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Original poster

Why are more families not like us?

207 replies

wingingmywaythroughlife · 22/12/2021 12:38

As a child, my parents refused to visit any relatives on Christmas Day whilst my brother and I were young enough to believe in Santa. Anyone wanting to see us would visit, to allow us to play with our toys. Growing older, we would do a quick 30min-ish per household visit on Christmas Day to see the kids of extended family, before going back to DPs for the afternoon/evening. Now I have my own DC, DPs come to me, for same reason they wouldn't take my brother and I out of the house on Christmas Day, and Christmas Dinner is served up in mine, allowing for anyone who wants to visit in the day. Is this not normal???

OP posts:
Abraxan · 22/12/2021 13:58

I don't think it is unusual to spend Christmas just as the household family unit.

When dd was small we never saw anyone on Christmas Day. It was just the three of us. No big meal for a dozen people to prepare with someone stuck half the day in the kitchen and all very relaxed. she could play all day. Both dh and I remembered years of being taken away from new exciting gifts and thought it would be nice to be at home.

We did all of our family visiting on Christmas Eve and the day before (my grandma's birthday) and then had parents, siblings and spouses etc over to us for Boxing Day.

We wanted dd to be able to enjoy her new presents at home. We didn't want one of us having to drive on Christmas Day. And i (and dh) didn't ant one us stuck cooking had the day and having to 'entertain' others.

It worked really well for us and we really enjoyed it.

Things have changed gradually as dd got older. We started seeing close family friends for an hour on Christmas late morning. We then had my parents here one year, but went out for dinner. Last Christmas Mil came due to the restrictions (she was due to go to my BIL's for other reasons but couldn't under the rules) and it being the first year after FIL died.
This year MIL and my parents are here and we are all going out for a meal and also meeting a close friends at the restaurant too.

We know lots of families who spend Christmas Day as just a family unit, but do the big family gatherings on the other days, so not unusual to us.

caringcarer · 22/12/2021 13:58

I have a dd, sil and 2 dgs, since dgs have been born I do an early Xmas for them each year. The second weekend of December I cook a 🦃dinner, we have crackers and open presents. Dgs also helps me to decorate my 🌲. We go for a walk to look at Xmas lights around my home and did and Dil relax and chill whilst DH and I play with the dgs. They sleep over and go back home the following day with leftover 🦃. On Xmas day they stay home to play with their new toys and we do a Teams chat to wish each other Merry Xmas about 5pm.

CrazyHorse · 22/12/2021 13:58

We always stay at home and tell family anyone is welcome to join us. The trouble with that is, we end up with the miserable fuckers who have no other options. Then we go to the other in-laws (I have 2 sets) on Boxing Day and repeat it all over again, except I don't have to cook. It works for us.

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CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2021 13:59

Once I had kids I refused to go anywhere, and neither did I want visitors on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Any family visits were arranged for after that. To me, it's about being with my immediate family, not dragging my kids all over the place.

turkeyboots · 22/12/2021 13:59

Normal for me. My grandfather always felt kids belong in their own home at Christmas, so my mum did the same and now I do.
MiL is not impressed.

Loudestcat14 · 22/12/2021 14:01

This is how we do it, apart from our DD's first year when we felt obliged to split the day and to take her to both GPs' houses. Never again! All the travelling made her car sick and miserable. Now everyone comes to us and it's great.

Abraxan · 22/12/2021 14:01

I should add that we do it our way because its what we enjoy and like. We dont do it for family politics or anything. We actually get on really well as a whole family and have loving relationships. Boxing Day was always our big family da, with family from both sides together - something that worked well for us as the two families also got on nicely.

theshadeofgreen · 22/12/2021 14:04

That's normal for us.
Anyone who wants to see my kids can.... at our houseGrin

I'll provide fizz, coffee and mince pies but if involves the kids putting shoes on it's not happening. There's no pressure on anyone, we're happy to see everybody or nobody, if there's anyone we don't see on the big day wife will make plans to visit them
Before or after

Before we had them we spent literally hours travelling between families and we were happy to do so to enable this with little ones to stay put. Now it's our turn.

3WildOnes · 22/12/2021 14:06

My children don’t feel like they are being dragged around. They absolutely love spending the day with all of their extended family. All of the cousins (and second cousins) spend the day running around playing together. My children prefer playing with their cousins than with toys. There are usually around 15-25 of us together for the day.
I love it too but I understand other people prefer a quieter Christmas.

Nidan2Sandan · 22/12/2021 14:06

We did the same as soon as we had kids. In fact all my friends are the same. Families of young kids stay home, and those with older kids or no kids did the travelling.

HardbackWriter · 22/12/2021 14:06

I know this is judgy and I'll get flamed for it, but so many people here seem to actively want to make Christmas entirely about the material stuff. I know that in reality a lot of kids will care more about their presents than seeing family, particularly as they get older, but I can't help but think that that's something that you try and discourage rather than lean into. It seems so depressing to actively welcome and encourage the 'stuff' being not just part of but the sole point of the day. But then I also take my children out of the house to go to church on Christmas Day, so perhaps I'm just an incredibly cruel mother all round...

Sparklingbrook · 22/12/2021 14:10

so many people here seem to actively want to make Christmas entirely about the material stuff

No flaming but our DC got material stuff in the shape of presents for Christmas (as is the norm) and quite understandably wanted to play with them and not go visiting.
So family visited us and played with their presents with them. They even bought more material stuff with them.

Comedycook · 22/12/2021 14:12

@HardbackWriter

I know this is judgy and I'll get flamed for it, but so many people here seem to actively want to make Christmas entirely about the material stuff. I know that in reality a lot of kids will care more about their presents than seeing family, particularly as they get older, but I can't help but think that that's something that you try and discourage rather than lean into. It seems so depressing to actively welcome and encourage the 'stuff' being not just part of but the sole point of the day. But then I also take my children out of the house to go to church on Christmas Day, so perhaps I'm just an incredibly cruel mother all round...
I don't understand the reluctance to see people on Christmas day. I absolutely loved seeing my aunt, uncle and cousins on Christmas day as a kid. We had loads of fun...much better than being at home with just mum and dad like every other day.
Justcallmebebes · 22/12/2021 14:14

My daughter and partner would always come to me but now they have kids I go to them. Unfortunately, I still have to do the cooking 😒

Dentistlakes · 22/12/2021 14:19

Since having children we have always been at their grandparents homes from Christmas Eve through Boxing Day. Sometimes it’s just us and other times more extended family. My MIL loves to cook and she’s excellent at it. The house is big enough to accommodate everyone and the children love it. The way I see it, they won’t be around forever and there will come a time when they might not want to host. When that happens we’ll take over, either in our home or theirs, whichever they want.

When I was a child we stayed at home and that was lovely. My grandparents loved too far away to visit.

Orreries · 22/12/2021 14:19

@Kotatsu

so I’m always very envious of the big family Christmas’s I hear about.

That's because you've never experienced sitting on a footstool at the kiddie table when you're 14. Grin

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle plastic kids' table was in use at my SIL's giant multi-family Christmases when her children were tall late teens. They all remember it with total horror.
5128gap · 22/12/2021 14:19

@HardbackWriter

I know this is judgy and I'll get flamed for it, but so many people here seem to actively want to make Christmas entirely about the material stuff. I know that in reality a lot of kids will care more about their presents than seeing family, particularly as they get older, but I can't help but think that that's something that you try and discourage rather than lean into. It seems so depressing to actively welcome and encourage the 'stuff' being not just part of but the sole point of the day. But then I also take my children out of the house to go to church on Christmas Day, so perhaps I'm just an incredibly cruel mother all round...
No, it was exactly the same for me growing up and its what I've encouraged with my own children. Not church, but certainly the emphasis on people rather than presents. As my mum rightly said, the toys will still be there on boxing day, and for the rest of the year too. It actually worked very well as in the days between Christmas and New year that would otherwise have been a bit flat, the toys were largely still unplayed with so it spread the excitement.
greatape · 22/12/2021 14:20

We lived one hour from one set of GPs, two hours from the others in different directions. Dad was one of 3 and mum one of 2 but her brother had no kids. We'd rotate - 2 years with mums mum and one year with dads parents. Always went to theirs and stayed for a few days, home for a day then off to other set for NY.

One year when we were about 12/14, my DB and I rebelled. We told our parents that we were sick of it and wanted to be at home at least a little bit to chill/see friends etc. My lovely granny died when I was 14 and we had my grandfather with us a lot. My grandma didn't visit but she always went to my uncle and we'd visit in between.

When I moved in with dh we set up a strict rotation system which included one year at home just the 2 of us. When DCs came along we host. Tbh we don't have much family anymore and with the exception of my mum we are very spread out and too far to visit in a day really so we have quiet home Christmases and visit others throughout the year.

mrsm43s · 22/12/2021 14:20

Our Christmases have always been more about family and spending time together than about presents.

We've always looked at the needs of the whole family (both sides) rather than prioritising one sub groups needs over all others. This means that what we have done year to year has changed depending on different people's needs at the time.

Broadly though, it has focused around those who have the funds, time and space doing the heavy lifting of the catering, with those who are run ragged with young kids, or older and less able or financially stretched or who don't have the space to host being looked after by those that are able and fit to do so.

So typically, young families would go to parents of older children or younger GPs so that tired parents of young children get a break from cooking and get to relax, be cooked for while GPs/aunties and uncles/cousins etc keep their children occupied. As the children get older and the parents have more time/money/space, then they start to host for those with younger children, or the now more elderly GPs etc.

It's about looking after family and all pitching in. And all but stocking presents get taken with, so the children still get to play with their new toys - they unwrap all the tree presents after dinner, whichever house we are at!

Original poster
wingingmywaythroughlife · 22/12/2021 14:20

@Justcallmebebes

My daughter and partner would always come to me but now they have kids I go to them. Unfortunately, I still have to do the cooking 😒
Oops, same here, my mum still does most of the cooking now but she enjoys it! I help where she will allow lol 😊
OP posts:
WildStallyn · 22/12/2021 14:20

Our families aren't local so we do a 3 year rotation - my parents', in laws, and here (with an invitation for both families to join us).

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/12/2021 14:22

This probably varies by who is happiest hosting and who has most space.

55larry · 22/12/2021 14:23

As a child I would go by bus to my grandmother at Christmas until I was 12 when my parents moved to a big house with my grandparents which meant that my aunt and cousins could stay with us over Christmas.

I would go to my dps when I first got married and my dd would cook lunch for 18 people. Dh and I moved to a house with a large through room and I took over. The most who came to me was 17.

Now we have downsized I have my 2 adult sons, my dd, sil and gs. Dd cooked last year but decided this year I could do lunch as have more space for people to eat but we will be going to her house in the evening so Dgs can go to bed - he is only 4 and likely to be up at the crack of dawn so will be exhausted by 7.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/12/2021 14:23

And how far away family members are.

Original poster
wingingmywaythroughlife · 22/12/2021 14:25

@namechange30455

Do your DPs always come to you? Does your DB not have kids?
No biological kids, no. His ex partner of seven years had two young boys, we'd visit them in the morning. He now has a step daughter who's 17, I don't think she cares about a visit from us in any way, shape or form 😂
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