Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

[pairsinparis]

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent

All the time. I’m not happy about that but they just don’t listen.

Every parent asks 'nicely' 5-10 times

Yes I shouted, but we've talked about you not listening so now I am using my loud voice.

ALL. THE. TIME

I do occasionally and I wish that I didn’t. It never helps the situation and usually makes it worse, especially with my oldest. If I intervene earlier to stop the behaviour escalating to the point where I lose my temper, either with more attention or consequences that helps.

Absolutely never, due to being raised in a shouty household which scarred me for life!

Rarely, but yes it does happen. Usually it's my patience has run out, I'm tired or totm. I feel horrid afterwards. And we tend to cuddle and talk about why I shouted, and we discuss the issue and how we can solve it better in the future. (DD is 9)

Or take them straight to time out/ naughty step

1. Tell them no
2. I've told you no, if you do it again naughty step
3. Naughty step say the rules then no more talk
4. End of time out, say why are we here? Can you apologise
5. Love you, hug

Out naughty step worked but was massively stressful when she had a huge tantrum every time

Only shouted once or twice when I've had low reserves of patience for one reason or another, but felt awful afterwards. That said I only have just turned 2yo DD and lots of support so it's easier for me to stay patient than it might otherwise be. I try to move to an assertive tone instead when needed (being ignored or something potentially dangerous happening). I was a teacher before I had DD so had lots of practice at this

Please don’t beat yourself up for occasionally shouting. Everyone does, most people feel bad about it but in reality…we’re all just human beings trying our best.

I never did agree with the premise that you should never get cross with kids. It sets an impossible ask and it’s not like they won’t get shouted at by other people elsewhere! Kids need to learn that everyone has limits and if you push too hard you will get a reaction you might not like!

I don't think I ever shouted before I had children. How things change! I do occasionally - probably more than occasionally during lockdown... Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any other way of getting them to listen. Plus I get to the end of my tether sometimes. I always feel shit after but meh, I'm not a perfect parent and I don't think there's much harm to be had in them knowing that sometimes they can really annoy people. I grew up in a sulky household, I prefer a quick shout, make up, it's forgotten about

No, I only shouted at her once, in the middle of the night and she was grizzly and would not go to sleep and I was exhausted. Woke up the next morning and she had gunk coming out of her ear so clearly hadn't been sleeping as she was in pain and was put on a course of antibiotics. I've never felt so guilty and that's stuck with me.

However, I'm a single parent with one well behaved child. I have no doubt if I had a partner or more children I would be shoutier.

On the other hand I can hear my downstairs neighbour shouting and swearing at her young children daily, including calling her disabled child a "fucking useless retard" he is about 6.

I do sometimes. If she did what i asked the first time it wouldn't happen. Actually one of my warning now are "do x or i WILL be raising my voice" because she doesn't like it.

What I do notice though is that you don't mention any consequences for your 4 yo. He is old enough to understand and eventually learn. So time outs (especially if the situation warrants him being removed like hitting), taking things away, whatever natural consequences can be applied etc. After a certain age just saying no is pointless, if nothing happens when they ignore it.

No. I've never raised my voice at anyone

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

In the scenarios you described I would use short, positive, single-step commands. Saying what I wanted DD to do, not telling off the behaviour I didn't want to see. A 17 word comment (the lights) is far too long.

If he likes playing with switches make him a busy board with his own switches on and everytime he plays with the house switches redirect him.

I do. So does my next door neighbour

He is mostly very well behaved, he gets silly when he's tired, and by that point I'm usually knackered too. I've tried time out step before but he gets off it- any ways around that?

Yup. All the time.

On the other hand I can hear my downstairs neighbour shouting and swearing at her young children daily, including calling her disabled child a "fucking useless retard" he is about 6

That's not shouting, that's abuse that happens to also be said in a shouty voice. The poor child, have you considered reporting it?

And to the OP, yes I sometimes shout and feel awful. It's when I've been pushed to the limit so I include conversations about not pushing someone to breaking point by ignoring them when they ask you to do something! But I always apologise if I was wrong - it's a useful lesson in demonstrating that nobody is perfect and how to put things right when you've screwed up.

I probably raise my voice once or twice a year. The kids all run a mile when I do because they know it’s serious!

I didn’t shout when I was cross with my DDs. I found a quiet, menacing hiss was far more effective…

Yes of course. I'm a human not a person. You're also using too many words: 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' I would just say, "Get off the lights!" Tell them what you do want them to do, not what you don't.

Raised voice, yes. It’s not raised to the level of shouting, but louder than normal speaking.
Any kind of sustained shouting, no.

Sustained shouting, no. But honestly I more often judge those parents who clearly don't shout enough...

@ROdion yes, after that incident I did report to the NSPCC and we haven't had an incident as bad as that since.

I rarely shout but I do raise my voice.