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Original poster

Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

144 replies

pairsinparis · 20/12/2021 18:30

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent Sad

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 20/12/2021 20:06

@ldontWanna

Are you really so arrogant as to think that everyone in the world behaves exactly as you do and anyone who says they don’t is a liar? Or that they’re so stupid they don’t know what shouting is? I don’t shout at home. I make a concentrated effort not to do so. I know others who also don’t shout.

Of course raising your voice to speak to someone in the other room isn’t what op was talking about. She was presumably referring to shouting at your kids for bad behaviour.

berberry · 20/12/2021 20:07

I don't think any technique specifically works be it a slap, shout, time out, quiet word etc. as the child generally repeats the behaviour again at some point.

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 20:14

[quote Kanaloa]@ldontWanna

Are you really so arrogant as to think that everyone in the world behaves exactly as you do and anyone who says they don’t is a liar? Or that they’re so stupid they don’t know what shouting is? I don’t shout at home. I make a concentrated effort not to do so. I know others who also don’t shout.

Of course raising your voice to speak to someone in the other room isn’t what op was talking about. She was presumably referring to shouting at your kids for bad behaviour.[/quote]
Yes I am. Through my job (and life) I've met loads of children and parents /carers and people that work with children. Even the most chilled, all behaviour is communication, calm , "I never shout"people have shouted at least once. I'm not a general shouter and it's my last go to. Despite various strategies and techniques under my sleeve it still happens every now and then, which I think it's pretty normal and quite healthy really.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 4 year olds Families
Latte40 · 20/12/2021 20:19

[quote berberry]@Latte40 if it makes you feel better I was such a boundary pusher as a child & always thought I knew better. I really mellowed & was incredibly sensible as a teenager though! [/quote]
Yes it really does. Thank you for the sense of hope.

TomPinch · 20/12/2021 20:20

Yes. As with all things it shouldn't be taken to excess, but I don't think it's harmful for a child to know they've made you cross.

A family member practises gentle parenting. And she herself is a very calm person and her children are lovely. I've even heard her shout.

Suzi888 · 20/12/2021 20:22

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail

Every parent asks 'nicely' 5-10 times

Yes I shouted, but we've talked about you not listening so now I am using my loud voice.

ALL. THE. TIME

^ This
SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 20/12/2021 20:23

Yeah it tends to go like

Stop jumping near your sisters head please DS, you'll hurt her
DS I've asked you to stop doing that
DS I won't ask you again
RIGHT I'm going to get cross (this usually works tbf)
If he keeps doing THATS ENOUGH!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

Loud complaints ensue from DS and we quibble for a minute or two and normality is resumed!

Mudflaps · 20/12/2021 20:23

I don't have young children now but I found my tone of voice and 'the look' was sufficient to stop most misbehaving immediately, my friends used to say it'd stop adults never mind kids.

Mol1628 · 20/12/2021 20:25

My eldest doesn’t listen unless I raise my voice. Then he gets upset that I raised my voice. Then I calmly explain that I had asked nicely three times but he didn’t listen and if he doesn’t want me to get cross then he needs to listen first time. Or even second time would do 🤣. We have this conversation about a thousand times per week.

Only time I yell without warning is when they’re in danger ie about to jump into a road or something like that.

Northernsoullover · 20/12/2021 20:25

Mine are older now but if they didn't listen I would. I never bellowed and we are not a 'shouty household'

Kanaloa · 20/12/2021 20:26

@ldontWanna

I see. We’ll have to disagree then, since I don’t believe that you can say with certainty that every single person either shouts at their kids or is a liar. I think everyone lives in their own way and would never presume that just because my experiences don’t match with someone else’s that they must be lying.

Northernsoullover · 20/12/2021 20:29

@berberry I too have a very peaceful teens. They are good kids. They don't give me a moments trouble but they certainly pushed the boundaries as small children. Yes I did shout. 99% of the time it was dicking around when we needed to be out of the door that caused a raised voice.
I think I put in good groundwork but I just didn't realise it.

TangerineDreams · 20/12/2021 20:30

Yeah I gave 'em a good bollocking when I needed to and now I never need to anymore cos they know how to behave.

Mumtwoboys90 · 20/12/2021 20:33

Is this a serious question? I think I might know someone who doesn’t shout at their children but she gave my children celery and avocado as a snack on a play date and her entire house is white (floors, walls, ceiling, kitchen, furniture), so she isn’t a normal mum on pretty much every other level, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t shout. Other than that I don’t know a mum who doesn’t shout at their kids.
This Grin made me laugh!
i tell off /snap more than shouting ut definitely end up shouting more than id like but with 3 of them its incredibly difficult not to sometimes

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/12/2021 20:35

Sometimes I shout, and I don't regret it, and I also don't apologise (which many Mumsnetters advocate).

I think it is useful for a child to know that if they cross certain lines people will not be endlessly patient, will not explain for the seventh time why they should stop, and will not give them yet another warning. When I shout, DS knows he has gone too far and it is time to wise up immediately.

Doona · 20/12/2021 20:35

Yeah. When you've got a bunch of kids they ignore you and fire each other up. You can give all the serious looks you like, does nothing if they're not looking your way. Also, they're constantly in each other's faces, they're not going to hear you mutter, "please consider an alternate patten of behaviour" from across the room. So yeah, I bellow at them. I'd rather not, it's uncomfortable on my throat. I only regret it when I shout in anger, which also happens. I also swear sometimes, which fills them with delight and joy, and they keep a list of times I did it to tell visitors, so I also regret that.

Simonjt · 20/12/2021 20:37

Yep, especially when I’ve said “put your shoes on” 367 times already.

reluctantbrit · 20/12/2021 20:37

Yes I do and yes, I feel fairly awful.

DD is now. 14, on the ADHD spectrum, teen attituede and hard work.

But, the important bit for me is that a) I try to stop myself and leave her if I catch myself and b) I do apologise and explain why I shouted.

We are only humans after all and we all have a breaking point.

MummyMe87 · 20/12/2021 20:39

Yes, of course I do as I am a human. I have a 7 and 3 (almost 4) year old boys. They wind each other up something chronic, and the youngest never listens. He is an absolute tear away. I try the nicey nice talking but no.

PurBal · 20/12/2021 20:39

I’ve used my firm voice “no” and I’ve got exasperated but I try to direct that away from him.

berberry · 20/12/2021 20:40

@Northernsoullover why is getting out of the house such a faff!

DSGR · 20/12/2021 20:41

Yes of course I do. I start calm but once I’ve asked the same thing 10 times I get cross. I don’t think they are harmed, they’re having a wonderful life!

TheMoth · 20/12/2021 20:48

I think I shout at my own kids a lot more than the kids I teach.
I know that too much shouting ends up like background noise- which they avoid.
I think I shouted more when they were little. But often it was sheer frustration at juggling full time work and small kids before 730 every day.
Occasionally I do a performance rant, which involves a range of rhetorical devices and often a nice, staccato rhythm to end with. They can be very satisfying, as I'm not actually angry.

But my main tool is a sharp 'no', 'let's not' or 'I don't think so. '

Goldbar · 20/12/2021 20:48

@SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree

Yeah it tends to go like

Stop jumping near your sisters head please DS, you'll hurt her
DS I've asked you to stop doing that
DS I won't ask you again
RIGHT I'm going to get cross (this usually works tbf)
If he keeps doing THATS ENOUGH!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!

Loud complaints ensue from DS and we quibble for a minute or two and normality is resumed!

This rings a bell. Generally not sibling-on-sibling boisterousness here (only child) but things like climbing on the table or jumping off the sofa.

It depends on the child and age, I think. Quiet tones and stern looks just go right over my DC's head. And they think in a very particular way. If they see something high, they want to climb it and jump off it. If they see a Christmas tree, it's a compulsion to remove the baubles and touch the presents underneath. If they see an escalator, they want to run up it. If they see a corner, they want to run around it (and disappear into the crowd). They would press the big red button that said 'DON'T PUSH'. So I do find myself preemptively hissing 'Don't even think about it!' and raising my voice when I am ignored - more so than is ideal.

Fizbosshoes · 20/12/2021 20:49

I'm afraid I did when my DC were small and I had asked in a reasonable manner quite a lot of times.

My DD didn't sleep through the night until well past starting school and used to wake me every night. One morning I'm ashamed that I absolutely lost the plot after feeling particularly tired. She went to school in tears I came home and cried and felt shit about it all day. That evening she told me she loved me for the first time (she was 6) . I felt really ashamed that I didn't deserve that after I had shouted at her. I still feel bad about it nearly 10 years later, but after the sleep deprivation I think it became a lot easier.