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Original poster

Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

144 replies

pairsinparis · 20/12/2021 18:30

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent Sad

OP posts:
scandikate · 20/12/2021 20:52

Sometimes. My dh never, ever does. He would even scare me if he did I think!

pregnantncnc · 20/12/2021 20:55

I had a rough week recently where I shouted at my 22mo an average of 2-3 times a day (we were both unwell, I wasn't sleeping at all and was completely at my limit). It was AWFUL. I rarely shout at him in an everyday sense, though, and less often since "the shouty week" because DS started saying "Mummy scary" and it broke my heart.

TwiggletLover · 20/12/2021 20:59

My DC only seem to respond to me when I shout. Usually I ask them to do something about ten times and it's only when I raise my voice that it gets done.

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coconuthead · 20/12/2021 21:07

Yes I do. After the 7345,578th time repeating something and being ignored!

delilahbucket · 20/12/2021 21:10

DS is 13 now and I still rarely need to shout. He knows I'm really at the end of my tether of I've raised my voice. Shouting at kids all the time is pointless. It becomes meaningless to them. "Oh mum is shouting again, well that's as bad it's going to get so I'll crack on LA LA LA". You need appropriate consequences for behaviour not a raised voice. I can never understand parents who shout at their kids constantly but don't realise that the behaviour just continues regardless.

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 21:12

@delilahbucket

DS is 13 now and I still rarely need to shout. He knows I'm really at the end of my tether of I've raised my voice. Shouting at kids all the time is pointless. It becomes meaningless to them. "Oh mum is shouting again, well that's as bad it's going to get so I'll crack on LA LA LA". You need appropriate consequences for behaviour not a raised voice. I can never understand parents who shout at their kids constantly but don't realise that the behaviour just continues regardless.
This as well. I ask once. I ask twice just in case. The third time includes a warning. Now that she's older, I rarely have to go any further. That's mostly because she knows shit will happen and I always follow through.
inheritancetrack · 20/12/2021 21:16

Very rarely, but I am lucky to have 2 laid back DCs. I sometimes get the urge to shout at other peoples kids who are being obnoxious, but don't of course!

Puffinhead · 20/12/2021 21:32

@delilahbucket

DS is 13 now and I still rarely need to shout. He knows I'm really at the end of my tether of I've raised my voice. Shouting at kids all the time is pointless. It becomes meaningless to them. "Oh mum is shouting again, well that's as bad it's going to get so I'll crack on LA LA LA". You need appropriate consequences for behaviour not a raised voice. I can never understand parents who shout at their kids constantly but don't realise that the behaviour just continues regardless.
That’s all very well if you have just one child - and I agree with what you said in principle but it gets harder with multiple DC!
ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 21:37

That’s all very well if you have just one child - and I agree with what you said in principle but it gets harder with multiple DC!

How do you think teachers manage with 30 at once? Trips, changing for PE, teaching long division, playtimes etc?

Puffinhead · 20/12/2021 21:39

But that’s a professional position of trust not what the OP - or anyone else here - is talking about.

nancybotwinbloom · 20/12/2021 21:42

Any tips ref the non listening and getting them to lo listen?

addictedtotheflats · 20/12/2021 21:44

Daily, but I figured if I shout once out of all the times I tell him not to do something I'm doing alright. Don't be too hard on yourself we are human and our patience isn't infinite

Campervan69 · 20/12/2021 21:45

So rarely that it is scarily effective when I do. Even i jump to it 😄

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 21:50

@Puffinhead

But that’s a professional position of trust not what the OP - or anyone else here - is talking about.
Nah that's just a cop out.

9 out of 10 times, if they do it at home they do it at school too. The not listening, not looking after their things, being silly, taking ages to put half a shoe on , saying no and so on. They just learn pretty quickly that there are consequences for it , they don't like the feeling of upsetting/disappointing an adult or their peers, and that work will be done whether they like it or not even if it's at another time. Things normally go tits up (not counting SEN or other issues) when there's no consequences and no consistency. If kids think they can get away with it, they'll try it. Even the really good ones push boundaries at times.

Puffinhead · 20/12/2021 21:54

I don’t understand what you want me to say. This thread is a conversation about shouting at our own children - not anyone else’s! My only comment was that I found it gets harder not to shout when you have multiple DC.

SickAndTiredAgain · 20/12/2021 21:57

[quote Kanaloa]@ldontWanna

I see. We’ll have to disagree then, since I don’t believe that you can say with certainty that every single person either shouts at their kids or is a liar. I think everyone lives in their own way and would never presume that just because my experiences don’t match with someone else’s that they must be lying.[/quote]
I agree. I’ve never heard my dad shout. Not because he left discipline to my mum, or didn’t care what we did or anything like that, he was perfectly capable of being strict and stern, he just never shouted. I can barely remember him ever raising his voice. It’s just not him at all.

ListenLinda · 20/12/2021 22:00

Yes. Usually when they continue not to listen when i’ve asked them repeatedly to stop doing something, that is more often than not silly & damgerous.
DS chose to ignore this still, and as a result fell head first off the sofa yesterday. I’m sure they think I like the sound of my own voice.

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 22:03

@Puffinhead

I don’t understand what you want me to say. This thread is a conversation about shouting at our own children - not anyone else’s! My only comment was that I found it gets harder not to shout when you have multiple DC.
I do apologise, I think I misinterpreted something and just ran with it.

It seemed that you disagreed that having consistent and reasonable consequences rather than repeating yourself a billion times and then ending up shouting does give better results.

Sorry for being a dick.

Puffinhead · 20/12/2021 22:09

Apology accepted!

I agree that approach sounds much better but fear it’s too late for me now!

HotPenguin · 20/12/2021 22:13

My children ignore everything I say unless they know I'm serious. It's extremely frustrating and in the past ive had some bad shouty phases.
Now I try to show I'm serious without shouting. Counting to 3 is good - they know a consequence is coming if I reach 3 and I rarely get there. I also try to show I'm getting cross before I actually feel cross if that makes sense? As it's easier to react in a controlled way before you feel angry. So I would use serious tone of voice, "can you hear what I'm saying?", "I'm starting to get cross DS", that sort of thing.

For time out on the step, if they get off or muck about they have to do time out in their room, that makes them take it seriously. I try to avoid it for the younger one though - he has ADHD and is unlikely to stay on the step.

CurryLover55 · 20/12/2021 22:16

I’m not a shouter at all generally but my God I can reach top note with DD13! I hate it! Definitely need to walk away much sooner. She would try the patience of a saint!

Kshhuxnxk · 20/12/2021 22:16

Never needed to shout, I have been known to stop unruly kids in a shop with "the look". You're being too nice
Don't ask Timmy to stop messing about with electrics, tell him No. End of. Doesn't need to be a conversation!

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 22:19

@HotPenguin

My children ignore everything I say unless they know I'm serious. It's extremely frustrating and in the past ive had some bad shouty phases. Now I try to show I'm serious without shouting. Counting to 3 is good - they know a consequence is coming if I reach 3 and I rarely get there. I also try to show I'm getting cross before I actually feel cross if that makes sense? As it's easier to react in a controlled way before you feel angry. So I would use serious tone of voice, "can you hear what I'm saying?", "I'm starting to get cross DS", that sort of thing.

For time out on the step, if they get off or muck about they have to do time out in their room, that makes them take it seriously. I try to avoid it for the younger one though - he has ADHD and is unlikely to stay on the step.

This reminds of my friend visiting with his DS. He was being a pain and I started counting out of habit(as that nearly always worked with DD) I got to 3 and he had settled and waited patiently then piped up "now what happens?" .GrinGrin
Oneforthemoneytwo · 20/12/2021 22:23

I’ve been known to be less than calm when I’ve asked my teens 20 times to come and leave the house to get to schools and they announce they’ve either lost their shoes or forgotten to pack their PE kit. It’s not pretty

Other than that. No I don’t

RavingAnnie · 20/12/2021 22:24

Mum stern voice works better than shouty voice ime. I've got quite a good one I've been told, I once got a whole table in a restaurant to stop what they were doing when I was using it on my misbehaving DS 😬