Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

[pairsinparis]

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent

I do shout as a last resort, or if it is a dangerous situation like touching hot things or running in the road. Mostly I have a change in tone and slightly louder voice.

My sister shouts about absolutely EVERYTHING, just like my dad did.

I don't like shouting. It's exhausting and does not work if done often.

It's also quite an aggressive way to talk to someone who can't shout back.

I might yell up the stairs to turn down the music/hurry up/where's my phone charger? but shouting at a child does not sit well with me.

I really try not to. If I do it tends to be because there is danger involved.

No as I think it is a power imbalance - seems meN really particularly if a child is small. But I didn't use Time outs ever, I can't understand the thinking behind that. I have the kind of children that people find no hassle having over - well that's what I'm told and I think actions speak louder than words one of DD'S friends parents is always asking if she can come over for a film, hang out etc. So it must be true. The lack of Time outs, shouting never had a negative consequence.

Not often - it seems to hype them both up & they get upset & it's less likely they will do what I've asked them to do.

My parents weren't especially shouty either & if my Dad shouted it meant he was really cross.

DS probably gets told off more than DD - but he does more silly things.

I think we were probably quite strict on some things when they were toddlers - not interrupting people, sitting still when needed, not hitting or pushing, waiting in line etc...

Yep, I was probably a shouty parent when kids were little, not much at all now. I only raise my voice if I need to, but I never shout at them for no reason but if I’m getting in the car for school and they’re still sitting in their arses despite being asked 5 times, they’re going to get a sharp voice and they know it.
DS1 was a total dickhead between 3-6 though and I was more thank likely a frazzled wreck with baby DS2 as well which led to very thin patience.

Never. I’m just not a shouty person.

Your first exactly was far too verbose. You don’t need a conversation. Just say “stop touching the lights”. You don’t need to explain yourself and use “I” not “mummy”.

Raised voice- yes, occasionally. I expect it to happen more as she gets older. I don’t think a raised voice used sparingly and appropriately is wrong.

Full on shouting- only once but not in anger, was a automatic panic response when she was doing something highly dangerous and it just came out. I scared her, we all had a cry. I can’t say won’t ever happen again but I hope not!

@roadwarrior

You have to perfect the "Really?" look. Stop what you're doing and just stare at them, a really hard stare. If that doesn't catch their attention go up and whisper in their ear "What are you doing? I really thought you knew better. Guess I was wrong." Works a treat.

Psychopath!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Sometimes I shout, and I don't regret it, and I also don't apologise (which many Mumsnetters advocate).

I think it is useful for a child to know that if they cross certain lines people will not be endlessly patient, will not explain for the seventh time why they should stop, and will not give them yet another warning. When I shout, DS knows he has gone too far and it is time to wise up immediately.

Yeah. You don't see mummy cats apologising after they've hissed at their kittens for being annoying!

If I do- it's always because of messing around when we need to be leaving the house. It gives me the rage.

I wouldn't say that I shout as such, but I do have an effective stern voice that I use when teaching that is an added tool! Teaching also means that I can raise the volume of my voice without shouting itswim.

Sort of depends on what you mean by raising your voice. Raising it because they didn’t listen the first 3 times I say something then yes - daily. Full on shouting with a rage - not sure I’ve done that in years and I think I’ve done it maybe 3 times and I was so sleep deprived everyone felt my wrath.
Don’t beat yourself up over shouting. If you feel you’ve overreacted - apologise.
I apologise to my children if I feel
I’ve reacted disproportionately. We’re all human.

Alas, "The Look" which can quench teenagers fails on the delightful DS2 who is a mini-me and replicates my look and thus kills the moment.

I shout in a functional way when normal reason fails. DS1 is neurodiverse and DS2 is certainly a dreamer often lost in his own thoughts, and it does often take raising the voice to cut through their internal monologue and bring them back to Earth where tedious things like putting on socks must be done in the next 3 minutes not half and hour via imagined Pokèmon battles or the technical details of how black holes occur...
Keeping instructions short helps.

I am not a ranty parent though. Raising your voice for attention and bringing the volume back is different to an prolonged unleashing of frustration or anger.
If it can be done with a normal "indoor voice" first I will do that.
I don't use my projecting-across-a-park voice on them. I can project surprisingly loudly without a shout.

Not when the dc were very small, but more often than I meant to when ds1 was between 5 and 8, he was a nightmare. He knew exactly how to push my buttons.

I remember watching Graham Norton once and a Hollywood actor (possibly Mark Ruffalo) said "If you've never shouted at your kids then you're not spending enough time with them". Which I think is very true

@FKATondelayo

I shout all the time. I have two loud boys, a deaf ADHD husband, a mental dog and live in a big loud city next to a main road. How am I supposed to get through life without shouting?

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Yes I do shout a lot at dd because she doesnt do it what I tell her the first 15 times. Ds has asd so needs to get to a good place to stop what he is doing before he has the headspace to deal with anytjing else.

Yeah. You don't see mummy cats apologising after they've hissed at their kittens for being annoying

I mean you also don’t see them apologising for shitting in people’s gardens? Cat behaviour generally isn’t a great bench mark for appropriate human behaviour.

Not at mine, as the youngest is 13.

But I also didn't when they were younger.

Or tried not to. If I ever did, I was cross with myself.

I don't think it's good practice. The quieter you speak, the harder people listen.