Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

[pairsinparis]

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent

I should clarify, it's a raised voice, shorter and sharper tone. It isn't yelling, or sustained yelling. Like 'YOU DONT HURT YOUR BROTHER!'

No, never, just slightly raising my voice can bring my children to tears as I never do it so it gives the shock factor I guess. I’ve never shouted though. I was bought up in a shouty house and it scars you for life a little.

Of course I did. I also used a lot of 'No' and a steely glare. None of the explanations about why they had to stop. It worked most of the time.

I save my shouty voice for dangerous incidents like trying to run into the road or taking off seatbelts whilst I'm driving. I know parents who shout a lot and it doesn't really have much impact after a while, the children get used to hearing it and it goes over their heads, it also teaches them that it's a normal way to interact with people.

I am not a shouty person, but i do let out the odd roar, no harm done.

@pairsinparis

He is mostly very well behaved, he gets silly when he's tired, and by that point I'm usually knackered too. I've tried time out step before but he gets off it- any ways around that?

It depends how serious you want to be about it. The main method is to put them back on again and again without any fuss or attention until they realise the only way out is to stay there. DD didn't really get off as she was very aware she's already in big trouble and didn't want to add to it.

I do remember one time though when we were out and she came back with "you can't! There no steps! You can't time out on steps!".

Tbh , for a child that has good emotional understanding and CAN regulate themselves generally, they learn very quickly when there are consequences for their actions that you will always follow through with. Then in most cases just a warning is enough.

Not really? But I have a very well behaved 10yo DD. If she anything like me as a teen I imagine there will be a bit of shouting in her future... but she is quite a sensitive thing and hates even a disapproving look so she's pretty easy to discipline at the moment.

Have never shouted at DSD (19) or DSS (22) either and DH rarely has in the 16 years we have been together (though they have sometimes shouted at him...)

I did smack her once though when she was about four, the old cliche where she ran out into the road. I'm not sorry I did it exactly but I felt absolutely awful.

Aaah meant to say I was brought up by a shouty mother and I hate being shouted at still so did not want to perpetuate that cycle.

All the time. I don't enjoy it. I actually hate loud noises due to my autism however after telling them 4/5 times I just can't help it.

@Juancornetto

I don't think I ever shouted before I had children. How things change! I do occasionally - probably more than occasionally during lockdown... Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any other way of getting them to listen. Plus I get to the end of my tether sometimes. I always feel shit after but meh, I'm not a perfect parent and I don't think there's much harm to be had in them knowing that sometimes they can really annoy people. I grew up in a sulky household, I prefer a quick shout, make up, it's forgotten about

Agree, sulking is the absolute worst

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

No, I only shouted at her once, in the middle of the night and she was grizzly and would not go to sleep and I was exhausted. Woke up the next morning and she had gunk coming out of her ear so clearly hadn't been sleeping as she was in pain and was put on a course of antibiotics. I've never felt so guilty and that's stuck with me.

However, I'm a single parent with one well behaved child. I have no doubt if I had a partner or more children I would be shoutier.

On the other hand I can hear my downstairs neighbour shouting and swearing at her young children daily, including calling her disabled child a "fucking useless retard" he is about 6.

Oh @hpandtheneverendingbedtime that's awful! That poor child next door. Please report to SS if you haven't already.

Yes. Mostly when I have repeatedly asked the children to do something or not do something and they carry on ignoring me. Sometimes I've shouted if they both talk at me at the same time when I've asked them to be quiet. I do apologise for snapping or shouting and I have explained why I've shouted too.

I have also developed a loud shout I can employ to call the children back from the other end of the playground. I have impressed other parents with this skill. Quite proud of that.

Yes, all the time. I vowed that I wouldn’t be a shouty mum (like mine was) but it crept up on me the older they got. I never did when they were little but have got increasingly worse - the constant arguing, answering back, laziness etc.. it gets very draining. So don’t beat yourself up OP!

It's my well known phrase in our house that "NO ONE LISTENS TO ME UNTIL I TURN PSYCHO!!!".
They just roll their eyes and get on with it.
Don't worry OP. Everyone raises their voice at their kids sometimes.

@higgeldypiggeldy35, I did. I'm a teacher and it screamed emotional neglect so emailed NSPCC straight away. He gets a minibus taxi to school and doesn't wear a uniform otherwise I'd have contacted the school directly.

I've only ever raised my voice once when dc went to grab a heavy pan from the kitchen worktop - I did it out of fear. It scared her and she cried as she had never heard me raise my voice. I didn't like that, especially as it was my fault, I didn't realise she could reach it, so I learnt my lesson.

I don't think raising your voice or shouting works, it either creates a fearful child or one who becomes immune to it and just ignores you.

Yep.
There are varying degrees of volume and tone when I ask/request the same thing 10 fuck me times!
By time 11 my voice is raisedshouting and everyone looks shocked
Do it first or 8th time I ask ffs.
I am not Alexa I won't keep replying politely.

I shout all the time. I have two loud boys, a deaf ADHD husband, a mental dog and live in a big loud city next to a main road. How am I supposed to get through life without shouting?

[quote HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime]@higgeldypiggeldy35, I did. I'm a teacher and it screamed emotional neglect so emailed NSPCC straight away. He gets a minibus taxi to school and doesn't wear a uniform otherwise I'd have contacted the school directly.[/quote]
@hpandtheneverendingbedtime well done that's very courageous. Sounds like the mum needs help and the boy needs closely monitoring. You did the right thing.

To the OP I do raise my voice more often than I want to. More so since my second son was born as I've found it very challenging managing them both and my older sons behaviour nose dived when the baby was born. I always apologise and we talk about it afterwards. I don't want to be a shouty mum either but parenting is bloody hard work.

I'm kinda like this but poorer and with a west midlands accent. Obviously more sexy than her though.

Seems to me there was a few opportunities to intervene before it got to the actual shove which caused the crying. Remove the child from the situation at first sign of inappropriate behaviour. Explain to him exactly why he has been removed and that it is unacceptable. Tell him what the consequences will be if he does it again. Follow up on those consequences. Mine would have been on the naughty step at that first hard prod in the back until they could apologise to their sibling and explain what he'd done wrong. Give an inch.........

@rainbowandglitter

No. I've never raised my voice at anyone

Are we supposed to believe this?

You have to perfect the "Really?" look. Stop what you're doing and just stare at them, a really hard stare. If that doesn't catch their attention go up and whisper in their ear "What are you doing? I really thought you knew better. Guess I was wrong." Works a treat.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime I fucking hope you’ve reported to SS because that is abuse. And KEEP reporting.

When I had one well-behaved child - never.

When I had two boisterous boys - occasionally.

When I had three children including a 4 year old who mostly does whatever the fuck she wants - often

It does work though.