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Original poster

Do you ever raise your voice at your children?

144 replies

pairsinparis · 20/12/2021 18:30

I always imagined that I wouldn't, and I hate that I do. I would like to know how other parents do it?
I have a four year old and a 20 month old. Sometimes the four year old ignores what I'm asking, like this evening 'please don't turn all the lights on and off, mummy doesn't like you touching switches and sockets' and he continued to run around turning lights on and off and sockets on and off until I raised my voice.
Another example from today, he was pushing his little brother hard in the middle of the back. I moved him away. He ran back and started doing it again. I lifted youngest ds away from him. Next time my back was turned ds was crying as he had been shoved over hard again, and again I raised my voice and shouted at him saying why he shouldn't do it.

I give a cuddle shortly afterwards and talk calmly about what happened. What should I do in the situation to stop his actions, though, that doesn't require me shouting? I don't want to be a short parent Sad

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 20/12/2021 19:39

Yup. I have to raise my voice sometimes so they can hear me over their loud bickering with each other 🙄

Rno3gfr · 20/12/2021 19:39

Quite a bit. More than I’d like. Not proper shouting though, more a stern raised voice. I have a 3 year old who laughs in my face when I shout so I know it’s not effective, I also know it’s not scarring him in any way.

PaperMonster · 20/12/2021 19:40

I have a tone of voice rather than a raised voice. DD’s teacher actually commented on whether or not we shouted as DD really didn’t like it when teacher shouted in class.

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Jisforjuggling · 20/12/2021 19:40

Is this a serious question? I think I might know someone who doesn’t shout at their children but she gave my children celery and avocado as a snack on a play date and her entire house is white (floors, walls, ceiling, kitchen, furniture), so she isn’t a normal mum on pretty much every other level, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t shout. Other than that I don’t know a mum who doesn’t shout at their kids.

BurbageBrook · 20/12/2021 19:40

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime apologies I missed your update. I hope you keep reporting if you hear it again as we all know how many of these cases get swept under the carpet by SS.

banananaba · 20/12/2021 19:40

I never did agree with the premise that you should never get cross with kids. It sets an impossible ask and it’s not like they won’t get shouted at by other people elsewhere! Kids need to learn that everyone has limits and if you push too hard you will get a reaction you might not like!

completely agree

firstimemamma · 20/12/2021 19:41

Our son (3) tried to get off the time out step but we just kept putting him there until he got the message. It was exhausting at first and took many, many attempts but we didn't give up. Now it's a behaviour system that works well. He gets 2 warnings and if both ignored then he has to sit there for 1-2 mins. Then we talk things over and he says sorry.

I am human and do raise my voice occasionally though! 90% of the time I regret shouting but I do think it has its place e.g if my son is about to do something really dangerous like run into a road then I want to give him that shock factor.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2021 19:43

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

No, I only shouted at her once, in the middle of the night and she was grizzly and would not go to sleep and I was exhausted. Woke up the next morning and she had gunk coming out of her ear so clearly hadn't been sleeping as she was in pain and was put on a course of antibiotics. I've never felt so guilty and that's stuck with me.

However, I'm a single parent with one well behaved child. I have no doubt if I had a partner or more children I would be shoutier.

On the other hand I can hear my downstairs neighbour shouting and swearing at her young children daily, including calling her disabled child a "fucking useless retard" he is about 6.

Please report this if you haven't already - this is verbal and emotional abuse of a disabled child.
sofato5miles · 20/12/2021 19:44

Just shouted at my kids. One was mean and vexed another, we have gueats and i am FED up of them not taking others into consideration. It was over in seconds and now the three of them are all playing in a bedroom together. The short, sharp shock bonded them, seemingly. But, i was really fed up with their lack of kindness and awareness. It ruined the end of a lovely visit from their grandparents.

MrsBungle · 20/12/2021 19:45

Yes I’ve roared quite a few times over the years and I’ve heard most of my friends shout, on occasion, too. I do not mean swearing or such like but I’ve certainly shouted at my kids.

berberry · 20/12/2021 19:46

No, never, just slightly raising my voice can bring my children to tears as I never do it so it gives the shock factor I guess. I’ve never shouted though. I was bought up in a shouty house and it scars you for life a little.

I was bought up in a then gritty part of south London with prostitutes & drugs in plain sight so the odd shout from my parents was nothing!

Decemberfinances · 20/12/2021 19:48

@FreeBritnee

I rarely shout but I do raise my voice.
I used to think I did that. Until people told me I was actually shouting.
Quornflakegirl · 20/12/2021 19:50

Yes, often. Those who say no are talking a fat bunch of lies.

Cam2020 · 20/12/2021 19:54

Not often. My tone of voice does the job usually, coupled with a stern look. I don't know if they's any better though really.

Flyingf1edgelings · 20/12/2021 19:55

No my sister in law always ask me how my kids behave all the time and I only need to give them the look, learned that from my mum.
I don’t shot but I use a tone and I pick my battles. They know what the boundaries are. Usually saying I won’t ask you again is enough to stop them on their tracks. I don’t know why because they have never found out what the repercussions are 😆
Although they are laid back like me so we are pretty chill.
I did shout once but it turned into a rant but it was because I was annoyed at myself I was justifying why I was shouting and I was so annoyed with myself after.

Kanaloa · 20/12/2021 19:57

No, never shout unless it was an emergency situation eg a child about to run into road or something like this. I don’t think it’s fair to say those who say they don’t shout at their kids are lying - they’re just doing something differently.

JustBkind · 20/12/2021 19:58

I found counting to 3 very successful! I have never once got to 3. But yes, I have raised my voice several times and there’s nothing wrong with doing so as how else would children learn right from wrong.

Kanaloa · 20/12/2021 19:59

I do find as well that some shouty parents justify themselves a lot by making fun of people saying oh am I supposed to just weakly say x don’t do that oh please oh no.

But there is a space for calm but firm parenting - I find shouting at kids doesn’t tend to make them better behaved, otherwise shouty parents would always have beautifully behaved children.

Latte40 · 20/12/2021 20:01

My eldest has never needed shouts to listen.
My middle needs 5-10 reminders, a firm talking to, time out, more reminders and then the BIG VOICE because for whatever reason, needs a shot of adrenaline before getting into action. We have tried every technique under the sun. We talk it through after a big row and there are promises made about how not to push it / how to refrain from shouting on my side. Yet on it goes.
Youngest is another boundary pusher but usually only when out and about so if you saw me, you'd think I was that loud normally- that child goes deaf to my voice when there's something more interesting to look at.

All in all, I hate confrontation as an adult and don't have any barneys at all. Don't need to shout with my OH as we communicate well and normally halt before buttons are pressed.

In my long winded answer, I think it's more complex than simply a yes or no and depends on various factors.

Changechangychange · 20/12/2021 20:02

I don’t shout, but I do have a “telling off” voice. We also do time outs for really naughty behaviour (deliberately breaking something etc), which I physically pick him up and remove him from the room for. I would definitely have given DS a time out for pushing a smaller child over on purpose.

berberry · 20/12/2021 20:02

It's also quite child dependent, one of mine is very well behaved & just a word or look. One is average, then the other one is so strong willed & determined it's challenging. I can't get too annoyed though as that's what I was like!

ldontWanna · 20/12/2021 20:03

@Kanaloa

No, never shout unless it was an emergency situation eg a child about to run into road or something like this. I don’t think it’s fair to say those who say they don’t shout at their kids are lying - they’re just doing something differently.
Nah they're lying. Or not realise that what they are doing is shouting because they associate it with abuse/loss of control/screaming their head off etc.

Technically I shout at DD daily because she decides to talk to me (from another room)while I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, or the washing machine is running or whatever else and she can't get her lazy butt where I am. So there's loads of "WHAAAAT?!?" and what not.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 20/12/2021 20:03

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Bellafrenum · 20/12/2021 20:04

Yeah of course. I'm not a robot. I try not to and don't often, especially now I'm on medication, but yes it happens.

berberry · 20/12/2021 20:05

@Latte40 if it makes you feel better I was such a boundary pusher as a child & always thought I knew better. I really mellowed & was incredibly sensible as a teenager though!