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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:47

@PinkWaferBiscuit

It's MN. It's the world of pathetic hand wringing and whinging over the stupidest of things. Like this. It's snowflake central, not real life where people don't actually care about minor stuff.

You consider your partner staying out all night leaving you home alone sick with 3 kids without contacting you minor? The mind boggles at how some relationships work? Confused

Yes because I'm a grown adult not a pathetic victorian waif and stray who can't get out of bed with a cold. People need to grow up. MN is full of this and it's astounding how pathetic people can sound.
gannett · 02/12/2021 08:48

@PinkWaferBiscuit

I'm amazed so many posters are professing that they wouldn't mind and acting like it's perfectly normal for someone to go awol for hours without communication.

It's not nagging to expect your partner to communicate where they have fucked off to when you've not heard from them since last night. He's got responsibilities and a sick wife at home leaving at 11pm was perfectly sufficient.

It is normal to go for "hours" without communication.

Most adults are capable of looking after themselves if they're sick. I don't need DP to cancel his nights out or come home early when I'm ill, the idea is bonkers.

All this "worried sick" stuff is so alien to me. Why would I be worried? When someone has a night out you know where they've gone and can make an educated guess as to why they're not home yet. Because it's a night out and that's how nights out work.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:49

@BleuJay with all your block capitals you seem to be suggesting I’ve in some way stopped my DH having a social life, even though I’ve repeatedly said throughout this thread that not to be the case.

I’m also glad you are in a position to arrange overnight/morning childcare for your DC, what a privilege.

I however do not.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
RunRunGingerbreadMan · 02/12/2021 08:50

I'd be really angry and hurt, firstly for worrying me so much and secondly for not caring enough to check on me. I think from that message he probably knows he's done wrong. He has some serious apologising and making up to do. At least he is safe though.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:50

Yes because I'm a grown adult not a pathetic victorian waif and stray who can't get out of bed with a cold. People need to grow up. MN is full of this and it's astounding how pathetic people can sound.

It isn’t about being pathetic, it’s about people who are supposed to care about you, deciding you don’t matter.

If you’re happy not to be your partner’s priority, that’s for you to live with. Other people have an expectation that the person who is supposed to love you, doesn’t leave you high and dry and worrying about what has happened to you. That’s a pretty basic tenet of any relationship.

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 08:51

[quote Wifewiththerage]@Happy1982ish 3[/quote]
But you say

* DH has done it before too but probably around 16/18 years ago when were foot loose and fancy free, we had 3 young DC and I was very pissed of it at him them, possibly fuelled by no sleep and baby vomit!*

So you’re children really can’t be very young?!

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:51

@makelovenotpetrol did I at any point add in this thread what was actually wrong with me, I don’t think I did other than to say it wasn’t COVID.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/12/2021 08:51

I would give him a chance to see how he plays this first. Going in angry immediately puts someone on the defensive. Say nothing and wait to see how he wants to approach it and take it from there.

AnkleDeep · 02/12/2021 08:53

He's a selfish prick, OP.

Make sure he knows that.

makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:53

@BoredZelda

Yes because I'm a grown adult not a pathetic victorian waif and stray who can't get out of bed with a cold. People need to grow up. MN is full of this and it's astounding how pathetic people can sound.

It isn’t about being pathetic, it’s about people who are supposed to care about you, deciding you don’t matter.

If you’re happy not to be your partner’s priority, that’s for you to live with. Other people have an expectation that the person who is supposed to love you, doesn’t leave you high and dry and worrying about what has happened to you. That’s a pretty basic tenet of any relationship.

No because I respect my husbands right to his own social life and his own time and I woklsnt expect that level of detail from him. He doesn't need to report to me whilst out. We trust each other and he has a right to his own time. Also a basic tenent of a relationship.
makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:54

[quote Wifewiththerage]@makelovenotpetrol did I at any point add in this thread what was actually wrong with me, I don’t think I did other than to say it wasn’t COVID.[/quote]
I'm not interested what's wrong with you.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:54

My guesses are he will still be fairly drunk so any sensible conversations can wait!

I’m glad my DC had all left for school though.

OP posts:
gannett · 02/12/2021 08:54

@BoredZelda

Yes because I'm a grown adult not a pathetic victorian waif and stray who can't get out of bed with a cold. People need to grow up. MN is full of this and it's astounding how pathetic people can sound.

It isn’t about being pathetic, it’s about people who are supposed to care about you, deciding you don’t matter.

If you’re happy not to be your partner’s priority, that’s for you to live with. Other people have an expectation that the person who is supposed to love you, doesn’t leave you high and dry and worrying about what has happened to you. That’s a pretty basic tenet of any relationship.

Four years without a night out suggest to me that her husband has prioritised her quite a lot.

"High and dry and worrying" is incredibly dramatic language for "intended to come home at 11, stayed out later".

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:54

All this "worried sick" stuff is so alien to me. Why would I be worried? When someone has a night out you know where they've gone and can make an educated guess as to why they're not home yet. Because it's a night out and that's how nights out work.

Because people never end up in hospital, or dead, when they’ve gone missing after a night out. 🙄

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:54

@makelovenotpetrol well why presume then?!

OP posts:
makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:56

"High and dry and worrying" is incredibly dramatic language for "intended to come home at 11, stayed out later"

It really isn’t. It’s a simple turn of phrase that means without help.

Worrying about someone you love who hasn’t returned from a night out is what most normal people would do.

But, you carry on being the cool wife if that works for you.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 02/12/2021 08:57

How were you footloose and fancy free with 3 young children 16/18 years ago, and the youngest is now 8?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 08:57

You're being pathetic and demanding

In your opinion she is but in reality it's neither pathetic or demanding to expect someone to be in touch if they don't stick to their original plans. Nor is it needy to want help from your partner when you are sick. Hmm

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/12/2021 08:58

I'd be pissed off at how thoughtless he was.

I'd my husband did this, I would be worried as it would be so out of character.

His text message should have been a phone call.

gannett · 02/12/2021 08:58

@BoredZelda

All this "worried sick" stuff is so alien to me. Why would I be worried? When someone has a night out you know where they've gone and can make an educated guess as to why they're not home yet. Because it's a night out and that's how nights out work.

Because people never end up in hospital, or dead, when they’ve gone missing after a night out. 🙄

People end up in hospital or dead after they've gone to work for the day too (as my DP did a couple of years ago) (hospital, not dead). Should I worry myself sick whenever he sets foot out of the door, and only stop worrying when he's safely back inside? Why does this only apply at night? Is the night-time extra-scary?

I'm just glad I'm not married to someone who keeps me on as tight a leash as you lot do to your husbands. Nights out with deadlines that must be adhered to come what may, dramatic anxiety at the idea of being out of the house past midnight...

Catfog · 02/12/2021 08:59

Some people have really low standards it seems! Of course if he indicated a time he would be home, he knows you're poorly and you have children he should have text to let you know he was going to be late (well, 8 or so hours late!). I don't think that's demanding, selfish, or poor man hasn't had a night out for 4 years- OP has said he's been going to dine outs, promotion drinks, functions in the bar etc which invariably aren't always quiet ones during work hours.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/12/2021 08:59

So when are you allowed to worry when someone doesn't come home?
Next day?
Two days?
A week?

Gearedtoyou · 02/12/2021 08:59

This would be just so unheard of I'd be worried sick. If he then turned up with a sorry, I'd be beyond furious. It would indefinitely be kicked out if the bedroom if not the house territory.

I dont mind him being late, I understand staying out when relying on public transport means leaving early, I'd even accept it as a one off if I was ill, but not letting me know would be unforgivable.

I'd have to be very ill indeed to ask him to cancel though and then I wouldn't have had to ask.

JustFrustrated · 02/12/2021 09:00

Give over now. You're being nasty.

She has clearly stated several times he HAS been out in the last 4 years. However not in a major way.
She has ALSO stated that she doesn't care as and when he goes out. Just that actually, a text would have been nice.

For all you know she could be receiving cancer treatment, or god forbid palliative care. Or some kind of illness which actually most people do need support with, and standard in most relationships where people aren't mercenary and cold, the partner is the person to give that support and care - because they want to.

You should leave this thread, you're choosing to see things that aren't there and you're being downright unpleasant.

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