DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

[Wifewiththerage]

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

Yes it's a bit annoying but if you were that concerned about his safety you wouldn't then lock him out, would you. You'd make sure he was safe and warm and deal with your anger later.

He's a grown up & I'm not his mother. Keeping him or any man safe when they get themselves into such a state is not my responsibility, that's on their head not mine & I have every right not to want to deal with a drunken arse early in the morning, because I am not a mug

@timeisnotaline

I’d accept the apology but say if I’m unwell like this you’ll just have to not go next time since you can’t trust yourself to make it home. Consequences.

Do people really have conversations like this with their partners? Treat them like 14 year olds that came home past a curfew?

Glad you're all sorted OP. I've read all your posts and some batshit responses and I am very glad you plan not to LTB having locked him out and fucked off for a spa day

Glad you're all sorted OP. I've read all your posts and some batshit responses and I am very glad you plan not to LTB having locked him out and fucked off for a spa day

Sigh

& women wonder why too many fathers think they can still act like they are responsibility free teens & roll in or not as they feel like it leaving their DP with full responsibility always

Well there's your answer... because some women are dumb enough to let them

@RockinHorseShit

Yes it's a bit annoying but if you were that concerned about his safety you wouldn't then lock him out, would you. You'd make sure he was safe and warm and deal with your anger later.

He's a grown up & I'm not his mother. Keeping him or any man safe when they get themselves into such a state is not my responsibility, that's on their head not mine & I have every right not to want to deal with a drunken arse early in the morning, because I am not a mug

If that's your mindset you wouldn't have been worried about him the night he didn't come home either.

@ShirleyPhallus The op is supporting her husband to go out by parenting while unwell. It’s ok to step back and say I won’t do that for you. I guess he could find a babysitter who would happily stay if he failed to turn up at home, but I wouldn’t again make the effort to be the active parent while quite unwell myself. It clearly wasn’t appreciated. I think when women in a family are having their efforts both taken for granted and not reciprocated, it’s ok to stop those efforts. If it’s reciprocated (in other ways sometimes,not exactly the same way) then you’re a team. If it’s appreciated and valued, then you’re a team. If it’s neither, time to step back. That’s why my dh does most of the meal planning and food shopping now and we are a better team for it.

If that's your mindset you wouldn't have been worried about him the night he didn't come home either.

There's a big difference between worrying about a DP going AWOL & not knowing how or where they are, or even if they are okay, alive etc, to then knowing they had no other excuse for that than behaving like an over grown teenager with no responsibilities because that's what wifey is for 🙄

@Wifewiththerage

So DH is still not 100% today, bless him but I’m feeling almost back to normal and it’s the weekend!! 🙌🏻

A few points to clear up. DH is a wonderful husband and father, he’s not perfect but I’m not sure any living person is, he’s the kind that you’ll find with a recipe book researching vegetarian Christmas options because he wants our vegi daughter to have something homemade on Christmas Day, the kind that will voluntarily put himself on mental health courses to be an advocate and support to shipmates at work, the kind that has been working on something homemade in the garage for my Christmas, which is a surprise. The kind that gets up at 6am every weekend to take 2 DD’s to sports lessons and events....

He’s a bit gruff round the edges but he’s a real salt of the Earth good guy and I have never EVER doubted him about being faithful, it’s just not in his makings.

The apology wasn’t a half hearted one, he was really sorry and has said it will never happen again and I do absolutely believe him, though next year I may just tell him to plan to stay on base!!!! 🤪

None of that matters OP. When you’re a dad on MN you’re not allowed to step out of line, even once, without the wrath of the massive raining down on your head. What’s more, if you don’t agree it’s your fault too.

Of course none of these people would have protracted crap in their own marriages for such a minor transgression…but it’s very satisfying to cast judgement on someone else’s and find it lacking.

I have occasionally behaved like an overgrown teenager. As previously mentioned, it is I who has overindulged in drunk misadventure and fallen asleep before apologetically turning up in the morning. I don’t give a single toot what mn thinks of me. I’m a good mum and wife and I’ve got nothing to prove.

Don’t think this thread will be helpful to you any more. Have a nice weekend.

@Pictish

If you think going awol all night, leaving his sick wife worrying whilst taking care of THEIR baby, is a minor transgression, you need to work on your boundaries, as that is pretty fucked up & leaves you vulnerable to doormat territory

W

I’ve done it two, maybe three times in twenty five years.
Hasn’t made a dink.