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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 16:16

Ok he’s home!

Feeling very sorry for himself and very apologetic.

He apparently left the rest of his friends in a pub found himself in a bus stop and then managed to flag a taxi back to base, though he didn’t make it to accommodation and ended up sleeping on the office floor.

He has admitted it was shitty behaviour and “all him” and said he was just really drunk this morning when he 1st messaged and was promptly sick so was just feeling very awful and then still had a fairly full day of work to do...shame!! 😬

He said he’s now ready to hibernate for another 4 years and really doesn’t like socialising, though I kind feel he’s missing the point.

He’s now snoring his head off next to me so a good thing I’m feeling okish and can see to the DC!!!

OP posts:
user0176 · 02/12/2021 16:19

@Wifewiththerage I'm really glad OP, I think the apology is all that was required, we all do something silly now and again and the fact he's remorseful is all that matters in my book. Now rinse it for all it's worth 😂😂

RockinHorseShit · 02/12/2021 16:21

He'd be locked out

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Catfog · 02/12/2021 16:25

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
So if your partner went into work and said I'll be getting the bus back at 5pm and didn't return home all night you wouldn't worry? Also pretty ironic to say that to a military spouse who I'm sure is used to their partner being away.
RampantIvy · 02/12/2021 16:34

Blimy. Some posters have very low standards and are completely lacking in empathy, especially makelovenotpetrol. I don't understand why you wouldn't worry abut someone who said they were coming home at 11 and then you don't hear from them until the next day. It isn't being immature or snowflakey to worry about your husband.

TBH I would be concerned about someone who didn't worry about their other half if they stayed out all night without at least letting their partner know. Maybe they don't really care about their partner.

I will be out all night for our work Christmas do, but I have booked a hotel and DH knows where I will be and who I will be with. We live rurally so a hotel is cheaper than a taxi (even if I could get one).

JudgeJ · 02/12/2021 16:37

@Campfirewood

Ex- military here, when you’re required to carry out a dangerous/critical task, you wouldn’t go out drinking the night before. In my experience I would be on a ‘readiness’ state, usually 2 hours, 4 hours, 12 hours or 1 day. We didn’t drink. My DH has been on stand by for defending the country and if he drank he would be dragged in front of a court martial!
I recall almost carrying a Naval Lieutenant back to his ship which was used to patrol a politically sensitive area, we asked when he was due on duty, Oh I've been on duty since 5 o'clock! It was no surprise to read a few years later that he had been kicked out for making serious errors of judgement when navigating a much larger vessel.
alreadytaken · 02/12/2021 16:40

Thankfully it it not the 1970s and women dont have to put up with this sort of crap. It's easy to text too drunk to make it home, sorry - be in touch when sobered up.

Once you are felling better, OP, time to take yourself away for a night leaving him to mind the children.

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 17:09

@Wifewiththerage

Ok he’s home!

Feeling very sorry for himself and very apologetic.

He apparently left the rest of his friends in a pub found himself in a bus stop and then managed to flag a taxi back to base, though he didn’t make it to accommodation and ended up sleeping on the office floor.

He has admitted it was shitty behaviour and “all him” and said he was just really drunk this morning when he 1st messaged and was promptly sick so was just feeling very awful and then still had a fairly full day of work to do...shame!! 😬

He said he’s now ready to hibernate for another 4 years and really doesn’t like socialising, though I kind feel he’s missing the point.

He’s now snoring his head off next to me so a good thing I’m feeling okish and can see to the DC!!!

Great news

I’d let it go now completely

GnomeDePlume · 02/12/2021 17:26

@Wifewiththerage great news and you can also enjoy his hangover. Other people's hangovers are always so much more fun than one's own.

Nowomenaroundeh · 02/12/2021 17:28

Hi OP,

I think he's behaved like an absolute .

I'm glad he's apologised. Make sure you get an overnight away yourself.

BruceAndNosh · 02/12/2021 17:31

Great, so he's still opting out of being a parent.

I guess your kids are too old to be playing drums with saucepans right beside his sleeping head.
Since you're the only one doing anything around the house, time to start Hoovering around his moribund form

pictish · 02/12/2021 17:36

I was just coming on to say that I’d be miffed about being left to worry about him, fearing an accident, an incident or worse…but once I knew he was alive and well I’d probably shelve it.

I say this because out of dh and I, I am the one most likely to end up on an impulsive, alcohol-fuelled misadventure culminating in falling asleep somewhere. I’m not a social bod really but when I do (rarely) go out I stay out. I have appeared at 6am dishevelled and still drunk a couple of times in our 25 years together. We have three kids too.

I apologised for the lack of contact. He accepted my apology and let me sleep it off. He’s a great hangover nurse.

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 17:46

@Wifewiththerage

Ok he’s home!

Feeling very sorry for himself and very apologetic.

He apparently left the rest of his friends in a pub found himself in a bus stop and then managed to flag a taxi back to base, though he didn’t make it to accommodation and ended up sleeping on the office floor.

He has admitted it was shitty behaviour and “all him” and said he was just really drunk this morning when he 1st messaged and was promptly sick so was just feeling very awful and then still had a fairly full day of work to do...shame!! 😬

He said he’s now ready to hibernate for another 4 years and really doesn’t like socialising, though I kind feel he’s missing the point.

He’s now snoring his head off next to me so a good thing I’m feeling okish and can see to the DC!!!

It's not about that though, is it, OP? It's about the way you've said he shifts blame, he gaslights you, he rarely apologises.

You can't see the forest for the trees I'm afraid if you let him go to sleep and allow this to go unchallenged.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/12/2021 18:48

@ClaudiaJ1. Give it a rest, the man screwed up, apologised, his wife is ok about it and nothing suggests some terribly worrying pattern.

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 18:55

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@ClaudiaJ1. Give it a rest, the man screwed up, apologised, his wife is ok about it and nothing suggests some terribly worrying pattern.[/quote]
@theleafandnotthetree I guess you missed this from the OP: *not just in anything drink related but in general, he does like to shift the blame if he can and also does get very defensive if he’s in the wrong!

I will get an apology but it will be in a “Look I’m sorry ok” type of way!*

That does suggest a worrying pattern that OP is gaslighted and he never owns his actions.

Aderyn21 · 02/12/2021 19:54

I agree with Claudia. It's easy enough to apologise with words, but the way you know a person is truly sorry is if their behaviour changes. If this is a pattern with him (minimising, gaslighting etc) then sorry doesn't mean much.
I'd still be really angry - he's said sorry and considers that to be good enough and is now peacefully sleeping off his hangover without a care in the world, while you carry on being responsible for everything. Mug is the word that springs to mind. Wake the fucker up to look after his kids while you get the sleep you didn't have last night!

Generic12345 · 02/12/2021 19:57

Are you not concerned about infidelity?

theleafandnotthetree · 02/12/2021 20:38

@ClaudiaJ1. Or it suggests he's got flaws like the rest of us, I think the OP said earlier it was one of the few he had as a generally good husband and father. It's not great obviously but some of the language being used here suggests some sort of abusive and manipulative asshole. OP feel free to correct me if I'm wrong but I don't get that sense from your posts at all

fabricfanatic · 02/12/2021 22:43

I wouldn't let him off the hook so easily, but I can't stand it when people won't accept responsibility for making selfish, stupid choices.

I'd tell him how disappointed I was that he'd been too selfish to send a message, not to mention staying out all night when he knew your were ill (and had no way of knowing that you were feeling somewhat better). It doesn't matter how often he goes out, if he behaves like an arse when he does!

Next time he wants to go out, I'd want it to be at a time when I wasn't ill, and I'd expect a message within an agreed-upon window of time, if he's staying out later than expected. That's not so much to ask, really!

Happy1982ish · 03/12/2021 05:54

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@ClaudiaJ1. Or it suggests he's got flaws like the rest of us, I think the OP said earlier it was one of the few he had as a generally good husband and father. It's not great obviously but some of the language being used here suggests some sort of abusive and manipulative asshole. OP feel free to correct me if I'm wrong but I don't get that sense from your posts at all[/quote]
Totally agree

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 08:24

@pictish

I was just coming on to say that I’d be miffed about being left to worry about him, fearing an accident, an incident or worse…but once I knew he was alive and well I’d probably shelve it.

I say this because out of dh and I, I am the one most likely to end up on an impulsive, alcohol-fuelled misadventure culminating in falling asleep somewhere. I’m not a social bod really but when I do (rarely) go out I stay out. I have appeared at 6am dishevelled and still drunk a couple of times in our 25 years together. We have three kids too.

I apologised for the lack of contact. He accepted my apology and let me sleep it off. He’s a great hangover nurse.

No one who has been so unwell that getting themselves to the bathroom was a challenge as recently as yesterday should be hangover nurse to another adult.
timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 08:25

I’d accept the apology but say if I’m unwell like this you’ll just have to not go next time since you can’t trust yourself to make it home. Consequences.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 03/12/2021 10:05

So DH is still not 100% today, bless him but I’m feeling almost back to normal and it’s the weekend!! 🙌🏻

A few points to clear up. DH is a wonderful husband and father, he’s not perfect but I’m not sure any living person is, he’s the kind that you’ll find with a recipe book researching vegetarian Christmas options because he wants our vegi daughter to have something homemade on Christmas Day, the kind that will voluntarily put himself on mental health courses to be an advocate and support to shipmates at work, the kind that has been working on something homemade in the garage for my Christmas, which is a surprise. The kind that gets up at 6am every weekend to take 2 DD’s to sports lessons and events....

He’s a bit gruff round the edges but he’s a real salt of the Earth good guy and I have never EVER doubted him about being faithful, it’s just not in his makings.

The apology wasn’t a half hearted one, he was really sorry and has said it will never happen again and I do absolutely believe him, though next year I may just tell him to plan to stay on base!!!! 🤪

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 03/12/2021 10:15

Sorry but you are still being a walk over. My DH is a similarly good guy, but he's not a good guy when he leaves me worrying if he's had an accident or something, because he's too pissed to get in touch to say he'll be very late home or not home. That makes him a dickhead, especially in the circumstances you describe & in that moment, he'll be treat like a dickhead.

My DH only ever did this once, because I locked him out & he had the embarrassment of ringing round friends at 6.30 am to find a place to stay. He has never done it again in 20 years. Don't be a mug

girlmom21 · 03/12/2021 10:31

@RockinHorseShit

Sorry but you are still being a walk over. My DH is a similarly good guy, but he's not a good guy when he leaves me worrying if he's had an accident or something, because he's too pissed to get in touch to say he'll be very late home or not home. That makes him a dickhead, especially in the circumstances you describe & in that moment, he'll be treat like a dickhead.

My DH only ever did this once, because I locked him out & he had the embarrassment of ringing round friends at 6.30 am to find a place to stay. He has never done it again in 20 years. Don't be a mug

She's not a mug for not locking her DH out when he's been out on the piss.

Yes it's a bit annoying but if you were that concerned about his safety you wouldn't then lock him out, would you. You'd make sure he was safe and warm and deal with your anger later.