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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:16

First night out in 4 years. I wouldn’t be angry about this.

I would be beside myself with worry though. But this is why we have find my iPhone.

Aderyn21 · 02/12/2021 08:22

I'd be really furious and worried. I think this is so selfish. His priority should be looking after his sick wife - sounds to me like you've been too chilled and he's become accustomed to pleasing himself.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 02/12/2021 08:23

I would be going between frantic with worry and furious. Hope you hear from him soon

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CalamariGames · 02/12/2021 08:24

I would be upset because he promised to be back since you were ill and he should stick to his word. If it weren't for that he could have just told you in advance he was staying out and you would have been fine with it. How would he feel if you said you would do something for him when he was ill then "forgot" with a flimsy excuse.

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 08:24

How many children do you have OP?

gannett · 02/12/2021 08:32

Why didn't he take his key?! You shouldn't have to leave the door unlocked.

Four years is a very long time not to have a night out, genuinely can't imagine that.

It wouldn't cross my mind to be worried (nor vice versa). DP and I have both come home after we've said we will, after midnight, well into the early morning, countless times. There's no rational reason to assume we'd end up dead in a ditch.

I expect a text if a change in DP's plans involves a change in mine (ie, "I'm staying out for dinner, eat without me") but tbh anything after 11pm is fair game, I've probably gone to bed by then and will have no idea what time he comes home. Depending on who we're seeing it's also fairly predictable when "a couple of drinks" turns into stumbling in at 4am.

I feel sorry for the posters whose first assumption is that he's shagging someone else.

Madmog · 02/12/2021 08:32

As mentioned a few replies up, I'd be worried sick and furious at the same time. Who was he with, obviously people who don't care about him to think his family must be worried and should let them know where he is! Even if his phone was off, between a group of people someone would have had a working phone.

makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:34

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. If my DH goes out I see him when he gets home. Nights out are rare when you have kids - neither partner should have to have naggy messages to deal with - just have some fun.

Tal45 · 02/12/2021 08:35

I think it's awful, you're ill and he has kids to consider now. It sounds like he never planned to come home as he took the pass with him so he basically lied about leaving at 11. Personally I want to be able to trust my OH to do as he says and to let me know if something changes, it's just common decency to me. You know he was on whatsapp around 11 so there's no reason he couldn't have let you know what was going on, so if he says his phone died you'll know that's a lie too. I doubt he 'had' to show his face either, he could easily say his wife's ill.

I don't think he's shown you much thought or respect here but what's the point of being angry? Be disappointed and upset instead because that's at the root of the anger. I'd be mostly upset about all the lying tbh and anyone who says it's your fault he felt he had to lie is just victim blaming. No one has to lie, they need to deal with the situation like an adult. He should have said to you, 'I know you're ill and it's not really fair but I haven't had a big night out for several years and I'd really like to go to this, have a messy one and stay over. Would you mind as a one off ?' At least then you wouldn't spend all night waiting for him to come home.

Personally I grew out of getting shit faced and all nighters at around 25 and so wouldn't want to be with someone like that but I appreciate it's popular with a lot of people. If he's going to be a bit selfish though then he at least needs to be upfront and honest about it, it's the lying that I really wouldn't appreciate.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:35

@Happy1982ish 3

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 08:35

@makelovenotpetrol

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. If my DH goes out I see him when he gets home. Nights out are rare when you have kids - neither partner should have to have naggy messages to deal with - just have some fun.
And you wouldn’t be worried if your husband said he’d be leaving at 11 to catch last bus and almost 12 hours later… you’d not heard a squeak from him?
BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:36

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. If my DH goes out I see him when he gets home.

If that’s the agreement that’s fair enough, but isn’t it a bit different if your DH said “I’ll be home on the 11.30 bus” because you were ill and had kids to see to the next day, then didn’t do it?

makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:36

@Happy1982ish no

makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:37

@BoredZelda

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. If my DH goes out I see him when he gets home.

If that’s the agreement that’s fair enough, but isn’t it a bit different if your DH said “I’ll be home on the 11.30 bus” because you were ill and had kids to see to the next day, then didn’t do it?

It's a night out I wouldn't care.
PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 08:38

I'm amazed so many posters are professing that they wouldn't mind and acting like it's perfectly normal for someone to go awol for hours without communication.

It's not nagging to expect your partner to communicate where they have fucked off to when you've not heard from them since last night. He's got responsibilities and a sick wife at home leaving at 11pm was perfectly sufficient.

CottonSock · 02/12/2021 08:39

This wouldn't happen in our house no way. By me or dh. The other would be beside themselves with worry.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 08:39

He’s on his way home.

“Hi

Coming home now.”

OP posts:
makelovenotpetrol · 02/12/2021 08:40

@PinkWaferBiscuit

I'm amazed so many posters are professing that they wouldn't mind and acting like it's perfectly normal for someone to go awol for hours without communication.

It's not nagging to expect your partner to communicate where they have fucked off to when you've not heard from them since last night. He's got responsibilities and a sick wife at home leaving at 11pm was perfectly sufficient.

It's MN. It's the world of pathetic hand wringing and whinging over the stupidest of things. Like this. It's snowflake central, not real life where people don't actually care about minor stuff.
BleuJay · 02/12/2021 08:40

I would t come home for ages either if it was the first time in FOUR years that is been out!

He’s a grown man so I wouldn’t be worried unduly until lunchtime the next day.

If I had been so unwell I had to rely on him to look after the children I would have made arrangements for childcare the next day knowing that he hadn’t been out in FOUR years and he might not be in a fit state to care for them or not be home until later in the day.

I wouldn’t be angry at all.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:40

I don't think this is how marriage and parenting should be but that's me.

To be fair, it doesn’t sound like parenting is regularly like this for the OP. And isn’t marriage about understanding sometimes people aren’t perfect and things occasionally can happen that aren’t ideal?

Joystir59 · 02/12/2021 08:41

Glad he's ok, and he will be home soon. Please don't be hard on him.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 08:41

@Wifewiththerage

He’s on his way home.

“Hi

Coming home now.”

God that message would probably just add to how pissed off I was. Its so blunt and matter of fact with no consideration for the fact he's not said a word to you all night and he doesn't even say sorry for not messaging you sooner!
PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 08:43

It's MN. It's the world of pathetic hand wringing and whinging over the stupidest of things. Like this. It's snowflake central, not real life where people don't actually care about minor stuff.

You consider your partner staying out all night leaving you home alone sick with 3 kids without contacting you minor? The mind boggles at how some relationships work? Confused

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/12/2021 08:45

If you aren't planning on coming home, you say that. You don't lie, say you will be home at X time and then not communicate. It takes seconds to send a text, WhatsApp etc.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 08:46

It's a night out I wouldn't care.

You wouldn’t care that your DH made a commitment then decided not to do it without speaking to you first? What a low bar that is. Whoever it is, if you promise to do something then don’t, that’s a crappy thing to do.

If I had been so unwell I had to rely on him to look after the children I would have made arrangements for childcare the next day knowing that he hadn’t been out in FOUR years and he might not be in a fit state to care for them or not be home until later in the day.

Why should you do this if the other person said they would be home?

My husband rarely goes out drinking, usually just the Christmas party. He either books a hotel, or he says he will get the last train. The one time he missed the train, he texted to say so and that was fine. When he says he is coming home, I don’t make arrangements just in case because in 20 years, he has missed the train once.