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Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 02/12/2021 12:55

My DH is similar to yours, general good guy and this would be a rare event for him. So I wouldn't be too mad!

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2021 13:16

@BoredZelda

Maybe for the squaddies but IME the Officers behave a bit better.

No, they just do it in better surroundings and with tablecloths 😉

Retired - was RCT

My dad was RCT. It was definitely part of the culture.

Grin
Gonnagetgoing · 02/12/2021 13:24

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

'Shagging around' in foreign countries is a quick way to lose your security clearance... Hmm
look I know what I know and having lots of affairs/messaging women which are then not reported is definitely what's happened to a few women I know.

Plus my ex-fiance actually wasn't from UK and he never cheated on me as far as I know.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Gonnagetgoing · 02/12/2021 13:27

[quote OhGiveUp]@Aroundtheworldin80moves I agree completely. My DH is AF, currently AF with a different country and he and most of his oppo's thought badly of anyone cheating on their spouses. In fact, if you were found cheating with a pad you were usually posted out before you could say biff chit.[/quote]
Maybe things have changed then. Because this was approx 20 years ago and so I heard back then it was common.

My ex-fiance was at least 10-15 years ago and I wasn't with him and he's from another country anyway.

user0176 · 02/12/2021 13:28

Plus my ex-fiance actually wasn't from UK and he never cheated on me as far as I know.

Well of course not, not YOU, just every other military partner hey 😉

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 13:29

Again, these events are so so much heavier than civilian events. They all know there's a bed on base to stagger back too, so they really let loose. The level of alcohol is like nothing I've ever seen before, or since.

This and all your other stuff is irrelevant. He said he would be back. This isn’t about how different it is, regardless of the situation he said he would be back and then didn’t turn up. That is a problem.

Also, if there is a group of people who when they make a plan they stick to it or advise others of the change, it is those with the kind of discipline being in the forces demands.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 13:32

So I wrote a huge reply and my phone died and I’ve lost it.

To cut a long story short he’s still not home The thing that has pissed me off the most throughout the whole thing was actually this morning with his “Hi I’m coming home” text. No sorry, no explanation, so I lost my shit a little and he was arsey back and went to work instead of coming home, (good hope his hangover hurts like hell)

I’m since calmed down and sent him an email to say that I really did expect quite a grovelling apology for no text/message to let me know his plans had changed and an explanation. I’ve read through most of the posts and while I do think I’m quite forgiving with some things. I still think I have the right to be pissed off that he didn’t care enough to let me know that his plans had changed.

I even said, you could still have turned your phone off and deal with the consequences in the morning, just send a quick two minute message first, I still think it’s really awful he didn’t.

He hasn’t replied but I’m sure he feeling a tad sensitive and defensive and hope the explanation/apology will come later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 13:35

As has been covered the military aren’t on constant standby, for example DH unit is in a heavy maintenance period at the moment and while there are still duties that have to be covered and meeting the most part it’s just admin heavy.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 13:35

The short response was no doubt his deathly hangover

All being well, he will profusely apologise

He’s behaved poorly and Inconsiderately but seeing as very rare - I’d accept the apology and move on so that doesn’t spoil the weekend

Gonnagetgoing · 02/12/2021 13:35

@tinytemper66

can't quote your post. When I was with my ex-fiance I was 21 and none of the lads posted abroad (he was in Yugoslavia) did cheat. The cheating as far as I was told happened later on, either when he got married (in another country and not to me) or for some others over here, similar when they were married and were having marriage troubles.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that all forces men or women cheat and sorry if it came across that way.

Happy1982ish · 02/12/2021 13:36

Sorry if I missed
But are not the other military wives worried and in contact?
Or just your dh behaves like this?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 13:36

so I lost my shit a little and he was arsey back and went to work instead of coming home, (good hope his hangover hurts like hell)

Completely reasonable to lose your shit at the lack of an apology. I hope when he eventually comes home he's had enough time to think about selfish a his behaviour was and how unreasonable the lack of any message all night is.

Hopefully as well as the mother of all hang overs he's also whined about you at work today and they have firmly put him in his place about how poor his behaviour was.

MollysDolly · 02/12/2021 13:37

[quote user0176]@MollysDolly nah that's total BS, sure I know plenty of military blokes that pull this shit often but they tend to be the shitheads that don't respect their wives. I've been a military wife for 10+ years, I have standards, and my DH knows full well it would not be acceptable to do this. If it's a big night (like an Xmas do) it's prearranged and he sorts accommodation, if he's coming home, he comes home. If it changed he would call me.

That said, a one off I wouldn't be calling a divorce lawyer or anything, but I would be worried and expect an apology. I understand the culture to a degree, but I know my husband more, the military doesn't define him and it's not an excuse for disrespecting your spouse.[/quote]
Often?

OP says he's not been out for 4 years.

Then, for the first time in 4 years, on base, he has a blow out and falls asleep, on base. With the others. Probably cuddling a punch bowl or inflatable giraffe.

And knowing military culture, you think this is beyond the pale and below standards. Any servicemen behaving this way are "shitheads that don't respect their wives"

He made a mistake of not texting OP. On the one night when she already knows it's going to be a seriously big one, and he's not going to be making much sense in a very short space of time. I imagine he said he'd be home by 11 because he knew it would cause an argument if he didn't, and he'd end up not going at all. After 4 years, he's allowed one night. Turns out OP has managed fine.

Gonnagetgoing · 02/12/2021 13:39

@user0176

Plus my ex-fiance actually wasn't from UK and he never cheated on me as far as I know.

Well of course not, not YOU, just every other military partner hey 😉

Look, I clarified - some of what I heard did happen a few years ago.

But no idea if half the stories I heard could have been embroidered on, to make their lives sound more fun. Who knows?

One lovely army guy I know who was stationed abroad (now retired) wouldn't have cheated on his wife in a million years because he just isn't the type and is also a close male friend of mine.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 13:42

@MollysDolly “allowed” have you read any of my PP’s I have never stopped him going on a night out, he chooses not too!

OP posts:
royco · 02/12/2021 13:43

I wouldn't be happy OP, and I think you're being remarkably calm about it.

What time is he due home?

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 13:45

@royco I’m not sure.

I’m not sure how he got work clothes, his laptop is here, (never without when he’s at work) so possibly when he stops sulking, though what he has to sulk about it beyond me!

OP posts:
Tal45 · 02/12/2021 13:52

Can't believe he didn't even pretend to be sorry and went straight to work so you couldn't even talk about it. Is this really totally out of character OP? He's being a bit of a dick about it since he knew you were ill.

ElftonWednesday · 02/12/2021 13:57

If people get so incoherently pissed that they can't even operate their phone then they need to seriously cut back or stop drinking. Just basic adulting. I can drink for England but I always let people know I'm ok or when I'm going to be late if I'm expected back home.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 13:58

@ElftonWednesday I get the feeling it was bit of a selected choice thing rather than a case of drunken fingers!

OP posts:
user0176 · 02/12/2021 14:00

@MollysDolly I didn't say the OP's fella did this often, I said I knew of plenty of other military blokes that pull this shit often and they're not good blokes but people like you excuse their behaviour as being part of the culture which is bullshit, good blokes don't do that, being a military spouse doesn't mean you have to put up with that shit, we have enough to deal with without being disrespected like that.

As I said as it was a one off I wouldn't be seething, but I would have been worried and looking for an apology, not exactly a tall ask?

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2021 14:03

Happy for dh to go out

But surely anyone would worry if didn’t hear from their dh and didnt come home and didn’t text to say staying out

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2021 14:05

Is he still not home and now 2pm

MrsDoctorDear · 02/12/2021 14:06

He's an inconsiderate twat. Now he's on the defence because you had a moan. This is why men get away with being inconsiderate fuckers, they turn it round on you. Bit of silent treatment, make you feel like you're in the wrong. All forgiven, job done.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 14:07

But surely anyone would worry if didn’t hear from their dh and didnt come home and didn’t text to say staying out

You would think it a perfectly reasonable assumption but apparently some posters wouldn't even bat an eyelid at a missing other half and no messages because tthey're not needy and the other person is an adult. Hmm

Hopefully the OPs (not so D)H comes home after work full of appologies having taken responsibility for his crab behaviour and realises how much of an idiot he's been.