Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

361 replies

Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 07:18

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 14:13

@Blondeshavemorefun he’s gone to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 14:17

@PinkWaferBiscuit I would say this is one of DH’s few though recurring flaws, not just in anything drink related but in general, he does like to shift the blame if he can and also does get very defensive if he’s in the wrong!

I will get an apology but it will be in a “Look I’m sorry ok” type of way!

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 02/12/2021 14:20

[quote Wifewiththerage]@PinkWaferBiscuit I would say this is one of DH’s few though recurring flaws, not just in anything drink related but in general, he does like to shift the blame if he can and also does get very defensive if he’s in the wrong!

I will get an apology but it will be in a “Look I’m sorry ok” type of way![/quote]
Oww that would leave me seething. I hate non apologies or refusal to admit guilt. It's no good saying sorry if you don't fucking mean it!. You're not 2 years old getting cross because someone took the red crayon, it doesn't magically make everything better just because he's said an unfeeling sorry. Angry

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
PrivateHall · 02/12/2021 14:22

I just couldn't deal with someone like this at all. So incredibly selfish and irresponsible. And a night out like that then heading in to work? After no contact etc. Nope, I am afraid this would be a deal breaker for me.

royco · 02/12/2021 14:23

I would be really upset and still worried about what he wasn't telling me.

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 14:25

OP the blatant lack of disrespect for you is disgusting. I think you need to tell him that if it ever happens again, your marriage is over, you won't ever tolerate it. And I would not be intimate with him until you received a genuine groveling apology. That behaviour and disrespect is a deal breaker for me and would be for any other married woman. If he wants to act like a carefree single man, he can do it, but it's permanent. His choice. DON'T accept this behaviour or his disgusting attitude to you.

Aderyn21 · 02/12/2021 14:28

Having standards in a relationship doesn't make a person needy. And actually it's okay to need a partner to be home and helping you, when you are ill.
Parents don't have the luxury of doing whatever they want in the assumption that the other parent will just pick up their responsibilities-the husband had an obligation to come home and help his sick wife and get the kids ready for school. A woman who objects to being dumped on is simply setting standards (and not especially high ones) in her relationship!

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 14:29

[quote Wifewiththerage]@PinkWaferBiscuit I would say this is one of DH’s few though recurring flaws, not just in anything drink related but in general, he does like to shift the blame if he can and also does get very defensive if he’s in the wrong!

I will get an apology but it will be in a “Look I’m sorry ok” type of way![/quote]
Well you need to change that then, don't you. I would not accept him 'shifting blame' or 'getting defensive', and I would accept nothing less than a TRUE, heartfelt groveling apology. He gets away with behaviour that you LET him get away with.

I would tell him that your marriage is at stake here, and he needs to change and this is it. And consider marriage counselling to address the issues in your post above, along with his disrespecting of his marriage vows. He is not a single man. If he wants to act like one, then he needs to exit the marriage. If he doesn't agree to counselling, then that's your way out and I would walk. But say it and mean it. He will probably call your bluff because you have accepted his treatment and disrespect up til now so thinks you will this time, too.

Aderyn21 · 02/12/2021 14:32

If my husband behaved like the OPs has this morning he'd be coming home to his bags on the doorstep and he could duck off and live in military accommodation until he learnt some bloody manners! Seriously OP don't let this slide for a quiet life - he made a deliberate choice to do this, it's a huge fuck you!

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 14:33

I think his disrespect of you, inability to accept blame, inability to communicate and to truly apologise to the woman he supposedly loves would actually upset me greater than this night out, to be honest.

If he gaslights you, shifts blame, gets defensive, won't genuinely apologise..... he does not sound like a 'decent' man or a good 'family man'. He does not sound very nice at all, OP. And it seems he treats you like shit when it suits him, and you've just let him get away with it so far.

How he actually treats you raises so many red flags, but I sense you'll probably ignore this, yet again, and put up with not receiving a genuine apology and being treated like an equal. This is 2021, not 1940s. Demand to be respected. And that means true apologies, true open communication and not gaslighting you by shifting blame.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2021 14:41

[quote Wifewiththerage]@Blondeshavemorefun he’s gone to work![/quote]
Ah right. Sorry missed that

Thought he was coming home but still not there

RestingPandaFace · 02/12/2021 14:41

To cut a long story short he’s still not home The thing that has pissed me off the most throughout the whole thing was actually this morning with his “Hi I’m coming home” text. No sorry, no explanation, so I lost my shit a little and he was arsey back and went to work instead of coming home, (good hope his hangover hurts like hell)

@Wifewiththerage yeah that would have pissed me off too. It’s thoughtless to forget to text, but to act like an idiot about it is definitely not OK. I hope he has the day from hell!

ClaudiaJ1 · 02/12/2021 14:48

@Aderyn21

If my husband behaved like the OPs has this morning he'd be coming home to his bags on the doorstep and he could duck off and live in military accommodation until he learnt some bloody manners! Seriously OP don't let this slide for a quiet life - he made a deliberate choice to do this, it's a huge fuck you!
If my husband behaved like the OPs has this morning he'd be coming home to his bags on the doorstep and he could duck off and live in military accommodation until he learnt some bloody manners!

This! @Wifewiththerage I would so love, just for once on here, to see a woman Maintain The Rage and demand R.E.S.P.E.C.T (channeling Aretha Franklin) and have his bags ready when he gets home.

I'm not saying you should tell him you are divorcing him, what I am saying is that you need to make him realise how serious this is. Him told to go stay at the accommodation for say, 1 week, will really snap him out of it. I think then you'll see a change, because it will be a wake up call and he will realise just what he risks losing.

So please, Please do this. He needs the reality check a week, or even over the weekend, gives him.

Bookworm20 · 02/12/2021 15:02

How is he at work without work clothes and a computer?

Sounds like he is avoiding coming home but not necessarily at work, has he even asked how you are feeling today OP?

FOJN · 02/12/2021 15:03

I'd be pretty bloody furious. It's not about restricting someone's social life or controlling them it's about basic courtesy and respect.

I spent much of my career in healthcare working in ICU and people do indeed leave home and end up in hospital or never make it home again for a variety of distressing reasons. Supporting their shocked and distressed loved ones was one of the most challenging parts of the job.

In most cases the reasons people don't return home when expected are nothing to be concerned about but that doesn't mean we selfishly leave someone else to worry when we're out having a good time.

Original poster
Wifewiththerage · 02/12/2021 15:07

@Bookworm20 he will be at work, his laptop is his personal one, he just wouldn’t be without it if he was duty, booking a cabin etc so he will definitely be home at some point.

Uniform, he keeps spares at work, could have borrowed, gone and got some more from stores, who knows...

They do have quite a big exercise tomorrow so the plan always was for him to go into work today, just after a later start!

In his defence when he told me he was coming home today, I told him to fuck off and not to bother so he’s obviously taken that at my word 🤣

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 02/12/2021 15:09

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.

jpbee · 02/12/2021 15:15

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
I agree to an extent, but when someone 'does' have an easy means of communication and doesn't use it, it can become a source of concern/annoyance.
50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/12/2021 15:24

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
How dismissive.

That was the norm then, it is the norm now to stay in touch. Point is, OP was sick and worried, contacted her husband and he ignored her.

ShirleyPhallus · 02/12/2021 15:26

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
What an odd point to make. You weren’t used to the contact then so it wasn’t weird
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 02/12/2021 15:29

Presumably though @1forAll74 you knew that was the case before he went? He wasn't saying he'd be home at a certain time and then not appearing?

Aderyn21 · 02/12/2021 15:51

In the 70s/80s you didn't have mobiles but most had land lines and considerate people let their families know if they were going to be late etc. I remember many a reverse charges call from a phone box to my folks! There's a big difference between going out and no one having an expected time home and being expected and just not turning up.
Nowadays everyone has a mobile and if your battery dies then everyone you are with will have a mobile. So to not call is a deliberate choice isn't it and a big fuck you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2021 15:52

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
And that’s fine as wasn’t a way to contact

But now there is , it takes a few seconds to day not coming home /staying at hotel etx

Be home 8am before work etx

Skeumorph · 02/12/2021 16:01

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
But you wouldn't have needed to 'worry'. Because the norm then was to pre-arrange in a different way.

So conversations prior to leaving home - 'I might be back x y z' - I will see you Sunday - whatever.

The POINT is that her H had told her he was coming home... and then just didn't.

If your DH, back in the 80s, had told you he'd be on a 2-day trip then just didn't turn up on the Friday evening as planned - I'm sure you'd have been borrowing the neighbours landline to phone the hospitals.

That's the equivalent.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 02/12/2021 16:13

@1forAll74

It's a good job some people didn't live in the 1970/80's era. My late Husband used to go to different cities,for business meetings and social things all the time, and he used to book into a hotels overnight,if meetings and dinners went on late.or any drinking was involved. I was at home with our two children, and we did not have any mobile phones, or even a landline for some time.. So we just had to get used to some lack of contact at times, and not worry about anything.
Yay Well staying over night in a hotel when it’s planned is one thing. Not turning up when you said you would is another.

Nothing to do with mobile phones or being unable to cope with ‘totally normal situation in the 1970s’.
Everything to do with respect for the other person and ensuring they are not getting worried unnecessarily. Because you know, it’s always nicer to live with someone who is trustworthy and cares about you.

Of course you can also decide to say that whatever your partner does has nothing to do with you. But I suspect for most people this is not how they envisage a partnership. Imagine if women were doing the same thing and decided to fuck off on a night bender, leaving the dcs with their husband, even though he is ill and then not turning up in the morning to look after them… Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread