DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

[Wifewiththerage]

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

[quote Smorgasborb]@SpinsForGin he didn't know. He woke up around 5am and heard my cackles from next door so then realised where I was. He was worried when he first got home, then fell asleep and just laughed at me when I arrived home at 6am. [/quote]
It's pretty shitty behaviour not to at least let him know where you were!

OP how's things?

What happened when he got home?

girl,
'Anyone responding to you directly is responding to you being upset that people in the military are drinking outside of work hours because they need to protect us from terrorist attacks the next day '

How do you know the mindset of other posters??

Now many of you are making me question if I'm needy! We have a rule for all the adults in this house that if you don't intend to come home, text so no one has to worry. Obviously, when my DC went off to university/moved out, I no longer know their movements which is fine, but even now, if they are home for a visit, this rule still applies. They will often message me to say 'It's going to be more than a couple of drinks mum, don't expect me till morning!' The four of them have never had a problem with this nor has my DH. I don't think it's about control or neediness, I think it's about respect.

@Campfirewood

I was in the forces, I have never cheated. My DH has never cheated. My close male military friends haven’t cheated (about 7 of them).

Also an RAF, Navy engineering officer is likely a very different personality to an army infantry man/woman. ‘The forces’ is not one homogenous blob of people! I know people with 1st class degrees from Cambridge in the military who specialise in cyber security. They’re not out drinking and shagging all night.

That's you and your DH.

I know nothing about RAF, Navy engineering officers. However I do know that my ex-fiance years later was high up in army intelligence based in Iraq, Afghanistan etc but still cheated.

I'm not saying anything about the type of forces personnel cheating but I do know that when they're out (yes have seen it) if they mention they're in the forces etc and what they do 9 times out of 10 it attracts women. If they show them photos of them in uniform, with ID cards etc then the easier it is to hook them. I've seen forces personnel drinking normally in a pub not even looking to pull and as soon as they say army etc girls are round them quicker than bees round a honeypot.

I also know a few ex military people who specialise in data security through my last job with 1st class degrees and trust me a few of them shag around and certainly drink a lot (but because it's in City in London it's 'ok'). They get very good at keeping secrets from what I saw.

Well would he be OK with you doing that. No text Nothing?
I'd be fucking furious.

@Ellen888

girl, 'Anyone responding to you directly is responding to you being upset that people in the military are drinking outside of work hours because they need to protect us from terrorist attacks the next day '

How do you know the mindset of other posters??

Because I can read.

Bored

'Nah, I’m good, thanks.'

Not sure about that but you're certainly full of nasty put-downs.

I'm out of here.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend

Now many of you are making me question if I'm needy! We have a rule for all the adults in this house that if you don't intend to come home, text so no one has to worry. Obviously, when my DC went off to university/moved out, I no longer know their movements which is fine, but even now, if they are home for a visit, this rule still applies. They will often message me to say 'It's going to be more than a couple of drinks mum, don't expect me till morning!' The four of them have never had a problem with this nor has my DH. I don't think it's about control or neediness, I think it's about respect.

You're not needy. You just care about your family and their safety.

'Shagging around' in foreign countries is a quick way to lose your security clearance...

What I don't think is at all reasonable in the first place is that there was ever any time expectations set. That shouldn't happen. They're adults.

Yes. They are adults. Adults who are married. Not single fucking adults who can do what they want when they want and not have to consider or consult anyone else. When you enter into a relationship you have to do what is known as consideration of the person you are in a relationship with! This seems to be something some pp's on here are finding hard to grasp.

Part of being an adult in a relationship is considering that your partner may actually worry about you if you don't arrive home when they were expecting you to.

I'm not sure why thats so hard to understand!

I'd hate to be in a realtionship with someone who thought ' well i'm an adult I can do what I want and to hell with everyone else in my life'.
That to me is someone just acting like a single adult. Not one who has grown up enough to have an actual relationship with someone and therefore has to , on occasion, consider their partner and not be so bloody selfish.

I don't actually know any couples in real life who don't share their plans with each other! It's not about being needy or being controlled or being dictated to. A quick text or call to say, Hi I've had too much to drink/having a great time going to crash at eric's tonight so don't worry about me is called being an adult. Just not arriving home when you say you will, to me, is being a selfish immature prick and pretty inconsiderate towards your partner.

I was in the forces, I have never cheated. My DH has never cheated. My close male military friends haven’t cheated (about 7 of them).

The only service person I know who cheated was my brother. And he cheated on all his girlfriends before he joined up.

@TallulahsCurse

Your relationship sounds like the ones I had with my roommates in my 20s.

Letting your partner know what to expect schedule-wise is part of being an adult. Doing what you say you’ll do is having basic integrity.

Most couples have shared responsibilities and need to know when the other is coming and going to manage our basic lives. We don’t have small children in the house now but we do have pets. Someone needs to be around for the dog, for example. If one of us just decides to take off with no expectation of the time they will return the other is going to be stuck. This week alone we’ve had: appliance repair, HVAC service, packages on the porch, housekeeper to let in, and more. We have leaves to rake, shopping to do, and full time jobs that sometimes require our presence out of the house. We need to know the other person’s plans. We also like to see each other!

So the life you live where neither of you cares at all what the other is doing or when they might be done with it is great for you. But don’t act like normal people living normal adult lives are crazy or needy for expecting to know their partner’s basic plans.

My exH used to do this stuff to me then make out I was the bad guy for being pissed off about it. One of many reasons he's an exH. He used to help around the house and stuff but there was still a distinct lack of respect that broke down our marriage and this kind of stuff was part of it.
Oh to be a man and shirk off my responsibilities when I feel like it.

I just think it's rude not to tell your wife/husband/partner you'll not be home, if nothing else just to let them know you're ok and not to worry. Just common decency. I'd fairly chilled out and don't worry overly, but I might be a bit if my dh went out and I expected him home around midnight and he didn't turn up.

Sounds like the op was happy for him to go out, but a bit pissed he'd stopped out all night whilst she's ill with 3 kids and no help.

I dont know,if you have heard anything from him by now.If not,rather than being angry,I would be seriously worried something has happened to him....

@Justcannotbearsed

There's some weird responses on here. If my husband didn't come home from a work night out and hadn't texted - I'd be concerned. And I'd be pissed off if I was ill and had kids to look after.

Yes, with my current husband, I would feel the same.

What so many are missing is what these military events are like. My first (military) husband, and many others would have done exactly what OPs husband has. And if she's been a military wife for some time, I'm surprised she's even posting this.

Again, these events are so so much heavier than civilian events. They all know there's a bed on base to stagger back too, so they really let loose. The level of alcohol is like nothing I've ever seen before, or since.

The majority of people commenting on this thread are treating this like it's their DHs office Christmas do. It's so very different.

If (now) DH didn't come home and didn't contact me, I'd be cross. Firstly, where the hell has he slept. Lots of questions to be answered.

If my (ex) military husband went on his first military bash in 4 years, on the base, and hadn't come home, he'd get a grumble and an eye roll as he returned the following morning clutching his head. I have no suspicions or questions. Because I know where he's been. It's where they've all been. Hammered, and asleep cuddling each other in the mess. It is, and always will be, a massive blow out for them. Deservedly so. Even if he had said "see you by 11" I'd have already known, that's very very optimistic. As a forces wife, you know this. I'm not here to debate if it's right or wrong. It's what happens.

I do think some posters here have no idea what spouses of military employees give up. My friend's husband is in the RAF and it inconviences every single part of her life, and as OP said, he gets to swan off on his jollies with work or go on courses and leave her in the lurch. She had no career until recently because they move about so often that the logistics of a career are made difficult.

It's not something I could do and I think your DH needs to show more respect.

@MollysDolly nah that's total BS, sure I know plenty of military blokes that pull this shit often but they tend to be the shitheads that don't respect their wives. I've been a military wife for 10+ years, I have standards, and my DH knows full well it would not be acceptable to do this. If it's a big night (like an Xmas do) it's prearranged and he sorts accommodation, if he's coming home, he comes home. If it changed he would call me.

That said, a one off I wouldn't be calling a divorce lawyer or anything, but I would be worried and expect an apology. I understand the culture to a degree, but I know my husband more, the military doesn't define him and it's not an excuse for disrespecting your spouse.

@Campfirewood

I was in the forces, I have never cheated. My DH has never cheated. My close male military friends haven’t cheated (about 7 of them).

Also an RAF, Navy engineering officer is likely a very different personality to an army infantry man/woman. ‘The forces’ is not one homogenous blob of people! I know people with 1st class degrees from Cambridge in the military who specialise in cyber security. They’re not out drinking and shagging all night.

My son is in the RAF but not an officer and he isn`t like a squaddie either. At the moment he is somewhere in the Med but home soon to his lovely girlfriend [and hopefully mum and dad soon too.]

I find it odd that people think YABU. I'd be really annoyed with my DH if he went out and didn't let me know he wouldn't be home. It's not like him and it sounds like it's not like your husband either so naturally you're going to worry.

It's really inconsiderate. I've been the one out who has got carried away more than a few times but I've managed to tell DH as soon as my plans have changed. There's no excuse for it.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves I agree completely. My DH is AF, currently AF with a different country and he and most of his oppo's thought badly of anyone cheating on their spouses. In fact, if you were found cheating with a pad you were usually posted out before you could say biff chit.

[quote Wifewiththerage]@BleuJay with all your block capitals you seem to be suggesting I’ve in some way stopped my DH having a social life, even though I’ve repeatedly said throughout this thread that not to be the case.

I’m also glad you are in a position to arrange overnight/morning childcare for your DC, what a privilege.

I however do not.[/quote]
But your children aren't infants, two are in secondary school so assume they (as a once off) neither require care nor are incapable of giving a hand with the younger one and looking out for you. What he's done is not great but doesn't seem worthy of the big deal that's being made of it here.

I really don't know why you have such a problem with this or what you want me to say that would shut you up asking.

Have you confused me with someone else, @TallulahsCurse? That was the first time I asked, and it was a natural question leading on from what you had said.

I love him, I trust him not to break my trust in him and I genuinely do not mind what he does with his friends when he goes out, or how long he goes out for.

Yes, I get all that, but does there not come a time if (a) you're ill and (b) he's several hours past the time he said he would be back when you might at the very least start worrying whether something had happened to him?

I don't need or want to know a time, I'm perfectly content to let him go ahead and do whatever, and I have no need to know the ins and outs.

Again, isn't there a point when you at least need to know whether there is cause for concern? OP didn't ask her husband to give a time, he volunteered it. If he had said he would or might be out overnight, she could at least have asked him to get back to help in view of her illness.

If my husband says he will be back at midnight but isn't back the following morning, and I can't contact him, I'm liable to start wondering whether to ring round the hospitals. If he has said he will not be back till the following day then fine, I can relax.