DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

[Wifewiththerage]

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights

Why does OPs DH need to say I'll get the 11.30 bus at all? Why can't he stay out until he wants to come home? That's what I feel is a bit off / needy. It's a pair of adults, why are they having to give a bus time like a teenager

Because the OP was so unwell before he went out that he needed to help her to the bathroom & said about seeing the Dr today etc.

He shouldn't have even bloody gone, let alone not come home and not let her know he wasn't going to, is extremely shit.

The children are an 8yo & 2 teens. Someone needs to be up making sure they get to school, possibly even taking them.

He's been unloving & selfish - then texts what he did. I'd have told him not to bloody bother!

Well I agree on that front, if she can't go to the bathroom alone then no, he shouldn't have gone and she should have put her foot down about it.

@Gearedtoyou

What I don't think is at all reasonable in the first place is that there was ever any time expectations set. That shouldn't happen. They're adults.

You wouldn't expect to know that he won't be back by morning? Or to let him know you'll be out all night and not there when the children wake up?

How many times do I have to repeat myself, only to be followed by the same question!

NO! I wouldn't expect to know.

Please don't ask me the same thing again it's getting really tiresome, I'm not going to answer any differently if you ask me once or 50 times.

@Ellen888

Bored

'Try to follow the conversation'

Please lose the put-downs.

'The culture of getting pissed but still being able to get up the next day and do whatever was required.'

But that isn't what is happening in the thread is it?

Anyone responding to you directly is responding to you being upset that people in the military are drinking outside of work hours because they need to protect us from terrorist attacks the next day

@makelovenotpetrol

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. If my DH goes out I see him when he gets home. Nights out are rare when you have kids - neither partner should have to have naggy messages to deal with - just have some fun.

You seriously wouldn't mind in the slightest even if you were so ill you struggled to get to the bathroom, and even if your husband said he would be home at a specified time?

Wouldn't you at the very least want to know if he was safe?

I'd not worry until about 24 hours later.

So your partner could be uncontactable and missing for 24 hours and only then you'd start to worry? I think that's pretty unusual.

Well I agree on that front, if she can't go to the bathroom alone then no, he shouldn't have gone and she should have put her foot down about it.

If she's unwell enough to even go to the bathroom by herself she's hardly going to be able to stop him from going out. Surely the onus is on him to say actually you're unwell I should stay home, rather than blaming the OP for not putting her foot down.

What I don't think is at all reasonable in the first place is that there was ever any time expectations set. That shouldn't happen. They're adults.

If he'd hadn't have said he'd be getting the 11pm bus, the op wouldn't have expected that.

As it is, he did say that. The OP is unwell and they have 3 children who needed to get up and go to school, as well as him needing to go to work.

Any half decent adult will tell their other half of they're not coming home. They would not expect their, clearly quite ill, other half to manage everything child-wise without some sort of discussion.

Being an adult doesn't automatically mean you get to do everything you want without answering to anyone.

Ok @TallulahsCurse so no one will know or care if something has gone horribly wrong for either of you. That is the answer to the question you asked.

At what point would it be OK to start worrying, lunch time? 3 days later?

Please lose the put-downs.

Nah, I’m good, thanks.

But that isn't what is happening in the thread is it?

But it is what was being discussed as a secondary issue when someone suggested a) armed services personnel should be guarding the doors every minute of the day and b) that they didn’t recognise the culture of drinking that goes hand in hand with being in the services.

Which is why, when I’m referring to the OP’s situation, I quote those posts, and when discussing the secondary conversation, I quote those posts, and when answering this little tizzy you are having, I quote you. Thanks how Internet forums work.

Ex- military here, when you’re required to carry out a dangerous/critical task, you wouldn’t go out drinking the night before.
In my experience I would be on a ‘readiness’ state, usually 2 hours, 4 hours, 12 hours or 1 day. We didn’t drink.
My DH has been on stand by for defending the country and if he drank he would be dragged in front of a court martial!

How many times do I have to repeat myself, only to be followed by the same question!

NO! I wouldn't expect to know.

@TallulahsCurse, can you explain why not? "We're both adults" doesn't cut it when you have children and one of you is ill. Apart from anything else, if your husband has said he will be back by midnight then at least you have some sort of guideline as to when you might need to think about worrying in case he's been in an accident or taken ill.

@Whinge

I'd not worry until about 24 hours later.

So your partner could be uncontactable and missing for 24 hours and only then you'd start to worry? I think that's pretty unusual.

Well I agree on that front, if she can't go to the bathroom alone then no, he shouldn't have gone and she should have put her foot down about it.

If she's unwell enough to even go to the bathroom by herself she's hardly going to be able to stop him from going out. Surely the onus is on him to say actually you're unwell I should stay home, rather than blaming the OP for not putting her foot down.

Well OPs DH shouldn't have wanted to go if she was that unwell, so that's worrying.

But, if he was really insisting that he went and she knew she would need that much help she should have been forceful enough that he stayed.

Yes it's more on him that he shouldn't have even wanted to leave her, but if her safety was at stake then she should have tried harder yes. As it goes she's evidently fine.

I'd be mad but sorry to tell you this, I was engaged to a soldier from another country when much younger and have known friends in forces and the vast majority of them cheat. Or cheat if they get the chance. Just one of those things and women go wild for the men in uniform or if they hear tales about it.

@SpinsForGin he didn't know. He woke up around 5am and heard my cackles from next door so then realised where I was. He was worried when he first got home, then fell asleep and just laughed at me when I arrived home at 6am.

She started the thread because he wasn't home 8 hours later than the time he'd indicated, and hadn't texted to let her know.

Nowhere does it say OP demanded a time. He told her when he'd be home then didn't bother to send a 30 second text to tell her plans had changed. That's what the thread is about.

I'd have bloody well locked the door. What's wrong with people, he did this deliberately, he had no intention of going home. There's an article on the news today about the toxic culture in the military especially the sexism. Let's not apologise for them. It's not ok and it needs to change. The OP's husband is just on one end of the scale.

@Platax

How many times do I have to repeat myself, only to be followed by the same question!

NO! I wouldn't expect to know.

@TallulahsCurse, can you explain why not? "We're both adults" doesn't cut it when you have children and one of you is ill. Apart from anything else, if your husband has said he will be back by midnight then at least you have some sort of guideline as to when you might need to think about worrying in case he's been in an accident or taken ill.

I really don't know why you have such a problem with this or what you want me to say that would shut you up asking.

I don't mind, I don't mind what he does when he goes out. I don't mind what he drinks, takes, does, anything and he feels the same about me.

I love him, I trust him not to break my trust in him and I genuinely do not mind what he does with his friends when he goes out, or how long he goes out for.

I don't need or want to know a time, I'm perfectly content to let him go ahead and do whatever, and I have no need to know the ins and outs.

I'm sorry but you obviously disagree with me and that's up to you, but people asking me over and over why why why isn't going to make me feel any different. It's how I feel, sorry if you don't like that but I don't owe you anything , least of all repeatedly being asked to justify why I feel the way I do about what my own husband does!

Also, I've just seen this - so he goes away for courses/meetings and dinner/football and you might not hear from him until next day, honestly the man has loads of chance to see another woman or more than one.

And booking a room at quarters too - honestly I'd be very suspicious all round.

I'd not worry until about 24 hours later.

That is an awful long time to be lying in a ditch having stumbled in drunk, been hit by a car or mugged.

All of which get more possible when out on the lash.

@RedHot22

I’m sorry but I would assume he had spent the night with someone else

Yep, fit this in with forces and 100% this.

@GnomeDePlume

I'd not worry until about 24 hours later.

That is an awful long time to be lying in a ditch having stumbled in drunk, been hit by a car or mugged.

All of which get more possible when out on the lash.

Ok, well that's me and other people don't agree.

People need to let it drop now I'm not going to answer anymore.

@Gonnagetgoing

I'd be mad but sorry to tell you this, I was engaged to a soldier from another country when much younger and have known friends in forces and the vast majority of them cheat. Or cheat if they get the chance. Just one of those things and women go wild for the men in uniform or if they hear tales about it.

BINGO! All Forces men cheat...

Do you have any idea how insulting that is to Forces wives? Most of the men in the Forces I know have very opinion of people cheating on their spouse. They have a big thing about loyalty.

I was in the forces, I have never cheated. My DH has never cheated. My close male military friends haven’t cheated (about 7 of them).

Also an RAF, Navy engineering officer is likely a very different personality to an army infantry man/woman. ‘The forces’ is not one homogenous blob of people! I know people with 1st class degrees from Cambridge in the military who specialise in cyber security. They’re not out drinking and shagging all night.

Your relationship history of independence, and ur updates mean that I think it would have been better to agree he was going out, and staying the night somewhere. He doesn’t go out much, and certainly not big nights out. Your children aren’t tiny. I would have sucked it up for one night, personally.

I totally understand being pissed off with the lack of contact, telling you he was staying out. But best to have just agreed it beforehand. It’s only one night.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves - sorry I'm just telling you what I know from a few people in the forces. and my ex's girlfriend from years later spilled the beans to me too when we were in touch again.

If you're posted abroad a lot then you have plenty of chances to cheat. If you're faithful so be it but a lot of women see the uniform and another accent as catnip.

There's some weird responses on here. If my husband didn't come home from a work night out and hadn't texted - I'd be concerned. And I'd be pissed off if I was ill and had kids to look after.