Let’s Pretend We’re Opening a Restaurant

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Following on from the overrated meals and restaurants thread.

If you had a big budget (and no money worries if it failed!) and were going to open your own cafe/restaurant/pub, what would it be like?

I’ll start. If I was opening a pub, I’d do away with a long pretentious wine menu and month or so I’d source say ten different reds and ten whites at the same cost mark and they’d all be sold at £20 a bottle. Obviously I’d still make a profit on this but the point is you actually get to choose a wine properly and not just go for the ‘house’.

Cheese boards would always be sold individually so you can order them for yourself as a dessert. I don’t like sweet things but I bloody love cheese. I hate it when the cheese board is double the price of all the other puddings because you’re supposed to share it. You could pick and mix the cheese too.

I would do roasts but a very small window of about 3 hours (so just one sitting) so they’re all fresh and no heated up Yorkshire puddings and roasties.

Free gravy refills.

It’s just fantasy so it doesn’t have to be anything that would necessarily make you the most money!

Add yours.

Yes, lovely big proper wooden tables that you can occupy even if there’s only two of you on a first come basis.

I'd open a 'CBA Cafe'. Somewhere you can get the kind of weird, thrown-together nonsense you make yourself at home when you can't be arsed, comfort food. It'd basically just have a very well stocked 'normal' family kitchen, and you could just look at their ingredients list and order exactly what you fancy. Like going round to your mum's house and asking for your comfort food.

For example one of my comfort meals when I really can't be bothered is a fish finger sandwich with peas squished on top, with ketchup. Not beer-battered fish goujons on sourdough with artisan tartar sauce - 2 slices of Warburtons, Birds Eye fish fingers, petit pois, Heinz ketchup, squish together. DH's is a massive bowl of pasta with cubes of cheese, cucumber, tomato (has to be cubes) and some ham, with a bit of salad cream. That kind of thing. You'd get a massive menu with all the cupboard/fridge/freezer ingredients and you would tick which ones and then there'd be a description at the bottom where you could specify exactly what your weird meal was.

It'd have loads of sofas and charging points, and be really comfy and cosy. You can have the food at the table, of course, or on a laptray on the sofa, and tea/coffee would be free, made every 15 minutes or so in rounds - a waiter/waitress would just say "Who wants a brew?" and you could opt in. Stay as long as you want.

It'd never make money, but if there was somewhere like that near me I'd never WFH again, I'd live in there

I love the ‘who wants a brew?’ Idea at regular intervals!! That would be genius.

Carpets table cloths and soft chairs for comfort and to cut down noise. No background music. Bread roll to start like it used to be. Butter in a butter dish not little foil packets.. Plain, round white plates.

Ban those ridiculous chip baskets and jam jars with straws. Think we are all over that now.

Clean toilets, dogs allowed, house dog to pet if you haven't got your own, loads of space between tables. Comfortable chairs. Dairy-free dessert options that aren't full of coconut-based oils. Really good coffee to finish. All ethical.

Decent vegetarian and vegan choices - at least as many vegan / veggie offerings as the meat and fish mains. No sodding goats cheese either or mushroom risotto ... just noticed I am not alone in this hatred ... and YY to PP who mentioned being about to order a large or small portion.

We love going to a family restaurant that brings out a basket of soda bread with butter and jam when they come to take your order, and when you order coffee it comes with tiny little nibbles of sponge cake (cut from a big slab) with a dot of whipped cream and raspberry coulis. I love both of these and think every restaurant should give you soda bread at the start and a wee bite of cake at the end.

@WheelieBinPrincess
100% agree with that it’s really annoying

I totally agree with people's comments about the vegetarian menu not being vegan as well. Also about some veggie meals being banned eg. mushroom risotto!

Similarly fish dishes shouldn't have meat in. As a recent pescatarian I hate seeing chorizo in a seafood dish (a recent experience).

All meals should be available in main and starter size so if you can't make up your mind you can have 2 different starter size dishes for your main course instead of 1 . I did this at the weekend in a Lebanese restaurant as they had loads of veggie starters but only 1 veggie main course.

@WheelieBinPrincess
I mean about vegetarian dishes being replaced with Vegan btw

Oh and plenty of dessert options that don't feature chocolate. I hate the stuff but sometimes there's only a choice of either chocolate-based desserts or a cheese board.

No kids, or loud obnoxious people. Tables that are big enough to fit the food and wine on, without having to play table tetris. No silly sachets of condiments.

Child size portions of everything on the menu so not just stuck with chicken nuggets etc.
An alcoholic slush machine

Salt and pepper mills on every table. Also water in a big jug. Nice glassware. Menu not too long. Salads are substantial enough to fill you up if you aren't being greedy, but still leave room for chips if you are. Dishes described fully so you know what you are getting. Sides are interesting veg, not just 'carrots, boiled'.
I want things to look pretty because looks matter with food. Plates will be hot.
I like the idea about lots of wines of different types all at a similar price. So you pick on taste not cost.
Comfortable chairs!

Would probably be modern European food.

No children or animals.
No banquette seating.
Coat & umbrella racks - I do not want them with me.
Decent lighting, draughtproof, & reasonable temperature - 18C is cold.
Mains generally available in 2 sizes, & served on plates.
Sides are interchangeable.

And that's before I even think about the food.

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@hangsangwitch yep, that’s a really good one. Plates and proper cutlery.[/quote]
Yes! I had a delicious meal fairly recently, in a posh place that does a tasting menu.

The first course was served in a bowl of pot pourri (yes, real pot pourri, not edible).

The bread came in a wire contraption, and the butter was smeared onto a large pebble and placed on the table.

Further courses were served on a breadboard, and in pet-food bowls.

Mind bogglingly unnecessary

All small plates so everyone can order the amount of food they want to eat and not have to choose between different things when you fancy both of them. Not very hungry or just fancy a little something with drinks, get one or two dishes, more hungry or want a conventional style meal, then get three or four.

The menu would be sensibly sized, maybe about 10 different things, at least half vegetarian and everything would be fresh and home made and there would be 'themed' nights so one night it would be tapas, one mezze style, one pizza and pasta, one Indian street food, one Thai, Mexican, maybe noodles and dumplings/dim sum, must also add in African and North/South American too, so there would have to be guest chefs so everyone knows how to make this food well.

Normal selection of alcoholic drinks and no artificial sweeteners in any of the soft drinks.

Lots of posters like the small plates and half sized portions which I didn’t expect.

I would not have a proper menu, it'd be whatever I fancied making, so I guess I'd put it up online maybe so you could see it when you booked and not turn up and moan you didn't like anything on offer.

Also each table would have its own crockery design, proper cruets too.

I also quite fancy just a couple of big tables....we had that once at a B&B and it was interesting to chat to strangers.

I am too disagreeable to deal with the general public on a regular basis though, I reckon I'd go quite Basil Fawlty in the end. no bloody riff raff

I would have a version of the menu available that listed ALL the ingredients in each dish.

Interesting how many of us yearn for a child-free dining experience.

Children will be allowed at my restaurant but the children's menu will basically be smaller portions of the main dishes.

Dogs will not be allowed in the restaurant proper although there a side room for assistance dogs to relax in whilst their owners dine will be provided.

Trouble with small/half plates is that people expect to pay only half the price. That's unreasonable because the actual cost of the food itself is a very small part of the cost of the "whole experience". The cost of heating the food is the same, the cost of the staff is the same, the cost of the plate itself and washing it is the same, the cost of the knife & fork is the same, the overheads (rent, power, etc) are the same. Realistically speaking, you'd be looking at paying £10 for a "half sized" meal that would be £12 if full sized. People will really struggle with that and it would just cause complaints etc.

Locally sourced and seasonal vegetables, meat, dairy, herbs etc. I would build relationships with local growers, farmers, brewers etc. Menus would change according to what was available.

Regular tasting nights where customers pay a modest fixed price and can try small portions of different dishes, drinks etc. In return they give their opinions on the things they have tried.

Only using imported items (eg tea & coffee) if they cant be sourced locally. No imported strawberries in December!

@user1497207191 absolutely. Which is why running a fantasy restaurant is so much more fun than running a real one.