DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

@farfetched you sound totally unhinged! And you clearly have some weird residual feelings about an inheritance that you either missed out on or received at the cost of a sibling ( couldn’t be bothered to read all your ranty posts, so may be wrong about inheritance and you are jst ranty by nature).

You are welcome to your opinions. But OP and others are welcome to theirs too. I dare say OP won’t fall out with mother. I didn’t in a similar situation. But I am glad I told my mother how the unequal distribution would make me feel. She’s still going ahead with it, as is her right (as you say her money etc). But I haven’t given her cart Blanche to do it. I have told her that I will feel as if it means she is less concerned about me than siblings. I also said that anything could happen after she goes.... I could easily lose all my money etc.

But actually it really isn’t about the money. I would prefer to see my mother spend it all while she’s alive. And I d rather have 25p out an evenly distributed pound than millions.

What I really don’t want - for my mom to use her last way of communicating with me to tell me she is more concerned about my siblings future than she is about mine.

Apologies as I haven’t read all the comments because it’s late and I’m about to go to sleep. I totally understand how you feel OP, I would be devastated. As a parent I would never do this because it is really important to me that all my children all get on with each other after my death. It’s probably already been said but please discuss it with your Mum and tell her how you feel. She may have no idea of how upset you are. I did something a bit crass with money a while ago and gave one child more than another for a particular thing. Luckily it was all sorted out, but I realised then how easy it would be to cause a division in the family through making assumptions, obviously what your mother is doing.

Please tell your mum how you feel OP. I completely understand how you feel. I think your mum is being very short sighted

@Foolsrule

All any parent should do is split their assets equally, unless a child has special needs. Anything else is just cruel and bound to leave a trail of destruction and fractured sibling relationships in its wake.

I agree. It’s really nasty to leave someone out of a will. I’d have a talk with your Mother and let her know how you feel.

I also think that it a bit about the money. However well off you are £300k is a lot of money to loose. If it went on cruises or care homes then that would obviously be ok but for it to be given to siblings is awful.

[quote BeardyButton]@farfetched you sound totally unhinged! And you clearly have some weird residual feelings about an inheritance that you either missed out on or received at the cost of a sibling ( couldn’t be bothered to read all your ranty posts, so may be wrong about inheritance and you are jst ranty by nature).

You are welcome to your opinions. But OP and others are welcome to theirs too. I dare say OP won’t fall out with mother. I didn’t in a similar situation. But I am glad I told my mother how the unequal distribution would make me feel. She’s still going ahead with it, as is her right (as you say her money etc). But I haven’t given her cart Blanche to do it. I have told her that I will feel as if it means she is less concerned about me than siblings. I also said that anything could happen after she goes.... I could easily lose all my money etc.

But actually it really isn’t about the money. I would prefer to see my mother spend it all while she’s alive. And I d rather have 25p out an evenly distributed pound than millions.

What I really don’t want - for my mom to use her last way of communicating with me to tell me she is more concerned about my siblings future than she is about mine.[/quote]
Whatever. Like so many other posters on this thread, you seem determined to insist on the idea that love can be measured in £££ and that the OP's dm's decision must be viewed as hurtful (rather than what it actually is = none of the OP's business, as it's her dm's money not hers).

This view is clearly at the root of the OP's unhappiness, yet you persist in it.

I feel sorry for the crap advice the OP has got on this thread.

Op i would be really devastated if this was to happen within my family. We have seen over the years families fall apart because of this type of behaviour and as a result my folks have made a point of telling us more than once that everything is divided equally between the 4 of us. I do think you should say something to your mum and let her know how hurt and let down you feel as a result. The rest will be up to her after that.

@cstaff

Op i would be really devastated if this was to happen within my family. We have seen over the years families fall apart because of this type of behaviour and as a result my folks have made a point of telling us more than once that everything is divided equally between the 4 of us. I do think you should say something to your mum and let her know how hurt and let down you feel as a result. The rest will be up to her after that.

As I said, in my family, my db did force my mum to change her will to make it equal. She was clearly devastated that he behaved like that and none of his other siblings will ever forgive him for it.

Hope the money is worth it, OP.

You stand to ruin your relationship with both your dm and your siblings, and spoil your dm's final years, and all to get your hands on an equal share of some money you don't even need.

Pressure your dm to change her will at your own risk. I think it's a shitty thing to do.

Bit of a volte face from you, farfetched. The reason people have responded so strongly to your comments is because you made some very unpleasant, emotive and entirely baseless accusations about op, as well as minimising her feelings. Feelings that most of us sympathise with. Now, you’re all about being the lone voice of kindness on here while us horrible right-wing (!) money-grubbing posters revel in telling op she isn’t loved.

What absolute nonsense.

@farfetched protests too much. Guess it makes them feel better about their own family's shit behaviour. Touched a nerve, clearly.

@farfetched when did I say love can be measured with money? You are making such leaps....

What is being measured is concern. And it’s not measured by money, but by equality. As I said I d rather have 25p of an evenly distributed pound. That would show equality, which would show my mom was equally concerned with us all.

But “whatever” (that hurt by the way..... )

And her DM made it her business. By TELLING her.

Is your mum a very no nonsense practical sort of person? Maybe in her mind she thinks you don't need the money so it makes more sense to split it between the others who are less well off and to leave you personal sentimental items from her home. I would have a chat with her, she probably hasn't realised how hurt you are because logically you don't need the money. She might be unaware that you are viewing this as a slap in the face.

you seem determined to insist on the idea that love can be measured in £££

It's you that's doing that @farfetched

I agree with other PPs. It's very obvious that you've been triggered by this and are projecting a whole heap of feelings about what happened to you onto the OP. Whatever you might insist to the contrary.

Farfetched, you're just bitter because you brother didn't think it was fair that you were going to be compensated for being poorer. That was not your mother's responsibility to fix. And it has nothing to do with the OP's situation because none of her siblings are the "poor" sibling. Her unequal divide is not based on need.

I think maybe she is trying to make your worse off siblings more comfortable for when eventually she's not around anymore? I mean either way at least you will get something of hers. Surely you should just be enjoying the time with her now instead of thinking of any financial gain?

But don't get me wrong OP I can see why you'd be upset!

I agree with you OP. A will is about what the deceased thinks of those who are left, it’s really mean not to divide equally amongst siblings.

Plus has your mother considered your circumstances may change? What would happen if you or one of your kids had a serious illness in the future and you could never work again, financially you’d be screwed. Assuming you are married what if that broke up and your financial circumstances changed? What if your brothers won lotto in a syndicate they created and left you out of? Is there an element of sexism giving money to them and not you?

It’s very mean and I would not be able to think the same of my mother after her death if that happened in our family.

[quote Skiptheheartsandflowers]@farfetched protests too much. Guess it makes them feel better about their own family's shit behaviour. Touched a nerve, clearly.[/quote]
Well spotted, Sherlock.

It's because of my brother's shit behaviour and the huge repercussions that had on my family, that I am urging the OP not to behave like that.

People who haven't been in this position have no idea what it's like to have a sibling who puts their 'right' to an equal share to an inheritance above everything else.

You are only hearing the OP's view here. As someone who experienced an almost identical situation, I can tell you what the OP's situation felt like to the other parties - the other siblings and the dm.

We don't get to hear their views on this thread. I doubt they think the OP is justified in pressuring their DM to change their will. Particularly given the OP had admitted they don't actually need the money.

@BadNomad

Farfetched, you're just bitter because you brother didn't think it was fair that you were going to be compensated for being poorer. That was not your mother's responsibility to fix. And it has nothing to do with the OP's situation because none of her siblings are the "poor" sibling. Her unequal divide is not based on need.

No-one is suggesting it is any parent's responsibility to fix.

However, equally, it is the parent's money not the child's. And if the parent wants to spend it on child x not child y, or on cocaine and hookers, frankly, that's their call. Not anyone else's.

No child has a right to DEMAND money be given to them in inheritance. How is this not obvious?

It's because of my brother's shit behaviour and the huge repercussions that had on my family, that I am urging the OP not to behave like that.

The OP comes across as a decent person with absolutely no hint in her posts that she would ever behave like your brother. But good of you to admit that you're projecting your own brother's behaviour onto her. Perhaps actually read what she's saying instead of doing this massive projection. Particularly the part where you're accusing her of equating love with money, which it's plain to those of us without issues she isn't doing.

No child has a right to DEMAND money be given to them in inheritance. How is this not obvious?

The OP is not demanding money in inheritance. You need therapy to sort out your bitterness towards your brother. This thread isn't it.

Maybe the way she is looking at it is that she wants her children to end up with relatively equal outcomes in life.

You say you are all comfortable in life, but then also say your household income is about four times that of your siblings. So okay, all of you are comfortable, but there is no getting around the fact that you are rather a lot more comfortable than your siblings.

Do you think that your relatively higher standard of living is more deserved than your siblings? Like, do you think you simply made smarter choices, worked harder, to achieve your greater income, so you deserve to be even more comfortable? Or do you think that there was a fair degree of good luck involved in your relatively more comfortable position.

Maybe your mum looks at it all and thinks, okay Wisfor is better off, but really, that's just been the luck of the draw. Here's my chance to even the odds for the rest of my kids. Because I love them all equally and want them all to be equally comfortable.

[quote BeardyButton]@farfetched when did I say love can be measured with money? You are making such leaps....

What is being measured is concern. And it’s not measured by money, but by equality. As I said I d rather have 25p of an evenly distributed pound. That would show equality, which would show my mom was equally concerned with us all.

But “whatever” (that hurt by the way..... )[/quote]
Why do you need equal amounts of material objects to feel loved? I find that genuinely mystifying.

Do you always count the cost of your children's gifts and ensure you are spending exactly equal amounts on them? Or do you instead try to get your dcs presents they'll like that are personal to each of them? Would you think it reasonable if one of your dcs came to you and said they were deeply hurt and you clearly didn't love them, as their Xmas present cost less than their sibling's did?

I just find this insistence on precise equality as measured in £££ - and only in £££ - absolutely bizarre.

However, equally, it is the parent's money not the child's. And if the parent wants to spend it on child x not child y, or on cocaine and hookers, frankly, that's their call. Not anyone else's.

Of course. And when the parent does that it is up to everyone else to deduce

Parent likes cocaine the best
Parent likes hookers the best
Parent like Child X - not me - the best

simple isn't it. You make your choices - people know what you are saying by it.

If you are saying "I value child A over Child B" then no one can object if Child B thinks you are a piece of shit and not a good parent to them- right?

Why do you need equal amounts of material objects to feel loved? I find that genuinely mystifying.

Do you really? have you siblings? would you be perfectly happy for your parents to leave everything to your siblings and nothing to you. Because they love you anyway? And you'd be perfectly happy knowing they loved you equally but left all material possessions and money to your siblings because you know material objects don't matter and they loved you even though they left everything to your siblings and nothing to you.

FFS