DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

Ahhh op this is really sad to read and I can only imagine how strangely upsetting this must be for you! I imagine it's not upset over the material/finical loss but the feelings towards being cut out. Have you spoke to your sun kings about this? Could they speak to our mum?
Sending love XX

I wouldn't be bothered at all,if this happened to me.. I would accept the views and choices of the will maker entirely.

And you'd be perfectly happy knowing they loved you equally but left all material possessions and money to your siblings because you know material objects don't matter and they loved you even though they left everything to your siblings and nothing to you.

Technically this is not the situation. The mother has said she will leave her belongings to the OP, but will divide the cash assets between the other three children because the OP has a more comfortable lifestyle when compared to her siblings.

[quote Wisforwater]@myheartskippedabeat 2 might, 1 DB definitely won't.

@Retrievemysanity I just cried. It came on the back of something at work today that also made me feel totally undervalued, so the timing wasn't great, but that wasn't DM's fault.

@Viviennemary I'm not disputing that, but I can't help feel less valued as a result.[/quote]
Since you are 4 times wealthier than your siblings, reframe this: your value is beyond money so no inheritance can define that.

I see why you are hurt but I also see why your mum did this. May be her framing was poor but without any background, I don't think she meant to hurt you. In fact she was probably finding it hard hence her poor wording but is trying to spare you the shock. Am sorry op but do reframe this. Don't let it define the memories of your mum

@november90

Ahhh op this is really sad to read and I can only imagine how strangely upsetting this must be for you! I imagine it's not upset over the material/finical loss but the feelings towards being cut out. Have you spoke to your sun kings about this? Could they speak to our mum? Sending love XX

I love that autocorrect (I assume) reframed the siblings as sun kings. I wonder if they are lol

I think that is going to happen to me/my siblings. The youngest is single, and has a lot of issues with some mental health stuff. I think she’ll be left it all, because she “needs it” and the rest of Zeus are all partnered and stable. We all have mental health issues that we’ve sorted out on our own, it doesn’t feel fair at all that just because she hasn’t, we miss out yet again.

However, I do see the logical argument that the money would be more life changing for her than anyone else. She is the only one who hasn’t been able to buy a home for example. The logic and the feeling are very different though, I understand how you feel.

She really does need to know how it hurts to feel you and your dc feel like they are being penalised for having a close relationship with her and why those that see her less deserve her assets more? Really doesn’t seem logical. Perhaps help her to see how even a smaller % could support dc with uni costs etc that spiral and how it would feel fairer if all grandchildren had that opportunity? Really feel for you op

Us not Zeus, gah.

@farfetched I don't know why you keep mentioning what happened in your family as I would argue it's not the norm.

I honestly wonder how some people brains work when a poster says "I feel hurt after finding out I've been excluded from inheritance" & the responses are "don't be grabby", "it's none of your business". 😆 it's batshit

I can understand why you are hurt, but I expect in her mind it comes down to the simple fact that you are vastly better off than your siblings and simply don´t need her money whereas they potentially do.

The more you do for people,the more they expect
Kindness is often taken for weakness ,the more you give the more they take .
That’s a huge slap in the face there from your mother
I’d be moving
Let her pay for her own care ,or get her sons to provide it
Don’t be a doormat and say you don’t mind ,you will still care for her .
I think she’s recreating history,I think she probably was very hurt at being cut out the will when she was younger ,so she’s doing the same to you .
She can’t think of doing things any other way .
I wouldn’t stick around in that situation
I’d be off ,move elsewhere

What strikes me about this is that your dm equates time/attention with money. You/your dc have more of her time and attention so your siblings get her money (i.e. the monetary equivalent of her time and attention) when she is gone.
Has there been any problems in the past between you & your siblings around attention given to you / your dc? Do they or your dm see the attention sharing as not equal and it is her way of “making it up” to them? Does your dm feel guilty at not spending enough time with them because you /your dc needed her more - or because she just prefers your company to them - and again this is her way of making things fair?
I think your dm may be concious that she hasn’t evenly given her time & attention to her dc / dgc and is now trying to make up for that - I can understand why you would be hurt as it feels like you have been cut out and are undervalued.
Maybe try to discuss this with your dm in an understanding way, listen to her reasons first and then explain how it makes you feel.
I think actually I would have preferred love & attention from my dm to her money if I’d had the choice (I didn’t receive much of either!)

I'm not sure if this has been said but I think she's leaving you the house contents recurrent because she loves you and feels closest to you. This is where the memories are, also things which can be handed down to your children (furniture, jewellery etc). Hopefully there are some things if monetary value there but I would think most of it would be sentimental value which is why she's children it for you. If she divided the house 4 eats, she'd need to do the same with the contents.

Not saying it makes the overall better as I would be gutted too, but possible a different angle.

@Myfriend

I’m baffled by those who think this should mean OP won’t want to help her mother in old age. No matter what my parents decide I owe them so much for the stability and goodness they’ve shown me all my life , and we’ve had a similar wobble of decisions causing a feeling of emotional rejection but they are free to do what they decide and I would never love them less after all they’ve done and given me. I’m glad OP the same and do feel for her though as her mum should have sought to check she understands her reasons and still feels as loved

What a lovely post 🥰

spelling corrections I'm not sure if this has been said but I think she's leaving you the house contents precisely because she loves you and feels closest to you. This is where the memories are, also things which can be handed down to your children (furniture, jewellery etc). Hopefully there are some things of monetary value there but I would think most of it would be sentimental value which is why she's chosen it for you. If she divided the house 4 ways, she'd need to do the same with the contents.

Not saying it makes the overall much better as I would be gutted too, but possible a different angle on why she's gone down this route. It would also be hard to say this outright to you but she may be hoping you'd 'get it' without it being said.

@Summersnake

The more you do for people,the more they expect Kindness is often taken for weakness ,the more you give the more they take . That’s a huge slap in the face there from your mother I’d be moving Let her pay for her own care ,or get her sons to provide it Don’t be a doormat and say you don’t mind ,you will still care for her . I think she’s recreating history,I think she probably was very hurt at being cut out the will when she was younger ,so she’s doing the same to you . She can’t think of doing things any other way . I wouldn’t stick around in that situation I’d be off ,move elsewhere

Well you sound nice.

Yes, if you don't get your £££ you'll bugger off and leave your elderly mother high and dry.

Demand 'love' but only care about the money.

I would be hurt too OP. Completely natural to feel that way, it seems unfair to me. Your financial status would not influence my will, if you were one of my children the will would be split equally among my surviving children, should one of my children not survive me their share would be distributed between their off spring. So sorry this decision has upset you, could you speak to your mum about it?

This happened to my DM my GP were comparatively well off so inheritance would have made a huge difference. It caused a rift DM went NC and my family as I knew it disappeared from my life overnight. My cousins all inherited a fair sum as well myself and DB were given nothing. Although I try to remember nice things about my GP it has left me feeling unworthy and unloved by them I have nothing really of theirs not even photos, it really hurts. So I hear you OP and I would suggest you talk to your DM tell her how you feel because my DM didn’t do that and we to this day just don’t know why.

How do your brothers feel about you getting all the goods and therefore everything sentimental?

Gosh. What a lot of overnight activity. I was going to show the thread to my mum, but I think she’d get a bit lost by the derailment.

At no point have I said I don’t feel loved. I said her action make me not feel valued.

@CheekyHobson Do you think that your relatively higher standard of living is more deserved than your siblings?

We’ve all worked really hard (although there is always luck in life too). As I direct comparison of siblings we all earn similarly. We’ve made different life choices or been affected by circumstance. One has no dc and isn’t planning to have any, the other 2 have partners who have been SAHMs and have more children than us. My DH is a high earner, I’ve always worked and we have the least children. All of these are factors in our comfort v theirs.

So you claim to love your mum but not getting your hands on what's hers when she's dead is upsetting you.

What a horrible attitude. It's not yours anyway, she can leave it to a cats home if she wants. Great for your mum for recognizing your siblings need more help than you do or would you rather they go without so you can have more of something you don't need.

The woman's not even dead. Stop being so self centered.

I would just leave it. I wouldn't want to change her mind if she is already set on what she thinks is correct. It clearly isn't. But what can you do?

My dear nanny passed away last winter and wanted her money to be split between her children and grandchildren equally. One of her children took the whole lot and split it 3 ways between herself, and two of my cousins. Now they are all living it large and having a good old time and everyone has pretty much gone mad about it. I dont understand how it all happened though. I said to my Dh is there anyway we can do something about that as nanny wishes were for us all to have a share equally, but they have already blew the money and having a great time so not sure what we can do now as they have bought new homes and so on.

I'd be gutted if my mother cut me out of the will and said it was because you're ok financially. It doesnt matter if you're ok finance wise. Anything can happen in the future and perhaps it would be a good amount of money to invest in your childrens future. It definitely does feel like making you different to your siblings.
I wouldnt bother trying to resolve it. I would leave it and just crack on with your own life. It's also your choice if you want to have anything of sentimental value from the home. Either to keep or sell on etc.
Wish you all the best.

Do you really? have you siblings? would you be perfectly happy for your parents to leave everything to your siblings and nothing to you. Because they love you anyway? And you'd be perfectly happy knowing they loved you equally but left all material possessions and money to your siblings because you know material objects don't matter and they loved you even though they left everything to your siblings and nothing to you.

I find it really strange to be baffled about this. This is exactly the situation with our assets when we die and our kids are perfectly happy with it and in fact the one getting nothing is the main instigator of the proposed split between them all. I thank goodness our kids don’t put a $$ value on our love like that!

We have a range from one who has astronomical earning potential (went onto 6 figures straight out of uni), through to being on disability and maybe getting some sporadic pin money here and there. They all love each other, they want to see that all of their needs are covered, not some feathering a needless nest at the expense of another without a roof over their head or decent basic lifestyle. The one ‘organising’ it does algorithms etc to come up with anticipated figures for each one and sure things could always change for them but they all trust each other to have their best interests at heart. They would honestly think an equal split all round to be pure madness.

I’ll also add the one going without has also encouraged the passing over of some inheritance early to some of the others to tack onto their own investments to grow them some money quicker to enable them to have a better independent lifestyle/get into housing quicker etc rather than waiting until we shuffle off. There is no crap about x and y got such and such when mum and dad were alive and so now I and s should get more at the end. Again, all of them appreciate this sensible approach and that it is completely independent and not reflective of our love for them.

So you claim to love your mum but not getting your hands on what's hers when she's dead is upsetting you.

Are you on the correct thread?

This thread has been taken over by all the posts to and from a single poster who isn't the OP.

OP I would be upset too, especially by the rationale that your children spending time with her has been given a financial value, when you thought they were just spending time with her. I'd be tempted to pull back a little bit in the short term - partly because I'd want to make a point, but mainly because I'd be uncomfortable now that she's not doing it entirely willingly if she's ascribing some kind of financial value to it. It's uncomfortable.

Ultimately you are going to have to speak to her about it. If not the problem isn't going to go away, because when she one day sadly dies, you'll firstly be very upset. But additionally, it's possible that you'll have just spent an extended period of time dealing with messy bodily functions, heart wrenching decisions about her care etc. while siblings are doing none of it. And then the will will come back into focus - and you won't be able to let her know how you feel.

Maybe worth thinking that you are not bringing this subject up cold, he has brought the issue up and you are responding to her. It'll be a tough conversation I imagine, but if you'll close and she's really nice, she will hear you out.

Finally, if no thing changes, then you don't need to clean the house out. You can take out anything that has a meaning for you and leave the rest of the contents for those inheriting the property. There's no reason at all for you to have to assume the house clearance role at all.