DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

[quote Paravia]@farfetched - you are getting more vehement in your condemnation of the op, but you haven’t addressed the points that have been made on here repeatedly: primarily, that circumstances change so allocating on need is risky (unless you’re talking about provision for something like lifetime care) and that it’s about being equal rather than an amount. Speaking for myself here, but I know I’d be happier and feel more valued sharing £100 equally with my brother than getting £1m and seeing him get £10m.

I also find it interesting that you mention your great grandmother twice now - I would have no idea at all about inheritances going back so far. Obviously what your great grandmother did made an impression, despite what you say about everyone being perfectly happy about it.[/quote]
No, it was never mentioned and we only found out about it because of doing some family history very recently. I mentioned it here because it's relevant. It's not something that really bothers me either way - I never knew this grandma but assume she had her reasons for whatever she did and there you go. Her business and no-one else's.

Instead of us all being on an equal plane, I'm now the one that is going to be treated differently, it kind of sends a strange underlying message to my brothers about me.

Yes, I think that's a good stance to take. She's shaking the foundations of the relationship between her children. Does she really want to cause a rift, or have your brothers all think you're less than them in her mind and heart?

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I don’t think that the OP thinks money = love at all.

I agree that sometimes one child may ‘need’ a larger share but I’m not sure that is a right or loving thing to do.

It isn’t about the money. It is about feeling valued.

If money doesn't = love, then why does the OP measure 'feeling valued' in £££?

This hasn't yet been explained.

Surely she feels valued because her dm chooses to spend time with her and her dcs, because she's been a great and loving mum etc. over a lifetime. Why is that not enough?

I was left nothing, despite being vastly worse off than my siblings and a single parent. And barely gave it a second thought. What's the point? It's your parent's money, not yours, and staying on good terms with siblings is too important to jeopardise (at least for the sake of your children).
Your mother didn't communicate her decision well, and muddied the water by talking about the time she has spent with your children.
You are clearly far better off than your siblings, and will over a few years "make up" the money you haven't inherited just by way of your normal income. I totally understand where your mother is coming from. In her place, as you are all well off, I would probably have left a good chunk of the money to charity. She's decided to give some financial support to her children who arguably need it. You clearly don't need it. You really don't need to take it so personally. Enjoy your mother's company and her relationship with your DCs while she's still alive and healthy. You say she's been a great mother - well be grateful for that and respect her entirely logical decision.

@farfetched well, you really can’t claim to know how people felt about it under those circumstances, can you!

As I mentioned further up, we all grasp the concept that nobody is entitled to inheritance or can dictate how it is split. But it is the effect of the unevenness here that has quite understandably upset op. The amount could be £1000, £10,000 or £1m -the value of the money is not what anyone is interested in. So why do you insist on focusing on entitlement and the money, when op and the vast majority of posters are clearly talking about the principle of sharing among siblings equally? Simply saying people can do what they want with their money doesn’t answer anything.

As you do feel really hurt, I think you should tell her that, maybe she didn't realse you would be by some logic of her own. Especially as it's a given that you will be the one looking after her in older age and you've even relocated for that.

@Papierfroisse

I was left nothing, despite being vastly worse off than my siblings and a single parent. And barely gave it a second thought. What's the point? It's your parent's money, not yours, and staying on good terms with siblings is too important to jeopardise (at least for the sake of your children). Your mother didn't communicate her decision well, and muddied the water by talking about the time she has spent with your children. You are clearly far better off than your siblings, and will over a few years "make up" the money you haven't inherited just by way of your normal income. I totally understand where your mother is coming from. In her place, as you are all well off, I would probably have left a good chunk of the money to charity. She's decided to give some financial support to her children who arguably need it. You clearly don't need it. You really don't need to take it so personally. Enjoy your mother's company and her relationship with your DCs while she's still alive and healthy. You say she's been a great mother - well be grateful for that and respect her entirely logical decision.

Amen to that.

You're lucky that your lovely, wonderful dm is still alive, OP. When she's gone, a bucketful of cash won't make up for that.

Enjoy that precious time with your lovely dm while she's still here, OP, and don't let the greedy barstewards on this thread drive a rift between you and your loving, caring dm in her final years.

@farfetched I think you are becoming weirdly fixated on this and projecting. You have made your point, at least 15 times. Many people have different viewpoints to you, yet you continue like a dog with a bone.

We get it - you had a different family dynamic where inheritance was unevenly split. Apparently all were fine with it.

Please can you allow the OP to process her very different feelings about her situation without you trying to invalidate them?

Surely she feels valued because her dm chooses to spend time with her and her dcs, because she's been a great and loving mum etc. over a lifetime. Why is that not enough?

Presumably op's siblings also benefitted from the "great and loving mum" stuff. If they all received the same love, opportunities and attention whilst growing up what makes one child more deserving of this post death support than another. Because that's what inheritance is. The reason I work hard and save and have insurance etc is an extension of my love towards my children. If I can't be here to provide the day to day support and protection my children may need then the only thing I CAN do is leave them with a financial cushion but more importantly the knowledge that I wished that for them. That I wished upon reflection of my death for nothing more than their safety and security.

I'm not surprised you're upset. What your mother should bear in mind is that people's circumstances can change - death of a partner, serious illness, redundancy, and many other catastrophes can drastically reduce people's income and assets. And it can go the other way too - one of your siblings could win the bloody lottery.

This needs pointing out to your mother, along with the emotional damage of her decision.

[quote Paravia]@farfetched well, you really can’t claim to know how people felt about it under those circumstances, can you!

As I mentioned further up, we all grasp the concept that nobody is entitled to inheritance or can dictate how it is split. But it is the effect of the unevenness here that has quite understandably upset op. The amount could be £1000, £10,000 or £1m -the value of the money is not what anyone is interested in. So why do you insist on focusing on entitlement and the money, when op and the vast majority of posters are clearly talking about the principle of sharing among siblings equally? Simply saying people can do what they want with their money doesn’t answer anything.[/quote]
The principle of dividing the money 'equally' is predicated on the assumption that the money belongs to the children. Well, she's not dead yet.

She can spend her money how she likes.

I assume you were the kind of child who costed every present you and your siblings ever received and wailed hideously if your siblings' presents cost a pound more than yours did.

I feel sorry for you.

No, actually I kind of despise the kind of person like you who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

If others were hard up, then totally understandable, but if all siblings are wel loff, then I agree, not fair.
If OP was getting a smaller share of the estate (like half of what the others were getting), that would be fair enough.

But atually it sounds to me she feels guilty in front of then for prioritising you by spending most of her time with you and your DC, so it's probably by way of compensation, not to do with undervaluing you - but she has not thought of your feelings.

@farfetched You're triggered. Get a grip and stop being so bloody horrible.

[quote NigellaAwesome]@farfetched I think you are becoming weirdly fixated on this and projecting. You have made your point, at least 15 times. Many people have different viewpoints to you, yet you continue like a dog with a bone.

We get it - you had a different family dynamic where inheritance was unevenly split. Apparently all were fine with it.

Please can you allow the OP to process her very different feelings about her situation without you trying to invalidate them?[/quote]
I am trying - unlike you - to make the OP feel better by explaining how people have different views of splitting inheritance and that there is zero evidence that her mother doesn't love her.

I fail to see how you insisting that clearly her mother doesn't love her is supposed to make the OP feel any better!

[quote Phobiaphobic]@farfetched You're triggered. Get a grip and stop being so bloody horrible.[/quote]
The ones who are being horrible are the ones validating the OP's evidence-free worries that she is unloved.

I don't see any signs of that.

Fine, I shall wrote the post that all the mercenary bullies nice people on this thread insist I should write.

OP - clearly your dm never loved you and much prefers your siblings. Despite coming across as a wonderful, loving mother, this was all a hollow act, as clearly she preferred your siblings all along.

The best thing for you to do at this point is have a huge row with your dm over how she divides her inheritance, as that will clearly improve your relationship and bring joy to her final years, and fill you full of happy memories to treasure when she is gone.

Sure this approach will also improve your relationship with your siblings.

Neither your dm nor your siblings will think you are a mercenary cow after all this.

This approach can't fail! Loads of people on this thread have said it, SO IT MUST BE TRUE.

(Think you - and they - are beyond help, OP. Enjoy the cash.)

I see several points here that you really need to address.
Mum re your will, I don’t understand why you would do this for several reasons, one being you still resent your parents uneven will 30 years later but are somehow happy to then do similar.
The biggest point is that you seem to have equated time with money. I’ve never thought that way now suddenly you say you’ve counted the time you’ve spent with them and me as an outgoing, and are going to debit it from my account in your will. I thought we were here because we enjoyed spending time together, now I feel differently. Similarly, I’ve always assumed I will be the one helping you, and very sadly will have to sort out your things etc a long way down the track. Am I also supposed to account for that time I’ve spent that my brothers haven’t? Or is this accounting thinking only one way where yo ur time and energy is valuable and mine is just taken for granted? I’m really hurt by all of this to be honest, it doesn’t feel like how I thought our relationship was.

farfetched

Love is clearly enough for OP. To me it reads as though she is hurt and confused as to why this decision was made. She isn’t demanding that she be reinstated. So not grabby at all. And is happy to care for her mum because she loves her. Like you did for your mum. I think it is deeply unfair to call her reaction grabby and grasping. Despite you saying it was to make her feel better.

You say love was enough for you.

And yet you are saying it is a shame that your mum’s wishes weren’t honoured because you needed it more and you would have got the house if they had been honoured.

I’m sorry your mum’s wishes were not honoured. She clearly felt that you needed it more. But your brother must have felt it was unfair.

Did your other siblings feel the same given that the money was divided by four instead of one part to your eldest brother and the rest to you?

Would you have been ok if your mum had decided to leave the house to your brother? In your heart of hearts would you have thought it fair?

I just don’t think it is fair to treat siblings differently.

Difference of opinion is fine. But you have made unfair assumptions about the OP.

@farfetched. You don't have to see those signs. You just have to accept that OP does. Belittling, and "despising" op and other posters serves no one.

I’ve never been despised before on mn - that’s a first.

I’ve never said the op is unloved, so please don’t put words in my mouth. I’m saying that it is normal and natural to feel upset by this. Look, if you give one child £5 and another £50 you have literally assigned a value to them. There isn’t really a way around that, as much as you may insist money has nothing to do with love. And yes, a parent can do whatever they like - but it raises a huge ‘why?’

And as for your last post farfetched

No one insisted you write such a nasty post.

That is all on you.

@farfetched

I fail to see how you insisting that clearly her mother doesn't love her is supposed to make the OP feel any better!

Stop making stuff up. I haven't posted on this thread other than my post pointing out that you are fixated on this.

You are being very tenacious for an apparent newcomer to MN. Perhaps rather than trying to push your narrative of your dysfunctional family dynamic on to the OP, you might want to reflect that she is hurt and confused by her Mum's disclosure to her.

Stop making the thread about you.

The OP's mother isn't basing it on need though. None of them "need" the money. The DM either thinks she needs to compensate the other's for not getting as much of her precious time as the OP gets. Or she's charging the OP for her time by deducting it from an equal share. It's the DM who is putting a monetary on love.

@Paravia

I’ve never been despised before on mn - that’s a first.

I’ve never said the op is unloved, so please don’t put words in my mouth. I’m saying that it is normal and natural to feel upset by this. Look, if you give one child £5 and another £50 you have literally assigned a value to them. There isn’t really a way around that, as much as you may insist money has nothing to do with love. And yes, a parent can do whatever they like - but it raises a huge ‘why?’

You haven't 'literally assigned a value to them', you've literally just given them some money.

Why is this difficult to understand???

Money does not = love. It just = money.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is political (with a small p). I am left wing. I believe in 'to each according to his need, from each according to his ability'.

That presumes an assumption of difference; that neither need nor ability will be the same.

I have never tried to treat my dcs identically, as they're different people. Nor was I brought up to expect to be treated identically to my siblings. Because we were all completely different. We wanted/needed different things.

Look, if the OP is determined to believe her dm doesn't love her, with the encouragement of so many on this thread, than far be it from me to disabuse her of that happy notion.

Or something something. I don't get it.

[quote NigellaAwesome]@farfetched

I fail to see how you insisting that clearly her mother doesn't love her is supposed to make the OP feel any better!

Stop making stuff up. I haven't posted on this thread other than my post pointing out that you are fixated on this.

You are being very tenacious for an apparent newcomer to MN. Perhaps rather than trying to push your narrative of your dysfunctional family dynamic on to the OP, you might want to reflect that she is hurt and confused by her Mum's disclosure to her.

Stop making the thread about you.[/quote]
Newcomer to MN?

18 years this year.

I don't think so.