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Original poster

DM has cut me out of her will

425 replies

Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:02

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

OP posts:
farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:35

[quote Puppalicious]@farfetched you seem interested enough in your mothers money that you’ve posted here. Perhaps your brother didn’t attend his mothers funeral because she made it so clear she favoured you. Parents should treat their children equally.[/quote]
Why should they treat their children equally?

Children aren't equal. In my family I needed the money and my db did not. Plus I spent years looking after her when my db couldn't even be bothered to call much less visit.

Why should older women not be allowed to leave their money to who they wish??

Kikkomam · 16/11/2021 23:36

The OP just seems really horribly grasping and greedy to me

When you are in a hole...

lkgetuo · 16/11/2021 23:37

OP your post reminded me of a situation with my own mum as a teenager. She used to have to pick me up from a class every week, and every single day she used to be late. I mean REALLY late. Not because she was busy but because she couldn't be arsed and would leave me standing there for ages after everyone went home and the place was empty. This was over a couple of years. She did the same to my sister ONCE and my sister gave her such hell that she never did it again. Whereas I was resigned to that behaviour and didn't say anything. I was so tired that I'd sit in the car silent feeling thankful she didn't leave me there any longer. I heard later that my mum thought I was lovely and understanding about her lateness, unlike my rude sister. That hurt me more than anything else. I was "lovely and understanding" and she punished me for it. My sister, who screamed at her, was rewarded by it never happening again.

My point is, don't take shit from anyone. Even close family. Nothing good comes from being a martyr

Kikkomam · 16/11/2021 23:38

"Why should older women not be allowed to leave their money to who they wish??"

Because they are still parents, with a responsibility for their dcs well being. I wouldn't dream of judging my dcs and deciding what each one was worth financially. Its a really weird and unpleasant thing to do.

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:39

@Kikkomam

The OP just seems really horribly grasping and greedy to me

When you are in a hole...

Someone has a different view to you shocker.
Original poster
Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 23:40

@SouthsideSally - she's largely been a single parent (bereavement) and she really has done the job of 2 parents. She's always been there for us, loves us unconditionally, been a rock. She's always been pretty fair too....until this.

OP posts:
Paravia · 16/11/2021 23:41

‘It’s her money, so she can do what she wants with it’ is such a facile statement. I don’t think anyone is disputing that very obvious fact. It’s about how the particular course of action she has chosen makes op feel.

I mean, op’s mother is entitled to leave everything to a neighbour she’s never spoken to and taunt op about how she isn’t getting anything, but I think we can agree that would be the sort of behaviour that would justify going nc.

Pointless statement of the bleeding obvious.

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:44

@Kikkomam

"Why should older women not be allowed to leave their money to who they wish??"

Because they are still parents, with a responsibility for their dcs well being. I wouldn't dream of judging my dcs and deciding what each one was worth financially. Its a really weird and unpleasant thing to do.

Why? It's just money.

Some people need it more than others.

As I said up thread, my df's Grandma had 3 dcs, none of them well off, and chose to leave her money to only one of them. None of the others ever referred to it or loved her any less - she was always spoken of affectionately.

I find it weird this idea that inheritance must be exactly equal. Also the idea that children should get to dictate what they inherit.

If you don't like it, tough. IT'S THEIR MONEY. NOT YOURS. THE OP'S DM IS STILL ALIVE.

You make her sound like a savings scheme, not a person with an independent will and a right to exercise it. Hmm

Anordinarymum · 16/11/2021 23:44

I think all you can do is to tell her how you feel and then leave it at that. It's mean and unfair.

I have a very wealthy relation who once told me they were leaving me the lot. I said I did not expect them to do this. This was around ten years ago.
Now I find my brother has been busy grooming this person and has said things about me and I am no longer a beneficiary.
I have come to terms with this and quite honestly do not care - if this is what people are like, then so be it.

SouthsideSally · 16/11/2021 23:45

@Wisforwater, and how is her relationships with your siblings? Is she well physically and mentally?

HarrisonStickle · 16/11/2021 23:47

@farfetched

What a shame you are blind to the fact that it isn't about the money. I pity you if that's all you see.

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:51

[quote HarrisonStickle]@farfetched

What a shame you are blind to the fact that it isn't about the money. I pity you if that's all you see.[/quote]
Well, way to go for misinterpreting everything I wrote.

Clearly to the OP, money = love.

That is the opposite of my view.

I pity anyone who can't feel loved without a price tag attached.

Unreasonabubble · 16/11/2021 23:51

@farfetched As I said up thread, my df's Grandma had 3 dcs, none of them well off, and chose to leave her money to only one of them. None of the others ever referred to it or loved her any less - she was always spoken of affectionately.

Ha! Ha! HA! Who led you to believe that crap? Affectionately? Yeah right? You have given me such a laugh tonight, thank you! 🤣🤣🤣

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:53

Anyone who pressures their dps to leave them money against their wishes needs to seriously consider if they're the good guys in this exchange, really. Hmm

Unreasonabubble · 16/11/2021 23:54

@farfetched it has NEVER been about the money, it has been about @Wisforwater interpretation that all, apart from you, seem to be able to understand.

Pallisers · 16/11/2021 23:54

Why should older women not be allowed to leave their money to who they wish??

Of course they are allowed. Who do you think is not allowing them?

But in a situation like the OP then her mother should understand the consequences of her decision - which is her beloved daughter is feeling unvalued and even unloved.

People can do what they want. But what they do has consequences. if my mother had told me all she had was going to my sister and not me ... well I'd have drawn the conclusion that I was not as important to her as my sister. It is fairly obvious.

OP can draw similar conclusions from her mother's communications.

All the you are grabby/greedy/she can do what she wants posters that inevitably show up on these thread seem to have absolutely no understanding of how longstanding deep feeling family relationships work. I think they say "grabby grabby" because that is how their relationships go - but for most people it is about valuing and loving.

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:56

[quote Unreasonabubble]**@farfetched* As I said up thread, my df's Grandma had 3 dcs, none of them well off, and chose to leave her money to only one of them. None of the others ever referred to it or loved her any less - she was always spoken of affectionately.*

Ha! Ha! HA! Who led you to believe that crap? Affectionately? Yeah right? You have given me such a laugh tonight, thank you! 🤣🤣🤣[/quote]
Sorry you grew up in such a horrible family.

My df was one of those who didn't inherit from that Grandma. Yes, he loved her very much and we were only ever brought up to hear nice things about her. I only found out about the will thing since he died - he wouldn't have dreamt of mentioning it.

Frankly, anyone in my family who behaved as though they had a right to a share in an inheritance would have been regarded as really weirdly grasping and probably not quite right in the head.

orangechairs · 16/11/2021 23:57

"You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't*"
*
This is Weak. OP said her household income is 4 times her siblings. So it could be £60k compared to £15k for example. Not exactly megabucks and definitely no reason to be excluded from possibly circa £150k inheritance.

Other factors at play here - divorce, health and redundancy could change financial status very quickly.

IMO inheritance should be equal (ish).

Paravia · 16/11/2021 23:57

@farfetched - you are getting more vehement in your condemnation of the op, but you haven’t addressed the points that have been made on here repeatedly: primarily, that circumstances change so allocating on need is risky (unless you’re talking about provision for something like lifetime care) and that it’s about being equal rather than an amount. Speaking for myself here, but I know I’d be happier and feel more valued sharing £100 equally with my brother than getting £1m and seeing him get £10m.

I also find it interesting that you mention your great grandmother twice now - I would have no idea at all about inheritances going back so far. Obviously what your great grandmother did made an impression, despite what you say about everyone being perfectly happy about it.

farfetched · 16/11/2021 23:58

[quote Unreasonabubble]**@farfetched* it has NEVER been about the money, it has been about @Wisforwater* interpretation that all, apart from you, seem to be able to understand.[/quote]
Apart from all the other posters who made exactly the same point as me. Hmm

Kikkomam · 16/11/2021 23:58

Frankly, anyone in my family who behaved as though they had a right to a share in an inheritance would have been regarded as really weirdly grasping and probably not quite right in the head

I'm sorry you grew up with such a jusgemntal and confusing family dynamic

Original poster
Wisforwater · 17/11/2021 00:02

@SouthsideSally really good with 2, good with the 3rd but doesn’t seem able to say no to him. She’s completely well physically and mentally.

OP posts:
farfetched · 17/11/2021 00:02

Believe it or not, I am trying to make the OP feel better. I am trying to explain to her that money does not = love, and that the hurt she clearly feels at her assumption that her dm doesn't love her is misplaced.

Reading the OP's posts, I don't see any reason to assume her dm doesn't love her. It sounds like she loves her a lot.

She just has different views to the OP about the connections between money and love.

So the OP is feeling hurt and unloved when that was never her dm's intention at all. Which is of course very sad.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 00:03

This reply has been deleted

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SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/11/2021 00:05

I don’t think that the OP thinks money = love at all.

I agree that sometimes one child may ‘need’ a larger share but I’m not sure that is a right or loving thing to do.

It isn’t about the money. It is about feeling valued.