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DM has cut me out of her will

425 replies

Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:02

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

OP posts:
Yusanaim · 17/11/2021 06:36

I think it's something to do with how she was treated by her DPs.

Maybe it's an age thing. Not thinking quite so rationally as in teh past, dwelling on her past and childhood (not in a bad way).
I would say the extra time she has spent with your DCs is worth more than a share of the inheritance.

Did she earn all the money she is going to pass on or was it DF?

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 06:39

I don't think it's right to leave someone out of any monetary inheritance because they are already "rich" or better off than other siblings. Circumstances can change over time & just because someone is doing well now it doesn't mean they will be in that position in the future plus many people appear to be doing well but often have debt etc. Not saying this about the OP but lots of people don't really know the true circumstances of others financial affairs.

In my extended family everyone has received equal shares of whatever & then those that don't need it have distributed it amongst others.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 06:46

[quote breadrollz]@farfetched I don't know why you keep mentioning what happened in your family as I would argue it's not the norm.

I honestly wonder how some people brains work when a poster says "I feel hurt after finding out I've been excluded from inheritance" & the responses are "don't be grabby", "it's none of your business". 😆 it's batshit [/quote]
I haven't argued it's 'the norm'. Confused

I have argued that it sounds very similar to this situation, only in this situation I represent the people whose voices we don't get to hear in the OP's story, namely the other siblings and the dm.

It's precisely because a very similar (not identical but similar) situation played out in my family, but from a different angle, that I feel able to present the other views the OP doesn't seem to have considered, and the risks involved in encouraging her dm to change her will to suit the OP, given the OP has made it clear she doesn't need the money.

In short, she risks hurting her dm and spoiling their very close relationship. And she risks harming her relationship with her siblings.

It was suggested upthread I had therapy. Well, a) I did - and it was my therapist's horrified reaction to this story and her stated wish that someone had stood up for my mum and helped her to be firm in the face of my db's pressure to change her will to suit him (I didn't feel I could do this, as I stood to gain), that made me realise how much my dm suffered from this awful pressure to change her will. And b) by the same token, I suggest the OP has therapy to address what are clearly deep underlying issues about being unloved, which have led her to frame the will in this way.

From everything the OP has posted, I see no signs the OP is loved less than her siblings. I see a dm trying her hardest to be scrupulously fair, and ensure all her dcs end up equally comfortable and well-provided for.

If anything, the fact she's planning to leave ALL her personal possessions to the OP would suggest to me that the OP is secretly her favourite (although unsurprisingly, she would be reluctant to state that).

What I find really distasteful is that all these conversations are being had while the dm is still alive, well, healthy and in full possession of her faculties. To all those saying 'but the OP's situation may change, she might need the money', well, so might the dm's situation change. She might need to spend it all on care costs, and the OP's siblings could get nothing, while she gets all the sentimental items.

OP, stop having designs on your dm's money - especially as you don't actually need it - and try to enjoy your dm's remaining years.

I would give every penny I inherited back just to get another day with my lovely dm. Sad

Your dm won't be here for ever, OP, and when she's not, what will bring you comfort is not the money but knowing you helped make her last years happier, and got to spend so much time with her. The money doesn't matter - it's not life-changing for you. The time (and the personal possessions left only to you) do matter. Enjoy those precious last years.

Yusanaim · 17/11/2021 06:54

A biased will probably raises thoughts of the child NOT being loved equally with the other DCs, which seems quite likely to me.
My DM decided belatedly (having giving my DB his share early) that it would all go to her DGCs. It certainly affected my memories of my DM and of my childhood. Not greatly but just feel a bit sad.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 06:54

@breadrollz

So you claim to love your mum but not getting your hands on what's hers when she's dead is upsetting you.

Are you on the correct thread?

That is a fair summation of the thread.

You seem shocked not everyone is as grabby as you. Hmm

Wisforwater · 17/11/2021 06:58

@farfetched, whilst I appreciate your views, I am sad that you have hijacked this thread and very much twisted a lot of what I have said. At no point have I said that I either feel, or objectively am, unloved. I absolutely know that I am very much loved.

I help my Mum now and will continue to do so as she gets older.

But I am allowed to feel hurt by this, and you seem to just be saying ‘shut up and move on’ although you clearly haven’t.

OP posts:
farfetched · 17/11/2021 06:59

@Wisforwater

Gosh. What a lot of overnight activity. I was going to show the thread to my mum, but I think she’d get a bit lost by the derailment.

At no point have I said I don’t feel loved. I said her action make me not feel valued.

@CheekyHobson Do you think that your relatively higher standard of living is more deserved than your siblings?

We’ve all worked really hard (although there is always luck in life too). As I direct comparison of siblings we all earn similarly. We’ve made different life choices or been affected by circumstance. One has no dc and isn’t planning to have any, the other 2 have partners who have been SAHMs and have more children than us. My DH is a high earner, I’ve always worked and we have the least children. All of these are factors in our comfort v theirs.

If you have fewer children, as well as being better off, did it occur to you that maybe your dm wants to ensure that all her dgc are well-provided for too?

It's not just a love contest between you and your siblings. Presumably she is also factoring in future costs of providing for future generations in her decision as set out in her will as well.

SheWentWest · 17/11/2021 07:02

One thing she may not have considered is that your circumstances may change. None of us are immune from major illness or other life changing events. Maybe point that out to her.

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:06

You seem shocked not everyone is as grabby as you

Another fine example of your outstanding comprehension! 😆

farfetched · 17/11/2021 07:06

[quote Wisforwater]@farfetched, whilst I appreciate your views, I am sad that you have hijacked this thread and very much twisted a lot of what I have said. At no point have I said that I either feel, or objectively am, unloved. I absolutely know that I am very much loved.

I help my Mum now and will continue to do so as she gets older.

But I am allowed to feel hurt by this, and you seem to just be saying ‘shut up and move on’ although you clearly haven’t.[/quote]
On the contrary, I haven't said 'shut up and move on', I have tried to patiently explain the other point of view to you, to make you realise that you don't need to be hurt, because your dm's actions don't suggest what you think they do.

I have tried to warn you off a course of action that I think will hurt your relationship with both your dm and your siblings, and all over some money you don't actually need, that isn't yours.

If you want to go ahead and risk spoiling your dm's last years by challenging her on this, and risk your siblings' negative reactions to that, then you do you.

All we can do is warn you. A large number of posters on this thread have said the same as me, but you seem determined to ignore them too.

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:07

But I am allowed to feel hurt by this, and you seem to just be saying ‘shut up and move on’ although you clearly haven’t.

The irony of it!

Oblomov21 · 17/11/2021 07:07

Very hurtful. At least tell her how you feel.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 07:08

@breadrollz

You seem shocked not everyone is as grabby as you

Another fine example of your outstanding comprehension! 😆

Truth hurts, eh.
breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:13

Truth hurts, eh.

🤣 you need to go back to therapy as you are clearly still very damaged by what happened in your family

farfetched · 17/11/2021 07:16

@SheWentWest

One thing she may not have considered is that your circumstances may change. None of us are immune from major illness or other life changing events. Maybe point that out to her.
Why? She's not blind. If that happens, she can - and probably would - change her will.

Meanwhile, her dm's circumstances may also change. Her health may worsen and she may spend the lot on care costs.

She can only base a current will on the current situation. Confused

Pinkgorrilaz · 17/11/2021 07:18

NigellaAwesome
@farfetched* I think you are becoming weirdly fixated on this and projecting. You have made your point, at least 15 times. Many people have different viewpoints to you, yet you continue like a dog with a bone.

We get it - you had a different family dynamic where inheritance was unevenly split. Apparently all were fine with it.

Please can you allow the OP to process her very different feelings about her situation without you trying to invalidate them?
I am trying - unlike you - to make the OP feel better by explaining how people have different views of splitting inheritance and that there is zero evidence that her mother doesn't love her.

I fail to see how you insisting that clearly her mother doesn't love her is supposed to make the OP feel any better!*

Whatever you think you're doing, can't you see that as almost everyone is disagreeing with you, that it's not working.

I would certainly not feel better to have my feelings invalidated.

Anyway OP I can completely understand how you feel and I would feel the same way. I'm in a position where my parents might have thought I'd be the best off but that situation is likely to change and I'd have been in a much worse position than my siblings if my parents had done the same as your mother is planning.

I'd have a word with her about it. At least that way you'll be able to say your piece even if she doesn't change her mind.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 07:18

@breadrollz

Truth hurts, eh.

🤣 you need to go back to therapy as you are clearly still very damaged by what happened in your family

Gee, well spotted. Hmm

Strange then that you're encouraging the OP to do the very same thing that had such a devastating effect on my family.

But I guess as long as you're alright, Jack.

You sound vile. Mental health slurs and all.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 17/11/2021 07:21

@PopsicleHustler

I would just leave it. I wouldn't want to change her mind if she is already set on what she thinks is correct. It clearly isn't. But what can you do?

My dear nanny passed away last winter and wanted her money to be split between her children and grandchildren equally. One of her children took the whole lot and split it 3 ways between herself, and two of my cousins. Now they are all living it large and having a good old time and everyone has pretty much gone mad about it. I dont understand how it all happened though. I said to my Dh is there anyway we can do something about that as nanny wishes were for us all to have a share equally, but they have already blew the money and having a great time so not sure what we can do now as they have bought new homes and so on.

I'd be gutted if my mother cut me out of the will and said it was because you're ok financially. It doesnt matter if you're ok finance wise. Anything can happen in the future and perhaps it would be a good amount of money to invest in your childrens future. It definitely does feel like making you different to your siblings.
I wouldnt bother trying to resolve it. I would leave it and just crack on with your own life. It's also your choice if you want to have anything of sentimental value from the home. Either to keep or sell on etc.
Wish you all the best.

Depending on how much money's involved, could you see a solicitor? Sounds as if something went amiss here. If you grandmother left a will, her executors should have distributed the money as set out in that. If she didn't leave a will, the money should have been divided between her children in equal shares. Either way, what your aunt has done doesn't sound right.
farfetched · 17/11/2021 07:21

@Pinkgorrilaz

*NigellaAwesome *@farfetched* I think you are becoming weirdly fixated on this and projecting. You have made your point, at least 15 times. Many people have different viewpoints to you, yet you continue like a dog with a bone.

We get it - you had a different family dynamic where inheritance was unevenly split. Apparently all were fine with it.

Please can you allow the OP to process her very different feelings about her situation without you trying to invalidate them?
I am trying - unlike you - to make the OP feel better by explaining how people have different views of splitting inheritance and that there is zero evidence that her mother doesn't love her.

I fail to see how you insisting that clearly her mother doesn't love her is supposed to make the OP feel any better!*

Whatever you think you're doing, can't you see that as almost everyone is disagreeing with you, that it's not working.

I would certainly not feel better to have my feelings invalidated.

Anyway OP I can completely understand how you feel and I would feel the same way. I'm in a position where my parents might have thought I'd be the best off but that situation is likely to change and I'd have been in a much worse position than my siblings if my parents had done the same as your mother is planning.

I'd have a word with her about it. At least that way you'll be able to say your piece even if she doesn't change her mind.

Almost everyone isn't disagreeing with me.

Loads of posters have agreed with me.

Are you one of those posters who suffers from selective blindness and only sees the points of view that agree with your own? Confused

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:27

Strange then that you're encouraging the OP to do the very same thing that had such a devastating effect on my family.

What have I encouraged the OP to do exactly?

Perhaps you are grabby & entitled hence why including your brother had such a devastating impact?

But I guess as long as you're alright, Jack.

Again this makes no sense as I have no skin in the game as I'm not in the OPs family.

Mental health slurs and all.

Saying you still need therapy & are still damaged by what happened is not a slur particularly as you are agreeing with me.

You sound vile

I bet you always think you're the one hard done by in life.

Lollolloll · 17/11/2021 07:27

[quote Cop26CopOut]@Capferret I totally agree with you. I would never do this to my kids but my mum is about to do it to me. All her money is going to my two brothers because “they need it more” apparently Sad.

It’s damaged our relationship so much.[/quote]
I’m interested in what is used to determine if someone needs it more?

I can understand it in the case of someone who has long term care needs etc but if it’s down to life choices or just the way life has planned out then I think things should always be shared equally. That’s my view anyway!

Our sil and her partner have a smaller property than us and less disposable income, but they chose for her to give up her professional career and be a sahm, so obviously this had an impact. They also chose to travel, a lot, pre kids and didn’t have kids until later in life. Whereas we prioritised buying a bigger property and didn’t travel much. I don’t regret our decision but also don’t feel others would deserve more on their current circumstances. We are fortunate that our pil are to share everything equally.

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:29

Loads of posters have agreed with me.

Some posters have said it's ok to leave out wealthy family from inheritance.

Very few have called the OP grabby but feel free to correct me.

Puppalicious · 17/11/2021 07:30

@farfetched your position is somewhat undermined by the fact you are obviously still completely bitter about not getting your hands on all that lovely cash. Your mother did the right thing. Being truly honest with yourself would you be happy as Larry if your mother left it all to the eldest son, as is traditional, and you got zero?

breadrollz · 17/11/2021 07:30

Are you one of those posters who suffers from selective blindness and only sees the points of view that agree with your own?

You have got to be trolling us now.

Capferret · 17/11/2021 07:36

[quote Wisforwater]**@Capferret* ..... OP ask your dm how she would have felt if her own parents had cut her out of their will*

They did!!!! She was one of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. One boy got the family business and the other got the family home and their second home. The girls got nothing, because they didn't 'need' it. The brother who got the property was married to a women with children from a previous relationship (and had no children of their own). All his inheritance has been siphoned off to her children. DM doesn't mind that one brother got the family business as no-one else wanted it, but she is still resentful that 1/2 the estate has gone to her BIL's step children.[/quote]
Well, this makes for an even stranger situation.
If it was me I would have to say something. However I show my feelings on my face so my dm would know I was upset.
I wish you a resolution because I can’t imagine living another 20 plus years of feeling resentment.