So so so tired of the constant battering from my ex and his wife

[Grainofsand]

I’m a shit mother
Any issue with the DC is due to issues in my house
When I didn’t work I was lazy. When I worked part time I wasn’t working enough, now I work full time I’m a shit parent
They spend all their time sorting out issues from my house
I don’t feed, clothe or wash them enough or to their standards (they are teenagers and one pre teen) example: I give them dinner money and if they spend their budget they have to take packed lunch (I don’t have the money for them to spend £4/5 a day at school each)
I cause drama and lie for attention (kids had positive lateral flows and I kept them home whilst waiting for PCRs, PCRs were negative so I must have lied/faked the lateral flows?!)

I feel battered and tired and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I work over 40hrs a week, I’m single and have no support. They earn god knows how much money between them.

I’ve just received another essay from the pair of them telling me again how shit and useless I am.

This has been ongoing since the kids were small. They have no kids between them. 50/50 split so no maintenance paid

Hi OP. This sounds terrible. Sorry to ask questions at what sounds like a difficult time but I don’t understand this: They spend all their time sorting out issues from my house Are you talking about your ex here? He comes into your house with his wife and starts berating you? Why do you let them in? (Or do your kids let them in?)

I don’t feed, clothe or wash them enough or to their standards

Unless they are malnourished (as in actually, not by teenagers standards) then you’re feeding them enough. They are teenagers. They can wash their own clothes. And will soon be old enough to go out and get jobs to pay for their own.

feel battered and tired and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I work over 40hrs a week, I’m single and have no support. They earn god knows how much money between them.

Does he pay child support? Does he have your kids often?

I’ve just received another essay from the pair of them telling me again how shit and useless I am.

I’d be tempted to get a red pen and ring all the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors and mark it a “F” and send a picture of it, but rolling your eyes, ripping it up and throwing it in the bin and thinking nothing more of it works just as well.

Oh you updated since I wrote that and the answer about the money and him having the kids has been answered I see

Is it your house, you dont have to let them in if you dont want to. I would start recording their complaints, they are bullying you, his wife has no say in how you bring up your children.

Grey rock. Ensure all communications are by text/email. Only respond if absolutely essential for the children's care.

Maybe speak to the school to see if there are any genuine concerns - I've known 50:50 kids who don't have bookbags/uniform/lunch/homework/personal care done at one parent's house. Remember there are 2 adults at his house to share all the household/kid stuff and just one at yours.

Stop feeding the monster and they'll loose the power.

If its 50/50 why aren't they paying for lunches on there time?

Do you give them cash for there lunch or on there account? Can you set limits? (I can on this school but couldn't on the last so I know it varies)

Do they really sort things out at your house or is it drama?

What would happen if you told them to fuck off? 🤔

Ffs their

Just don't engage with them OP. None of their business how you look after your teens. Your teens are old enough to speak directly to their dad. Set up a separate email address just for them if it was me I'd give it the username getalifeand [email protected] - if they send you emails moaning just don't reply. Don't rise to it!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Dps ex used to do this about dss. Nothing we ever did was good enough and she was apparently a perfect mother but everyone who mattered including dss knew it was bullshit. She just enjoyed the conflict and I suspect was trying to make herself feel better.

Your children will know that you are a good mother and if they're happy that's all that matters

I am gey rock groud.
Don't engage its just bollocks.

If it's a 50.50 then he should be paying towards their keep, giving them pocket money, paying half for everything including school meals. Are they old enough to have Henry bank accounts that you both pay equal amounts into each month.

They say that when the kids are at theirs they are constantly dealing with issues from my house. When asked for examples they don’t/can’t give me any.

There’s a whole paragraph about the holidays/trips/meals and days out they have taken the kids on this year and telling me I “don’t bother” nothing to do with the fact I don’t have the money to. I undo all the good work they do at their house.

I’m mental. I screech. I’m unstable. I shout. I’m a poor parent.

It’s worth noting ex had no input in their care when we were together, he couldn’t even change a nappy. His wife is a professional who works with children so her word is gospel on child development. If I mention any of this I’m harking back to the past. If I mention finances and that it’s easier for them (they have a cleaner and extended family who do their childcare/school runs whilst they are at work) then I’m jealous. If I call them for support with the kids because they’ve been fighting or arguing then I “can’t cope”

I feel broken

What do your children say

Your ex sounds stifling

I'm still thinking fuck off is a good response

This is harassment and abusive. I would not be opening any letters, texts or emails from them. At all.

“Fuck off” - this would be met “see you’re crazy/mental/can’t accept criticism”. And I’d be told off for bad language!

Agree with PP’s, don’t respond unless to strictly discuss the DC’s, and even then keep it very factual.

And "professional who works in childcare" means nothing ex dh has a new girlfriend who works at a sen school and has a sen child so apparently she will know all about our sen child who he hasn't seen for almost two years and he knows nothing about but apparently she will know just how to treat him 🙄 mkay

Block them. Due to go to his house? He can check in via dc themselves the time etc.. Report them to the police for harassment. I simply kept to the court order and never answered my exh's abusive texts. One time the dc were on finishing a game on xbox. He left abuse giving me 5 mins to send HIS dc out or the police helicopter was coming to arrest me. His vm's got more stressy when I didn't answer! I never ever text him back or answered. He gave up eventually.

By the way - for any of you who shout or raise your voices. You’re damaging your kids, modelling poor parenting and the reason you are having to shout is because you are a poor parent!

And no, don’t rise to their emails with bad language. Rise above it. They sound abusive and bullying and enjoy making you feel rubbish. They’ll soon get bored if you don’t give them anything back.

Bad language? Your an adult

Just dont reply to his wearisome essays

They call/text the kids and if they reply I get a message telling me off because the kids are on their phones.

I slept in one day and they were late to school. ONE day in nearly 11 years and I never heard the end of it. How terrible it was I couldn’t get the kids to school on time

I think they want a reaction out of you. Don't give them one. It's not really any of their business what you do on your time unless you're children are at risk which it does not sound like they are.

Do you have any other support? Grandparents?

I think you need to put some big strong boundaries up.

Your kids are old enough to be responsible for their own lunch money and remembering stuff like uniforms.

There's no maintenance to be paid by either of you. I'd send a letter or email stating that you would prefer to lower the amount of contact between you and ex and partner, as you are finding it very demoralising and negative, and to be blunt you are too busy working full time and raising children to have to defend yourself as a mum.

State you'd like contact to only be when is necessary eg the child has been ill or had an accident, or something important from school that school can't communicate to you themselves. Any serious communication or concerns please email them (and shove them all in a folder for future reference then forget about them).

Anything else they send to you by text or email just delete.

I'd even be tempted to stick the phone number you have now on a pay as you go sim, get a new number for your main phone and then they are relegated to a mobile you don't have to check/ bother with much.

Perhaps get in touch with the school and state you are getting a lot of negative communication from exes House and do THE SCHOOL have any concerns. Purely to reassure you.

Then after that - ignore, ignore, ignore.

@Grainofsand

By the way - for any of you who shout or raise your voices. You’re damaging your kids, modelling poor parenting and the reason you are having to shout is because you are a poor parent!

Naaa my son gets glue ear he can't hear anything when he has a cold so I end up raising my voice CHEESE OR TUNA SANDWICH? WHUT MA??? CHEESE OR TUNA SANDWICH and so on no-one has ever accused me of damaging him psychologically