So so so tired of the constant battering from my ex and his wife

[Grainofsand]

I’m a shit mother
Any issue with the DC is due to issues in my house
When I didn’t work I was lazy. When I worked part time I wasn’t working enough, now I work full time I’m a shit parent
They spend all their time sorting out issues from my house
I don’t feed, clothe or wash them enough or to their standards (they are teenagers and one pre teen) example: I give them dinner money and if they spend their budget they have to take packed lunch (I don’t have the money for them to spend £4/5 a day at school each)
I cause drama and lie for attention (kids had positive lateral flows and I kept them home whilst waiting for PCRs, PCRs were negative so I must have lied/faked the lateral flows?!)

I feel battered and tired and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I work over 40hrs a week, I’m single and have no support. They earn god knows how much money between them.

I’ve just received another essay from the pair of them telling me again how shit and useless I am.

A mediator isn’t a bad idea either

I would keep replying to every message but only after a few days " your comments have been noted ". You are giving them power by reading their emails. You choose to let them get inside your head. I would be completely blanking them. It will absolutely infuriate them not getting the bite they crave.

@Almostmenopausal

I would send them the link to this thread and say "THIS is the reason I am now blocking you.

Do not do this. You have had some good advice OP. Move this over to relationships and you will get loads more excellent advice. Read some of the other threads over there and you will see you are not alone.

Also as pp have said - slowing down your responses is wise. Take 2 days to respond with your short bland response. If asked say I’ve been busy and leave it at that.

Now that the kids are teens I'd say "as you consistently send me bullying texts, I am blocking your numbers. The children are old enough that you can liaise directly with them re contact. If there is anything important you feel we need to discuss as co parents, please write to my solicitor who will reply on my behalf"

Then block their numbers.

You sound terribly passive

Who gives an actual fuck what they think? Why are you allowing them to intrude on you in this way?

Don't call them when you want to moan about your kids falling out. Why do you need to do that? It's just playing unit their hands. Have a bit of faith in your own parenting. As long as you're providing enough food, clothing them properly and parenting time effectively, then your ex and his partner don't get a say

Stop hing then so much access to your life. That's unusual - especially when your children are able to speak to your ex themselves. Just stop contact with him - you are allowed to do this

@Grainofsand

If I block them and tell them to email instead then I can’t stand the truth and I’m causing drama

How old is your eldest? Can he/she organise contact? You really need to stop responding to emails, they’ll get bored of their shitty games eventually. You’re only feeding their stupidity by responding, which doesn’t mean it’s your fault, they sound loopy, frankly.

I think you need to just reply to the essential stuff.
Pick ups, if they are poorly, school info.
Ignore all other corospondence from him. What will they do, say you're a bad mother for not responding well they are saying that anyway so it doesn't matter.
If his new partner sends an email unless it is important , never respond.
However keep all texts, emails and document abuse. Then get legal support for harassment.
It's very hard not to respond but you need to.
If he says to you that you're useless etc be silent. Don't reply. Only reply to essential communication. Humans hate silences and end up back tracking as they have to fill in gaps.
Do not let him in your house ever .

@Grainofsand

If I block them and tell them to email instead then I can’t stand the truth and I’m causing drama

This is the only way to stop the drama though. Take away their oxygen. Go grey rock. They are bullying you, dont give them anything except arrangements for the DC. If you go to email only they will have to stop the attacks on you as you will have evidence of it.

It sounds like you’ve been bullied into thinking you have to reply to everything immediately and justify your existence. I used to feel like that. I did the Freedom Programme and it helped me understand and notice abusive behaviour. I think having a phone just for them is a good idea. You don’t need to have anything to do with them. You should be able to read and respond to messages in your own time. I still have wobbles myself where I feel scared of my ex and what he might do. But the reality is he’s a bully who can’t do anything. And so are they. I wish you luck with this horrible situation.

Open up a file, just move their mails into it without opening them then after a few days read them, they will get more and more desperate sounding and you can have evidence of their bullying and harrassment if you want to take it further. Dont engage with them at all maybe send one email to dh only stating that can he please only contact you in future if there is an emergency or DC are taken ill and need urgent help. Any other concerns he has will be dealt with by your solicitor..

If I call them for support with the kids because they’ve been fighting or arguing then I “can’t cope”

They are not supportive so don't ever contact them.
How old are the children?

You are being triangulated so you have to grey rock.

They will always berate you because you react. How old are your children?

"Please stop emailing me. Any further communications will be reported to the Police as harassment".

THEN DO IT. Report everything. If they continue and you told them to stop it is harassment.

I've been down this road myself and my life is peaceful now.

@Cactusandmarshmallows

A mediator isn’t a bad idea either

Mediation isn't advised in abusive situations, which this, frankly is.

I posted up thread about going grey rock. Send one message that you will not be answering the phone to them nor accepting any further abusive communication from them unless it is strictly to do with contact arrangements, illness or school. (This was just about the best advice I ever got from my solicitor). Don't answer the phone, if they ring, text back 'further to my message on xxx date, please contact me by text or email only'.

The kids sound old enough to have direct contact with their dad, there simply is no reason for him to contact you unless there is an issue about a change to contact, illness, or school.

Honestly, if you were such a bad parent school would have been in touch about their initial concerns (eg lack of personal hygiene, homework, behaviour etc) and your ex would have applied for residency.

Mine threatened that, he now sees them barely once a year. Your kids will vote with their feet eventually, I promise.

They can't force you to engage with them. I'd tell them not to phone unless it's urgent and block them when the DC are with you.

OP, my ex husband is a great one for endless long-winded and ridiculous emails, mostly along the lines of everything I have ever done wrong.

I just delete them.

I only ever respond if we have a shared concern about one of the (now 16+) children. Then I respond factually and in such a way that I would be happy for any third party to read it.

I don't have all this 'blocking' technology, but that all sounds a bit teenage to me. More satisfying just to ignore.

Are you dc happy or are they having to listen to this negativity when at fathers house? Whsts their take on it all

Oh gosh. I'm not going to crticise you as it is clear your self esteem has taken a bashing.

But sounds like you need to join the ranks of single parents who are proud of what they do, and proud of their kids.

Practical steps you can do include:

1. Delete your email account. Start another. You don't want to be dreading or receiving emails which degrade you or your parenting.

1. Block them on your phone/change your number.

1. Don't let them into your house (no need at all)

1. You don't say how old your teens are, but if they are old enough they can make arrangements for contact. Handovers outside or in the local town with CCTV so they can't make trouble.

5 And get that child maintenance application in. My experience is that if your ex bullies you like this it is usually a financial issue.
Have you still got joint assets and is he trying to get you to back down on what you are entitled to?

Sounds like your kids love you.
Join frolo single parent app.

You don't have to talk to them for the rest of your life if you don't want to.

Unless there is an emergency and even then can be brief and grey rock.

With kindness if I say 'grow a pair' it is not criticism, just a description of the growing you need to do.

If there is a schedule in place and the kids are old enough to have phones why do you need to communicate with them? I would block them and ask a friend or family member to proof read any emails and just tell you the things you need to know.

@Cactusandmarshmallows

They’re bullying you. And it sounds hard. I have a friend who had something similar and what worked was saying ‘I’m not communicating with you anymore except via email’ then the friend grey rocking when the emails are received. Examples include ‘thanks, have a good week’ and ‘thanks , have a nice evening’ her favourite which is ‘ok, thanks, see you at pickup’

Tbh they sound pretty unhappy and my guess is their half of the time with the kids isn’t smooth sailing and you’re easier to blame than each other

This, too. Though I tend just to say "thanks", to anything that isn't a rant (rants are the things I delete - I can tell after the first line that it's going to be a rant, so don't read any further).

Whatever you do, OP, don't ask them for advice when your DC are being a PITA!

@Fireflygal

If I call them for support with the kids because they’ve been fighting or arguing then I “can’t cope”

They are not supportive so don't ever contact them.
How old are the children?

You are being triangulated so you have to grey rock.

They will always berate you because you react. How old are your children?

They will always blame it on you, it is convenient.

Anything you need to chat through, find alternative outlets.

Here,
Family Lives,
Mindline.

Yes, they are not supportive so don't tell them.

Teenagers are really challenging. Don't look for support in places it doesn't exist. hard I know but there are altternatives if you look for them.

Samaritans 116 123 is not just for suicidal people but generally people with worries and you can vent there for free if you need to.

@Cactusandmarshmallows

A mediator isn’t a bad idea either

I do wish people would stop suggesting this. No good and not advisable in abusive situations.

And please think about what I've said about financial assets.

Usually this behaviour is about that.

Then I respond factually and in such a way that I would be happy for any third party to read it.

OMG THIS!!! I was advised to respond only if necessary AND as if I would be OK for my response to be read out in court.

It takes time, and so much inner strength to regain the control over your own life. Especially as he has had it for so so long. Disengage. I promise you it will help.

"Triangulated".

There's a word for everything.