DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

Excellent post @MultiStorey

For all the “just buy her the Disney shit” crew wouldn’t you be ashamed of your child if they were passing comments on their friends possessions so that they were saying stuff like this at home. Do you want them to use possessions as their mechanism for choosing friends? Why the fuck would you instill the “Fit-In or else” value in your kids. Where has the OP said she wants to fit in or the other kids are saying things? The OP says her DD would like these things. Nothing wrong with that, the OP wants John Lewis towels and nothing wrong with that even though you can get good towels cheaper elsewhere.

The poor kid longs for a Disney towel. It isn't exactly a hanging offence.

No-one has said it is. But it’s not about one towel though it’s about getting onto the consumerist conveyer belt of this-and-then-this-and-then-this.

This thread takes me right back to when ds started secondary school and just had to have a certain Superdry bag. Cost a fortune, but it was his way of trying to fit in and having it gave him confidence. He is 21 now and still will not let me throw it away!!! Pick your battles, some things are worth giving in to.

[quote YourFinestPantaloons]@julieca but where does it end - I know parents who CAN afford 10 horses but won't buy them for their kids. Are the wrong?

On a less extreme not I could afford all manner of Nintendo, XBox etc for my kids but I won't buy it even though technology is important to them. Should I be booking their therapy session now?[/quote]
Of course they are not wrong.
But parents are wrong to insist only their taste matters. Things like swimming towels, lunchboxes, clothes, children should have a say in what they like.
In the same way if you were going to buy a horse for a child you wouldn't do that without checking the child wanted a horse first of all.

Exactly, fitting in is why older children skip school or smoke or any number of things you'd prefer they knew their own mind on.

And for people to whom fitting in is important, have you ever actually achieved a place where you always feel like you do? IME placing a value on that just leads to misery, no one feels they fit in all the time.

If the Disney towel is important to her I'd get it as a Christmas present, but I don't think fitting in is anything to aspire to, quite the opposite. If you think of the people most successful in your field or any famous field, are they people who fit in or people who know it's better to follow their own mind?

Likewise the happiest people you know? Highly unlikely they spend much time comparing themselves to others.

Sorry, @Foolsrule, you had said that about the JL thing and I forgot. I would just be worried that if this is how you explain it to your DD, she's going to pick up the message that you think your stuff is actively better than the stuff she's yearning for, and that you feel you're better for choosing it. I do think that's a damaging message TBH.

I don't understand the argument that this is about teaching a child to value different and not 'fit in' - surely, you are expecting your DD to fall in with your sense of what is desirable and what isn't?

Would it be possible to make the point without responding to her comparisons? It seems like, at the moment, she says 'I want a TV in my room because X has that,' and you say 'well X didn't get to go to London'. Which sets her up to think it's all about the implicit values of those things. Presumably, the reason she doesn't have a TV in her room isn't because you spent the money on a trip, it's that you think it's bad for her?

Standard behaviour. If you sent them to mega posh school they’d be asking for a pony. My teenagers have had similar complaints about screen time, bedrooms, etc- they just want what their friends have!

@TatianaBis Instead being consumerist by buying a John Lewis towel is fine?

Children don't always get that things that aren't physical 'stuff' cost a lot of money too.

When grew up thinking that my family must be poor. I never said anything to my parents (who would have disillusioned me because they were pretty affluent and I was at a private school!) But I assumed it because I didn't have the same branded clothes and expensive things that a lot of my friends had and we didn't go on holidays abroad. I thought we couldn't afford it.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realised just how much money my parents were spending on me - I did about 12 hours of dance a week as well as piano, clarinet, singing and gymnastics. And I have a sister and a brother who did lots of activities too. It would have cost an absolute fortune!

Whilst my 10yo wouldn't be seen dead with a Disney towel, the Disney beach towels are £8 from Asda. Non Disney are £5. They are great for swimming and taking on holiday.

(Sorry, that wasn't the most coherent post, but what I'm getting at is, I think the implicit-criticism style of comparisons is maybe the problem? In a way that directly saying 'X may have a TV in her room but personally, I think you won't sleep properly if you do' isn't?)

And I have a big TV now. Big TVs are great but much looked down on by a certain kind of middle class person.

On a less extreme not I could afford all manner of Nintendo, XBox etc for my kids but I won't buy it even though technology is important to them. Should I be booking their therapy session now?

If it’s important to them and you can afford it, then we’d consider buying it for them. Why wouldn’t we? Our kids feelings are important.

If you bring children up well, they can have the things they want (if you can afford them), with an understanding that not everyone in the world is as fortunate. My kids have always had whatever lunchboxes, trainers, consoles etc that they’ve wanted but are very kind and thoughtful children because we’ve talked to them about bigger things going on the world.

Some people are just tight or refuse to put themselves in a child’s position. Not having Nike trainers or whatever and being picked on for it is very difficult for a child. Of course they shouldn’t be picked on for such a stupid thing but that’s not the reality of life in schools here.

I always wondered who the parents were who propagated all this buying ten tons of crap for their kids not because they actually need it but because it just ‘looked cool’
Most of them are hanging out in this thread.
No, kids should not just be given new stuff on a whim when they have perfectly good one already.
Save it for Christmas or a special occasion.
Honestly this is exactly why the country has spiralled into this awful consumeristic nightmare we currently face in the UK

I think there needs to be compromise on both sides. For fundamental parenting principles, such as no phone until senior school, it’s tough for her. Those are your rules, and she’ll need to accept them.

For clothing and fashion, there needs to be compromise. She has to be allowed to express herself and chooses clothes etc, as long as the clothes are within your general boundaries about what is acceptable. Maybe not so much of an issue yet, but it will come!

If she needs a swimming towel/shoes/school bag/pencil case etc I would let her choose exactly which one she wants. Of course a lot of it is about fitting in - she’s 11. It doesn’t follow that she’ll be a sheep for her whole life, it just means that fitting in matters to a lot of children, for a certain amount of time.

For the parts of her life that you can make easier for her, and is no skin off your nose, I would do what I can in your position.

Could you get her to sit down and, picking one or two friends, make a list of all the things they have that she wants, then all the things she has. Seeing it written down might hp facilitate a conversation about how long her list is, and what's on it and why?

I hate threads like this because it makes me feel that no matter what I do, my kids will inevitably moan about it when they're adults

Of course they will. It's what kids do. I still moan about my mum being super crunchy (before it was a thing- pretty sure she invented vegan Mondays) because it was "embarrassing" when all my mates had white bread sandwiches and a kitkat. Also wasn't allowed to watch Grange Hill or Eastenders (social death). Obviously at the time I didn't appreciate the good things she did (very engaged parent, took us to so many places, taught us loads of cool stuff), because everything was so unfair and mortifying but now I do.... I just still moan about the lentil stew

@Silverswirl, did you miss the posts suggesting that the OP should get the towel for Christmas? There were a few!

I brought my boys up to understand that 'stuff' does the same thing regardless of price. For example my £1k banger does the same as a flash £30k car, gets us from A to B. I'm not particularly into labels, can't really afford to be but also find it a waste. The only time I compromised was when my eldest started high school and the mobile I bought, was all I could afford as a single parent, was getting him picked on by his friends. I agreed as he had money saved from many birthdays and Christmases, that he could buy a more fashionable handset. Which he was happy to use until my upgrade was due.
The towel is an easy fix. But I agree with other posters, where does it then end. Actual friends wouldn't care what towel you used.
Maybe it's parents that need to stop bowing to peer pressure.

My dc think we’re poor - their perception is bizarre as many of their friends have never been on a plane yet they’ve been to America, Canada and all over Europe. We drive older cars because we bought them at 2 years old and they’re good cars (just Fords) - Dh and I aren’t fussed about looking flash. Dd1 is 13 and was telling me how her friend’s parents earn over 100k between them and she was in awe… we don’t discuss what we earn so I just said “oh right” but in reality dh and I earn more than that. I’m not worried about it in the slightest. My dc have asked for lovely things for Christmas that are all under £20 so when they each get an iPhone it’ll blow them away (reconditioned older model).

does she have pocket money? It's great for sorting out the "This is really important to me" from "well that would be nice in an ideal world but I'm not paying that for it", even on relatively young DC.

Also, living overseas and attending an international school, it’s a HUGE culture shock coming back to the UK and attending a local school.

@Spiceup

"Fitting in" is over rated though. I always had homemade cake and a whole raw carrot (long before carrot sticks were a thing for kids). It made me different and I didn't like it at the time but much more valuable as a life lesson than a Disney towel. Different is good, why would you teach children they need to be the same as everyone else? How many adults do you know who have debt problems because they need to have what their friends have? Don't set that cycle up.

Yeah, no, totally disagree, my Mum tried to tell me constantly that being different is good, but as a child it really isn't, I didn't want the life lessons of being laughed at for my clothes/shoes/lunch box, it hasn't made me stronger at all.

My dd hated the fact that she had to wear Startrite shoes with round toes and straps. She was in year 6. I was just so mean because her friends had trendy slip on shoes with little heels. Her feet were an awkward shape and only the one style fitted properly. By the time she was 16 it was all Doc Martens…