DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

I agree. It depends on the item. I see no harm in buying a branded towel or something that will be used again and again. Ds has branded trainers and a branded coat and football stuff. These are smaller and cheaper items that he will get a lot of use out of. He then feels like he has some special things everyone else has and isn't missing out. I also buy some branded sports things second hand.

But I won't buy all designer gear for an outfit etc that aren't worth the money and won't last. I have explained this to Ds.

Maybe pocket money would be a good idea- then she can have some choice over what she buys, learn the value of money more and learn about saving up etc. I do find with my Ds I have to bite my tongue a lot though when he chooses some tat he plays with for 5 minutes.

So much of this thread resonates with me. I never had a swimming towel, lunchbox, branded school jumper, or sleeping bag for sleepovers. It didn’t reach me a lesson in frugality or in valuing things that last. Instead, it damaged my self esteem and made me feel unworthy of nice things - which I’m still fixing as an adult. I have a giant Mickey Mouse beach towel (still cool!), an expensive lunchbox collection, a sweatshirt that reminds me of the school one I coveted (complete with the soft fleecey inside), and a sleeping bag - just in case I ever want to go camping (I don’t). I’m not materialistic generally - just about those key items that I never had as a child.

It’s OK to not buy those little things that matter to children, if you can’t afford it. But if you can, then the only lesson you’re giving is that you don’t care about what’s important to them.

Some of the kids at his school have multiple iPads each, all the games consoles etc. We are buying dd a new iPad to Christmas as hers is so old it won't download any games she wants. Ds has a switch but again I explain these are things that are replacing something else which is very old or out of date which we need. They aren't being brought for the sake of it.

It’s all within context really. If you can't afford something, then you can't - end of story. But if you have enough money to spend on "nonsense" (something they don't understand), and begrudge them something as little as a towel - then they will get your priorities completely wrong.

Sorry, what?

We have a great deal of money, it doesn’t follow that we’re obliged to indulge every pony, car, tech, designer tat request made of us.

The more money you have, the more obligation to teach children the value of money, to ensure they don’t end up spoilt and entitled.

I was a fashionista as a teen so I understand the importance of a brand. But it can be done in a balanced way.

@Queenie6655

Is she aware of the children in orphanages in Afghanistan and how little they have?

And many other children around the world starving

The ones that don't even have shoes to wear or a school to go to

There is always someone who has to get everything totally out of perspective!

It's all part of the same lesson.

Why is it wonderful that she envies kids whose parents try to get their kids things the kids want?

@MyAnacondaMight

So much of this thread resonates with me. I never had a swimming towel, lunchbox, branded school jumper, or sleeping bag for sleepovers. It didn’t reach me a lesson in frugality or in valuing things that last. Instead, it damaged my self esteem and made me feel unworthy of nice things - which I’m still fixing as an adult. I have a giant Mickey Mouse beach towel (still cool!), an expensive lunchbox collection, a sweatshirt that reminds me of the school one I coveted (complete with the soft fleecey inside), and a sleeping bag - just in case I ever want to go camping (I don’t). I’m not materialistic generally - just about those key items that I never had as a child.

It’s OK to not buy those little things that matter to children, if you can’t afford it. But if you can, then the only lesson you’re giving is that you don’t care about what’s important to them.

I totally agree with this.

Wow my heart bleeds for all the suffering posters on here who got bedsheets and salads from parents trying to do their best

I hate threads like this because it makes me feel that no matter what I do, my kids will inevitably moan about it when they're adults.

Meanwhile children are actually suffering at home everywhere and probably wish they could only moan about getting sent to school with healthy food. Get some perspective ffs

Stick it out. It should stop at about Yr9.

In Yr6 there was a group who had the latest pencil case etc who were known as "the rich girls" and who were to some extent despised. The irony was that some families were not that rich, but simply had different spending priorities.

Eventually DD worked it out. We gave her our time, the opportunity to do sport and support for her school work. These are also valuable. And there will be others, who families can afford to give them very little, so it is worth staying out of the consumption arms race.

I think that one of the biggest gifts you can give children is the ability to be thrifty. Who knows what will happen in the future, and it can be very difficult if you link purchasing with pleasure. I have a very very rich friend, though you would not know it if you bumped into her in Lidl. When our children were in sixth form her daughter's phone was older and more cracked than anyone's. But a lovely level headed girl who has done well since, when, given their level of wealth, she could have very easily gone off the rails.

She may not be hard done by but she’s 10, she doesn’t share your values. If you’re looking force recognition for all the “opportunities” you give her you’re in for a long wait! She’ll be 20 or so by the time she can see and appreciate your values. As far as she’s concerned she’s just left out amongst her peers. Yes she’s lived abroad but rather than seeing that as a fantastic opportunity in her view it’s probably just you dragging her away from friends etc to a new country. At this age being different is really hard, I let my dc have phones when their friends did as I didn’t like them being left out. Obviously there were conditions, not allowed it in their room, I knew all passwords etc and checked it regularly, screen time allowance etc but would it really be so hard to let her have a fancy towel and a phone? You and I both know John Lewis towels are far fancier than branded Disney but 10 year olds don’t! If you can afford John Lewis you can afford a Disney one.

@YourFinestPantaloons

Wow my heart bleeds for all the suffering posters on here who got bedsheets and salads from parents trying to do their best

I hate threads like this because it makes me feel that no matter what I do, my kids will inevitably moan about it when they're adults.

Meanwhile children are actually suffering at home everywhere and probably wish they could only moan about getting sent to school with healthy food. Get some perspective ffs

It is totally different when you are doing your best and cant afford things. Kids know this. I come from a very poor family. The damage is from parents who can afford things but just don't care about what their kids actually want.

Is a John Lewis towel cheaper than a disney towel which you can get anywhere? I’m sure they sell them in primark. (Misses point of thread)

Talk to her. Top Primary is probably peak for this - everyone wanting same bag etc. At secondary there will be a wider range of children and styles as they grow - girls with fake tan, done eye brows and handbags, emo or whatever it’s called now, sporty etc.
I do pick up snobbish vibe. My mum had tendency to this and I do understand the desire to fit in. I always let my dd have frippery - lelli kelly shoes, long hair etc as I didn’t.
Keep communicating. Discuss things - climate, fast fashion etc are all on news and easy to chat about.
Let her have a say. You might prefer a John Lewis towel to Disney but I’d pick your battles.
Definitely have conversations about cost of stuff like activities and holidays. But be mindful she may want stuff over activities, there’s a balance.

So much of this thread resonates with me. I never had a swimming towel, lunchbox, branded school jumper, or sleeping bag for sleepovers. It didn’t reach me a lesson in frugality or in valuing things that last. Instead, it damaged my self esteem and made me feel unworthy of nice things - which I’m still fixing as an adult. I have a giant Mickey Mouse beach towel (still cool!), an expensive lunchbox collection, a sweatshirt that reminds me of the school one I coveted (complete with the soft fleecey inside), and a sleeping bag - just in case I ever want to go camping (I don’t). I’m not materialistic generally - just about those key items that I never had as a child.

Perhaps your parents couldn’t afford them? Parents aren’t necessarily doing it to torture their offspring.

As I say it’s all about balance.

I didn’t have a logo lunchbox until I was 11. It wasn’t what it was cracked up to be, from 12 I had lunch in school anyway.

But I had the expensive school jumpers, sleeping bag and swimming towel.

It’s a negotiation with kids - yes to this, no to that.

OP, I personally think that big televisions and Disney merchandise are common (for want of a better word). However, my DD had Disney princess dresses when she was small, because she liked them and all the little girls at parties wore them. Fitting in mattered to her, whereas my other DC didn't care. If your DD is bothered about towels (and I agree that JL are superior), she could have a different one for Christmas (though I'm guessing all her friends will be dumping their Disney towels in Year 7). You'll have the same with schoolbags, pencil cases etc - it's all a bit tedious but they generally grow out of it.

It might also help to laugh it all off a bit more. I have got a 10 yr old Nokia brick phone. I could buy an iphone if I wanted to, but I don't want to. My children enjoy teasing me about this, as do their friends' mums. But none of us actually cares who has what. if your children see you genuinely not caring, they might also care a little bit less.

@YourFinestPantaloons

Wow my heart bleeds for all the suffering posters on here who got bedsheets and salads from parents trying to do their best

I hate threads like this because it makes me feel that no matter what I do, my kids will inevitably moan about it when they're adults.

Meanwhile children are actually suffering at home everywhere and probably wish they could only moan about getting sent to school with healthy food. Get some perspective ffs

It's not a competition to see who's worst off. We've already had that with the poor orphans in Afghanistan.

You might feel less prickly about threads like this if you spent more time trying to think from your child's perspective, and less time making spurious arguments about suffering.

And FWIW, no, I do not think my parents were 'trying to do their best,' nor do I honestly believe the OP is 'trying to do her best' - there is also, undeniably, an element of showing off and judging others, which is something children really do notice and react to.

@julieca but where does it end - I know parents who CAN afford 10 horses but won't buy them for their kids. Are the wrong?

On a less extreme not I could afford all manner of Nintendo, XBox etc for my kids but I won't buy it even though technology is important to them. Should I be booking their therapy session now?

Actually @YourFinestPantaloons with all respect you have no idea what has been going on in peoples lives and your post pisses me off.

The reason I had odd clothes and food in school was that my mum died when I was 5 years old and my dad desperately tried to hold things together, make a living etc. I was also bullied for crying a lot - and for being “a weirdo without a mother”. I would have loved to fit in as I thought (at the time) that maybe I would be less bullied if I looked like the others. But I never asked as my dad had enough on his plate.

Everyone goes through different things, parenting is hard and childhood is hard. We are all doing our best. We need to find a balance which works for our families and a thread like this gives ideas on how to manage things.

[quote YourFinestPantaloons]@julieca but where does it end - I know parents who CAN afford 10 horses but won't buy them for their kids. Are the wrong?

On a less extreme not I could afford all manner of Nintendo, XBox etc for my kids but I won't buy it even though technology is important to them. Should I be booking their therapy session now?[/quote]
Well, in this case, I think the consensus is it ends with a towel! This is not a complicated one TBH. Brand new phone for mum who doesn't want one? No. Child's choice of towel? Worth considering. Job done.

I asked her to list the other dc who had all this better stuff.
It was one person!

This- according to Year 6 DS life is terribly unfair because literally everyone else has a iPhone 12 Max, limited edition with a diamond encrusted case 9 (and also are allowed to watch Squid Games, stay up till midnight and get unlimited Bucks but I digress)

The school did a parent survey to assess at what age kids are getting phones- 87% response rate- less than one third of the year even have a phone and literally one kid had an iPhone 12- everyone else had old models or android.

@TatianaBis

It’s all within context really. If you can't afford something, then you can't - end of story. But if you have enough money to spend on "nonsense" (something they don't understand), and begrudge them something as little as a towel - then they will get your priorities completely wrong.

Sorry, what?

We have a great deal of money, it doesn’t follow that we’re obliged to indulge every pony, car, tech, designer tat request made of us.

The more money you have, the more obligation to teach children the value of money, to ensure they don’t end up spoilt and entitled.

I was a fashionista as a teen so I understand the importance of a brand. But it can be done in a balanced way.

The poor kid longs for a Disney towel. It isn't exactly a hanging offence.

Do you ever choose something just because you like it? Nice if kids can do that.

The damage is from parents who can afford things but just don't care about what their kids actually want.

Seriously? It’s far more damaging to be poor than well off and self pitying.

Wealthy parents who indulge their kids’ every whim produce spoilt and entitled offspring. At some point they will have to learn that to buy the luxuries they took for granted they will have to work very hard.

DS1 was a bit like this, I spend money on doing stuff and spending time together so he doesn't have the same things his friends have.

What changed him was having a best friend who has iphone/xbox/switch/branded clothes but has never learn't to swim and loves coming with DS1 to our house to play board games or come bowling/go-carting/crazy golf with our family. Its given DS1 some perspective and he values what he does get more. He is also year 6 so we got him a cheapy phone as most of his friends had 1 and he is saving for his own console.

I didn’t intend to come across as being snobby, the JL reference was mainly to highlight that she has good quality things she needs and she certainly isn’t as deprived as she’d have us believe! It’s true that living abroad did give a different perspective and interestingly, at one international school she went to, there just wasn’t the focus on a Hype backpack or whatever the trend of the season is here as there was such a wide range of backgrounds, there wasn’t a common cultural reference point.

I feel the thread has got derailed somewhat. Sure, I could afford to buy her many of the things she’s asked for. Sometimes I do and she does have a branded bag and lunchbox like the others. What I really do dislike is the moaning and grousing because she can’t have a TV in her room like X has, or she can’t have a phone like X has, or X has this or that. Yes, X may have this or that, but won’t be going to X on holiday, has never been to London despite it only being an hour and a half away.