DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

Hi OP, it's hard isn't it? My DS has loads of stuff but still moans that he hasn't got A,B or C. We have been doing pocket money for a while so that in theory he can buy A, B or C himself but the money burns a hole in his pocket before he gets there usually (a good lesson about how much he really wants something i find).

I'm quite open to DS (8) re money stuff but what he hasn't got a sense of yet is the idea of spending a bit more on something because it will last rather than on something that he may not like in 6months time, or it will wear out quickly. So I wouldn't buy Disney towels simply because the chances of him liking them in 6 months time is minimal (eg the Star Wars phase seemed to go on forever but was less than a year) and because you are paying a premium because they are disney branded.

I also try to talk to him about priorities but it sometimes goes over his head ...

@Fireatseaparks

Your post isn’t just about a towel or a lunchbox - your parents were very extreme.

It's not just about spends, though, is it.
Children are notorious for "everybody stays up til 10 o'clock", "everybody has the latest i-phone", "everybody has McDonalds eight days a week", etc, etc. You need to take these things with a ton pinch of salt.

Back on the towel issue (for example) I'd say that I was willing to spend £xxx and if they wanted a more expensive, branded one then they could have it if they found the difference in price. It's amazing how many things suddenly aren't quite so important any more when it hits their pocket instead of yours.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Very similar experience here. I was sent to primary school with a heavy brown leather satchel in the early 80s. If that wasn't bad enough it was actually a hand me down from my mother with her name emblazoned on it in the inside. She went to primary school in the 1940s! It wasn't a lack of funds thing, they just prioritised hoarding money in the bank over spending it on what they thought was trivial items. Did not help me in anyway with sell worth or appreciating bloody privilege.

A character towel for a weekly swimming class is hardly wanton consumerism- especially when you've hinted at holidays which might also require a towel. As she's y6 I'd be concerned about her not wanting a Disney towel by year 7 but you might have a younger child who would want to use it too. It is unreasonable to expect a child to understand the significance of a JL towel when they'd happily use ones from Primark

I also try to talk to him about priorities but it sometimes goes over his head ...

Its all within context really. If you can't afford something, then you can't - end of story. But if you have enough money to spend on "nonsense" (something they don't understand), and begrudge them something as little as a towel - then they will get your priorities completely wrong.

We had asda towels! I think JL is a step up! We've always been cautious about our kids thinking they 'need' branded, showy things and we won't buy them - except for birthday, xmas presents. So the squiggle lunch box my son wanted as a birthday present and the disney beach towel my daughter wanted was an xmas present. My DS is older now. He has a smart phone but wants a flasher one for no functional reason. He may choose to ask for one for Xmas and that would be fine. I think they need to learn the value of things and to prioritise. Both of mine feel much less of the need to do what others do than many of our friends kids - and those who feel this a lot are invariably struggling with teenagehood. We often talk about people who have less, e.g. getting kids to choose which charity to donate to at Xmas time. I think this is just showing immaturity on your DD's part - age appropriate so not a negative comment on her. So the important thing is to help her move through this whilst growing and developing. 'giving in' and buying everything she wants probably won't do that but there is a middle ground.

This is one of life's most important lessons, it's not always an easy one to learn but most of us get there in the end.

If buying a Disney towel for Christmas can ease it along a bit then go for it!

We had the opposite in that my DDs friends thought we were rich! Year 6 as well. I bought my DD some new clothes and a bag (from Hype I think) that was deemed to be expensive - but I only bought them because they were on sale!!

But there is a difference between your phone, OP, and her swimming towel. If you can afford it, why can’t she make her own choices about the things she uses? Her school bag, lunch box, towel, her personal things, set a budget and let her choose.

Nothing wrong with telling her you don’t want to replace your phone every year as you don’t see the need. That’s your thing.

Then there are family things - big TVs, where you go on holiday etc. Yes it’s for you to decide where the priority is for non-essential family spend, but you should be aware that she might feel differently , and that’s ok - it’s not morally inferior to like having a big screen for films and gaming.

My dd had this complaint at a similar age.
I asked her to list the other dc who had all this better stuff.
It was one person!
My dd did have a Disney towel already as I’d bought it for holidays.

We have older kids and are comfortable but don’t waste money.

My DD complained that all her friends got a Blackberry for Y7 Xmas (and made her aware of it), she had a phone but not the same. Within a year or so, a BlackBerry was out of fashion.

My response was people will always have more and less than you, different items, etc, don’t compare. These were her primary friends and I knew one at least didn’t come from a well-off family. Mine eventually got iPhones but not until 16+.

They are now young adults and working. They buy their own iPhones with Xmas/birthday money and wages but don’t upgrade regularly. Like you, we buy phones and have SIM only deals. My battery is shot so I might upgrade at Christmas, but may just pay for a new battery!

Both have cars we initially contributed to, both could afford newer ones, but they are happy with what they have.

DD best friend has changed hers at least 3 times in the 3.5yrs that DD has had one, always on credit, same with latest phone, then complains she can’t save up! DD can’t understand her - So we have definitely done something right!

Maybe buy her the towel but say she can have top of range phone when she earns the money for it. Keep impressing on her that having top material items doesn’t mean they can afford it. It will sink in eventually.

@CatsArePeople
I think it's a bit more complicated than that though. Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you should buy it ... I could afford to buy DS a nintendo switch but I'm not prepared to because he already has a tablet to play games on, and he has been advised by his optician not to spend longer than 15 minutes on it but still can't self-regulate and gets extremely cross when told to put it away... and just because some of his friends play for hours on their x-box doesn't mean it's necessarily the sensible thing to do

@Saltyquiche

Birthday lists and Christmas lists and saving towards items might be the way forward

Sounds like a good idea.

Kids don't have to have everything their friends have even if it can be afforded.

How much stuff has she got that has been bought because her friends have it?

I think some parents forget what it is like to be a child.
Forget about fitting in. Why would a child want a white towel in a brand you care about - John Lewis - over a Disney towel?
You have decided a certain kind of adult taste is superior, and kids tastes are inferior.

you can afford it, why can’t she make her own choices about the things she uses? Her school bag, lunch box, towel, her personal things, set a budget and let her choose

Agree. If she needs things anyway, just let her choose what she'd like.

@TonTonMacoute

This is one of life's most important lessons, it's not always an easy one to learn but most of us get there in the end.

If buying a Disney towel for Christmas can ease it along a bit then go for it!

Can't believe this is the main response to the OP

What is going on !!
Seriously

We also have JL towels but they’re too good to take swimming ! They’re actually pretty old now and threadbare and actually too bulky - I found the cheaper character towels (at Asda etc) to be much better for swimming lessons as they fit into their bags.

And there is a good reason many parents on this thread who were treated the same as children buy what their kids like instead of what the parent likes.
I let my kids choose their own lunchboxes, etc. Their tastes are not mine.

MatildaJayne that’s was more about the social aspect. DS had an xbox at age 12. He was home 5 mins after leaving school. After a snack and chat he was allowed on for 2 hours with friends from school. He then did homework at the table while I cooked dinner. He had football twice a week as was in a team and also one sports club after school one day. Our x boxes are in a family area, I even gamed with him and his friends occasionally. I could hear the chat, gaming, stuff about school, homework, girls, football and all sorts. They were chatting about lots of stuff while doing the shared activity.

DS went Eton, there were boys there who came from families that had so much there is no way we could ever compete. He knew one boy who had his own house in Kensington, but there were plenty like us, and others who came from council houses, one boy was from a Palestinian refugee camp in Lebanon.

DS always had to have DH's cast off mobile phones and was really cross when he was given a really obscure phone called a Hewlett Packard Palm P2. He was amazed when he got to school that all the boys loved it because it was so unusual, much more exciting than the brand new iPhone as far as they were concerned!

The upshot of this is that it did teach him not to worry about a lot of this stuff

It is very interesting reading the different perspectives here. Our children go to private schools and we buy all uniforms second hand, most clothes in primark. Oldest has just been allowed to Zara items (big treat).

I used to worry about these things (waves to everyone who had odd, cheap clothes and weird food as a child) but I have stopped.

I explain to the children that we don’t have that much money to spend. If they really want something, we can discuss it. Often (if affordable) it will then be given in exchange for 11+ work, music practice, excellent homework for a week or similar. Or a birthday/Christmas present.

Oldest DD got a phone for secondary school, not a second before regardless of begging. She got my old iPhone and it is a very prized possession. Even if other children have newer models.

I think it depends a lot on the child. I would probably give in much more to a child who was insecure, worried or unhappy with their friends. A child who represents the school in sports and has a good group of friends doesn’t need stuff. It would be nice, but they can manage perfectly fine without. And “work” for the things they cover (Rubik’s cubes, specific drawing book, etc).

@CatsArePeople
I think it's a bit more complicated than that though. Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you should buy it ... I could afford to buy DS a nintendo switch but I'm not prepared to because he already has a tablet to play games on, and he has been advised by his optician not to spend longer than 15 minutes on it but still can't self-regulate and gets extremely cross when told to put it away... and just because some of his friends play for hours on their x-box doesn't mean it's necessarily the sensible thing to do

i get what you mean. I'm currently saying no to Switch myself, but we already have Xbox and PS4 and tablets, so more than plenty of screen entertainment. But I'm still holding the "too expensive" line for this one, so maybe next year.

[quote Foolsrule]@Queenie6655 - I agree with you. It frustrates me no end that she has no sense of just how privileged she is, relative to some of her classmates here or to those living in absolute poverty.[/quote]
Isn’t this a wonderful thing? She looks up to those kids, acknowledges the value in the gifts they have been given, even feeling jealous.
There is plenty of time for her to look back as an adult at the ‘privileged’ childhood she had.
For the moment, she doesn’t worry about poverty, and doesn’t make judgements where her friends might be struggling with that.
What a wonderful blind spot for her to have atm- she will almost certainly lose it in the next 2/3 years

Most kids just want to fit in. It doesn’t mean they’re necessarily materialistic or selfish, it’s just easier at school if you have what others have.

Children can be aware of people being very poor in other countries but for children who live in the UK, they still have to get through school here and that can be hard without the ‘right’ stuff.