DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

This is definitely a middle class sneering at working class thread. Bore off.

I can relate to this. DD2 is now finished with uni but from about age 12 on I’ve had our lifestyle compared to that of her wealthy school friends’.

As a divorced single mum I was actually doing well enough but didn’t live in a huge house, own holiday homes, buy designer things (wouldn’t even if I could!). Now that she’s working FT she hates it. Welcome to Real Life….another 40 years of working. 😒

[quote julieca]@Ladywinesalot it is sad that you see giving a child a modest present of a Disney towel, as giving in.[/quote]
I think it’s sad you value teaching children superficiality is more important then true family values of where to op depends time with her dc

This thread has some wacky responses. How does buying a towel essentially lead to the child’s demise and ending up in debt?

In my opinion, you buy for kids what you can afford. Some of the stuff they’ll want will be tacky as fuck, but they like it, and that’s what matters.

You don’t go into debt buying stuff for them. If they have a budget of, eg, £100 for a birthday and want 10 things, you compromise and they pick two or three up to what the budget allows. They learn that way that they can’t have everything but still get a say and that their opinion is valid.

Deliberately not buying kids anything they like because you think it’s tacky is a really shitty thing to do. You’re basically telling your child “your likes don’t matter to me. What I like is all that’s important. You’ll take it and shut up”.

When I was a child I wanted some tacky plastic toys for Xmas. Really garish stuff. Didn’t get it all, but what I did get, I loved. Yes, part of me was fitting in but part of me also wanted those things to. I had great memories playing with those toys.

Fitting in is important, to a degree. Especially for a child. It’s all they know in their small world and it’s important. It absolutely does not teach a child to only ever “fit in” until the end of time. They find their individuality later in life, usually post 18.

People need to stop having such outdated views. I guarantee these folk wouldn’t be happy if their husband made them food they didn’t like every day/only bought them what they deemed appropriate with sheer disregard for their wife’s preferences. Within reason, it’s the same for a child. No one likes not being listened to.

There is a difference between being acquisitive (wanting more stuff) and wanting to fit in with your friends. Not all children have the confidence to stand out and go it alone at this age. Most just want similar things to what their friends have and that seems fine to me. As adults, we often want the same, only it takes more expensive forms (holidays, furniture, kitchen extensions, nicely furnished house, John Lewis linen). So why should we then turn around to our children and tell them it's not important to fit in?

I just can’t seem to get across to her that she’s really lucky in many ways.

If my daughter ever decided she didn’t have enough, I’d be taking away what she did have. My 12 year old is fortunate we don’t struggle for anything and she wants for nothing, but she knows it and is never flashy or ungrateful. If I saw that in her I’d put a stop to it.

When she was about 6 she turned her nose up at one of her Christmas presents from a relative who didn’t really know her that well. I told her if she ever said anything so ungrateful again, there would be no more presents. She has never done it since and is even really good at the “ooh that’s lovely” when she comes across those really off the wall presents that one particular great auntie sends.

@PizzaCrust. I agree. I can't see that deliberately "othering" a child from their peers at this age is going to do anything apart from make them unhappy.

We bought DCs phones for 11th Birthdays so could use them properly when they started high school. Disney towel as xmas gift. Still might not be happy though.

Fitting in is important, to a degree. Especially for a child.

I don’t really agree with this. Ploughing your own path is always important and the earlier kids learn that the better. “Fitting in” is what leads to the kind of thing OP is talking about. Comparing your life to others, being the “right size”, having the “right” look, owning the “right” stuff. I never made any effort it “fit in” at school. I was me and it was never a problem. My daughter is the same. Her disability means she has never really “fitted in” but she is well liked by kids and adults at school and is happy in her own skin.

@BoredZelda. So your child has to fake enthusiasm for presents bought with no regard whatsoever to her personal preferences and interests?

So your child has to fake enthusiasm for presents bought with no regard whatsoever to her personal preferences and interests?

Yep. Because someone has taken the time and effort to go out and buy it and wrap it and send it. It isn’t being done with “no regard,” someone has taken the time to think of her. She can donate it to charity, or regift if she wants to. But being ungrateful for the act of someone giving it to her doesn’t fly in my house.

Ploughing your own path is always important and the earlier kids learn that the better.

But the OP's DD isn't ploughing her own path. She's being forced to plough her mother's path rather than have preferences of her own.

Ploughing her own path would be if she chose a towel and continued taking it to school despite being teased for it because it represented something she liked and had chosen.

@BoredZelda. I think always having to be grateful even for shit gifts is a dangerous message to internalise for future relationships. If a future partner grabs a toiletry gift set for you from the pharmacy because they couldn't care less about your birthday and getting you something you really want, I don't think you should have to pretend to be grateful.

Yep. Because someone has taken the time and effort to go out and buy it and wrap it and send it. It isn’t being done with “no regard,” someone has taken the time to think of her.

'Think' of her maybe but not think enough about what she might like or want.

I remember a similar conversation with my Mum when I was about 7 or 8. "Everyone" at school had the Asda crisps in their lunch, but mine were from Sainsbury's. Please could we try getting crisps from Asda one time, Mum? DM was a bit perplexed and told me that Sainsbury's crisps were nicer, but I really wanted to have the same crisps as everybody else because they kept asking me why mine were different.

DM went to Asda. She bought crisps. She saved a fortune (this was the 90s so I imagine the disparity between the supermarkets was even greater than it is now). I was happy because I had the same.

It's not about the "stuff" most of the time, it's about not wanting to stand out. Nobody actually wants to stand out, no matter how much they try and middle-class their way into thinking they don't care.

My own DC are mostly completely oblivious to brand names and lifestyle differences etc except DS1 but he's 14 so not his fault , but I do indulge the 'right' trainers as a Christmas or birthday gift occasionally because, let's face it, being the odd one out is fucking grim.

@Gliderx

Ploughing your own path is always important and the earlier kids learn that the better.

But the OP's DD isn't ploughing her own path. She's being forced to plough her mother's path rather than have preferences of her own.

Ploughing her own path would be if she chose a towel and continued taking it to school despite being teased for it because it represented something she liked and had chosen.

Absolutely this - the mother wants to fit in with her own tribe of John Lewis home purchases and not Disney towels from Primark or Tesco and as a result, disregards her daughter's preferences because they don't fit in with what a child of the mother's tribe should want.

Also, I am another who has a Disney (Lion King) towel from 1994 that I still own and use. It's in mint condition, albeit slightly faded, and easily the oldest things I own except DH so... maybe that quality isn't so bad after all...

Well..the poor kid is the star of every kids movie I've ever saw.

I had exactly a similar experience to your daughter. I lived in a lovely area in a modest house filled with art and books and classical music, starved of the tacky material goods & experiences I craved.

It was always difficult - I never to felt "heard" but often felt judged. They didn't understand the embarrassment of failing to fit in because they would never have felt it.

The upside was I was always very motivated to succeed in life as a result. And my parents values are the ones that prevailed in the end. I'll go to opera sometimes now and even enjoy it .

So, if my son asked me for that towel, I'd try and get it for him (with a firm reminder that what you own doesn't define you).

I think always having to be grateful even for shit gifts is a dangerous message to internalise for future relationships.

Nonsense. It is good manners to accept any gift with good grace.

If a future partner grabs a toiletry gift set for you from the pharmacy because they couldn't care less about your birthday and getting you something you really want, I don't think you should have to pretend to be grateful.

As an adult of course you can assess a relationship however you want. I, personally, would never judge my relationship based on how excellent a gift giver someone was. My husband is generally ok-ish at it but then, I'm not great either. If a hastily grabbed gift is a symptom of a poor relationship there will be other factors that lead to that conclusion.

At 12 years old, she is wise enough to form her own opinions about those she receives gifts from, but do you honestly think that in the moment when she opens a gift from her uncle, in front of his mother, she should give an honest reaction about the sheer crap-ness of the gift? That's not a child I want to be raising.

'Think' of her maybe but not think enough about what she might like or want.

Or, lives 500 miles away, doesn't see her often, and buys the kind of gift most girls of her age would appreciate.

Nonsense. It is good manners to accept any gift with good grace.

'Good grace' does not require faking enthusiasm. It is sufficient to say 'Thank you very much for the gift and for thinking of me' without having to put on an elaborate charade about how much you love the gift that secretly you hate.

As an adult of course you can assess a relationship however you want. I, personally, would never judge my relationship based on how excellent a gift giver someone was. My husband is generally ok-ish at it but then, I'm not great either. If a hastily grabbed gift is a symptom of a poor relationship there will be other factors that lead to that conclusion.

Honesty in relationships is important. Having to pretend to your supposedly nearest and dearest that you're grateful for any old shit from them is not a good sign. It's ok for them to realise sometimes that they got it wrong and should put more thought into their gift in future.

@Fireatseaparks Your school life sounds like mine. My parents always bought "sensible" rather than fashionable. Even my school books were covered in sensible brown paper rather than the pretty papers other girls used. I was very shy and felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was so conscious of the difference between me and the other girls that I withdrew even more. I never really made friends because I couldn't be part of the things they talked about. It carried on like this all through secondary school. I wouldn't invite anyone home because I didn't have things like make up or records or fashionable clothes so couldn't do stuff teenage girls liked doing when they get together

• doing hair/make up trying on clothes, listening to music etc.

I feel like I missed out learning how to socialise. And even now, as an older person I feel like I shouldn't have pretty/fashionable etc. I have never worn make up - I don't know what to do with it.

The happiest children I come across are those whose parents strike a balance - so letting a child have a towel or a lunch box/pencil case or whatever so they felt like they fitted in but also teaching them that bigger isn't necessarily better and that as a family we chose to spend our money on different things to other people (eg we'd rather go to Centreparks than have a bigger tv)

I’d like to teach my kids that it’s ok not to fit in. And there is nothing wrong with not being able to afford something. We get towels that are long lasting and useful in multiple circumstances.

If it’s something they really want, then I’d encourage them to save up for it with birthday or pocket money and then buy it.

@Namenic is it ok for them to fit in if they want to?

Sometimes you can’t help being the odd one out - I’m ethnic minority. Plus different culture - so our home lives were different from my classmates. My mixed kids are sort of white-passing. I was quite disturbed when the 7 year old said that he wanted to be seen as white in U.K. and my ethnicity in my home country. I can understand the desire, but I don’t think I’d want to encourage it. I’d want him to know he is mixed (can have some medical implications) and be fine with it and happy about why we do things differently at home.