DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

It all starts with this. The children want more because their friends have. A way of society that has developed , more, more, more. Throw out the old get the new.

Have you talked to her about what is making our world a battered place to live in. ~Do the learn about it at school. Too much waste of perfectly good things, too many possessions that we don't need.
Stick to your guns - she's not deprived - and teach her the value of our lives and the world that might be ahead of them as they grow up.
Don't preach, just explain. Perhaps ask her teacher if you could do some lessons on what is happening. I am a retired teacher. Don't let your daughter convince you she's hard done by. You'll get some sulks and moodies but ignore them. Good luck.

It's this attitude of give in give in give in that's got us into the mess we're in. A Disney towel will soon be thrown aside for the next 'in thing' and become part of the great mountain of refuse we are having to dig into the earth. And we're finding out that the Earth doesn't think much of it either.

@Foolsrule we are poor by comparison but my kids have Disney towels and they are actually cheaper than those John Lewis towels. They all got them for Xmas but had a different one just for swimming because chlorine. They all used the same swim towels tho, we had finding nemo and cartoon wolverine and if your kid is doing swimming at school I guess that means year 3 or 4? So really not old enough for a phone. But when they get to secondary school age even ours got a phone, despite being not flush. We either handed down our old one and upgraded ourselves or a recon which is quite affordable and you just shop around for a good deal.

But honestly why not let them have the little things?! Some of those little things are fun. Your kid doesn’t want boring plain things because they’re better quality and do kids make use of them long enough to even be worth taking this into consideration?

I have this with my little one.... we r not rich but not deprived in any way. We live in a flat which she says in embarrassing there does seem to be some very flash cars pulling up at the school so must be money about and I can’t drive Lool. She gets most things she wants we go on nice holidays it is upsetting when she says this because her dad works really hard as do I. I would probably just buy the towel

A Disney towel in secondary school, I bet she will wish she had the JL towel again!
If she wants a Disney towel, buy it for her for Christmas. I’ve got a young daughter, year 2, but know I’m going to be this kind of parent that doesn’t cave in due to what everyone else has. It’s life, it’s tough, get over it.

@notoldjustpastyoung I think OPs DC is asking for very little actually. A phone is a usual request from a kid, we all decide what age is suitable. The towel is her wanting something practical that suits her tastes. Just like a kid doesn't want the same water bottle that an adult would want.

Asda often do Disney type towels for maybe £6-7 if you wanted to solve that issue. Probably cheaper than John Lewis too!

I got Dd a Minnie Mouse towel from Asda for £3 in the sale a while ago ^

@CHML1976

A Disney towel in secondary school, I bet she will wish she had the JL towel again! If she wants a Disney towel, buy it for her for Christmas. I’ve got a young daughter, year 2, but know I’m going to be this kind of parent that doesn’t cave in due to what everyone else has. It’s life, it’s tough, get over it.

Very true totally agree

This is silly Primark and Asda carry a Disney range. John Lewis is more ‘posh’ I think she wants a fun towel like her friends not generic boring stuff

For many young people, its about fitting in with their peers. From your post, the fact your phone is old and she wants you to change it - that wouldn't benefit her, but its about appearances and fitting in with others.

If you allow children to fit in, then they may well do better at feeling ok in themselves.

why not talk to her about what are the most important things that you can easily change? towels are easy, but maybe their are a few other things that can be changed to make your dd feel more comfortable in herself and fit in

@TatianaBis

Choosing a brand name or ordering from a ordinary homeware store with reliable produce, fair returns policy, and convenient mail order?

That assumes OP got JL towels because they were John Lewis rather than because they were just towels which is more likely.

I think we can assume that's precisely why she bought them. If their marvellous John Lewisishness weren't their defining quality, she would not have mentioned their origins.

I would also have regarded a JL towel as superior to an Asda towel, say, until JL closed my local shop. Now JL can get lost.

Children should be allowed agency in certain aspects of their lives.

I wouldn't let a child that age have a TV in their room or a fancy phone because that's what their friends have, but I do think things like pencil cases, bags, towels, biscuit and ice-cream choices, that sort of thing, come within what a young child should be able to choose for themselves.

I let my DS choose his own towel when he was 3. Predictably, it's a garish Paw Patrol one. I wince when it comes out at the swimming-pool. He still loves it a year later. I assume he won't when he gets to secondary school .

Those telling you to buy the Disney towel are part of the problem. Sure a Disney towel isn’t a huge spend, but it’s not a fix to your DC feelings. There will always be someone with more. Envy is something we all have to deal with, and solving that by buying things to keep up with our peers isn’t realistic or healthy. It’s an un quenchable thirst.

There is so much reading material on how to raise children to be resilient in life. This is a realistic aim and one your DC will thank you for.

It sounds like you’re already on the right track. We should be pointing out what we have not what we don’t have. We should practice gratitude, so that our children see that and take on the same habits.

Feeding kids envy with material things will only encourage bullying and bitchiness. I rather try and encourage my children to see the bigger picture. That’s not to say my kids don’t have brands and one even has a Disney towel. But rather that they can’t have all the things all other kids have, because that’s not realistic, and that their happiness only rests on that if they make it so.

This article is quite a good one if anyone is interested:

www.northjersey.com/story/life/columnists/2018/11/21/parenting-teaching-kids-how-handle-jealousy/2052893002/

I think we can assume that's precisely why she bought them. If their marvellous John Lewisishness weren't their defining quality, she would not have mentioned their origins.

You can assume that if it floats your boat. OP’s point was actually that her DD considers herself ‘poor’ because she has a JL towel rather than Disney. Which is actually perfectly reasonable quality.

@ReadtheFT

I would not buy her stuff for thw porpouse of fitting in. Or she will learn that yes, fitting in is THE most important thing, ie following the crowd. Keep explaining to her and she will understand at some point. Otherwise it starts with disney towel and never ends.

I totally agree with you. I had a few battles with my daughter in her early teens with this but she did come to agree quite early on that being the same as everyone else wasn’t the be all & end all, and in fact by about 14 or 15 she was more than happy to be different. I couldn’t afford a lot of the stuff her other friends had, and some of it I would never have bought even if I could.

To not buy Disney towels but John Lewis ones as you feel you have a “broader outlook due to having lived abroad, unlike local families” smacks of thinking you’re above the locals;rather than concern about materialism

I suffered watching the X factor for 3 years do my DD could join in with the conversation on Monday at school. Just buy the Disney towel. She wants to fit in

@TatianaBis

I think we can assume that's precisely why she bought them. If their marvellous John Lewisishness weren't their defining quality, she would not have mentioned their origins.

You can assume that if it floats your boat. OP’s point was actually that her DD considers herself ‘poor’ because she has a JL towel rather than Disney. Which is actually perfectly reasonable quality.

Righto...

I certainly wouldn't be buying her stuff just so that she fits in. I would be explaining the importance of quality time and the environment. However, if she does have a specific towel that she really really wants, I'd remind her that Christmas is coming up.

Definitely buy her the towel. It's quite sweet that her and her friends still want Disney towels in Year 6, most kids that age are growing up way too fast!!

Is it not more that she wants certain 'stuff' but you want her to have other 'stuff' rather than her thinking she's poor?

John Lewis towels will be of equal cost (or more depending on the range) than a Disney one off the market.

Phone is similar because it's not that you can't afford it, it's just you want to her wait until year 7, which isn't unreasonable.

Is it possible that you are trying to put your values in her and she needs a bit more choice?

Kids don't have very much that they actually own compared to adults and so swimming towels, shoes, bags etc all become very important forms of self expression.

Op we are like you.
We gave dc activities, holidays and experiences their friends don’t have.
But their friends have air pods and newer phones

They have superficial flash. It’s meaningless. And I wouldn’t give in with the towel

At that age most children are desperate to fit in and have very little concept of being better of than most people.

Buy the towel. We provided a phone in late middle school for all our children. I'd aim for an old one of yours until she shows she can look after it (unless yours would be embarrassing).

@ReadtheFT

I would not buy her stuff for thw porpouse of fitting in. Or she will learn that yes, fitting in is THE most important thing, ie following the crowd. Keep explaining to her and she will understand at some point. Otherwise it starts with disney towel and never ends.

You see I was the bullied kid with the ugly coat, sensible shoes and the satchel like my dad had in the 60s.

If anything, having parents that make a point of not caring whether you fit in ( opting for things that are “serviceable” “good quality” and “sturdy”) make a child more conscious of fashion/labels/having the right thing, rather than having things that don’t draw attention to themselves, so they can have the confidence to express themselves as a person outside of clothing and all that. I found I spent a lot of time at school just trying to disappear in to the background and not be noticed at risk of sticking out as a big geek.

That was my experience fwiw. I don’t go overboard with my kids and use eBay/Vinted a lot, but try to make sure things like bags/coats etc are what they are comfortable to wear, rather than giving them reason to be self conscious. Or make them feel that things that matter to them are completely trivial to me.

@Ladywinesalot it is sad that you see giving a child a modest present of a Disney towel, as giving in.