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Original poster

DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

535 replies

Foolsrule · 12/11/2021 09:03

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 12/11/2021 16:16

@MargaretThursday

I wonder how many of those who are saying that their children have learnt that it's silly to care about these things actually know what the children are thinking.

I did care. I just knew there was no point voicing it because we wouldn't get it.
A few years ago something came up and I commented how I'd really wanted one and dm (who is lovely and I have a great relationship with) said, "oh no you didn't really want one, you never asked". I opened my mouth to correct her and though, no. It wasn't worth upsetting her saying that I had, but knew I wouldn't have got it anyway so hadn't said anything at the time.
I'm not bitter now, and as a parent I know exactly why we didn't get it. But I do make sure that my dc have things to fit in when I can afford to.

I agree with this, I really cared that my shoes were wrong and my bag was wrong and my coat was wrong and all that. Not because of money (my parents were/are pretty wealthy) but because of 'values'. It was fine for them to have their values and I share some of them now, but when I was at school and getting picked on I couldn't have given a shit about their values. That's not how kids see it.

I never said a word to them though, never asked for stuff, it's just not the way I was and I knew there was no point.

It didn't mean I didn't care about it.

Viviennemary · 12/11/2021 16:18

I had to wear horrible old fashioned shoes while others had nice trendy cheap ones my Mother tuned her nose up at.

julieca · 12/11/2021 16:48

I dont believe that no kid cares about fitting in at all. The truth either is that they fit in enough already that they are happy. Or they have learned there is no point saying anything, as they will be told what they care about, is wrong.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education

5128gap · 12/11/2021 16:52

@julieca

I agree with this. And the happy 'free thinking' kids are usually just conforming to a counter culture within a group of their own, where they are sll remarkably similar in their difference.

NerrSnerr · 12/11/2021 17:00

@Moonface123

l am lucky that my kids had no real desire to fit in, because it frees you of all this nonsense, and they were/ are still very popular and likeable. I think parents should encourage free thinking instead of sheep mentality, because when you dont need the approval of others your in a much more stronger position.

If you would have asked my mum 25 years ago she would have said this about me. The truth was that she had very fixed views of how I should think and there was no point in questioning it.

It wasn't worth saying that I liked what the 'sheep' did as it wasn't worth the disappointment.

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 17:00

Absolutely. You are at the beginning of The Journey op. You have to let go of being super worthy mummy with your middle class values (not knocking I am too!) who is utterly in charge - your kids will reject that. Some values you hold firm of course but all the rest - let go.

Met up with friends today we were all like you and are now ok with septum piercing because when you take them out they can’t be seen hey ho. 8 years ago we were pearl clutching about ear piercing but now we have 16 year olds…

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 17:15

Yes ironically the kids of som op are “fitting in” with the parents over their peer group. That’s not necessarily a good thing.

LolaSmiles · 12/11/2021 17:19

NerrSnerr
Do you not also think that the parents who proudly act like they and their families are so above the sheeple still end up wanting to fit in, just they're signing up to prove how they fit into a different group of oh so free thinning and different people?

It reminds me of the parents who boast about how they're so unconventional, as they're kitted out head to toe in the brightest clothes they can in the same style as every other family who wants to prove how wacky and free they are.

RobertaFirmino · 12/11/2021 17:25

@LolaSmiles that's very insightful, you're right. Unique, just like everybody else!

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 17:28

There was a lovely vignette in Modern Family where Phil praises his son for a slightly bold outfit “good for you son” then opens the door to his sons pals who are all wearing exactly the same thing 😁

EdenFlower · 12/11/2021 17:34

@MsTSwift

Ha ha - know exactly how you feel about the septum piercing- it's the lesser of many evils...

I had a little girl who was once in cute tasteful outfits with polka dot wellies and duffle coats, I never bought her 'cheap' crop tops or 'tacky' outfits. I thought she would grow up to have my good taste but secondary school happens and now it's all black eyeliner, hoodies and cheap t-shirts from primark- she looks like every other teenager! She doesn't want to be 'classy'

LolaSmiles · 12/11/2021 17:36

MsTSwift
I've not not that, but it sounds accurate.

I've made a mental note that as soon as someone talks about how different/wacky/unique/free from the sheeple/unconventional/random/(insert any other expression about why they're super different the the rest of us) it's a sign that they're probably quite superficial and their personality is limited to talking about how different they are. It's probably a little harsh, but when humanity is full of people with rich interests and styles the people who make a big deal out of being special are probably not that interesting.

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 17:45

Decent parents go quite quiet about their teens. Let them find their own way. Give in on what you can only hold firm about the important stuff. Christ we have had to grit our teeth about our 13 year olds outfits but we don’t want to trash our relationship with her or her self confidence so - let it go!

julieca · 12/11/2021 17:46

Some kids and adults are different and happy to stand out. But if the way they are supposedly standing out is in the exact way their parents want them to, then no they are not standing out at all.
The punks of my youth were standing out. Neither their parents or most of their peers dressed like that.
My nephew who dressed like in a preppy American way stood out. His mum and dad were bemused by his love of pastel shirts as were his peers. Its certainly not how his parents would have chosen to dress him as evidenced by his two brothers very rough and ready boyish look.

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 18:01

Yes if a child mirrors their parents it’s not really standing out it’s being abit late cutting the apron strings.

The mum on About a Boy encapsulates this!

Siepie · 12/11/2021 18:35

You may prefer John Lewis to Disney, but that doesn't mean there is anything automatically "better" about JL. You are also choosing brand names, just ones that fit your taste. I wouldn't be surprised if your taste fits in with your friends too.

At 10 your DD is probably starting to develop her own taste, and won't always like the same things as you. Of course with big things like phones where there's safety to consider, it makes sense for you to say no. But next time you're buying something like a towel or lunchbox for DD, why not let her decide (within a budget)?

TatianaBis · 12/11/2021 18:46

Choosing a brand name or ordering from a ordinary homeware store with reliable produce, fair returns policy, and convenient mail order?

That assumes OP got JL towels because they were John Lewis rather than because they were just towels which is more likely.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 12/11/2021 18:48

@julieca

Some kids and adults are different and happy to stand out. But if the way they are supposedly standing out is in the exact way their parents want them to, then no they are not standing out at all. The punks of my youth were standing out. Neither their parents or most of their peers dressed like that. My nephew who dressed like in a preppy American way stood out. His mum and dad were bemused by his love of pastel shirts as were his peers. Its certainly not how his parents would have chosen to dress him as evidenced by his two brothers very rough and ready boyish look.

You can stand out for a lot of other reasons. My dcs were standing out because they are bilingual/binational and therefore have had experiences others don’t. They also had a different way of doing things etc… That is all making them stand out. And nothing I or they can do about it….

MargosKaftan · 12/11/2021 18:50

A fellow child with a mum who thought her middle class values where "better" than everyone else's with more common choices. I let dd have the tacky hairclips and the logo t shirts.

Pick your battles, but some chances to fit in are important.

I would also add that if you want her to have a mobile phone before starting secondary, then give it as a gift for Christmas or birthday in year 6 so its not "new" when they start school. Apart from anything else, unless she is an August birthday, thats a big gift that really should be a birthday or Christmas, and she gets to start negotiating the group chats and how to use it with friends when you know their mums and can have words about inappropriate messages etc.(bullying via WhatsApp starts young )

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 12/11/2021 18:56

I have to say I hate all this stuff about making efforts to fit in.

Because that means that children who cannot ‘fit in’ whatever the reasons end up basically excluded. And I don’t think that’s ok tbh.

(And yes I’ve had first hand experience both for myself as an adult and with my dcs :()

Naughtynovembertree · 12/11/2021 18:58

Op, her life and perspective is totally different tk yours

You can't expect her to just know things, for her she feels she wants these things to fit it

I've got two dc and one didn't bother with such things, and happily wore the non fashionable top at school when all the children changed to the year six uniform (but she does aodre fashion)

The other dc is incredibly self conscious and raw and wants to fit in
There things ate really important to her.

What I had as a child is totally irrelevant. Infact I grew up in a beautiful place in a house nowadays worth well over a million but our current house, not in a nice village, in house worth much less is 100 times more comfortably warm and functional!!

We teach are dc, we don't expect them to to just know things but.. We can't teach them if we teach through our eyes and not there's.

LittleOverWhelmed · 12/11/2021 19:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Saltyquiche · 12/11/2021 19:19

There seems to be a lot of negativity about any alternative culture but it’s quite admirable when children choose to be interested in the environment, recycling and helping others who are more vulnerable.

Saltyquiche · 12/11/2021 19:22

At the end of the day there will always be someone with better stuff and feeling envious is just a mindset, a choice. I say this as an adult with very wealthy friends.

MsTSwift · 12/11/2021 19:57

Being environmentally conscious is mainstream cool as is being super liberal LGBTQ ally being kind etc. From what I’ve observed of my young teens and their friends anyway. That’s not “alternative” any more.

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