DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

I think the no Disney towel thing can back fire. My DH grew up in a lovely house, went on camping holidays abroad, had a big garden but he didn’t have all or hardly any of the latest clothes and stuff. Now he’s mid 50’s and obsessed with stuff and shopping. Where as I had a lot of the latest stuff, I grew up on a poor housing estate but must have seemed one of the ‘richer’ kids. I’m not really bothered about stuff, very unmaterislistic and prefer experiences to things.
My DC got both, a lot things and experiences, I never did the financial consequences thing and they’ve turned out really appreciative of what they have more by accident than anything my DH and I have done. They go to work now and are sensible with their money.

What I really do dislike is the moaning and grousing because she can’t have a TV in her room like X has, or she can’t have a phone like X has, or X has this or that. Yes, X may have this or that, but won’t be going to X on holiday, has never been to London despite it only being an hour and a half away.

Ignore the moaning. Buy the Disney towel if you like, but she will have outgrown it (probably) within a year.

Take her to London for a day out. You can do the free museums and a fun lunch or can go whole hog and take her for a lunch/matinee or can even have a walk around in shops (warning: this can lead to Pester Power Purchasing). Experiences are almost always better than material gifts, when the child is old enough to remember the experience.

I don’t think you sound like a snob, by the way. When she makes her own money she can spend it as she likes.

A telly in her bedroom is the worst idea because once am she gets a phone—assuming it’s a smartphone—she will watch everything on that.

Just be confident with your values, indulge her when it’s important because you can afford it, but otherwise just smile and wave.

I thought the OP meant the DC that has the stuff had never been to London.

Explain it and leave her to adjust; which is what all kids have to do.

Branded Disney stuff isn’t always bad quality. I have really good Disney themed Samsonite suitcases and the themes towels John Lewis sells aren’t bad at all - they still retain their softness after washing at 60 which is far better than any other towel I’ve bought.

It sounds to me that you're frustrated that your DD doesn't share your view that you are superior to the big tele Disney people (im sorry, but its all over your post. Why on earth not just say plain towel rather than tell us its from JL?) and has somehow formed the opinion that they are superior to, at least richer than you. Which is kind of amusing in its way. I wouldn't worry, I'm sure in time she be able to differentiate between the trappings and lifestyles of the different social classes, and understand where your family sits in the hierarchy.

I get a big sense of reverse snobbery from the OP. And FYI I’ve found Sainsbury’s towels lasted better than my John Lewis ones. But it’s important for children to feel that they fit in and belong. I think it helps give them confidence from which they can make their own decisions later on. She’s very young to have a full understanding of the value of money - despite having very socially conscious parents, I didn’t learn until I was working because you can’t fully get your head around it.

I wonder how many of those who are saying that their children have learnt that it's silly to care about these things actually know what the children are thinking.

I did care. I just knew there was no point voicing it because we wouldn't get it.
A few years ago something came up and I commented how I'd really wanted one and dm (who is lovely and I have a great relationship with) said, "oh no you didn't really want one, you never asked". I opened my mouth to correct her and though, no. It wasn't worth upsetting her saying that I had, but knew I wouldn't have got it anyway so hadn't said anything at the time.
I'm not bitter now, and as a parent I know exactly why we didn't get it. But I do make sure that my dc have things to fit in when I can afford to.

My mother grew up in a vicarage and was super jealous of her friends who lived in the council houses as they all lived next to each other and it seemed cooler and way more than fun than a big old house.

@Chippymunks

I thought the OP meant the DC that has the stuff had never been to London.

Ah, perhaps I misunderstood. Thank you.

Either way, a London trip or new experience can be memorable. Then again, so can a beloved Disney towel. It’s really the parents’ call, isn’t it, when to indulge and when not.

The thing about children is their desires change so quickly.

My 14-year-old was telling me last week about how embarrassed she is for having adored Panic at the Disco’s music two years ago. She still likes the music, she’s simply embarrassed about how much she banged on about it with her friends. (Loss of enthusiasm = growing up, then is regained in later life.).

I suggested she should come to peace with the idea that’s what she loved at the time, and can be equally enthusiastic about what she loves now.

Children are mercurial.

@MeredithGreyishblue

I still remember how I felt not being allowed anything quite right. Shell suit - the stall on the market sold them. It's where everyone had one from. Not me. Mine was M&S and marketed at old women. School bag - Head. Everyone had Head. Not me. I had a leather briefcase. "Good" leather. Apparently. I was never allowed long hair. Nor a perm. Nor to watch Grange Hill / read Judy Blume / play out in the streets with everyone else.

We were faaaar from wealthy. My opinion just didn't matter and it affected my confidence.

Every day, I try to make sure my children don't feel like this.

I feel your pain. I had to start high school with the world biggest leather satchel when all the other girls had khaki canvas bags from army and navy that they stuck badges to and wrote on. I bought myself one with saved up pocket money and hid it inside the satchel, then left the satchel at a friend's on the way to school. And the massive duffle coat when everyone else wore teeny denim jackets. Blushing now.

It's a really good opportunity to talk about finances - not in detail, just an overview. DS and I had a chat where he agreed that him going to afterschool childcare could sometimes be a drag for him but if I stayed home we'd have to forgo our annual holiday, and the other little things we do during the year after I explained a little bit about how it worked. He won't get everything he wants but I think I'll pick my battles and aim to give him more than what I got but also ensure I don't go too far that way to compensate for my childhood.

Like others on this thread, anything fashionable or trendy was immediately discarded as an option by our parents and a focus on 'sensible but cheap, or ideally free' so it wasn't even a thing where they wanted to buy quality that would last. Nothing was ever whimsical, even gifts for birthday or Christmas. So I got the poundland 'barbie' instead of the real deal for example.DM always praises me that I'd be happy with anything as a gift as a child -well, no not really. I just learned from an early age never to get my hopes up that I'd ever get what I wanted, but it was drilled into me to be polite and thank people for the gift anyway. DDad was a penny pincher though, yet if he needed a coat or shoes, he bought expensive, quality items for himself. It was just his wife and children that had to wear charity shop and hand-me-downs.

It's funny how we all turned out as a result of our parents non-conformity: Not having the latest things affected one sibling even now that they have to have the fanciest phone, car, clothes, and is shockingly materialistic. They are also obsessed by how they are perceived by others, gives too much weight to the opinions of shallow people and is often quite fake as a result.

Another happily wears threadbare stuff, eschews anything designer (their smartphone is an off-brand chinese one) and is bewildered at materialism. Also one the most non-judgemental person I know. They could have a million in the bank and you'd never know.

I veered towards upcycling charity shop finds in my teens so while I stood out still from my peers, it had a creative vibe so therefore more obvious I was not following the crowd but less obvious that it was because I couldn't afford what my friends had. As an adult, I find it hard to feel I 'deserve' something nice I see in a shop. I'm quite fussy so it's rare I do see something I really want, but I'm learning to believe that I am worth spending a few quid of my own money on from time to time.

Growing up I had a friend who had all the best clothes from Gloria Vanderbilt and had a very lovely house 🏡
Turned out the clothes were bought on credit cards and the Dad was having an affair whilst he was working away.

Spend lots of time with your DC - that's what's important, not the towel, but they will only realise that when they get older 🥰

@5128gap you've just brought back flashbacks of the gabardine mac... oh how humiliated I was. I couldn't have the other regulation "wool", quite trendy one in case it rained. Gabardine would keep me dry. It didn't. I stuffed that in my bag too!

The Army & Navy stuff was v cool!

They just want to fit in with their peers

Some blasts from the past here. A head bag - I was allowed one I think they were leather, mine was pink and grey.
I know at primary I wanted a rara skirt - they were from cheap shop. It was a no because common not for money reasons.
Same at secondary I wanted jeans with patches on (Bros era) and was delighted when Mum gave in and got some on market for me. It wasn’t about money it was choice.
I agree about sharing reasoning. If tv in room is because you want her watching tv with family tell her that it’s not money.
I’m imagining you are in a school like the ones around here - very nice but not diverse so yes probably every girl has a smiggle pencil case or whatever current fashion is.
It will get easier at secondary.
Do explain about costs eg train tickets, railcards, groupon etc. It’s how they learn.

[quote MeredithGreyishblue]@5128gap you've just brought back flashbacks of the gabardine mac... oh how humiliated I was. I couldn't have the other regulation "wool", quite trendy one in case it rained. Gabardine would keep me dry. It didn't. I stuffed that in my bag too!

The Army & Navy stuff was v cool![/quote]
I also had to wear tights or socks at all times as shoes without socks would damage my feet. I yearned for bare legs (common!) painted toe nails (beyond common!!) and an ankle chain (beyond words!!!) I still get a little thrill from how cool I am
with all of these now, and I'm 52!

Merideth* you've just reminded me of twins I knew in secondary school. They were extremely sheltered and lucky to have a protective group of friends, they needed it in their bright yellow sou westers complete with hats. Always matching clothes and coronation St box sets for Christmas.

Their parents meant well but really held them back and tried to keep them as children. I know one of them went off to uni, had her eyes well and truly opened and had cut off contact by her 20s. Her sister was still living at home in her 30s the last I'd heard.

l am lucky that my kids had no real desire to fit in, because it frees you of all this nonsense, and they were/ are still very popular and likeable.
I think parents should encourage free thinking instead of sheep mentality, because when you dont need the approval of others your in a much more stronger position.

This reminds me... growing up, my mum didn't like certain styles as they were considered tacky. One year it was my sister's birthday and she had a joint party with a girl in her class who was from a much more WC family. My mum had paid for something and the woman as a thank you said she would take my sister and her daughter out and buy her a dress for the party. At the time, those velvet and lamé dresses were in fashion and my sister was desperate for one but mum always said no because she thought they were common and tacky. Anyway, I remember the woman coming to pick my sister up to go shopping...then while they were out, my mum coming up to me and saying oh god,she's going to get a lamé and velvet dress isn't she?! Lo and behold she came home with the lamé and velvet dress . My mum was mortified but obviously didn't want to upset anyone so grinned and beared it and my sister wore the dress!

@Moonface123

l am lucky that my kids had no real desire to fit in, because it frees you of all this nonsense, and they were/ are still very popular and likeable. I think parents should encourage free thinking instead of sheep mentality, because when you dont need the approval of others your in a much more stronger position.

Mine too although I’m now worried that dressing them in Boden or Vertbaudet and giving them a vegetarian packed lunch was cruel on my part. I might call dd and apologise.

Oh just buy her the bloody towel and stop being so damn worthy

l am lucky that my kids had no real desire to fit in, because it frees you of all this nonsense, and they were/ are still very popular and likeable.

Neither did DD very much, but she just didn't want to really stand out as different either.

I think parents should encourage free thinking instead of sheep mentality, because when you dont need the approval of others your in a much more stronger position.

I don't think it is about sheep mentality so much as some children lack the confidence to stick their heads above the parapet, and forcing them to appear different won't give them that confidence.

As I said earlier DD has no desire to go around looking like every other 21 year old student in her university city. She isn't interested in fake tans, nails and eyelashes, or wearing skirts up to her knickers. She just dresses as she pleases and feels comfortable.

My aunt bought me a 101 Dalmatians towel when I was 10. I still have it and it's my favourite.

@MsTSwift

My mother grew up in a vicarage and was super jealous of her friends who lived in the council houses as they all lived next to each other and it seemed cooler and way more than fun than a big old house.

To be fair, I can totally understand a child disliking living in a vicarage.