DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

If you're labelled the 'weird' one for having the wrong bag, towel, coat it's not character forming. It's not a lesson in being individual. It's year after year of being isolated.

You’re not going to be labelled weird for one towel or one coat.

Kids who are isolated at school it’s usually because they’re shy, introverted, have difficulty socialising etc. Sometimes it’s because they’re super clever and serious, or naturally unconventional etc.

Silverswirl
Your approach sounds good.
I think given the OP's situation a Disney towel is a small thing to give or be flexible in the grand scheme of things.
If she was more flexible on some smaller things, it's probably easier to hold firm on the bigger demands or obsession with status symbols whwn they happen.

The Junior Engineer has an old-fashioned burner phone and he has the piss taken by some of his less charming classmates (he's 11) for having "poor" parents.
One of said classmates lost his iPhone. Holy hell ensued.
Junior Engineer is now satisfied with his burner phone, of which his parents give no shits if it gets lost or not.

Sometimes the game is worth the candle. (Which is a bloody stupid expression, isn't it?)

Of course you're right but she's too young to understand that.
I remember thinking my friend from school was like because she only ever had brown bread ffs! Like I thought white bread was posh 🙈

I’ve never know a DC that doesn’t do the ‘oh but such and such has this and all the other kids have one, stay up later than me, get more pocket money than me’ at some point in their childhood.

Haven't RTFT, so not sure if it has been suggested, but one way you could deal with it, is say fine you can this 75" TV for your room, but that means you can't do this and that and we won't be doing this (harder to do if other children are involved) for x amount of time till we can afford it. Or if say she does 4 after school clubs, say if you gave up 2 we can buy the TV in 26 weeks, give up all 4 have the TV in 13 weeks.

@Insert1x20p I think the way the OP put it sums it up there just wasn’t the focus on a Hype backpack or whatever the trend of the season is here as there was such a wide range of backgrounds, there wasn’t a common cultural reference point

I found with a mix of international backgrounds, there was a much broader outlook on things. Coming back to the UK, attending a local school, their world is suddenly so much smaller. I find the homogeneous nature of the demographic puts more pressure on children to “fit in”, where as a more wide range of culture and nationality allows a lot more freedom of expression.

Child wants something to fit in with other children = bad thing, must not be indulged, that's not the parent I am.

Adult wants child to visibly conform to how parent wishes to be seen, so that parent fits in with other parents/the group they aspire to belong to = absolutely fine, you're being a good parent.

The child wishes to feel they belong to a peer group. The adult wishes to feel they as a parent belong to another peer group and therefore ignores or dismisses their child's feelings in favour of their own.

@freshcarnation

I'm an adult. I have my own mind. I wear what I want, say what I want. I'm not particularly a fashion follower and have my own values. If I have friends that didn't agree with me well they can just piss off that's fine by me. If I worked somewhere and didn't like the ethos, then I could just move jobs.

However as a child you go to school,the same school for year after year. You are stuck with the same load of kids whether they are nice or not. If you're labelled the 'weird' one for having the wrong bag, towel, coat it's not character forming. It's not a lesson in being individual. It's year after year of being isolated.

If you're isolated at school a town isn't going to fix that

@Foolsrule I get you.

I think it’s always hard on children that age when, as a family, you dont seem to be doing things ‘the same’.

I agree that some stuff you can ease like the towel. As a one off, why not?
But for the rest, the only way I found to deal with it is to remind them what they ARE doing. The outings, the hols, the activities. I talked to them about CHOOSING where you spend your money. And I tried to be very careful to not be judgemental in any way. And to feel very confident that that way of living (wo the latest phone etc..l) is a good way to live, the right one to live FOR YOU.

I’m not sure you can do more than that. But it takes time!

My dcs are older teens now. Go to private school (paid my grand parents, WE are not that loaded lol) and at 17yo they are still discovering differences. So no we don’t have the same flashy hols than their peers. Or designer clothes etc etc But they do a LOT of (much cheaper) activities that they love. They are rarely at home during hols or weekends thanks to that. Etc…
They really appreciate that and are only realising how that their friends usually spend 5 weeks of the summer hols at home and one week on a very fancy trip. So NOW they feel privileged.

I’d also be ready to see your dc actually developping another idea of what it means to have a good life and what is important or not….. They can sometimes surprise you!

@EdenFlower - thank you. That’s exactly what I needed.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable - yes, thank you. Good advice.

Maybe she feels like she isn't being listened to and just wants a little bit of control over what she has? I mean sometimes I get things that I both want and need. So if I am buying towels for instance I don't just buy the first ones I see, I pick which ones I want. My dd is 11 too and she likes to pick which one of the things that she needs that she wants if that makes sense? She has a very defined sense of style even at 11 and it makes her feel good to have things that she feels represents who she is, I know I did too as a teen. It isn't about being consumerist at all, we aren't rich enough for that lark it is more about carefully selecting the things that she needs. I think it shows her that she matters too, her opinion matters.

Getting a phone when she goes to high school is what we did.

However, perhaps slightly before start of summer maybe as they need a chance to get used to it.

Be prepared for phone getting lost, dropped, left behind etc at first. Make sure you know how to block number, and how to replace or track it.

If mine is anything to go by it takes a while for them to learn how to deal with tech.

DD wanted one. It’s a nope. Would rather try to educate on why it’s insane to line the pockets of a rich designer with your hard earned money when you can get the same quality for a third of the price. This comes from not buying everything for them. DD can earn money from me if she wishes and buy the bag. However it would take a hell of a lot of chores and work to get that much. When she actually has saved, she realised that she could get a cheaper bag she liked and still have lots of money left for other things she liked and needed.

This - it's easy to manage this parenting skill quite rationally. This is v likely what I would do as well.

She needs help to understand financial decisions and how to prioritise.
I read a newspaper article today (non-English outlet, sadly) that advised to educate your children on finances, by making clear that every choice has consequences. As an example they used buying biscuits. With 1.50 quid, you could buy 6 fancy biscuits, or a bigger pack of cheaper, less fancy, ones. Let the children make the choice.

Your DD can have her preferred towel, but what is she willing to trade in for it as compensation? Not joining in with a McDonalds Happy Meal next time? Will she go 50/50 with you, and put some of her pocket money in, etc.? Or will she remain happy with her perfectly fine current towel?

At her age, my parents incorporated me in house buying decisions. They literally sat me down and asked me if we should go for a bigger house, but with less money available for holidays and hobbies, or a slightly smaller one, while keeping holidays and hobbies at the same level. We ended up agreeing on the latter option. It helped clarifying that we cannot have it all and everything comes with compromise.

I think it shows her that she matters too, her opinion matters. really agree with this - such an important part of parenting instead of hacking away at a child's self esteem.

I would buy the towel.

There are still plenty of ways of sticking to your values, and of teaching her your values.

I still remember how I felt not being allowed anything quite right.
Shell suit - the stall on the market sold them. It's where everyone had one from. Not me. Mine was M&S and marketed at old women.
School bag - Head. Everyone had Head. Not me. I had a leather briefcase. "Good" leather. Apparently.
I was never allowed long hair. Nor a perm. Nor to watch Grange Hill / read Judy Blume / play out in the streets with everyone else.

We were faaaar from wealthy. My opinion just didn't matter and it affected my confidence.

Every day, I try to make sure my children don't feel like this.

I'd let her choose. Does she want the Disney towel or to do X on such and such day.

The earlier children understand that there isn't a magic money tree and life is about choosing what things you want more the better for them.

Give a thing to get a thing.

Me and DB went through a phase in primary school of not having “branded” clothes etc. It changed when we were about 8 onwards and DM got us clothes and toys which were more what everyone else had.

I recall we couldn’t afford plastic packed lunch boxes/flasks but had packed lunch boxes and at a pub the crisps had a promotion on where you collected tokens and sent off for them, hence us buying and eating crisps over 1-2 days at the pub and then sending off for the lunch boxes and flasks! But DM didn’t like plastic tat I think .

My parents rarely got me the 'in' thing even though they could afford it. As an adult I totally appreciate why they didn't and do the same with my kids. I'd stick to your guns. Having said that, I remember the excitement of my parents buying me fancy trainers once. Nothing wrong with the odd treat!

@IncompleteSenten - my DM had similar, not allowed to watch Grange Hill but watched it in secret or at friends houses.

Pity your opinion didn’t matter. I recall my DM taking me for highlights and taking me back as they weren’t blonde enough and then a couple of years later taking me for me first perm - I had opinions but was quite shy and no idea what suited me (both hair options did!).

@Foolsrule

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

I dont have any ideas but I remember in one school I went, there were both some of the poorest kids and some of the richest. The rich kids would say for example "Next Wednesday, everyone should bring X in their lunchbox or you are no longer part of our group". Many times they didnt voice it but we knew. My parents always said, you will get what we give. I felt hard done by. Decades later, I have gone back over and over to this lesson and its become more relevant now with social media. I have gained massive massive respect for my parents for this because I know many parents that went to great expense for their kids to fit in. Keep explaining and loving. She might not get it now, but she will one day

My parents decided on music and dancing lessons. I just wanted a bike.