A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

I second the suggestion re having a mobile hairdresser. That's just what I did and, since she had children, she was fine with them interrupting. Liverbird77 - thanks for the hug, it is much appreciated. It wasn't a great few years all things considered!

@Mirw The OP isn’t expecting a regular gig. It’s a rare ask because she’s on her own with two young kids that weekend. Her parents did choose to have her so I think it’s fair to expect a parent to give you a hand every so often. That’s just what loving parents do surely?

My parents are the same. "Doting" grandparents but what that actually means is they only like to see the kids when we are there too.
They never ever ask to have the kids over, 2 trips out in 8 years, no overnight stays.
My mum makes no secret of the fact she finds my 5yr old DS hard work (just a normal typical boy) and always asks if it's time for him to go to bed.

Funnily enough my mum is same that she comes round, plonks herself on the sofa and doesn't move all day - not even to put the kettle on.
I don't think she ever even changed a nappy of either 2 kids and my husband worked nights so I really could have done with some help.

It sucks, so I sympathise OP. I hope you manage to get your hair done and some 'me' time.

OP, all I can do is send you 💐 and say I completely understand how you feel. DD, now 15 has minimal contact with my DM. My own M has looked after her for maybe 5-6 hours in total her entire life, and made me feel incredibly useless and guilty any time she has. I will add that the two occasions I asked for help I was absolutely desperate (husband working abroad, I couldn’t change shifts). Once she even wanted me to pay her! And yes, we have previously hosted her for Christmas etc and she treats me and DH like servants and my house like a hotel. Before lockdown I just started stepping away. We always found ways to manage and we got through the early years with no family help from my side so nothing to miss. Now DD has minimal contact. We do use FaceTime quite a bit but my M just talks about herself and ignores DD. Or tells her that she will probably die soon (my M, not DD!) so will probably never see DD again.
No solutions but sending you love x

OP - Don't suppose you're in north Cornwall? If you are, let's meet up and help each other out! I'm often on my own for days (and sometimes a week at a time) with my 2yo and 8 month old. I don't get much time for me either. Both parents passed away, FIL passed away and MIL has limited mobility and suspected early dementia. Siblings are hours away (and one is on another continent). I don't have any real support. x

I can see their point of view, it’s short notice, just for a hair appointment, all afternoon, involving a bit of a convoluted journey for them and caring for 2 very little ones. Parents find their own toddlers stressful enough, having responsibility for someone else’s doubly so. Not only are toddlers prone to melting down if something not quite right but more prone to accidents etc, to be caring 2 that age is definitely not something I would relish. Do they still work full time too? Perhaps not what they had been looking forward to on their precious day off. Despite all this they’ve still agreed to do it but can’t be expected to be over the moon about it. Can understand you being sad if was emergency and they were refusing to help but this isn’t. Do find a lot parents forget all the hard work their parents did raising them and quick to criticise them for not falling over to help out with the grandchildren too. I’ll look forward to enjoying time with my grandchildren with their parents there, buying them presents etc and then having them over or taking them out for the day once they are 4-5 and happy to occasionally babysit in the evenings, help out in emergencies etc. Don’t understand parents who complain grandparents don’t give up there long awaited retirement to save them on nursery fees etc.

Erm… exactly why do you have them over for Xmas? They must think you’re ok with current arrangements. Don’t invite them and see what happens.

[quote Liverbird77]@NotSorry yes! The irony is that growing up my grandparents lived next door. I'd go to them every afternoon after school and usually have tea there and stay the night too!
They were always taking me to things, including bingo and crown green bowling, but I absolutely adored them and enjoyed it all.
Grandma even took me abroad twice on her own.

Of course now history has been re-written and I am told they never babysat!!!![/quote]
You stayed overnight every night after school? So 5 days a week? Jesus your parents sound bloody appalling

I am really happy with the hairdresser and normally it wouldn't have been a problem. It was just an unfortunate lack of communication on this occasion. I hardly ever go, don't need 12 weekly appointments but just wanted a bit of time to myself. On my own. To read. Relax. Just for once.
I totally get that a hair appointment isn't an emergency and I will actually be cancelling it tomorrow. I can't leave the kids to wake up to an unfamiliar person, it's not fair on them.

@Lifethroughlenses exactly right. I would absolutely not expect them to babysit every time I had my hair done. I've never asked them before. It was strictly a one off ask.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, it's opened a lot of wounds. It's not about getting my hair done it is the attitude. Just as they don't have any obligation towards me, I have no obligation towards them. It's not the way I wanted things to be, but here we are.
There's a lot more to the issues with our relationship. Much more serious issues. It's funny in a way that something as insignificant as a haircut has brought everything to a head.

To anyone who is still saying that they are my children and my parents have no obligation to help me, please can you stop? I get it and I agree actually. They have no obligation.
Please can you read some of the things we have done/would be prepared to do for them though? Mutual help and support is how normal, functional families work.
You may not have read all my previous posts, but I explained that my grandparents lived next door growing up and they relied on them heavily for free childcare, although now they are trying to re-write history and say they didn't. Their attitude is fucking rich and hypocritical.

Wow. Another long post. Sorry everyone. I am feeling really raw today. And again, for those who haven't quite understood... it's not about the bloody hair appointment!

@girlmom21

My mothers useless with my kids so I don't bother with her anymore

That aside, if you can't cope well with your own children how do you imagine that your less-than-interested parents will cope with them?

Wow! Op wants ONE hairdressers appointment - first in months & months and you twist that to mean she "can't cope" WTAF

@Liverbird77

And while I'm at it, bloody hats off to anybody who does do this alone day in and day out. It is hard work.

Disabled single parent with no father 🙋🏼‍♀️ Yep, it's really hard. You soon get in a routine though. I still get jealous of those who can hand their kids to their husbands when they need to make a phone call or a quick lie down etc or can send their husband to the shop for that milk you forgot to buy. Generally though you very quickly get used to it. The hardest struggle with it is mentally...

We had the same problem when ours were young. DHs parents were too elderly and far away to help. SIL has never remembered their birthdays despite us always remembering our neices.

My DF is not interested. DM did babysit but I had to pay her! And she rarely wanted to do it and moaned alot.

I remember once she pointed out a neighbour who was looking after her GC and said how she'd been 'done over ' by her children as she was providing regular childcare. I knew from then what her real attitude was.

In the end we got a babysitter and the GPs lament how they never see their teen GCs.

It used to pee me off when I saw GPs in the park or out and about with their GC or when they took them out for the day. Everyone else seemed to get childcare in the holidays with the GC going to stay with GPs for a week or so. None of that for us.

On a positive note, we've always managed by using babysitters etc and I know exactly what I will do when I'm hopefully a GP.

@Almostmenopausal thank you! Yes, that post made me pretty annoyed too!

I "cope" with them every single day, and I am happy to do so. I think I had said I was less than impressed with my husband buggering off for a long weekend because a one and two year old are hard work for three days alone! I think anyone who has had two kids with a small age gap would get it!!

And again, for those criticising my husband, he is a fantastic dad. He has dropped the ball with this and he is really apologetic.
I don't begrudge him time away, which he has also offered me at a later date should I want it. It's just going to be challenging.

Oh just stop doing all this shit for her. Fuck Christmas. I dare you. Come on. You're an adult. Just do your own family. Your husband has to sort out help since he is going away and is an idiot for not asking you.

@Almostmenopausal and, having read your second post, you're a fucking hero.

Seriously, kudos.

@SunshineCake1 if you read upthread, I have cancelled all plans. I am just not prepared to do it. I am not a martyr!

@Liverbird77

I am really happy with the hairdresser and normally it wouldn't have been a problem. It was just an unfortunate lack of communication on this occasion. I hardly ever go, don't need 12 weekly appointments but just wanted a bit of time to myself. On my own. To read. Relax. Just for once. I totally get that a hair appointment isn't an emergency and I will actually be cancelling it tomorrow. I can't leave the kids to wake up to an unfamiliar person, it's not fair on them.

@Lifethroughlenses exactly right. I would absolutely not expect them to babysit every time I had my hair done. I've never asked them before. It was strictly a one off ask.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, it's opened a lot of wounds. It's not about getting my hair done it is the attitude. Just as they don't have any obligation towards me, I have no obligation towards them. It's not the way I wanted things to be, but here we are.
There's a lot more to the issues with our relationship. Much more serious issues. It's funny in a way that something as insignificant as a haircut has brought everything to a head.

To anyone who is still saying that they are my children and my parents have no obligation to help me, please can you stop? I get it and I agree actually. They have no obligation.
Please can you read some of the things we have done/would be prepared to do for them though? Mutual help and support is how normal, functional families work.
You may not have read all my previous posts, but I explained that my grandparents lived next door growing up and they relied on them heavily for free childcare, although now they are trying to re-write history and say they didn't. Their attitude is fucking rich and hypocritical.

Wow. Another long post. Sorry everyone. I am feeling really raw today. And again, for those who haven't quite understood... it's not about the bloody hair appointment!

I get it. I want my mother to WANT to spend time with her grandchildren and WANT to support me. Sadly I don’t think either of us will get it

@BurnedToast sorry you had that experience.
I know what you mean about feeling jealous of others like that.

We'll probably occasionally use a babysitter when they are older. For now, we don't need one. This was a one-off situation.

@Helpstopthepain sorry you're in the same boat. It really sucks.

@Liverbird77 Are you anywhere near HG2 or LS19/22 ?? Happy to help if so. Have a child myself who would be there too :) 💇🏼‍♀️

@Almostmenopausal bless you, but no - we are in the North West. Tell you what though, if we had been closer geographically, I would have been happy to host play dates to give you a much- needed break! X

I am so sorry @Liverbird77
You are so right that gp’s are not obligated to help but it doesn’t stop it hurting. I have lost both of my parents and we are nc with my in laws and I used to get so jealous of other children spending time with their loving grandparents. Luckily my children are a bit older now but I absolutely feel your pain. I wonder where abouts in the NW you are as I am also in the NW and don’t work Fridays

I can't believe you're getting such a hard time, OP. "Can't cope" with your kids because you want to get your hair done as a one-off? Only on MN!

I would be really upset in your shoes too. Yes, your DH dropped the ball with the calendar, but your DP said yes to helping, then backtracked. You came up with a great alternative at your expense that involved them not having to lift a finger while being there for your kids and still they said no. That's really, really shitty and I don't blame you for losing your temper. I'm sorry you had to cancel the appt – is it worth having a word with your stylist to see if she ever does private home appts so you can get it done before Xmas that way?

I am an only child and had the one son (now 25) and my (divorced) parents were the same as yours OP. I was a single mum for a large part of my sons younger days and my parents did nothing to help me. They would not babysit (my mothers partner said I was using her!), they wouldn't come and visit, I had to go to them and they absolutely never invited me and my boy out for lunch, trip to the zoo or anything. I swear both of them were missing some sort of maternal gene.

Ahh I hear ya. It’s shit isn’t it!

My DM lived abroad but when she did come to the U.K. she would fly in via the airport 20 mins from my house, visit friends, and then fly home again without even mentioning she was coming to the U.K.!! She’d be here and back and I wouldn’t even know about it! Zero interest in seeing her grandchildren. My DB found this really upsetting but I came to terms with it long ago. My DF is slightly better in that he does want a relationship with his GC but has no clue how to interact with them! He babysat for us once (on my birthday a few years ago when some old friends had come all the way to visit me and take me out for a night out). My DF rang me at 11pm and said he’d had enough and wanted to go home now (kids were asleep! Put to bed by me before I went out! We’d given him dinner and a bottle of wine and said we would pay for his taxi home). I said “oh, but it’s my birthday and my friends have come all this way” and he said no no, he wanted to go home now. He was in his late 60s for reference so not an elderly GP! I had to go home. Then he got a cab (refused an Uber as he prefers to use a cab firm of his own preference). Went home. Fare was £11 which he had to pay as he wouldn’t get an Uber. I said I would reimburse him. He hounded me for three days for his £11 reimbursement. Kept leaving messages and texts about it. (He isn’t poor by any means!)
I gave up asking either of them. They obviously had no interest really.

My DM died a few years ago now and she had no relationship with her GC. She was a great mum growing up but in her older years it just clearly wasn’t her thing. I made my peace with it. My DB still gets upset about it.

My PIL were great. I was so lucky! But I’m divorced from my XDH now so sadly no babysitters on tap for me now.

But it’s really carp isn’t it. The contrast between those who cherish their GC and those who seem not to give a shit. Don’t take it personally. They’re the ones missing out. Xx