A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

I would be pissed off as well op.
Well well. Do the same.
Don’t invite them anymore. Plan Christmas somewhere else(or invite friends over instead of your ungrateful parents)…that birthday party out, forget about it.. “sorry, I have two children that are a hand full and I am not willing to take them out for your birthday, babysitters are hard to find, and your husband can’t be bothered to do you a favour meh”- give her of her own medicine.

I had the same problem with some grandparents of my children before.. I moved town, she followed us for an uninvited visit… then I moved country and I got rid of them lol…. They could never help when I was near anyway. Their loss !

You will get used to sort your own life independent of selfish people, trust me :)

Find a neighbour or a teenager that would like some extra £ for your days out and keep her as your best friend .. you won’t ever need anyone else 😉

PS: They never gave me a penny for anything either. Father passed 6 months ago and I haven't been contacted by anyone regarding a will so I guess there's nothing there. Mother leaving everything to a donkey sanctuary!

@Liverbird77

I am really happy with the hairdresser and normally it wouldn't have been a problem. It was just an unfortunate lack of communication on this occasion. I hardly ever go, don't need 12 weekly appointments but just wanted a bit of time to myself. On my own. To read. Relax. Just for once. I totally get that a hair appointment isn't an emergency and I will actually be cancelling it tomorrow. I can't leave the kids to wake up to an unfamiliar person, it's not fair on them.

@Lifethroughlenses exactly right. I would absolutely not expect them to babysit every time I had my hair done. I've never asked them before. It was strictly a one off ask.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, it's opened a lot of wounds. It's not about getting my hair done it is the attitude. Just as they don't have any obligation towards me, I have no obligation towards them. It's not the way I wanted things to be, but here we are.
There's a lot more to the issues with our relationship. Much more serious issues. It's funny in a way that something as insignificant as a haircut has brought everything to a head.

To anyone who is still saying that they are my children and my parents have no obligation to help me, please can you stop? I get it and I agree actually. They have no obligation.
Please can you read some of the things we have done/would be prepared to do for them though? Mutual help and support is how normal, functional families work.
You may not have read all my previous posts, but I explained that my grandparents lived next door growing up and they relied on them heavily for free childcare, although now they are trying to re-write history and say they didn't. Their attitude is fucking rich and hypocritical.

Wow. Another long post. Sorry everyone. I am feeling really raw today. And again, for those who haven't quite understood... it's not about the bloody hair appointment!

I understand, and I agree with what you've said. They are obviously people who take and don't give. Our two were 8 and 6 years old before they stayed at their grandparents for a week - it was our 10th anniversary and we went away on holiday. Grandparents were absolutely thrilled. They frequently took our boys on fab days out and would have dropped everything to babysit, even though we were a 40 min drive away. My in-laws, sadly no longer with us. The best type of people who left our two in no doubt that they were very much loved. BTW - your husband needs a kick up the bum, too xx

my mum is exactly the same as this. she has never onece volunteered to play with my daughter and only done it a handful of times when i have literally forced her to. my daughter always ended up crying after 2 mnis, god knows what my mum did bt that was the end of the game. the punchline is that she lives with us!! never once looked after my daughter or initiated anything with her. completely ignores me too. then moans to strangers that shes lonely and didnt think her life would end up like this. Look up narcissistic personality disorder, it may throw some light on your situation, read deep into it tho.

I hope you find someone to help OP. I get how you feel. Pp who focus on it as childcare don’t get it. I would love my DCs grandparents to have an active interest in them- regardless of whether they babysat. It is so hard not to feel that pang when you see other grandparents doting on the DGC. My DP are divorced, but both are quite distant and have no interest in my DC. It hurts more with my DF as he does spend a lot of time with one of my Dsis DC. He even mixes up my DDs who look very different- one image of me the other image of DH. FIL is an alcoholic who is only interested in himself and eldest DNephew. I struggle that now my DM is retired she wants more contact with me- but still has no interest in DGC, she just uses me as a sounding board to talk at. She’s very good at being a Facebook grandparent/mother though!

I feel for you. My in laws have very little to do with my children despite living down the road. I have no family around here and my husband works away a lot and whilst I don’t expect them to look after my children I feel sad that my children don’t have a bond with them. .

Its annoying because when my husband was little his mum and dad were out every weekend and he would stop over at his grandparents. They also helped out with the school run, did the ironing and walked their dog whilst they were at work. I wouldn’t expect nor want this but if we do go anywhere I ask my parents who live 3 hours away to come up and babysit. Like others have said I feel more sad for my children that they are missing out. Both in-laws work part time, are early fifties and are fit and healthy. My parents work full time but love having my children and take them out to nice places when they do come up. I am just so grateful my children have a good relationship with them at least.

Gee most GPs cant wait to look after little ones, I know I can't. I would totally stop running around them as much. So sorry, it is shit for you to have such a lack of support. Have to say your DH is not coming off too well either!

They are your children and your responsibility. You chose to have them. Your parents have done their stint when parenting you. I’m always amazed by all of the comments moaning that the grandparents don’t do enough, just grow the fuck up and act like an adult. It’s really quite simple - your children = your responsibility. End of.

I'd only agree with you bag, if the GPS in question had done all the childcare, plus working with absolutely no input from their own parents and in laws. Frequently it seems as if some current grandparents were very quick to avail themselves of the free childcare, often while one of them never woh. Now their dcs have grown up, they don't want to return the favour. But they do want the royal treatment at Christmas and birthdays.

Everyone here is a grown up as far as I can see. Some grown ups are just quite lazy and were happy to do the minimum during their "stint" as parents. Now they're gps, it's little surprise that again they wish to do the minimum. Some people are just programmed that way. But they will reap what they sow when they maybe do want something from family in the future.

[quote Liverbird77]@ittakes2 perhaps you need to get your iron levels checked or something? I am 44 and my husband is 46 and we are coping fine.

I think it's very rare that someone aged 50 couldn't cope with two kids for five hours in a house where everything had been prepped, they have a playroom, a garden and a television![/quote]
Wow you are so unpleasant! And yes, it is very tall order to expect them to look after a one and two year old, who will notice Mummy is missing and cannot be reasoned with because they are too young. Five hours! Your parents must be old people if you are 44 - I feel bad for them with all those awful comments about their home, their choice of a rural life, the fact your Mum doesn't want to drive a car. Just awful.

OP yanbu at all. I would tell them how letdown you feel and how sad that they don’t want to be part of your children’s lives. They may change their ways and if not you know to treat them as they treat you.
All these people saying ‘grandparents can’t be expected to help and why should they etc’. I feel so sorry for you. I would do anything for my children and grandchildren. Literally anything. I find it so sad that you don’t have that incredible love for yours.

Fuck me, all these posters saying that the parents don't have to help and OP is unreasonable are clearly disinterested grandparents in the making themselves. It's a one off for Christ's sake! My mum falls over herself to help me and she's a widow. I had to go and pick DH up from the airport very late one night last week as an emergency and she dragged herself out of her sickbed to come and sit with DS. That's the kind of Grandmother I intend to be. I can't imagine not wanting to help.

@Pascal80 have you actually read this thread? Have you? Because if you have then I think you are the unpleasant one.

As for the "comments about their home" you have no fucking idea what you are talking about. Who is going to have to end up sorting this all out? Me and my husband. Nobody else to share the load.
It's so bad that we can't even visit. Nobody visits. My mum can't wash properly because she needs a shower but my dad won't sort it out.
We have NEVER been for a meal with them.

The rural location comment - I had to grow up there. It is isolated. I was isolated. They are going to struggle. I had to travel an hour each way to school. Why? Because my dad was too selfish to move.

If you've read the thread then you'll notice that I found a fucking babysitter but they can only work between 3-6, so I asked if they could sit with them while they nap between 1-3 and then the babysitter, who they KNOW would be there to do all the practical stuff when they woke up.

Did you read that we run around after them? That I was about to drive over to take her out for her birthday? To host the them at Christmas YET AGAIN? That we drove out of our way with the kids to do their shopping and deliver it to their door during lockdown? That we bought and sorted out her phone?

The last time they "babysat" was 2019 when I was giving birth. They stayed here for two days and my husband waited on them hand and fucking foot, nipping out when he could. That he arrived late on in my labour because they needed their fucking breakfast eggs. That when we came home from hospital he cooked them a meal? It didn't occur to them to do so for us, the exhausted new parents.
That they had asked me if there was anyone else to look after THEIR GRANDSON while I gave birth, including our old neighbour?

I'm fucking done. Really fucking done.
I asked for help once. I tried to pay to facilitate it for them.

I understand your disappointment completely. The reality for many is grandparents arent as interested as we'd imagined they would be.

I agree totally with the poster who said stop inviting them, don't ask for help, don't have them round for Christmas. Get a childminder. You will feel so much less resentment and hurt once you do all this and get used to it. Just cut them away a bit and see what happens.
I'd rather have no childcare than deal with that soul destroying moaning martyr routine when they reluctantly agree to help

@BagpussDearBagpuss

They are your children and your responsibility. You chose to have them. Your parents have done their stint when parenting you. I’m always amazed by all of the comments moaning that the grandparents don’t do enough, just grow the fuck up and act like an adult. It’s really quite simple - your children = your responsibility. End of.

I'm guessing in a couple of decades your children might end up on this forum having a little rant about the lack of interest and lack of helping hand you offer for your grandchildren whilst watching other gp's just like 90% on this thread who have supported OP going above and beyond being doting GP's invested in their grandchildren and doing everything to offer support for their children.

When my mother gave birth to my little sister, she had to leave me and my older sister at a neighbours house until my dad came back from work as my parents's immediate family lived abroad. It takes a village to raise a kid and unfortunately op doesn't have that village. Op also mentioned she delivered shopping etc to her parents front door at the height of the pandemic and looks out for them regularly. This is what it means to be a family. I'm lucky in that sense where I have a supportive family myself and I know if I ever get run over and end up in hospital, I know my family would step up and my son would be taken care of. Op if we lived close by, I would take your two little ones for you to get your hair done. I have a 2.5 yo and he would be thrilled to have company.

@Ginger1982 spot on. Also for those saying they are OP’s kids and responsibility. Yes of course but OP is THEIR kid. Normal parents love and want to help their kids if they need a hand. And the OP obviously does need a hand on this occasion. It’s a total reasonable ask of a child to their own parents. Some of these posts are making me realise why some grandparents are the way they are. I sincerely hope I am never ever that selfie with my own kids. Hell, surely most normal people would lend a hand to a neighbour or more distant relative let alone their own kids in these circumstances.

@BagpussDearBagpuss yeah, whatever. My grandparents looked after me every day after school, throughout every school holiday, frequently stayed the night in the week and was picked up by the school Landover from their door.
When I was ill with Measles whose house did I stay in? Mumps? Yes, my grandparents' house.

They might have done their "stint" but did they fuck do it alone.
As I said, it was a one-off request in order to help me out.
Funnily enough, they'd have been able to get here two weeks later to be waited on over Christmas!

Your parents don't owe you anything with babysitting. They are your kids. Pay for a babysitter.

I understand both sides in this situation OP. Weirdly enough I am both in your position and your parents.

I became a grandparent (step) at a really young age (32). Not long after I had my first child, followed by my second a couple of years later. Neither my parent or my DH parents have ever babysat, no sleep overs, no invites for lunch or dinner. My DH and I both work, opposite shifts to each other, in order to cover childcare.
I have grown up step children who have children and I'm pretty sure I'm viewed as a terrible grandparent as I dont babysit their children. I am busy with my own, and my job, and my home and looking after an elderly parent. I have no desire to add even more work to my workload. I love my grandchildren dearly and I spend a fair amount of time with them, but all of them, as family unit, rather than babysitting.

They sound really really selfish and I would be very annoyed at them OP.

@GoGadgetGo

Your parents don't owe you anything with babysitting. They are your kids. Pay for a babysitter.

Yeah and they are their grandchildren, they don’t HAVE to do anything but most grandparents like to help out a bit when they can, they’re happy to accept her hospitality but don’t help her out once in a while when she’s stuck for childcare.

My parents were the same —- I swear they thought children were aliens.
Your parents—- they’ll “ try to change a nappy”??? It’s not rocket science.

Give up. I did, it’s not worth the hassle. Get a baby sitter for the afternoon, send your mother and birthday gift or Moonpig some flowers to her. Tell her you’re having a quiet Christmas this year, or just don’t issue the invite.

I feel your frustration. Even in a medical emergency situation my parents questioned whether their help was really necessary…..

OP is there any chance your hairdresser might be able to arrange with one of her other clients that your appointment is swapped with another a few days or a week later than yours? Someone else might be happy to have an earlier one.

@GoGadgetGo again, it doesn't seem like you've read the thread.
I agree. They don't owe me any help. I've decided that this goes both ways so I've told them today not to expect any further assistance from us, and that all invites have been rescinded.

Did you read the bit about the babysitter? Because again, it doesn't seem like you have.
I am willing to pay for a sitter. I explained it all above.

I also said how shit I am feeling today. Perhaps, if you're going to bother commenting, make sure you know all the facts first.

@FliesAreMad it's worth asking. Thank you for the suggestion.
I don't have many windows of opportunity because I do so many activities with the kids, we have things on every day. Friday afternoons are our only "free" time.