A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

@AreYouRightThereSkippy I know. As well as the tickets, we've bought quite a few other gifts too for the pair of them. I've even got a keyring done with a photo of her and the kids. The scales have completely fallen from my eyes now. They won't have made any effort or put any thought into anything for us. They transfer cash for the kids and I've had to order and wrap presents. I am so, so done.

Oh @Liverbird77 I'm fuming on your behalf at your latest update!!!! WTF! I don't blame you for backing off now. Not one little bit. Stick to your guns!

Why are you still asking them to babysit, they don’t want to do it? You’ve booked a babysitter, why not change your hair appointment and have something done that takes 2 hours, a wash cut and colour or something.

Oh @Liverbird77 that's awful. They sound very much like my ILs except they'd never say out loud they can't be arsed, it's just very obvious from their actions.

They can also shove Christmas - they were invited but said no as they'd rather sit alone at home, just like they do every day of the year. Any minute now they'll send me a text saying 'if you come and pick up money you can choose something for the kids from us for Christmas'.

They can, in short, fuck off.

@Chippymunks are you serious? They initially said they would do it, then said they couldn't cope with the kids. I found a solution, which would mean they didn't have any physical work to do whatsoever. Now they are totally refusing.
I think you've missed the point of the thread tbh. It's about lack of family support/involvement/interest. I am no longer "still asking them". I've got it. I can't ask them for any help. They can't ask is either. Our family just got a bit smaller today and I am actually heartbroken.

My hair appointment takes as long as it takes. If I can't sort it then I'll cancel it.

@PAFMO

Change the appt / get a babysitter. Stop inviting them.

This. I feel for you, we didn’t get any help from grandparents either, zero. They wanted to be part of the kids’ lives, and to see them, but not help us out. It did hurt because they helped with the grandchildren that came before ours. If we needed someone to look after them for a few hours when they were little we took them to a childminder who was able to take them at odd times (many aren’t though).

Yeah. I have said I'll cancel the appointment if I can't sort it.
I've tried to get a babysitter...see upthread.
I've asked every childminder I know and none do one offs like this.
I have nobody else to ask.
I have cancelled all other plans with them but I am so upset. I am an only child. I have one uncle and three cousins, however there was a family rift growing up which means we didn't see each other for years and are consequently not close.
My husband is from another country so all relatives on that side of the family are a long way away.
This goes beyond a simple hair appointment.
I feel very alone right now. I am very envious when I see adult siblings with close relationships, parents who at least take a turn to host Christmas and are involved in their kids/grandkids lives and big extended families. Before this gets criticised, yes, I realise some people aren't close within large families but many are.
I hope we can give our kids a different experience growing up.

OP, I'm sorry your parents are like this. You must feel very alone right now. Fortunately your husband is great, so you have a solid team. Other people have a bigger team and it is okay to be sad that your parents aren't supportive.

@riverpebbles thank you so much. I don't normally post like this but you are right, I feel very alone.

So sorry to see your update. I have been there and it really is shit.

A few thoughts.

Children aren’t stupid and although yours are very young as they grow they know who is and who isn’t genuinely interested in them. Your parents will be the ones who miss out in the long run.

You now know where you stand. It hurts at the moment but going forward that knowledge is valuable. You sound lovely and I fear as they age you may start to feel some obligation and guilt. Read about FOG now and prepare yourself.

When your children start nursery/school put out some feelers for people in a similar situation. Having a friend or neighbour you can turn to in an emergency is vital when you have no family to help. Of course you have to reciprocate but in my experience people don’t mind helping as long as you are not a cheeky fucker and take the piss.

Hell would freeze over before I gave them the ballet tickets. If you can’t get a refund or sell them on I would offer them to a charity to raffle.

Take care of yourself

@Liverbird77

We invite them because otherwise my mum would have a crap day. Our house is much more comfortable. There's never reciprocity though, for a variety of reasons, all of which piss me off.

When I call her out on lack of involvement, she cites the distance between our houses and says she "can't afford to come every week", as if I am asking her for regular childcare!!
Never mind once a week, once a month or two would be nice! Not to babysit either, just to spend time with us.

I totally get that they don't have any obligation to help us out. I just don't understand why they wouldn't help as a one off. I would've thought that's what family normally would do.

They are good at handing out money (never asked for) or unwanted clothes and showing photos to their friends. Sometimes you just need practical help though.

Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

Thats not your problem though, she'll have a crap day, but thats of her own making

I feel your pain on this one. Of course they have no obligation to help but I can absolutely understand why them not wanting to help makes you sad. I don’t really get why some grandparents are like that. Surely it’s lovely to spend time with little people who love you unconditionally?

My parents are amazing but they worked out early doors that the way to see your grandkids a lot is to be really really helpful and make it clear that they love spending time with them. Consequently they have a very close relationship even though they love a fair distance away. I think you have to accept that it is the way it is. But your parents then have to accept that they will see you and the kids less.

They are your children... My parents were very clear when we got to be adults. Don't expect us to look after your children, should you have them. My brothers all have children and live far away. Mum and Dad visited them for holidays and would take the kids away for a week when there. No other input except online/phone. Works for everyone except one lot of grandchildren who never see grandparents and had no relationship with them due to their father's strangeness and weird ideas.

Answer to your question... They are your children and sometimes grandparents do not want to be hands on. And that is okay!

I’d take the kids to the hairdressers with you. The baby will probably sleep with all the noise and stimulation and the two year-old can play at your feet or the juniors will play with him/her between jobs. Most hairdressers are lovely and understanding and while it may not be ideal, it will be workable. Give them a ring in advance and explain and leave a really generous tip and/ or a Christmas gift.

If you are near me, I'll babysit

It's so unfair of your parents to keep taking without giving back and I think I'd have other plans for Christmas this year if I were you; that's if you can do it without any guilt. They probably won't get the message though by the sound of them.

So pleased it wasn't just my mother who was like this. Even when I was ill, she wouldn't help out. 15 minutes away by bus but I would have paid for a taxi. I then ended up caring for her in her last few years.

No no no.please do not take your two children to the hairdressers for a 5 hour appointment on a busy Friday.

Yes @Mirw it is fine for grandparents not to be hands on as long as it is also fine for their children not to be hands on with them in return.

I hardly call looking after two children for a few hours for one afternoon hands on. It is helping out a family member in an emergency.

I don't have anything useful to add, except that if it makes you feel any better my mother once walked my daughter around town in her pushchair while I had a tooth out. She handed her back 45 minutes later and left me to it. That's the only time she's helped in 8.5 years... I've just come to terms with the fact that's she was shitty mum and an equally shitty grandparent tbh

Is getting a balayage an emergency?

Don't worry...I wouldn't take the kids with me! It would be absolute carnage!!!

Thanks to everyone who has been so nice with the supportive comments.

As I said upthread, I've been reflecting on this and I've made it very clear that we won't be helping them out in future. They'll have to manage on their own, which will be difficult for them if both stop driving.

@Suja1 a big hug for you. It's such a shit situation to be in.

I will look for others in the same boat. Trouble is, when you have more than one child, it can sometimes be hard to find someone in a similar situation, especially with two fairly close in age. I will look though.

Your parents sound lazy. I wouldn’t be running around them either, not now and not in the future. I would sit down with them and explain in black and white how you feel.
Re hairdresser, get a mobile hairdresser who comes round when your children nap. Book her in every 12 weeks etc. I have had this since my children were babies.

@Chippymunks

Is getting a balayage an emergency?

I don't think that's the point of the thread. Top marks for pointless sarcasm though.