A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

@TerribleCustomerCervix yes, they are in their 70s, hence I don't usually ask them for any help.

My plan was for me to take the kids to their playgroup until 12, which is just over the road. I was then going to bring them home, give them lunch and put them down for their naps before leaving at one. They are usually knackered and could potentially sleep for up to three hours. My parents would just need to be in the house.

When they woke up, they could play with their toys, parents could read a story and they could watch Bluey on TV... it's their favourite and we have all episodes. They wouldn't have to leave the house or do any heavy lifting, apart from change the you get one's nappy once or twice at most.
I would have prepped their dinner which would just need to be heated. Kids can feed themselves.

I would brush their teeth when I got home, shower them, put pjs on and put them to bed.
Every step would have been taken to ensure it was as easy for them as possible.

WHY do you host them at christmas?

My MIL told me that no they couldn't help with a nursery pick up beside their house because FIL was just going out to walk their dog and the dig had already seen the lead in his hand.
Fine. So I lifted my 3 month old baby from the cot she was sleeping in, got the double buggy and pushed it up hill in the snow.

When I got back , I called my DH and told him that I wanted to move back to my home country where my parents were only too happy to be involved and help. And not just in public displays at groups, etc.
We moved 6 months later. I never had a good relationship with them again.

Boomer GPs are the worst (with some exceptions, obv). We moved 4,000 miles to be close to my PIL so that our DC could have a relationship with them and we never see them.

Any time we have asked for help to have the DC in an emergency for instance, OMG the fuss! They’re so begrudging. We just don’t ask them anymore. They never invite us over and consequently we haven’t seen them socially for 2 years.

What is this selfish, individualistic attitude of "your kids, your problem"? How can people have an attitude so focused on themselves that they think if someone is not directly under their responsibility that they have no responsibility at all? What is the actual point of family if not a support network, a team, a group of people committed to each other and their care?

How about helping people out of kindness, not duty? Just because you are grandparent, does not mean (or in my opinion, shouldn't mean) that your grandchildren are suddenly not your "problem". Of course children should have expectations of their parents - as should parents of their children. Relationships work both ways, with reciprocity, care, compromise. It's more than a bit shit if people take on this kind of selfish, cold and uncaring attitude.

I feel for you OP, and I feel sorry for those who clearly don't know the meaning of family.

I don’t blame the op for wanting an appt with her usual hairdresser Decent hairdressers are like gold dust.

I’m having similar issues with my father, currently, in so far as he doesn’t bother with my dd at all. Her birthday was 6 months ago and, despite saying he has bought presents, they have not materialised. He’s a feckless, selfish shit though. He does all the grandstanding about being the proud grandparent but it’s all entirely fake and shallow. Funnily enough, he also expects to be waited on hand and foot at Christmas. He won’t be coming his year.

OP I’m sorry your parents are shit and I’m sorry some posters on here are giving you a weirdly hard time. I don’t get this mumsnet obsession with “GPs are not obligated”. Errrrr when I had kids it was with the expectation that I will love and support them all their lives, not just until they become parents themselves or turn 18 or whatever. Your situation sounds so hard and YANBU to wish your parents would reciprocate the love and support you show them. I hope you can start laying some boundaries because you sadly can’t change their behaviour, only your own.

Ps bluey is great choice!! Best kids show ever.

Sometimes, our parents show us how to behave. Sometimes they show us how not to behave. Yours are not being an example I would want to emulate.
Sorry this is happening to you.

I have the same problem. My parents are 70 and 72 and are in good if not great health.
My eldest DD is 16 and she has never slept there nor have they ever looked after her.
First it was because she was in a nappy then it was no as you are breastfeeding etc always an excuse. As a result both my DD aren't close to my parents. My 6 year old hasn't seen them in 2 years so has forgotten all about them.

I get the lack of reciprocating and care.

I've had 4 hours babysitting from all family in nearly 11 years. 2 hours of that time was for a funeral service. It's not that that is a particular issue in itself, my family is not local and parents are aging, although it is frustrating that I live in an area where everyone seems to have pre-ordered young, interested, avaliable grandparents, and it is limiting not having a level of support that people take for granted. It's cost a social life and a career, both of which just haven't been viable in the the absence of unpaid support.

What stings is just sheer uninterest. Just enquiring about the grandchildren and feigning interest in their lives. Any desire to see them. DS1 hasn't seen any grandparent since Dec 2019 either through Covid policies or uninterest. DM just CBA with him. She can't travel to me any more, she's out of range to "pass by" easily and the 3 times I've seen her in the past 18m I've basically said "I'm going to DF's grave, can I pop in". There's been no indicated desire to see me or the DCs.

OP, dialing back the unrequited effort to support and treat them is fair enough in the face of ongoing uninterest.

Sorry to read this OP and the stories of many other women in the same boat. Apparently it takes a village to raise a child but seems for some the village is minuscule.
My parents never offer to help. And actually, that’s all I want- someone to think ‘Paddington could do with a break, shall we take the kids?’. If I ask for help often met with disinterest at best or my DM becoming ‘ill’ and not being able to look after them.
All I’ve taken from it is a list of things not to do if I ever have grandkids. Still hurts. Sending 💐

I hear you OP.

My parents rarely showed more than a passing interest in their grandchildren. Everything was at arm's length, or just a verbal enquiry on the phone.

My mother did look after the older two whenever I had another baby. To be fair, she did do that willingly and did it very well, but then reverted to type, which was her and my Dad in their own exclusive little bubble, and the rest of the world was peripheral to that.

I find it sad that my parents' relationship with their grandchildren continued very little beyond that but it was their choice. My daughters are aged 26, 23 and 19 now and have hardly known them.

I never wanted regular childcare. I would sometimes have just liked more general interest and to know that I did in fact have a family support network if I had ever truly needed it. I never felt that so almost never asked.

Mine even refused to help when DH's Dad had died and I had hoped to go to the funeral without having to drag the youngest two along (then only a three year old and a five month old). Their refusal to help there meant that I was unable to go to with DH to his Dad's funeral because MIL had requested that the youngest were not taken. She hadn't banked on the reaction from my parents though and was upset about that. I was too, and it is something I have never forgotten.

You are not alone in feeling that lack of support. I have made up my mind to be much more available to my DDs if they ever have any children. I won't make it as awkward and difficult for them as my parents did for me.

I remember being in a similar situation! My mother is shit. Although my husband was shit and yours isn’t.

Do you or your Dh have any friends that could watch the children? Or do any of the play group staff offer babysitting?

Fwiw my shit mother has made me a better parent and grandparent because I have been shown how not to do it!

Stop inviting them at Christmas firstly, and secondly don’t take the birthday gift round! Tell her you’ll give it to her when you next see her. They don’t want to help with the kids , that’s their choice but it’s also an option for you to stop pandering to what they want and regain some balance in the relationship. Let go of your expectations and look elsewhere for support xxx

It’s ridiculously hard line to berate the op. Of course GPS aren’t obliged but frankly if you can’t help your family occasionally to make their lives easier when you are easily able to what’s the bloody point? Dh and I got properly ill with flu when Dd a baby and my immediate family were out f the country and my in laws equally hopeless my uncle by marriage drove a 3 hour round trip and looked after Dd himself for 4 days. Never forgotten his kindness.

And yes it does seem there is some cherry picking going on of grandparents expecting the minor royal experience at Christmas (loved that description 😁) whilst doing sod all to help.l the rest of the time

I personally wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my parents to travel and allow six hours of their time so I could get my hair cut. Many salons open late night onThursday or there’s any other weekend or a mobile hairdresser. My friends and I occasional watched each other’s DC if we had appointments but hardly any of us had parents that would or could help.

I think if it was simply that Op expected GPs to travel an hour and a half round trip to babysit for a hairdressing appointment, bearing in mind that the issue only arose because her DP forgot to tell her he was going away on a weekend piss up, then I would agree she was in the wrong. But it is about a history with the GPs.

@julieca yes, travel to help me but also to see their grandkids. They'd probably stay over and I'd make them a meal. It's not like they'd be chucked out as soon as I got home.

As I also said, we did that trip during Covid, with two tiny kids in tow, to deliver shopping and I'll be doing it to take her out for her birthday. Also, they'll do it for Christmas!
This was just to help me out of a bind. My husband can't really refuse to go on the trip as it will also involve meeting counterparts abroad...it would be frowned upon. I am still mad with him too though, for not mentioning it.

I'd tell them your having a quiet Christmas this year just the four of you. and make it a tradition every year.
Sod that!

My appointment is on a Friday i.e. same routine as today. I have taken the kids to their playgroup, given them lunch and they are both currently flat out asleep as usual.

I have found a potential babysitter who I trust, but she works between 3-6. I have asked my mum if they would sit with them for two hours while they sleep and then be present when babysitter is there, so there will be familiar faces.
Dinner would be prepped, babysitter would deal with nappies/toilet. I'd do teeth and pjs when I got back.
The answer - no. It's too much.
Too much to literally just sit in our house, on a comfy sofa in front of a TV.
All those who said it's a problem between me and dh, well that's what she said. It's our problem. She said she's too soft and shouldn't have agreed in the first place!

I've told her that I'll never, ever ask again and that I won't be going round for her birthday and they aren't welcome at Christmas. She said fine and she'd prefer to spend it in her own home anyway. Prefer it to spending time with grandchildren.
We've actually bought them surprise ballet tickets - best seats in the house- for January, but it would mean them also staying here. I am actually reluctant to give them now because it would stick in my fucking throat to host them as they went for a night out, especially as they are so "ill".

I am absolutely fucking done. I've told her to expect no help from us in the future either. I'll be focusing on my children and husband from now on, and that's it.

So sorry op. She is being horrible. Some people are though, as evidenced by the usual mealt mouthed "your kid your problem" crew on here

Don't give her the tickets ffs. Why would you even consider that? Send her a token gift and that's it. Sell the tickets or see if you can be refunded even for credit and take your kids to the panto or something.

You're still being too nice to them and it isn't appreciated.