A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

I feel v sorry for you but I'm not surprised at the same time.

On my wedding day I wanted my in laws to look after our 13 month old for the morning. My dad was too sick to attend as they lived aboard but they did gifted us 30k. My in laws branded the wedding a major inconvenience because it was in December. My best friend flew in from abroad to look after my daughter as a result. We had to pay for our in laws to come to our wedding & in the morning of the big day my mother in law rang to say she left her coat at home & I had to give her my coat on my wedding day in December. Ps this is the woman who never wanted to come even once to look after her grandchildren not even when I was giving birth for the 2nd time.

I just have to say. Never ever rely on one's parents

I hope you get it sorted!

I have only read your posts (sorry) so may have missed something but you could try find a sitter and have them come earlier or on a different day so the kids know them?

I always used sitters.co.uk when I was in the uk.

Fwiw my own balayage update is seriously overdue (it was done in summer 2019 lol) and my hairdresser is ghosting me so I feel ya!

I’m actually quite astounded by the sense of entitlement on here and people’s attitude to their parents. Not so much the original poster or those whose parents literally show no interest in their grandchildren but other posters who bemoan their parents not providing them with regular free childcare and asserting that their parents had it much easier than them due to cheaper house prices etc. Completely forgetting other things which make parenting much easier these days and the multitude of benefits people entitled to, tax free childcare etc. Almost my entire salary until recently (and still 60%) goes on nursery and childminder fees, we don’t bang on about how unfair this is as we were not expecting anything else when we had children. We’ve never had a family holiday, don’t have sky TV or the latest phones, newish cars on PPI, regular takeaways etc, however we consider ourselves incredibly lucky we the basics plus £10-20 to take the children on the weekends/holidays and pay for swimming lessons for them etc. Incredibly grateful to parents for bringing us up in much harder times, and no my mother didn’t do ‘paid employment’ but then having been both a working and SAHM myself I’m well aware one is not necessarily easier than the other. Totally depends what type of job, children and childcare you have.

julieca

Menopause this is so true the insomnia and symptoms are exhausting . The only way I can cope is to try and avoid stress because I am barely getting any sleep . Young children have to be watched every minute at that age esp if you caring on someone else’s behalf they put things in their mouths etc you have to be on the ball. Remember Julias mother in Motherland pretending to be out to avoid Granny childcare. My mother benefitted from my Grandparents being very proactive and they lived in another country and my mother was a stay at home mum but to 3 with a nanny and housekeeper . I know that she would not be able to carry the load because she has so many health issues now and is living Solo so I care for my mother to quite a high level compared with her parents being there to provide support for us her family.
The Babyboomers have far more entitlement of enjoying their time. They are not sat at home knitting like Grandma unless they are on a cruise . My mother has a very active social and travel lifestyle yet she needs my care. I think they lucked out as a generation because they didn’t need dual income , their parents were willing to lead quite pared back self sacrificing lives having been through the war. It’s really annoying but I think they had the best era of parenting as well there was no helicopter parenting so this might explain a lack of involvement as well as you said they left it to the Grandparents and my mother also got a lot of breaks we spent every holiday with the Grand parents. That’s 3 of us and at one point they were in their 80s taking us on holidays. They were a tough stoic generation and I take my hat off to them I really do.

I have read it. The way that you won't go and visit your parents for a birthday or them over for Christmas etc. They may have changed their mind which they are entitled to and you are entitled to not visit them and feel upset. Overall, in my opinion, it will be your loss. You sound entitled. I also understand that you don't rely on them regularly, but I personally don't like how you sound on this thread. You may be wonderful, I'm sure you are, but falling out over this would be a mistake (in my opinion). Good luck and all the best.

@Tessabelle1

They're YOUR children! Why are your parents useless just because they don't want to traipse over the country just so you can get your hair done? Change your appointment and your entitled attitude whilst youre at it

Wow, aren't you lovely. I suppose that goes both ways if they want her to help them out too then?

I don’t think it’s “entitled” to ask for the odd afternoon childcare from your mum so you can attend an appointment 🙄🙄

Dh parents did zero for us and let us down the one time we genuinely needed them. Dh remembers weeks on end with his paternal grandparents- most school holidays. Not much paying forward going on with some of this generation…!

"They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth."

This for a hairdo is. The hairdo can wait until the husband returns if needed. It's all the other comments mentioned too.

Some GPs love to help out, others don't. The main thing is (and this is not aimed at the OP) people shouldn't expect it.

I always had a good relationship with my mum until I had children and realised that she really is happy to just see them once a year when she comes over (not in the UK by choice, retired)...and when she did visit was quite obviously dissapproving of how I/we were raising our children. When they were little the children would act up when she visited, maybe they picked up on the tension, so it was always a bit fraught. They are older now though haven't seen her for over two years because of the pandemic. I just don't understand. I tell myself that it is her loss. She has missed out on having much of a relationship with my fabulous people. They are the only grandchildren in the family.

I definitely don't feel entitled to free childcare. It would have been nice to have GPs in my dcs' lives who made a small amount of effort though.

One of my parents is dead. The other (my dad) is overseas. My dad didn't really need to do childcare as he was lucky to have a sahm at home doing the cast majority of it. She had her own parents nearby who helped a lot. My in laws had a lot of help from their parents who routinely took the dcs for the whole weekend so they could have quality couple time.

When we had our second baby, we did get one morning of help from our in laws but it was very begrudgingly done by fil. Mil didn't make an appearance at all. I had a c section and had to stay for a few nights and was very much on my own trying to cope with my new baby while not really able to move, as dh had to be at home with our older dc. That's just quite sad for the dcs.

BUT, it does wake you up a bit I think, as the op has sadly found. Just because you had a great relationship with your own grandparents, it doesn't mean that your own dcs will enjoy the same with theirs. And when you realise they don't want to make an effort, that is when you do have to stop making so much effort as well, as it isn't reciprocated. That can be pretty sad. I haven't actually seen any entitled posts demanding free childcare. Just disappointed grown up children of parents who weren't that arsed when their dcs were small and still aren't that arsed now. I do think it is more common in my parents' generation, but that certainly isn't to say that all people from that generation are the same. Far from it! I think in some ways it's a positive reflection on the economy and better health as we age, as more retired people have the good health and disposable income to do things they find much more fun than babysitting grandchildren. Also, I know my late mum came from a generation and cohort where being really involved with children was seen as a bit uncool.

Tax free childcare is helpful but it barely touches the childcare bills for many couples now. Lack of affordable childcare is a big issue. I think saying we benefit a lot more as if we have easily afforded, accessible childcare, universally in this country, is clearly not accurate. I don't believe childcare has become more affordable since I was a child at all.

But the pp who said nobody is entitled to anything from their parents is obviously correct. But it does work both ways I think. I don't know if I'll ever have grandchildren, but I cannot imagine not wanting to help my dcs if they ever do have dcs. Since pils have decided not to make any effort, it's on their own heads if they don't get much back from their gc when they grow up.

@AreYouRightThereSkippy

I agree with what you just said.

OP, ignore those who haven't rrft or understood. I am sad for you having got to the decision you have but understand your reasoning.
My parents had gp help, I had a great relationship with my mgm staying over all the time! I have had children later in life and my mum would love to do more but more than a half day is tiring for her and sadly my df is no longer with us. But she does what she can and I really appreciate it and love seeing the relationship growing. I and my siblings will certainly share looking after mum when she needs it as she has always done what she could. I fully intend to help with my dgks should I be blessed with some! OP I hope you get that "you" time and hair do! (Just had my first cut in 18 months!)

Took you a long time to eventually give an idea to your parents ages with a vague ‘they’re in their 70s’. Flipping heck I wouldn’t fancy 5 hours with a 2 year old and 1 year old and I’m in my 50s never mind my 70s. You say they’re house is a shit hole and they only drive occasionally, has it actually occurred to you they may be struggling with general old age and failing eyesight. Babysitting children of that age takes a lot of energy, is hard work and you need eyes in the back of your head. It is not the responsibility of 70+ year olds.

In-laws Out laws some good some bad.
I’ve been a good Nan.
It’s about families pulling together.
It’s usually one family member that does
all the pulling.
While others sit by and watch !!!
As for telling the grumps they can’t come for Christmas.
I just can’t see you doing that.
You could try taking your mum to one side
And talk about this.
If hubby is going on a piss up.
On his return tell him your going out with mates.
And you both responsible for the children
And you need a break.
Hope all goes well for Christmas

I think it’s reframing it less as “entitled to childcare” and more about helping out a family member. When dads car in garage and he had a hospital appointment of course I take time to drive him. He would do the same for me. If i just refused he would be entitled to think I was abit mean if I was otherwise totally able to help.

I think I need an older Grandchild to show me how to use this site.
Which she would help me.
I run round after my parents all the time.
They were not brill parents.
But at least I know when they pass I will have a clear conscious.
As for my Grandgirls I’m taking them away
Next year.
It will be a blast.
I won’t have any cash left but some great times ❤️

Unsure if anyone can see my posts.
Unsure how you use this site.

I hope all the people on here with the crap GPS at least know they won’t be having to house or look after /spend every weekend in a retirement home

GPS who don’t help: above- they won’t be doing this,so choose wisely.

I have an exPIL who is 71 and still rides a motorbike, so age is not really a factor, just health AND positivity

( also health? What on Earth do disabled mums do? Presumably keep their children alive every day? )
Poster with the disabled child: hugs and hugs, I hope the council and charities are supporting you x

That's sad
I work full time all week in a challenging job and I'm driving 2 hrs this morning to see my grandson. I never go more than 3 weeks without seeing him. When I get there my son and DIL are going out for the rest of the day and evening as a treat.
Stop inviting them OP they sound like an emotional drain. You sound overwhelmed. Try and source a local babysitter for things like this and stop letting your parents disappointed t you

@mum11970 their age isn't really an issue.
Yes, they can't run after them, nor would I expect them to.
If you read the full thread you'd know that the children will be napping when I leave the house, likely between 1-3. They wouldn't have to do anything in that time.
So actually the amount of time they are babysitting actively would be three hours, including dinner time, which would be fully prepared and left for them. They would not be expected to wash up, do teeth or anything like that. Perhaps change a couple of nappies between them.
You would also have read that I offered to try and get someone to come to do any practical stuff, but asked them to just be there as familiar faces.

As for the house issue, did you read about that before commenting? I explained it up thread. It's a source of massive, massive stress to me as well.

They are well enough to drive from Lancashire to North Yorkshire for a holiday. She is well enough to go shopping in the two nearest cities by catching buses to do so. He is well enough to go all over the place with his friends.

My in-laws (71 and 79) are happy to help when they come over. In fact, the last time I went to the hairdresser was on one of her visits.

As I've also said, I won't be asking again.

@GoGadgetGo believe me, it won't be my loss at all.
I am absolutely sick of being a mug.
It works both ways. They are able to help but choose not to. I am choosing to prioritise my children going forward. For example, on her birthday I was going to have rush from a kids' party and miss out on taking them to a Christmas Fair in the afternoon in order to drive over there to take her out. Not happening. They did fuck all for my birthday.
As for Christmas, I "celebrated" in their house in 1999 and 2005. Those are the only times since I turned 18. They were happy to let me be completely alone on more than one occasion. When I was at university, taking important exams, they fucked off an a cruise leaving my widowed grandma alone. She became ill and all communication fell to me, hundreds of miles away.
I fucking owe them nothing.

Anyway, a positive update, I attend an absolutely brilliant gym. I asked this morning if anyone knew of a babysitter and immediately three women jumped in with an offer of help. Two of them will do it between them. I will of course see them right for this and help them out with anything they need going forward.
I was so overwhelmed I burst into tears.

OP - so glad that you managed to work something out.

I had no help. Mother and FIL died before son was born. MIL died six months after he was born. Father was too frail to do anything but be a partner in crime with my son when he lived with us. He never watched son on his own or anything. And I think I had it easier than you. Because I knew that I had to find work arounds and baby sitters. I knew that this was the situation. I never had to deal with lack of love or a willingness to give a little time or thought.

I think this is the straw that is added to all the selfishness of your father over all the years. It hurts much more than a potentially missed hairdressers appointment.

I hope you have a great time for you at the hairdressers and now can look forward to an easier and happier Christmas.

@Liverbird77 so glad it’s sorted. And I’m sorry that your parents are so shit. I totally disagree with anyone who says you’re unreasonable to ask for help. My parents would drop anything for any of their children or grandchildren, and we would all do the same for them. It’s how families should work, in my opinion. It’s disappointing that all families aren’t like that, but in no way does it make you unreasonable to feel let down.

Your further stories about driving, and cafes etc cement the fact that they’re selfish users. I’m glad you’re going to stop bending over backwards to accommodate them, and concentrate on your own little family.

Enjoy your new hair!

To be honest, I gave up reading your posts as they were all entitled, poor me and how your parents owed you their time. I assume your parents will have to travel at least an hour each way to your house and then babysit for 5 hours in between and you can’t see how entitled you are. You say your children will be asleep for two hours but you can only hope your kids will nap from 1-3, that isn’t something you can be sure of and the Law of Sod generally guarantees they won’t. If your parents see your children so infrequently I, also, assume the kids will probably not be comfortable and may well play up as soon as they realise mummy isn’t there. Has it even occurred to you that your parents cherry pick when to drive because of failing eyesight and no longer being confident to drive in busy areas. My mother, who is also in her 70s, drives on a daily basis but won’t drive in the dark anymore. My dad, also in his 70s, managed to hide his dementia for a long time by avoiding situations where he could get overwhelmed and it begin to show. As for bursting into tears because two gym going buddies, who I very much doubt are in their 70s, will look after your kids for a couple of hours each (notice neither offered 5 hours of their time, never mind another 1 hour travelling each way) is verging on the ridiculous.