A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

@Breeblebree you are also so lovely to make that offer. As I say though, the kids would be desperately upset if they didn't recognise their carer. They are just too young to explain it to.

Whereabouts in Cheshire are you? We go to an amazing farm near Macclesfield every week between Feb and October. It is just brilliant for toddlers. My eldest is also starting pre school in Knutsford in January. If you're around that area and ever fancy a coffee, pm me!

@Yogawankonobi

Fwiw my shit mother has made me a better parent and grandparent because I have been shown how not to do it!

Same.

I also make sure to buy my kids clothes that fit (albeit cheap stuff if we need to) instead of expecting them to wear jeans 6 sizes too big, coats from two years ago, and shoes with the sole detached. (We we're not poor) I also ensure my kids eat every single day, multiple meals.

One downside is that I have a slight obsession with overstocking. All my cupboards are full of long shelf life food and realistically we could go quite some time without leaving the house (think doomsday pepper level). It's not a bad thing though, ensuring your kids have enough to eat.

My mum taught me how to raise my kids. I just think, "What would mum and dad have done?" And then do the opposite quite often.

[quote Liverbird77]@Angrywife thank you for your kindness. It really means a lot. The thing is, I just know the children would be terribly upset if they woke from their naps to an unfamiliar person. It's so very kind of you though.[/quote]
If you're close enough I've got no problems with getting to know them first 😊 we could have a couple of coffee / soft play dates before the day itself.
No pressure though, I won't be offended if you'd rather not x

@Liverbird77 it’s a big f*cking trap we re in ,
Don’t get me on a feminist rant about how we were promised the Earth by going into the workforce in careers ,not p/t jobs unlike the last generation , but it would push up cost of living/mortgages and now no one can survive on one income unless it’s massive AND childcare will not be provided and mat pay will be rubbish
breathesout
So the very least our parents can do is bloody watch the kids so you can pay some other working mum ,having to work on a Saturday to make HER wages, to do your hair.

DH’s GPS watched him all the time whilst DMIL worked and studied. Now she has a great job , but this would’ve been completely out of reach had DGPs not helped out.
Now she realises how important it is and how much DH loved his gran..

Gosh! i must be vary naive,i didnt realise so many people had no help from grandparents.It just made realise how much i do.i looked after my oldest gc now 6 from the day he was born as his mum moved back in with me when her marriage broke down,she had to get back to work pretty quick i fed bathed etc,still live me so i do the school run ,oversee his homework give him a bath feed him before his mum gets in at 7.
I also looked after my second daughters son for three days a week and my sons daughter 3 days a week too ,and also a three month old on any days im needed ,school holidays i have them at the same time some days.We do baking,painting drawing go on outings and have immense fun,i do it because i love my kids and i love my grandkids.All my children appreciate what i do greatly.I have very strong bonds with all the gcs.
Is there anyone you trust in your street that could help out ,if any mum in my street asked me i would help

@flashy44 and I’ll bet your grandchildren ADORE you

@flashy44 your post proves the point exactly. You would help anyone you know. It’s downright weird for parents not to want to help their daughter out on occasion.

But I do find it really sad that some people even see this as a burden. My parents constantly tell me that they would rather be with the grandkids than anything else. It’s their favourite way to spend their day. I really feel for the OP as I have the same with my in laws. It feels like a big ask because they view it as a burden. It makes such a difference if grandparents see it as a pleasure.

I hope my previous post wasn’t misunderstood. When I said I thought that’s how all parents and grandparents were .I meant I thought they all wanted to do what they could for their children and wanted to spend quality time with their grandchildren and I meant that I thought that I was that way because my parents were that way. I still can’t understand how anyone would not be ! And I agree with @DaisyStiener isn’t that what family are for. I’ve just read @Liverbird77 latest thread and I feel so sorry for you having such selfish and self centred parents. Why would you want to spend Christmas with them ??

Its astounding how many of us there are with no childcare help at all (or a very begrudging, constantly moaning about and probably cut short bare minimum) from our parents but not only that, but we spent half our childhoods with our own grandparents!

Like other posters, my mum also denies that DSis and I spent the majority of our time staying with mum's mum and dad. Apparently that never happened. Nope. All those summers, school nights, weekends, school holidays etc must have been figments of our imaginations. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think they do DaisyStiener ,each one of then think they are the favourite lol

Come on, this is husbands fault surely - how can he have not told you he's going abroad - for a drunken jolly - unacceptable

I’m really sorry OP. My own parents sound very similar to yours and I know how much it hurts. At times when I have really needed my parents, they’ve let me down and I stopped asking for any favours from them years ago. As a mother, I honestly cannot understand it. When I look at my daughter I just cannot imagine not doing anything and everything I can to help her in life. It feels like a real rejection and it cuts to the core.

I don't understand why some grandparents don't want to be involved in their Grandchildren lives.

What is so sad is your DC missing out on relationship with the DG and vice versa.

My Dgran has 16 grandchildren, and there is a 20 year age gap between the 1st and the last.

Growing up, she chomped at the bit to find any excuse to look after and spend time with each one of us.
She built such strong bond with us all, that she was the person we turn to when we have good news or need help.
We are now all adults, but all of us still love to spend time with her.

In fact at a family party, my cousins and I got in a huge argument about who was the "favourite grandchild" each of us thought we were the favourite.
Just goes to show how she treated all of us whether we were 1 years old or 40 years old.

(Nb I am definitely the favourite )

I am a grandmother and would love to do all this but never get asked.

I empathise. I'm so sad when I see loving caring helpful grandparents. I have friends who actually go away on mini breaks whilst the grandparents look after the DC!!! This seems heavenly and just totally unreal to me.

In your shoes, stop engaging with them. I wouldn't make a fuss and it's pointless having words, but 2 days before Christmas both children have upset tummies and vomit and then the next day so do you. Oh dear, must be norovirus, they'll have to stay away.... and enjoy your lovely peaceful Christmas without them being an inconvenience 👏

@ohtobeoriginal

I am a grandmother and would love to do all this but never get asked.

Have you offered? Maybe they're not asking to be polite and you're not offering as think you aren't wanted. If you offer you might get a yes please

I console myself by thinking how I won't be doing any elder care in future. I shall keep interactions to occasional visits and I may pop the kettle on. End of help/support/assistance 😂

@PoshWatchShitShoes

I console myself by thinking how I won't be doing any elder care in future. I shall keep interactions to occasional visits and I may pop the kettle on. End of help/support/assistance 😂

Absolutely. My own parents are dead but my mil won't be getting anything out of me.

Hi OP. I've just read through your responses and think you've had a hard time being alone with a 2 & 1 year old, especially over the last few years.

To encourage you, when the kids start school you can make more mum friends and I've found them a lifeline for mutual childcare. Not super-regularly, but the occasional afternoon etc and my friends are always offering. Hopefully when your kids are a bit older you'll have those school mum friendships and support.

I wondered where you where- giver user name too! I'm 15 mins south of Knutsford, and (although I expect and understand why it would be a 'no') am very happy to help with childcare. Any help or toddler groups you fancy meeting at, let me know. I've two at school and a 2 yr old. X

YANBU. Same boat here. Mine plasters it all over Facebook etc “best granny ever”. Never sees them. It’s sad when I dwell on it, but actually I just remember to focus on my kids and my family and swear I’ll never be like this. It’s exhausting not having any support (let alone through this last year or so!!). Hope you do find help and get great hair x

I'm another one who gets bugger all help from my parents, but growing up spent pretty much every weekend with one or other set of grandparents. I've given up asking now. But also given up making an effort full stop. Their loss.

No help here either. My ILs moved 450 miles away just before our youngest was born. Her 'grandpa' has seen her once in her 14 months.

They're YOUR children! Why are your parents useless just because they don't want to traipse over the country just so you can get your hair done? Change your appointment and your entitled attitude whilst youre at it

@ohtobeoriginal can we adopt you? My DC would love to have a granny. My PIL who live 10 mins away never see them as they are too busy with their hobbies. It’s been 2 years.

@Liverbird77 unless you experience it,no one understands how heartbreaking it is essentially being rejected by your own parents and moreso them rejecting your own kids.its all sorts of wrong.no one is too busy to help anyone if they really want to.its not too much to ask, if anything it should be a joyful privilege to spend time with grandchildren and build lovely bonds.people always harp on about the fact it takes a village to raise a child but reality is most mums are left literally holding the baby and in turn the mental physical load pushes many of us to the edge.

My situation is a little different but essentially the same in essence as it boils down to uninvolved grandparents, from my husbands side.My son is disabled and now 11 years old,my in laws will move heaven and earth and tell lies,not answer my calls to avoid seeing him.ive been hospitalised with a mental breakdown twice, im so sleep deprived ive slept four hours max a night for 11 years,ive begged them for help,they say they will but never actually do.they live three streets away.doing it alone has left its mark,im physically underweight,scratched allover,losing my hair,permanent dark puffy bags under my eyes,i look awful,on high strength antidepressants.they will try avoid me from far if they see me out.my son and i are recluses now as its too hard to go out with him,when hes at school i sleep as ive no energy or happiness.
My own mum helped when he was little but is now too ill.it breaks her heart seeing me struggle. My inlaws look after their daughters kids all week long,despite their daughter working parttime.