So… he left me in the hospital with the baby.

[lilyboleyn]

I posted a few days ago about my partner. We had a baby over a week ago and it’s been in ICU. I’ve had pretty bad PND and have not been a delight to be around.

Well, we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital and he’s ended the relationship saying he clearly can’t make me happy.

He’s not going to change his mind, he broke up with his ex wife three months after they had a baby and he has ASD so is pretty set with his decisions.

I’m so broken. We’re still in the hospital on our own, no visitors because of covid. I’m financially screwed without him. It’s such a mess.

Oh my goodness, OP. My heart breaks for you.

I know it's hard now, but if this numpty has got form for abandoning women with newborns then it sounds like you've dodged a bullet there. ASD or not, I'm afraid this man is just an asshole.

It sounds like he's been considering ending the relationship for a while and has just been grasping around for a reason, hence why "well I obviously don't make you happy" sounds so lame - it's the best he could come up with at short notice.

Speak to friends/family in real life and ensure you have lots of support for when you leave hospital and tell your midwife/health visitor what has happened so that they can signpost you to additional support.

Oh and if you're not married, don't put him on the baby's birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Thank you, I needed that.
Definitely won’t put him on the birth certificate.
It hurts so much.

Do you have any family IRL you can speak to? Or who can contact services on your behalf?

Safeguard your home and belongings do you live together? Can you claim benefits?

Talk to your family.

Get as much support as you can.

No advice Im sorry but just wanted to say that’s terrible, sending hugs.
And your PND will get better with time and help trust me.
I didn’t have diagnosed PND but the first few months with my LO were emotional hell, I saw no end to it. Now he’s 9months old and he’s the best part of my day (even with his occasional tantrums). You and your baby will always have each other.

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.

What a dickhead.

Talk to your family and friends.

What’s the living situation? Rent or mortgage?

@MarcelineMissouri

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.

Unless they’re married, she can’t put him on without him being there.

We don’t live together.
I don’t know anything about benefits. I assume so once my maternity pay stops…

@MarcelineMissouri

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

You can claim universal credit

Go onto Facebook universal credit essentials group join it and get advice ASAP

Are you renting or do you own?

Join Universal Credit Essentials on FB, they’re knowledgeable and lovely.

I had baby in NICU and an arsehole alcoholic (now ex) husband who I’d barely seen during my pregnancy, who used the opportunity to steal from my house, gaslight me and generally be a prick. I was on antidepressants the entire pregnancy and under Peri Natal Psych who kept a close eye on me during my 2 weeks in hospital with DD.

Try and push all thoughts of him from your head, and focus on yourself and your baby.

@lilyboleyn

We don’t live together. I don’t know anything about benefits. I assume so once my maternity pay stops…

Apply straight away- or as soon as you can get someone to help you with it, since you need to nest with your baby as much as you can. They won’t backdate many benefits and they’ll be quick to tell you if your maternity pay affects a main claim.

I own. Can’t afford the payments alone tho.

Universal credit - maternity pay is 6 weeks 90% and 12 weeks 50% and then nothing - will they take this rolling scale into account or must I wait until it gets to 50%, and reapply once it gets to nothing?

Oh love, I'm so sorry

I also have an OH with ASD and a history of PND which I suspect is rearing its ugly head again (8 days PP like you)

Your partner is being an utter prick. Sorry, that's not helpful, I just get so angry when I read about women being left holding the baby at such a vulnerable time. I've been there in the past, albeit my then LO was a few months old. It really does knock you for six, I can't imagine how you must be feeling with the added heartache of a newborn in the ICU.

Do you have any other support? Lean on family and friends if you have anybody.

Keep talking here if you need to.

Sending a handhold and best wishes that your baby will get better soon

You can do a claim online OP.

I’m a student so not much help with maternity pay I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry OP although echo what others have said that this will, long term, probably be a good thing. If you’re not married then you can’t put him in the birth certificate unless he comes with you for the registration anyway, which it doesn’t sound like he will, so I wouldn’t waste any headspace agonising over what to do there.

I would go down the route of seeking child maintenance ASAP though to try and help with the financial worries. He might choose to walk away but he cannot shirk all of his responsibilities for your child.

I know it's hard now, but if this numpty has got form for abandoning women with newborns then it sounds like you've dodged a bullet there. ASD or not, I'm afraid this man is just an asshole.

I don't mean to pick on a particular poster, but in what way has the OP "dodged a bullet" when she's in hospital with the week-old baby of the man who's just left her? Sounds to me like she's very much taken the bullet squarely between the eyes.

OP, I'm very sorry to hear about the horribly stressful situation your partner has left you in and I hope he comes to his senses.

Thank you.
Your comments are really helping.

@lilyboleyn

I own. Can’t afford the payments alone tho.

Universal credit - maternity pay is 6 weeks 90% and 12 weeks 50% and then nothing - will they take this rolling scale into account or must I wait until it gets to 50%, and reapply once it gets to nothing?

I am no expert - but if things are dire, can you talk to your mortgage provider about pausing your mortgage payments. Be aware it makes you mortgage more expensive in the long term but might give you the breathing space you need at the moment.

But most importantly get expert advice.

Also, don't be afraid to ell people what's going on, you never know who might be able to help you if they know what you are dealing with.

By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate

Yes, as pp has pointed out, the OP can't add him herself as they are not married.

I'm so sorry OP, he's a vile person who has abandoned you when you need him most. At least you know your home is safe, can you get a friend to help you out at thd moment to bring you things?

Speak to a midwife, let them know your nominated person has deserted you and that you need support through someone else. They can stop him coming back in and let a more useful person instead.

Congratulations on your newborn!

OP, what a fucking arsehole that man is. Do you have someone who can take charge of finding out what benefits etc you’re entitled to? Your most important job at the moment is looking after yourself your lovely new baby.

Someone will be along in a minute to give you great advice about what and how to claim your entitled benefits. Just wanted to say I’m so sorry this has happened you, and he’s a fucking prick. x

Contact Gingerbread for advice on benefits. They support single parents.

What an arsehole.