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Original poster

So… he left me in the hospital with the baby.

139 replies

lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 15:25

I posted a few days ago about my partner. We had a baby over a week ago and it’s been in ICU. I’ve had pretty bad PND and have not been a delight to be around.

Well, we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital and he’s ended the relationship saying he clearly can’t make me happy.

He’s not going to change his mind, he broke up with his ex wife three months after they had a baby and he has ASD so is pretty set with his decisions.

I’m so broken. We’re still in the hospital on our own, no visitors because of covid. I’m financially screwed without him. It’s such a mess.

OP posts:
Amillionnc · 03/11/2021 18:05

@Midlifemusings here is the other thread. OP doesn’t seem resentful. She sounds sad that he didn’t come back when he said he would.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4389618-Baby-in-ICU-upset-with-partner?postsby=lilyboleyn&fromid=112104290

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 03/11/2021 18:13

OP I’m really sorry for you. It sounds like an awful situation. Have you had the chance to see your other children?

I agree don’t do anything rash right now. You and your baby’s well-being comes first. Everything else will come later. I’d suggest asking a member of staff what kind of support is available, whether it be talking therapies or practical advice. There may be someone in the hospital placed for signposting in this kind of circumstance.

And I’m also appalled at some of the comments here. OP is 1 week PP, with PND and sitting with a baby in ICU, wanting support from her DP who didn’t want to stay and you’re telling her to apologise? It’s a fucking low blow and you know it.

Fredstheteds · 03/11/2021 18:17

Wishing you lots of luck . Please make sure you get all the help you can. My mum suffered pnd and was really ill. I was lucky and didn’t. Hope your baby improves and you can both get home soon. The man sounds like commitment phobia - to leave two women and babies is not something to be proud of.

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impossible · 03/11/2021 18:21

Congratulations on new baby! Hang on in there - you and dc will be much better off without your unwilling partner, even though at the moment it's hard to imagine.

There will be options. Check citizens advice and / or tax credit calculator. There is also a childcare component to tax credits and you will get £21.15 per week in child benefit so long as you earn under £50,000 before tax.

This may not work for you - and I know this might sound mad with a new baby - but if you have a spare room you could let that at up to £7,500 per year tax free. We had a lodger when our dcs were born and it was lovely. We chose someone we got on with, respected her space, kept her as far away from baby's room (and noise) as possible and didn't ask for help. What was lovely - apart from the rent - was the incidental chats in the kitchen with an adult.. You can also let a room Mon to Fridays or term times for students if you are near a uni. I know this might not appeal or be possible now but if it is at a later date, it will not impact on universal credit, child benefit etc as you do not have to declare this income (see Rent a Room Scheme).

Briony123 · 03/11/2021 18:30

@Harlequin1088

Oh my goodness, OP. My heart breaks for you.

I know it's hard now, but if this numpty has got form for abandoning women with newborns then it sounds like you've dodged a bullet there. ASD or not, I'm afraid this man is just an asshole.

It sounds like he's been considering ending the relationship for a while and has just been grasping around for a reason, hence why "well I obviously don't make you happy" sounds so lame - it's the best he could come up with at short notice.

Speak to friends/family in real life and ensure you have lots of support for when you leave hospital and tell your midwife/health visitor what has happened so that they can signpost you to additional support.

Oh and if you're not married, don't put him on the baby's birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Having a baby with a wrong un isn't "dodging a bullet"!
ancientgran · 03/11/2021 18:32

if he's walked out and isn't coming back then he can't go on the birth certificate, if you aren't married he has to be there to go on the birth certificate so I wouldn't worry about that as I think he's sorted that for you.

Can you ask if there is a social worker at the hospital, I know they used to have them and they could be a good starting point for advice.

I don't know how much equity you have but your mortgage provider might give you a payment holiday if you have a decent amount, might be possible as prices have gone up alot this year.

It is early days so focus on yourself and baby. Good luck.

finallyme2018 · 03/11/2021 18:35

When your baby is in nicu there a specialised social worker, don't panic they are truly there to help, there is a something called family fund charity they help fill the form in and family fund will give you money for travel food etc. If you have a car park in hospital car park your entitled to free parking whilst your child in hospital, ask the nurses. Also at St Mary's Manchester they have a parents room with a fridge so when I wasn't allowed in for doctors round I'd nip tesco and buy lunch and tea. Cheaper than canteen xx

finallyme2018 · 03/11/2021 18:36

And microwave. Sorry forgot that bit.

AnotherEmma · 03/11/2021 18:40

Congratulations on your baby! And sorry about your partner Flowers

You can claim Child Benefit, Universal Credit and possibly Council Tax Reduction. Check an online benefits calculator like entitledto or Turn2Us.
He should also pay you child maintenance and you can check the calculator on gov.uk to work out the legal minimum he should pay.
You probably don't have space for a lodger, since baby isn't your first child, but if did have a spare room and could find a suitable lodger, the income from it wouldn't affect your UC.
Ignore PP's comments about tax credits as you can't make a new claim for those (they've been replaced by UC for new claimants).

Enough people have said it already, but just to confirm, you can't put him on the birth certificate unless he attends the appointment with you. You have time to decide about this. But whatever you do, give the baby your surname and not his.

Practicebeingpatient · 03/11/2021 18:47

@MarcelineMissouri

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.
This. Don't punish the child because you are angry at the father.
LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 18:48

@Harlequin1088

Oh my goodness, OP. My heart breaks for you.

I know it's hard now, but if this numpty has got form for abandoning women with newborns then it sounds like you've dodged a bullet there. ASD or not, I'm afraid this man is just an asshole.

It sounds like he's been considering ending the relationship for a while and has just been grasping around for a reason, hence why "well I obviously don't make you happy" sounds so lame - it's the best he could come up with at short notice.

Speak to friends/family in real life and ensure you have lots of support for when you leave hospital and tell your midwife/health visitor what has happened so that they can signpost you to additional support.

Oh and if you're not married, don't put him on the baby's birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

All of this. ^

How lovely to be a man eh, and to be able to just fuck off and walk away from all your responsibilities. No fucking WAY could a woman do this when her baby is a week old. Who'd be a bastard woman eh? Hmm

Make sure you get the child maintenance you are entitled to @lilyboleyn and as that pp said ^ do NOT give your baby HIS surname, or put him on the birth certificate.

He said 'I can clearly never make you happy...' and he just fucks off and leaves. Confused

What a cunt. Bullet firmly dodged there. Start planning your life without him. You deserve better.

TheGirlCat · 03/11/2021 18:49

The first PP was right. I'd tell him "you have form for abandoning women with newborns", maybe "are you going to find another woman, get her pregnant then abandon her too when you can't get your own way?" and see if that shames him and gives him pause for thought.

Ajl46 · 03/11/2021 18:51

@Hont1986

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

How is that relevant? OP clearly wanted her ex to be in the hospital too. That's all that matters here surely?
Nanny0gg · 03/11/2021 18:53

@MarcelineMissouri

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.
Why? What has he done to be a father?

He can still see the baby (if he can be arsed) and he can definitely pay for it. But the baby needs its mother's name and to know who cared

AutumnAlmanack · 03/11/2021 18:59

I'm sorry but why would any man want to sleep in a hospital with his partner and baby when he could be at home, quietly avoiding all the mayhem? I don't blame him for that. I DO blame him for all the other rubbish!

oakleaffy · 03/11/2021 19:00

@lilyboleyn
Really sorry this happened to you
I too rented two rooms out when left in lurch with big mortgage and one of my student lodgers is still a friend now.
It can really help to rent a room to the right person
At least it pays part of the mortgage!

What an arse that partner is

A health visitor said that some men just don’t like babies- and it seems to be true.
Some men are so selfish.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 19:00

But the baby needs its mother's name and to know who cared

Not wanting to spend the night in a hospital room with the OP doesn't mean he doesn't care about the baby. That's absurd.

impossible · 03/11/2021 19:16

If his name is on the birth cert, claiming child support is very much easier (so he may resist). Otherwise, DNA tests may be needed.

I completely understand your disgust with him but if you had expected to bring up your dc together you presumably would trust him with dcs. In which case it would be much better for your dc to have her father named on certificate.

Bellringer · 03/11/2021 19:25

For now just breathe, there will be options to extend your mortgage or adjust it. Look after yourself. It sounds like he is scared and can't cope, let him go, you will manage, I'm sorry he has spoilt this special time.

AnotherEmma · 03/11/2021 19:26

@impossible

If his name is on the birth cert, claiming child support is very much easier (so he may resist). Otherwise, DNA tests may be needed.

I completely understand your disgust with him but if you had expected to bring up your dc together you presumably would trust him with dcs. In which case it would be much better for your dc to have her father named on certificate.

Why do people say this? It's not true. If a father refuses to pay child maintenance, the mother can go via CMS whether he's on the birth certificate or not. If he disputes paternity, he has to prove he's not the father, and has to pay for the paternity test himself, unless it shows that he's not the father. If he disputes paternity but refuses to take a paternity test, it is assumed that he's the father and he has to pay accordingly.
Nanny0gg · 03/11/2021 19:41

@AutumnAlmanack

I'm sorry but why would any man want to sleep in a hospital with his partner and baby when he could be at home, quietly avoiding all the mayhem? I don't blame him for that. I DO blame him for all the other rubbish!
Good job the mother doesn't feel like that, isn't it?
ChequerBoard · 03/11/2021 19:43

@lilyboleyn

He doesn’t have the older child overnight. I was angry because he was supposed to come back at lunch so I could see my children, but he did not. Result: he saw his child and I did not see mine. I think your account is slightly different from what happened, musings

This is confusing. Are you saying that you have older DC and that though he doesn't live with you, he is looking after them and was supposed to bring them to hospital to visit you??

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 19:46

@ChequerBoard he has a child with someone else who he'd gone home to see. He was then supposed to return to the hospital to spend time with the baby, while OP spent time with her children from someone else in a different part of the hospital

ChequerBoard · 03/11/2021 19:49

[quote girlmom21]@ChequerBoard he has a child with someone else who he'd gone home to see. He was then supposed to return to the hospital to spend time with the baby, while OP spent time with her children from someone else in a different part of the hospital [/quote]

But why would him not coming back prevent OP seeing the baby in NiCU when she is already there in the same hospital?

It reads as if there are other DC that OP was prevented from seeing...

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 19:52

@ChequerBoard yeah she wanted to see her other children. He was supposed to come and be with the baby so she didn't have to leave the baby alone while she saw the other children.

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