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Original poster

So… he left me in the hospital with the baby.

139 replies

lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 15:25

I posted a few days ago about my partner. We had a baby over a week ago and it’s been in ICU. I’ve had pretty bad PND and have not been a delight to be around.

Well, we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital and he’s ended the relationship saying he clearly can’t make me happy.

He’s not going to change his mind, he broke up with his ex wife three months after they had a baby and he has ASD so is pretty set with his decisions.

I’m so broken. We’re still in the hospital on our own, no visitors because of covid. I’m financially screwed without him. It’s such a mess.

OP posts:
tiggerwhocamefortea · 03/11/2021 16:34

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t put both parents names on the BC…leaving it off doesn’t change the fact that he is the father. As far as I know having the father on the BC doesn’t mean you can’t give the baby the mums last name either

I agree with this. Unfortunately presumably the OP knew his history before getting pregnant with a man she didn't live with and a poor track record

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 03/11/2021 16:37

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Please ask at the hospital where you can get some help.. They will have someone. You have maternity pay for a while, that will give you time to organise benefits and help. Have you any family/friends who you can talk to? Has he left the house or does he expect you and the baby to find a new home from hospital. He is ghastly. If you have a friend or relative get them to check this for you. So sorry you are going through this, but take it step by step and you will get through this with your lovely baby.
This.
starfishmummy · 03/11/2021 16:39

@Hont1986

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

I totally agree with this - and in fact the two hospitals ds was in both had a one parent overnight policy anyway.

I know its hard, and there were times when there was an emergency and I had to call dh in late at night and they found him an armchair to nap in but that was the exception.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:39

@Dixiechickonhols

Reducedduties Op can’t put him on birth certificate. She’s unmarried. Unless father of baby goes to register office with her and agrees to be added. If they were married she could add him without his agreement as husbands are legally presumed to be father. Otherwise unmarried women could go around naming anyone as babies dad. If he goes on birth certificate he gets parental responsibility - can stop child going on holiday abroad, right to consent to medical treatment or chose their school etc. There’s no rush to register baby and OP is right to consider if adding him is in their best interests. It’s a moot point if he won’t come to appointment. It’s nothing to do with names.
Yes, I am aware that unmarried fathers would need to attend the registration.

However, he is the father, he does have parental rights to his child. No one would strip a mother of their rights for splitting up with the father, so why is it okay the other way around? As horrible a situation this is, OP decided to have a child with this man and he should have the same rights as her..

Theworldisquiethere · 03/11/2021 16:40

@ShaneTheThird

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

No but the baby has a right to their fathers name on a legal document.

She can’t put him on the birth certificate unless he’s there when baby is registered anyway (assuming OP is in the uk)
Theworldisquiethere · 03/11/2021 16:41

Oh I missed that that had already been mentioned

starfishmummy · 03/11/2021 16:42

@lilyboleyn

Yes, he was contributing to my mortgage.
But didn't live there? More fool him.
Azerothi · 03/11/2021 16:42

How do you propose OP puts her ex-boyfriend's name on the birth certificate? How can she do it?

Unless you think she should go chasing after him and frog march him down to the registry herself after a traumatic start to her and her new baby's life. Why should she?

Avarua · 03/11/2021 16:43

I will say this again. Do not do anything. Just wait and rest if you can and seek advice from calm professionals. MN relationship board operates as a mob.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:43

@Azerothi
Send a wee text “baby is out of hospital and doing well, going to register at xxx on the xxx”

julieca · 03/11/2021 16:44

They don't live together. Of course he should not have the same rights if he wasn't even going to live with the baby.

OP mumsnet is always full of people who just push what is best for the man and ignore the woman.
You need to tell everyone what has happened. Your midwife, your family and any friends. Be honest that you cant afford where you live, that you need help, that you need support. Do not try and put a brave face on this. People need to know that you need help.

Midlifemusings · 03/11/2021 16:45

There is no evidence he has abandoned his child - he is ending the relationship. If this is the same OP as the last thread, she was upset that he left the hospital to be with his other child as she wanted him to stay with her and the baby. He was torn and felt he also needed time with his older child and so he did leave and then he spent more time with the child than OP wanted him to so she got very angry at him. His past history with not abandoning his child the first time would bode well for him not abandoning this child either.

PinkTonic · 03/11/2021 16:46

Men like this should come with a warning, like a packet of cigarettes

Presumably the OP was aware he had already abandoned one woman and infant when she made the decision to have a child with him.

julieca · 03/11/2021 16:46

[quote Reduceddutiesboredom]@Azerothi
Send a wee text “baby is out of hospital and doing well, going to register at xxx on the xxx”[/quote]
why the fuck would she do that!!! She needs to focus on having a roof over her and her babies head, having benefits, and getting through the next weeks. Not pretending that everything is fine.

julieca · 03/11/2021 16:47

@Midlifemusings

There is no evidence he has abandoned his child - he is ending the relationship. If this is the same OP as the last thread, she was upset that he left the hospital to be with his other child as she wanted him to stay with her and the baby. He was torn and felt he also needed time with his older child and so he did leave and then he spent more time with the child than OP wanted him to so she got very angry at him. His past history with not abandoning his child the first time would bode well for him not abandoning this child either.
He does not live with the OP. He was always going to be remote. You cant do your fair share of looking after a baby and live somewhere different from the baby.
DuckDuckNo · 03/11/2021 16:49

@Hont1986

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

"A lot of posters" don't get to vote on what OP finds helpful with a newborn. What an utterly useless comment.
Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:51

@julieca
….because her baby needs to be registered regardless of her living situation.I don’t think informing the other parent of your plans to register is a ridiculous notion.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:51

@Midlifemusings

There is no evidence he has abandoned his child - he is ending the relationship. If this is the same OP as the last thread, she was upset that he left the hospital to be with his other child as she wanted him to stay with her and the baby. He was torn and felt he also needed time with his older child and so he did leave and then he spent more time with the child than OP wanted him to so she got very angry at him. His past history with not abandoning his child the first time would bode well for him not abandoning this child either.
Interesting
girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 16:53

@Midlifemusings

There is no evidence he has abandoned his child - he is ending the relationship. If this is the same OP as the last thread, she was upset that he left the hospital to be with his other child as she wanted him to stay with her and the baby. He was torn and felt he also needed time with his older child and so he did leave and then he spent more time with the child than OP wanted him to so she got very angry at him. His past history with not abandoning his child the first time would bode well for him not abandoning this child either.
I think you're misremembering.

OP didn't have an issue with him leaving the hospital to spend time with his daughter, but he'd agreed to come back and spend time with the baby so she could see her own children, then chose not to come back.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 03/11/2021 16:54

It’s not the popular opinion on here but I agree with @julieca. When you have the appointment to register your baby send him a message to let him know.
He has ended the relationship not abandoned his child.

Original poster
lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 16:55

He doesn’t have the older child overnight. I was angry because he was supposed to come back at lunch so I could see my children, but he did not. Result: he saw his child and I did not see mine. I think your account is slightly different from what happened, musings

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/11/2021 16:56

Practical steps first.

You don't live together. Does he have a key to your home? If so, is there anyone who can get the key off him? If not, anyone who can supervise changing your locks or do the job him-/herself?

Regardless of what is put on the BC, he still has financial responsibility for his child. Can you file a claim for CMS before the birth is registered? I'm not in the UK so I don't know the ins and outs. Birth registration is very different here, it's done automatically by the hospital after assisting the parent(s) in filing out the forms. And if a claim for support is to be filed there is a 'temporary BC' letter the hospital gives the filing parent attesting to the child's birth. Maybe something similar in the UK?

Even if a friend/family member is not allowed in the hospital, you can still seek and hopefully get emotional and practical support from them. But I'd try to explain to whomever is in charge that the baby's father has broken with you and is there any way you can have someone else be with you for support.

julieca · 03/11/2021 16:57

@Idontgiveagriffindamn I did not say that.

OP don't pretend to him that everything is fine as a few stupid people on here are suggesting. It si not.
And forget about registering birth. You have six weeks to do that.
Your more urgent concerns are a roof over your head and an income. Focus on those.

Derbee · 03/11/2021 16:57

@Hont1986

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

I don’t think anyone is enough of a prick to prefer a dad didn’t stay with his baby in ICU. What a fucking stupid comment.
BiLuminous · 03/11/2021 16:59

Im a single parent of 3 and you should be ok financially in the end, especially if you rent because youll get the housing element of UC.
Im so sorry about your situation. Please do seek all the support you can get. Pnd made me withdraw and decline help until i was in crisis. Dont let that be you. Xx

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