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Original poster

So… he left me in the hospital with the baby.

139 replies

lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 15:25

I posted a few days ago about my partner. We had a baby over a week ago and it’s been in ICU. I’ve had pretty bad PND and have not been a delight to be around.

Well, we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital and he’s ended the relationship saying he clearly can’t make me happy.

He’s not going to change his mind, he broke up with his ex wife three months after they had a baby and he has ASD so is pretty set with his decisions.

I’m so broken. We’re still in the hospital on our own, no visitors because of covid. I’m financially screwed without him. It’s such a mess.

OP posts:

Derbee · 03/11/2021 17:00

@Hont1986

"have not been a delight to be around"

This could cover a very wide range of behaviour. Rather than making any rash decisions, perhaps try calling him and apologising.

Jesus. And again. Who gave you access to the internet?

Midlifemusings · 03/11/2021 17:01

@lilyboleyn

Perhaps I did misremember. I can't find the old thread but there was a lot happening and a lot of chaos with multiple families involved. I do recall it really seemed you were resentful of him spending time with his daughter while you and baby were in hospital and he wasn't happy with the scheduling of your visit with your kids at a time that meant he had to cut time short with his daughter. The whole situation sounded messy.

TheChip · 03/11/2021 17:03

What's the difference between icu and scbu? Can you stay with baby these days?

He is behaving very shitty, but in his defense these will be stressful times for him too. He might not be handling things very well and this reaction from him could be down to that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

steff13 · 03/11/2021 17:06

Men like this should come with a warning, like a packet of cigarettes.

He did come with a warning; he did this exact same thing before.

File for child support as soon as you can.

Yaya26 · 03/11/2021 17:09

I wouldn't want to be with a man who could end a relationship with their week old NICU baby's mum. Good luck to you and the baby.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 17:10

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful situation to be in, can't believe he's just abandoned his sick newborn as well, that's horrendous, I know it's hard but you really don't want a guy like that to change his mind anyway, you're well rid by the sounds of it. And don't think it's about you either, he did it once before so he's obviously a spineless rat who will happily get a woman pregnant go through it all the way to the birth and then leave his child and partner

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/11/2021 17:14

As a pp said. Ignore the lectures about whether he should be on the birth certificate, you have six weeks to sort that out and as I understand it he can be added at a later date if necessary.

Your most pressing problem is caring for yourself and your baby.
]Just think about today and ask for and get as much help and support as you can from those around you.

Then focus on the immediate priorities for tomorrow. One step at a time and you will get there. I hope you feel better soon.

BunNcheese · 03/11/2021 17:17

@MarcelineMissouri

He might be an idiot but he is still the dad. By all means give your baby your surname but I don’t think it’s right not to put him on the birth certificate.

I'm glad you have put this. People screaming this..I wonder if they have done it themselves not put the dad on the birth certificate. I don't understand its an irrational decision let alone to advise OP this.

Things change and there's nothing to say that dad won't come to register his child.

difficultdayahead · 03/11/2021 17:19

Oh good grief, that's horrendous.

I totally get that it won't feel like it now, but you have bullet dodged quite spectacularly there.

Your emotions must be all over the place between the new baby (mine spent a couple of weeks in ICU so I know what it's like), missing the older ones, struggling with postnatal hormones and now this arsehole's behaviour.

Remember - if you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

Keep posting here, we can be a lovely bunch of vipers (sometimes 😂).

ANameChangeAgain · 03/11/2021 17:23

Your midwife will be able to help with signposting to people who will help and advise and don't forget that he will now owe you maintenance. Get the ball rolling on that quickly.
I'm sorry your baby is unwell, fingers crossed for speedy recovery.
I strongly suspect he is a contributing factor to your pnd, and also suspect things will improve once you and your baby are back home with your other children.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 03/11/2021 17:30

He's not only abandoning you OP but your baby in ICU too.

What a selfish, horrible human being to abandon a newborn baby in hospital.

And the 'I can't make you happy' line is a pile of shit. He's not even tried. He's - in fact - done the opposite, picked the absolute best time to cause maximum harm to you and the baby. He could have waited until you were both more stable and coping, but no, he really stuck the knife in at your and the baby's lowest point. This says something about who he is, and it's horrible. You' ARE better off without such a vile excuse for a human being.

And I don't care what condition he has, none of it excuses doing this to a baby in ICU.

Stay strong OP, and do tell the midwife / hospital staff who can signpost you to some help.

PeterIsACockwomble · 03/11/2021 17:32

@Avarua

Please don't take advice from Mumsnet. You are in the thick of post-birth fog, with an ill baby, lack of sleep and pnd. Now is not the time to make rash decisions about birth certificates and relationships ending. Do nothing rash! Focus on your baby, both try to get some sleep.

This, a million times over.

Blueroses99 · 03/11/2021 17:33

@TheChip

What's the difference between icu and scbu? Can you stay with baby these days?

He is behaving very shitty, but in his defense these will be stressful times for him too. He might not be handling things very well and this reaction from him could be down to that.

NICU is neonatal intensive care, typically a 1 to 1 or 1 to 2 ratio of nurses. SBCU is special care, less medical intervention required. Some hospitals have separate units and some have both within the same unit. Parents have always had 24 hour access to NICU (even through COVID from what I’ve been told) but there was no facility to stay overnight in my experience, though it could be different wherever the OP is.

Not being there for your child in hospital is way beyond shitty, however stressful it might be for him!

On the birth certificate, it’s not about the child’s rights but about the parent’s responsibilities. Is the child right to document who their father is (because they will know who it is as their mother can tell them) greater than preventing a situation where the child can’t go on holiday without fathers permission, or there’s no consequence of the father not returning the child to the mother after contact - worst case scenarios of course but they do happen and people need to make an informed decision. If the father steps up, the name can be added later.

OP I’m really sorry that you are going through this. I’ve done 3 months in NICU and I know what a rollercoaster it can be and how much having someone to support you can help you get through it. Make sure you speak to family and friends, even if they can’t come and see you.

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 17:34

Hont1986

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

But surely the most relevant point was that the Op felt she needed the support.

TheWeeDonkey · 03/11/2021 17:35

I'm so sorry you're going through thisLily I've got experience of this. My dad dumped my mum in the maternity ward after a very scary c section while she was still coming off the meds and I was in NICU. He's never been a part of my life and he's not on my birth certificate and he doesn't deserve to be.

Your friends and family will help you get through this but make sure you find out what benefits you're entitled to.

Good luck, you can do this 💐

Fetarabbit · 03/11/2021 17:43

@Avarua

Yes agree with this. It sounds like it's been a challenging time for all involved.

ShaneTheThird · 03/11/2021 17:49

I understand you can't put a dad's name on the birth certificate if you are not married unless he is there..

I was merely pointing out the child has the right to have their father named on their birth certificate rather than people making it all about the absentee dad.

And as a side note if a man's not on the birth certificate he can go to court to be added to it and get parental responsibility, just in case people think that not naming a father on the birth certificate automatically means he has no say in the situation for the child's life.

Threewheeler1 · 03/11/2021 17:49

Oh OP, that's so tough!
Have a big hug.
Don't know what to recommend other than hoping you have a family member or friend who can help you through this. Try to focus on you and baby for now, you have so much to deal with but it's got to be one hour at a time at the mo. Sending you best wishes and support xxxxxxx

MassiveHoard · 03/11/2021 17:50

OP you will get through this. PPs advice to get some sleep and don't make any rash decisions is sound I think. If he won't support you you're best off knowing , but it's really shitty of him to abandon you now. Sounds like you're better off without him in the long run.

NewlyGranny · 03/11/2021 17:50

He had one job: be there to support his partner and sick newborn. He blew it. If he can't or won't be understanding and supportive at this critical time, there's no further point to him, is there, except to support the child he fathered?

You will be okay financially; there is lots of help and advice out there. But this noodle needs to get the snip, sharpish. He may make a decent part-time father, though, just not partner material.

OverweightPidgeon · 03/11/2021 17:55

How were you paying your mortgage before your partner started contributing towards it? Could you do whatever you were doing before he came on the scene?

I hope your baby gets to go home soon and you start to feel better.

NewlyGranny · 03/11/2021 17:55

Why in the name of all that is sane and sensible would expect a woman a week after giving birth, with a baby in NICU, suffering from PND to be a joy to be around? This is crisis, rally round time, not people pleasing duty. Sheesh!

FreshFreesias · 03/11/2021 17:58

So many useless man children.
So sorry OP.

AspergersWife · 03/11/2021 17:59

My STBexH with ASD used to respond to any kind of stress with 'I don't love you anymore/I can't do this/it's over.' Then he'd just ignore it if I didn't mention it, or else backtrack when I questioned it and he realised just how much I looked after him practically and he couldn't do anything for himself. Not to excuse your DP at all, but is it possible this is how he's reacting to stress and doesn't actually mean it? He's just lashing out? Obviously you know him and may know what to expect, eventually I came to expect it any time I stood up for myself. Obviously looking back I should have booted him the first time it happened, ASD is not an excuse to be so cruel but my ex used it repeatedly. I could never fully trust him but I too had a newborn and a toddler and financially was screwed without him so had to pretend like it was all ok.

Not to say you should take him back anyway even if he was just verbally lashing out and will swan back in like it's all fine, as that way of him coping with stress is inexcusable - particularly in your very vulnerable situation. But I let it slide time after time until it suited me and I was in a better position to end the marriage.

Don't worry about birth certificate now. Call Gingerbread as pp said, they were very helpful for me when I started researching my options to leave. If you have someone who can help you, get them to go on entitledto and see what benefits you might be able to get.

hopeishere · 03/11/2021 18:01

So you both have children from previous relationships? Who is looking after them now?

It all sounds a mess. Why did you let him pay / contribute to your mortgage?

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