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Original poster

So… he left me in the hospital with the baby.

139 replies

lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 15:25

I posted a few days ago about my partner. We had a baby over a week ago and it’s been in ICU. I’ve had pretty bad PND and have not been a delight to be around.

Well, we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital and he’s ended the relationship saying he clearly can’t make me happy.

He’s not going to change his mind, he broke up with his ex wife three months after they had a baby and he has ASD so is pretty set with his decisions.

I’m so broken. We’re still in the hospital on our own, no visitors because of covid. I’m financially screwed without him. It’s such a mess.

OP posts:

Avarua · 03/11/2021 16:04

Please don't take advice from Mumsnet. You are in the thick of post-birth fog, with an ill baby, lack of sleep and pnd. Now is not the time to make rash decisions about birth certificates and relationships ending. Do nothing rash! Focus on your baby, both try to get some sleep.

Hont1986 · 03/11/2021 16:06

we argued last night about him going to sleep at home rather than with me and the baby in the hospital

Might be moot now, but a lot of posters would actually prefer than men not stay with their partners in the hospital.

Sally872 · 03/11/2021 16:07

You're both shattered and going through a hard time. Don't write him off yet. He may get a rest and come back more and be a better support.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 03/11/2021 16:08

I’m confused. Apologies if I have missed this, but if you don’t live together and yet you can’t afford your mortgage payments alone, was he contributing to your mortgage?

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 16:08

You can apply for UC online now. They'll automatically adjust your payments based on your earnings. Just do the practical things - they'll help x

Original poster

lilyboleyn · 03/11/2021 16:09

Yes, he was contributing to my mortgage.

OP posts:

Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:11

Horrible situation OP I hope your new baby is going to be okay.

My midwife made a referral to money matters and I told her I wouldn’t qualify for maternity pay at my work - I started a new job 2 weeks after falling pregnant! They were able to advise and could send forms, I’d contact them ASAP and they’ll be able to advise when to apply for things.

I hope you have some emotional support during this time, stay strong!

Hont1986 · 03/11/2021 16:11

"have not been a delight to be around"

This could cover a very wide range of behaviour. Rather than making any rash decisions, perhaps try calling him and apologising.

Justilou1 · 03/11/2021 16:12

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please try and really think about whether he’s been pulling away anyway. This doesn’t sound like the sort of decision made by someone on the spur of the moment. I suspect he’s been waiting for an excuse to run. Do you want this kid raised by such a coward? Certainly not a prime example of humanity to look up to. Now… don’t take his behaviour personally. This is on him. Nothing you could have done or said could make him a better person. You need to recognize that he is incapable of loving you and that gorgeous baby the way you both deserve and he is going to miss out on so much as a result. Sucks to be him. You have to focus on you and your little one now. The best way to do this is to speak openly to your nurses and health visitors so that you are referred to the right doctors and get the best support (and as a result, the best financial assistance also.) If have a hard time breastfeeding because of stress (it can happen) please ask to speak to a lactation consultant. If that doesn’t work for you, or you need medication for your PND, don’t beat yourself up. What your baby needs is a full tum, a clean bum and for you to be well and happy.

Mjjbgfessrgb · 03/11/2021 16:16

@Hont1986

"have not been a delight to be around"

This could cover a very wide range of behaviour. Rather than making any rash decisions, perhaps try calling him and apologising.

He's done it twice now, the women aren't the common denominator here. What an arsehole.

ShaneTheThird · 03/11/2021 16:18

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

No but the baby has a right to their fathers name on a legal document.

BeardyButton · 03/11/2021 16:19

Men like this should come with a warning, like a packet of cigarettes.

I know this is hard to digest, but honestly you and your baby are so much better off on you own. This happened to my mother with me (jst before birth). Father still had involvement, but not much. Jeez am I grateful he had little to go with me. You can do this!!!! And you are so much better off without his dead weight weighing you down.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 03/11/2021 16:20

He's an arsehole who had no business helping bringing another child in the world when he knows full well that he can't come with what comes with them.

And now you're on you're own, OP. I'm so sorry.

Give the baby your surname.
Tell him to get to fuck.
Pursue CM and get on to UC as soon as possible.

ShaneTheThird · 03/11/2021 16:20

Op, I hope you and the baby are out soon and you get all the help you need. Congratulations!

Definitely contact gingerbread and try and work out benefits you are entitled to. You will get through this

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 16:23

@ShaneTheThird

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

No but the baby has a right to their fathers name on a legal document.

According to PP - who appear to know what they are talking about - OP can not put his name on the birth cert. And that's on him walking out not on her.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 03/11/2021 16:23

@ShaneTheThird

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

No but the baby has a right to their fathers name on a legal document.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t put both parents names on the BC…leaving it off doesn’t change the fact that he is the father. As far as I know having the father on the BC doesn’t mean you can’t give the baby the mums last name either

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 16:24

@Hont1986

"have not been a delight to be around"

This could cover a very wide range of behaviour. Rather than making any rash decisions, perhaps try calling him and apologising.

She had PND is post partum with a baby in ICU and she needs to apologise? He doesn't have a responsibility to step up, no?

me4real · 03/11/2021 16:25

Rather than making any rash decisions, perhaps try calling him and apologising.

@Hont1986 !!! OP has just had a baby a week ago.

@lilyboleyn Don't call it PND yet if it doesn't help you to call it that. It's so early and short lived. What you're experiencing is natural and normal, partly probably physical exhaustion as well as the stress of your LO being ill. (Unless of course you have thoughts of self harm or something- especially before your partner was such an arse.) You could keep professionals aware of how you're feeling.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy, especially if he was like it with his ex too, so it's a pattern.

MrsWooster · 03/11/2021 16:25

@ShaneTheThird

Do you think, having abandoned his second child at birth, that he deserves the Parental Responsibility that comes with being named on the BC? Really?

No but the baby has a right to their fathers name on a legal document.

I disagree. His name on the bc gives him lifelong rights over the baby. He should be pursued for CMS and the child will know he is their father that way but he has forfeited his right to have any say whatsoever in that child’s life.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/11/2021 16:25

Please ask at the hospital where you can get some help.. They will have someone. You have maternity pay for a while, that will give you time to organise benefits and help. Have you any family/friends who you can talk to? Has he left the house or does he expect you and the baby to find a new home from hospital. He is ghastly. If you have a friend or relative get them to check this for you.
So sorry you are going through this, but take it step by step and you will get through this with your lovely baby.

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 16:26

@lilyboleyn congratulations on your newborn, hopefully he/she will soon be released from ICU and you can go home.

MrsHookey · 03/11/2021 16:28

Apply for UC right away, if you can. You should be able to do it remotely. I know you are under pressure but you need your money coming in. Good luck xx

Coyoacan · 03/11/2021 16:32

I'm so sorry OP. I just wanted to say that it will be a blessing not to have such an irresponsible father on the birth cert. I didn't put my ex on dd's birth certificate and she's thanked me for it, even though she now has a good relationship with her dad

Dixiechickonhols · 03/11/2021 16:33

Reducedduties
Op can’t put him on birth certificate. She’s unmarried. Unless father of baby goes to register office with her and agrees to be added. If they were married she could add him without his agreement as husbands are legally presumed to be father. Otherwise unmarried women could go around naming anyone as babies dad.
If he goes on birth certificate he gets parental responsibility - can stop child going on holiday abroad, right to consent to medical treatment or chose their school etc.
There’s no rush to register baby and OP is right to consider if adding him is in their best interests. It’s a moot point if he won’t come to appointment.
It’s nothing to do with names.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/11/2021 16:34

Being on birth certificate or not doesn’t affect ability to claim maintenance either.

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