DH and his little girl - question

[FireflyLon]

So my DH asked me a question today and I really didn't know what the right answer is. We are expecting a little girl 🥰 and he asked me when he has to take her to a public toilet will he take her to the men's or women's. I said women but I was thinking I've actually never seen that. What are your thoughts?

Just as an aside OP - why is your H preempting problems from about 3 years in the future? Is he already trying to point out how tricky it will be for him to play a big part in caring for her, despite his assertions that he wants to do his fair share?

While your DD is in nappies it will very rarely be such an urgent issue that it can only be solved by him trampling over other peoples boundaries.

I’ve often changed my DCs nappies while they’re in the pram, or lying in the boot of the car, whilst out shopping etc, as well as breast feeding them sat in the car too.

Until she’s recently out of nappies and needs to be able to pee immediately or she’ll wet herself, this really isn’t the big deal he thinks it will be. And once she’s toilet trained (so hopefully only a window of a few months where things are a bit urgent!) she can wait until he reaches a suitable family toilet, which of course being the diligent parent that he is, he’ll have scoped out for himself previously. How does he think the parents of disabled children manage? Just cross their fingers and hope they find a changing places bathroom when they need it? Or do some research like a grown up and be prepared?

Gosh it's not rocket science. There is only a year between me and my brother so my dad took us into the men's together. Here's how you do it:

Walk in
All enter stall
Close door
(Stick extra children in the corner)
Toilet child
Swap them if more than one child in attendance

There is nothing traumatising about seeing urinals and I never saw a wild penis either. No women were upset about a grown man in their space and no men gave a shit about a toddler doing a pee.

Well because men’s tend to have open urinals so are fair more likely to see male body parts on show.

Men stand facing the walls - they don't do some kind of bizarre 'contemporary interpretative willy dance' in the middle of the room. Very easy to steer her past the edges where the urinals are and distract/avert her gaze. I suppose the only issue is that men's toilets tend to have significantly fewer cubicles in them, so there may be a bit longer wait.

Men should not be in women's toilets, as they could pose a threat to the women in there. A little girl is not going to pose a threat to the men in a men's toilet - and they won't pose a threat to her, as she has her dad with her at all times.

I'm very sad to hear people casually suggesting using the disabled toilet as a free-for-all, though. As the Ronseal name suggests, it is a vital facility for disabled people, who often cannot use a standard toilet - it isn't a 'spare' for anybody who'd just rather not use the ladies' or the gents' for frivolous reasons.

"I'd assume it was because of the, not very nice for a little girl."

But the OP is going to raise her daughter not to be afraid of men so she should not be bothered by going into the men's toilets!

@Smashingspinster

Disabled or family bathroom.

No a child does NOT belong in the accessible cubicle unless there is a baby changing facility in there. Accessible toilets were hard won rights for people with disabilities. Ffs.

When she's old enough to manage by herself, he will wait for her outside the Ladies' - a much less stressful experience than a mother has waiting outside the Gents' for a little boy - but sometimes a man will spot a kindly looking lady or a mum with children and ask her to take his DD in. I have been that woman countless times. I think I just have that kind of face. You just keep an eye and guard the door for her basically, and return her to her DF before you meet your own needs. None of them has ever needed actual help.

But who knows what public toilets will be like by the time your DD (congratulations!) is old enough to use them?!

A lot of people fell for this one, eh?

@ancientgran a bit easier for male carers because they can pee with their backs to you and they don’t menstruate, but not easy either.

But I've never experienced a man going into a woman's toliet because they're there with their daughter, so I don't think this will be an issue. I suspect the OP's DH will just do what all other fathers of daughters do (it's not like he's the first man to ever take their daughter out alone), and the OP is making this into an issue, when it really isn't.

[quote Spunout]@Biancadelrioisback because I wouldn't want her seeing an adult males penis!![/quote]
How is she going to see a penis? Men tend to have their penis sticking out of the fly, pointed into the urinal with their hands either side of it and their back towards the communal space. At most your child would see the back of a man and hear them wee. Once they finishing weeing the tuck said penis away and (hopefully) wash their hands.
Your dd would only see a penis if she wandered up to the urinal and stared at one.

[quote FireflyLon]@Lady1576
Thanks for your comment you clearly put it more eloquently than I did. Yes that is one of the issue there is more privacy in the ladies.

I can see my poor DH will have a lot to deal with 😅 but that's OK he can really hold his own.

In if needed he will shout that he identified himself as a woman !![/quote]
Now you've taken a very sinister turn.

A man, who identifies as a man, pretending to identify as a woman so that he can enter a single-sex space because it suits him to and damn the feelings of the women who may be in there.

Fuck me OP, your entitlement on his behalf is staggering

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

I can't see a problem with a man going in to a women's toilet as long as he is with a child. It wouldn't bother me at all.

Tell that to the woman in the cubicle next door having a miscarriage, the one at the sink washing period blood out of her clothes or the one, who got blood on her hands whilst emptying her moon up.

So your rainbow of joy can’t see a problem.

Suck it up all women. Suck it up women, who have been abused by male bodied people, women, who cannot share facilities with penises for religious reasons and women, who want our single sex facilities maintained for reasons of privacy and dignity.

Men's obviously. DD is 6 and DH has been taking her into the men's with him since she was born, neither have had any problems. She is now getting to an age where she will go into the ladies on her own and he will wait outside for her. Never would my DH have thought it suitable to go into the ladies though!

Most places announce or display signs saying that there are male cleaners so women are aware that there is a chance a male cleaner may appear. They don't have signs up saying that dads with daughters who are too precious to use the men's toilets may be around.

@ejhhhhh

But I've never experienced a man going into a woman's toliet because they're there with their daughter, so I don't think this will be an issue. I suspect the OP's DH will just do what all other fathers of daughters do (it's not like he's the first man to ever take their daughter out alone), and the OP is making this into an issue, when it really isn't.

I’ve seen a man with a toddler dd changing in the women’s facilities. I was too scared to say anything. He was very imposing and scary.

It’s weird idea though isn’t it? It’s like OP feels her dh is semi-female because he’s with a child.

I've never heard of a woman taking her young son into the men's room just because he's a boy. Why should this be any different? The adult parent goes into the bathroom appropriate for them. The child accompanies the parent until they're old enough to go alone.

DH used to take our girls into the men's until they were old enough to go to the ladies by themselves.
He would check that no one was using the urinals first though.

All those saying “ if the baby was a boy what toilet would you take him into?”, the men’s toilets are very different to women’s, women’s toilets have individual cubicals where as men’s toilets have men using urinals with there genitals out? Hardly the same is it?

And those saying “use the family toilet”….where are these ‘family toilets’ because I haven’t seen them where I live, it’s rare that I see a separate baby changing room unless I’m at a big city shopping centre or theme park, in my local town the changing table tends to be in the female loo’s.

I do think there should be more separate facilities for fathers and babies to use.

A lot of women’s loos are cleaned by men these days. I’d far rather a little girl was taken to the ladies loo by her dad than exposed to the horror of the men’s. I wouldn’t want my daughter to see random men’s penises.

I don’t really see why using a disabled bathroom is a problem (child or no child) unless you literally barge a disabled person out of the way. Yes, some people need to get to the toilet urgently, but there is always a risk that another disabled person might be in there, so it’s completely impossible to guarantee that you won’t have to wait. Also in many places there is one loo for everyone, it just happens to be an accessible one. As long as you leave it clean and keep your eyes peeled to make sure that nobody else is approaching it at the same time as you what’s the harm? My wheelchair user brother and I have chatted about this a lot and he has no issue.

My dp must have magical powers! He has 3 daughters, takes them out regularly and has never needed to go into the women’s toilets. That includes several years as a single dad that took the girls on day trips all school holidays alone and general day to day care.

I think your bigger issue is that your husband is potentially building up to making excuses as to why he can’t do certain parts of parenting.

Do wiggly babies getting a nappy changed notice dangly genitals?
If mens bathrooms are so grim why do they put up with it?
Genuine question?
PS team no adult male penis in the ladies.

And those saying “use the family toilet”….where are these ‘family toilets’ because I haven’t seen them where I live, it’s rare that I see a separate baby changing room unless I’m at a big city shopping centre or theme park, in my local town the changing table tends to be in the female loo’s.

Family toilets are quite unusual I think. I live near a large town, and there are 2. One in John Lewis, they have a family area, with nappy change area, chairs tucker round a corner for privacy when breastfeeding, and a massive family toilet (proper walls, not a cubicle) with two loos (one I think a little lower if I remember correctly, for smaller children), loads of space for even a double pram etc.
And I think the main shopping centre has one, but without the massive toilet area. It just has one I think but again with proper walls and it’s off the nappy change area so a parent can either wait outside or go in. There’s also a feeding area with lovely chairs, somewhere to make up formula etc.
But I don’t think I’ve seen such good set-ups in many other places.