Would you go back to work if you were married to a multi millionaire

[Ladylondon007]

Long and short of it is I have come from a very average family. First to go to university worked my balls off to make in a male dominated career to achieve well a steady income which at full time would provide 70k per year. Full time..not wanting such long hours I have been offered 22.5 hours a week pro rata, flexi to work whenever suits. Which is a pretty good deal for someone who is a professional and doesn’t want to work full time. I have a 12 month old and a 4 year old. Here’s the but, despite my career choices being good I have not progressed at the speed I would have liked, I am not a director due to kids, overlooked for promotion actually being told ‘ well we wouldn’t promote you when your were pregnant’. This was a blow at the time as worked my ass off for this company. On the plus side my life choice in Husband was good ! Backed a winer ! Fell madly i. Love when he was penniless just starting up his business . FF 15 years and he is now a multi millionaire. I have full access to finances doesn’t bag an eyelid on what I spend. But I feel I am missing something. I have been on maternity leave 12 months and have a dilemma as to whether to return to work. I don’t like to depend on anyone but really my salary is so insignificant. I love my job but are so torn as so many of my friends are divorced. I interested to hear your thoughts and opinions

OP id say, simply from what you've written, in your situation no, I would not give up work. Here's why.

Right now everything is great, right? DH has this dream income and while your not at the level you wanted to be in your job, you have enjoyed it. Now, DH is actually, subtly (and I'm not suggesting this is intentional) starting to indicate that he thinks his income outweighs the enjoyment you could have in future from your career.

He wants you to stop working (independently of his company) because then you can take all the school holidays, right? It sounds great, it really does. But you're now in a position where if you choose to choose the option that's intellectually stimulating for you, you're reducing family time and his holiday options. This decision is coming about not because you hate your work, but because of his desire to spend the money he earns in a different way.

Also, how are these long holidays going to look? Is he going to take a solid six weeks off over the summer holidays for example and not answer work calls and emails while you're on holiday? If the answer is yes, then that's different, but I suspect that like most people with that kind of income (and less too), that it's simply impossible to run a company and do that.

Finally I'd say that it depends on what your values are and what you want for your kids. I had to give up work for my husbands career. For me the lack of intellectual stimulation was awful so I'm retraining. One thing it made me realise too though was that I didn't want my kids growing up thinking the man was the provider and the mum didn't work. I know that's fine for some people but personally for me it wasn't and I didn't realise until a significant period of not working.

In a dream situation, where I had far more money, what I'd do is set up a charity/organisation to meet a special interest of mine to do with community work. I wouldn't stop working.

If you do choose to stop though, my advice would be to speak - independently - to financial specialist in high net worth marriages (and divorces) and find a way to set up a system where you're properly taken care of, and not under any risk should something bad happen in your relationship. I'm sure you have life insurance, and this is see along the same lines. A mechanism where money is transferred into your personal account, not "he lets me spend whatever I want and doesn't say anything". If he wants you to forfeit proper career advancement tie his holidays, then you should have significant, long-term financial security in your own name.

*seems I've forgotten how to use apostrophes and spell. Apologies!

If we could afford for me not to work (as opposed to we'll get by on one salary) id probably take the opportunity to train or educate myself for a career that actually interests me (but wouldn't necessary pay that much!)

Do you work in a sector that could help some charitable organisations, or volunteering? That way you still have independence, helping other people, but more flexibility. That wouldn’t help with you earning your own money though if that’s what you desire.
Could you start your own business? If you do work with your dhs company, like others have said make sure it’s contracted and salaried.
If you do go back part time to your work, and feel you aren’t progressing as you like, or if you feel like they’re taking the piss, then you have the luxury of leaving whenever you like.

I worked part time until youngest was 8, now 3/4 time. Financially we are not well off but cut back. I loved those years, it seems like they zipped past, I would have hated full time work or full time at home.as I enjoy my job.

If I were you I would get a housekeeper (what a dream),.work part time and get involved with your husbands business in a meaningful way or get a job you enjoy.

I was able to be a full time mum and never regretted it. I didn’t want my children to be brought up by other people.
You have the choice, consider yourself lucky as I did.

@Ladylondon007 the part of your post that really resonated with me was about your current company passing you over for promotion because of maternity leave. A very similar thing happened to me when I was on mat leave with my second and it really rankled. I'd go back after maternity but start looking for a new PT job elsewhere but in the same field. I did this but made an error of where I went, lasted a year and then left. I then spent 4 years not really working - doing the odd freelance bit - but did get to spend more time with the kids. This wasn't great for my self esteem or career prospects. Even though we could afford it, I found it quite hard spending money on things for myself when I wasn't earning. When my youngest stared reception I got a new job in a different field which I have enjoyed but am still earning £10k less than I was before my career break.

Term time working is becoming more common now, for example lots of civil service jobs do this, so you could consider switching jobs and asking for that rather than doing it through your DH's company.

"ooh look at me I'm married to a millionaire, I can buy whatever I want, I'm so rich, please, look at me as I post on MN about it. Btw should I go to work? But I don't need to because my DH is so rich though, and I just wanted to start a bragging very gauche thread so I could tell everyone how rich I am, but... It's ok because I'm asking should I work?"

Do what you want OP.

I used to work with someone married to someone very rich. She employed a nanny or two and carried on working. Pretty certain she gained nothing financially as our salaries weren't far off a nanny wage. She used to brag about her central London house being too big and swan around the staff room with a Waitrose cool bag.

I assume she did it 'just in case' as anyone smart enough to make that sort of £ also knows how to hide it.

Not necessarily. I'm shaped by having a father who was a wastrel and went bankrupt when I was 16. I was saved, and had a roof over my head and a life, because of my mother's work. Likewise I've been married twice to men who quit jobs and pursued self employment, one reasonably successfully and one not at all. I am permanently suspicious that money that looked solid will just melt away.

If he wants more holidays, tell him he can give up the business and look after the kids and you'll be the breadwinner.

I would, however, go part time, and outsource absolutely everything domestic that can be outsourced. Stick it out at work if you like your job, but also look for other possibilities. Would you like to be self employed, for example?

Beware voluntary work. Usually twice the aggravation of a job.

I suspect that the bitterness about being overlooked for promotion and your drive and work ethic means there is value in keeping your hand in in your job as it clearly matters to you.

Accept the part time offer. It means your non working days will be really child focussed as you can afford cleaners etc. So its a real best of both worlds situation. Review in 12 months. If its fully flexible you can do some school pick ups etc.

In the 3 years since my youngest startest school i have been promoted 4-5 times and doubles my salary. Unfortunately career trajectory is hard to maintain whilst rearing kids and part time but it does come back to you when the time is right and if that is what you want.

Only leave work to work in the business if expectations are clear. You marriage sounds happy-would working together and living together spoil that? Would you be an employee or a partner? Would the oower balance in your relationship shift? Would it ever be yours too or is it HIS business and would he make all decisions? As a self employed/self made person will he actually take these long holidays he is dangling in front of you?
What can you put in place for financial security for you if you risk your independence by giving up your job?

No, frankly. I'd leave the job for someone who could do with it.

Yes, life is short and children grow up so quick. I have a degree and loved my career but I love my children more.

I'd go back to work. I'm not married to a multi millionaire by any means, but DH does earn a lot more than me. I was a SAHM for a few years when the DC were little, but I've been back at work for years now and I love it. I also loved being a SAHM but I do feel more fulfilled now I'm working.

No I absolutely wouldn't go back to work. I would however insist on an income for being a wife and mother equivalent to what you would earn outside the home if he would prefer you not to work too. I'm sure someone will come along and say something about being a kept woman but I would be happy to be one if it meant I could be a sahm. You want something to do when kids are at school then plenty of voluntary sectors. Bottom line is though do what makes you happy. We only get once chance at life.

Independent, separate, salaried role.

Because you just have no idea where life goes.

Tbh I would struggle to work “for” my husband in “his business”. It’s really important I think that marriage is a partnership of equals and I can’t see how the feeling at work of him being the big boss wouldn’t seep through into family life.

(Very different if you set up the business together as equals, but actually even that wouldn’t be my thing. Dh and I like leaving work behind when we come home)

Also thinks working will limit our holidays to so many days

Not a multimillionaire lol but this has been our experience. Still working but very torn because we really can’t do some of the things we want to because of my working schedule.

So definitely need to keep this in mind

I wouldn’t, but I’m talking from the point of having my own millions and choosing to continue to work.

I stopped for a while but I like the cut and thrust of working life too much.

I would.
Different circumstances but I gave up work to follow DHs job. His salary and benefits are such that I don’t need to work for us to be ok, and I thought I would be happier not working. After a few years I was so bored, and became depressed because I was finding it so hard to fill my time.
I took a job working as an unqualified TA in my dds school - the pay is crap but the change to my mental health is enormous - I feel far far happier working and having a ‘life’ outside of being a wife and mother. I would never go back to not working.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Also, surely as you are married you aren’t married to a muti-millionaire you are a multi-millionaire!

I agree with this.

And, don’t be taken in by all these replies. Look instead at all the stuff on MN about people desperately paying off their mortgages and bumping up their pensions so that the can retire ASAP.

Of course most people would, at the very least, reduce their hours. Obviously, not everyone. There are so many fulfilling and life-enhancing ways to spend our lives. Hope you work out what’s best for you and your family.

I think I would volunteer if I were in that situation.

What about a charity that you could give some of your skill set and time to? You may feel more fulfilled and valued that way?

If you've always worked and enjoyed it I would do as a pp suggested and take the part time offer and outsource what you can re running the house. Laundry service, cleaner, nanny etc.
I was out of work for a few years, different experience as I was ill and don't have DC.
But I didn't realise how much not working had brought me down emotionally until I went back. So if I won the lottery now I would resign but take on a two/three day voluntary role somewhere that utilised my skills.
If my husband won the lottery I would resign when he had put half the money in my bank account

I'm in a very similar position to you, but my kids are older. When they were babies/ toddlers I gave up work to support my partner as he progressed his career in a country I was not legally allowed to work in. It was quite hard for a number of reasons, but probably the one most pertinent to your situation was that it was really really boring. We weren't rich then and I had no time to myself & felt a bit unfulfilled and trapped. After about 4 years he'd made quite a lot of money in shares & his career has continued to do amazingly well so we are now in a similar financial position to you. I went back to my original career and hated it (public sector) and because of the money I just quit and retrained which was excellent. My job now fulfills my need to be intellectually stimulated, help people and get out of the house. The pay is negligible to our current finances but there's no suggestion that I quit.
Happy to DM if you like. It's a massively privileged situation to be in but it does have its weirdnesses. One being you can't really talk to people about it irl

Being able to do what you want, whenever you want, how you want sounds like the ultimate goal but it is actually awful in real life.

A few limitations will actually provide the fuel for creativity.

Also to have some thing ‘external’ to your home life - colleagues, routine, work, cognitive challenge- is very helpful.

You also have certain things that you use to make this easier - a part time role, childcare options, probably be able to take unpaid leave for extended holidays.

But you can think about your life. Do you have a passion? Do you want to start your own business or charity, do you want to join the charity London set? - with some large donations you will start to get lunch invitations and you could definitely make a part time role of that.

Having said all that - mentally stepping into something you know in a business already set up is much less taxing.