I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

@NoSquirrels

A practical and easy step to implement:

You do 4/5 of pick-ups, so he does 4/5 of mornings. Fuck that taking it in turns in the morning shit.

It's not easy to implement. Would necessitate a second car and DH working later the days he drops off!

I second the get some help advice. Not least because you cant Express what you want, you can only tell us why every solution wont work. I think this is because what you want is unachievable, you cant unring the bell, so you need help reconciling your life

Polyamory? A nice sister wife to take up the slack?
I’m sure that would solve all her problems.

@nodogz

Polyamory? A nice sister wife to take up the slack?

I could get on board with that!

I also find it strange that people cannot seem to understand that in some jobs you can’t ‘up and leave at 5 pm’ It’s just not possible.

But it is. It’s possible if you’re a single parent with no fall-back because you make damn sure you’re with an employer who gives you that flexibility. You have to.

If an employer is willing to work with their employees on flex, and the employee is willing to go the extra mile within their limitations of caring responsibility then it is possible.

Otherwise you need to have flexible childcare and someone else doing that part to allow you to focus on your family unfriendly job where you can’t leave when you should. And that’s usually a spouse. And if your spouse is drowning and cannot fulfil that for you then you need to make decisions.

Interesting how many posters offer solutions that try to shoehorn the op into enjoying being a mother, as if it's that tweak that would make it better. It doesn't for me, still have to go back to the damageingly boring and frustrating situation of low/no autonomy because the children suck it all up.
OP, I recommend the book; 'Im ok, you're a brat' by Susan Jeffers. Talks about all of this, and the associated feelings, plus solutions, one of which is going 50/50 and divorcing.
I find the lack of autonomy and 24/7 facilitator of the lives of others actually terrifying in some way. A trap. What a trap the patriarchy laid for us. To mateguard us like animals. Of course we are animals but the males of our species use culture to mateguard us. Punish us. Leave them more free with less drudgery.
So many of us don't know who we are we are so far down the rabbit hole of culturally prescribed motherhood. We even police it for them.
Good luck.

I do hear you, and have definitely had moments when just trying to raise two kids with two full time jobs has just felt impossible. We're a few years on now, and I promise you, life does get better.

If I may suggest something, it would be to take a step back and reassess calmly. You have had very good explanations for why you can't do any of the things mentioned on the thread, and I get that you are feeling totally stuck.

There are options though - there's a massive gap between your current situation and a full time nanny. The cleaner is the most obvious thing - you need to switch to a housekeeper role with more hours who will keep on top of the house and food for you. And, can you review childcare arrangements and swap to a childminder who would pick them up and take them home, for example?

There are ways to improve the situation, but you have to take a breath and be open to changing a few things and probably spending a bit more money in order to improve your quality of life.

And lastly - the phrases that have sustained me throughout a decade of parenting - everything is only a phase, and whatever is crap right now won't be crap next month. Something else probably will be, but hey, at least it changes. This Too Shall Pass.

OP you’ve had tens of suggestions on this thread and not a single post has had a positive reaction from you.

You can change something to make your life better. You just need to decide what that thing is. If you can’t decide them go and get some counselling to help.

@NoSquirrels

I also find it strange that people cannot seem to understand that in some jobs you can’t ‘up and leave at 5 pm’ It’s just not possible.

But it is. It’s possible if you’re a single parent with no fall-back because you make damn sure you’re with an employer who gives you that flexibility. You have to.

If an employer is willing to work with their employees on flex, and the employee is willing to go the extra mile within their limitations of caring responsibility then it is possible.

Otherwise you need to have flexible childcare and someone else doing that part to allow you to focus on your family unfriendly job where you can’t leave when you should. And that’s usually a spouse. And if your spouse is drowning and cannot fulfil that for you then you need to make decisions.

But there are some careers where it isn't possible. It's not my employer, it's my career. I'd have to take an incredible career shift to change that. One I'm simply not prepared to do. Someone up thread my work is not my life, but it's career you really need to love!

Anyone else think that if a man felt like this, he would just leave, rent a studio flat, find a child free GF and be a Disney dad every other weekend, with no guilt?

It's not easy to implement. Would necessitate a second car and DH working later the days he drops off!

Why are his hours non-negotiable? Has he already had the flexible working request negotiation?

DH could make sandwiches for the week and freeze them, he takes them out in the morning and their tea is plated up for when you get home.

A little things but relives you of the mental load etc.

When he gets up at 5.30 do you actually get back to sleep?

He needs to do at least 3 weekday mornings plus one weekend one seeing as you do 4 pick ups per week.

If you aren't actually sleeping past 5.30am you may as well get up and do some exercise and other "you" stuff.

How are you going to tackle the clock change and that being 4.30am. Is it worth you take some alternating annual leave to tackle the early wakings? If they went to bed later he could help with that and neither of you would be starting your day at 5.30am.

No advice as I’m only a stepmum on a 50/50 rhythm. But your post touched me with its honesty. My sister and another friend once told me (separately) that had they known what they knew at the point we talked then maybe they wouldn’t have had kids. As it was so tough. Not exactly regrets because they both alluded to the underlying connection . But real questioning of whether having kids was the right thing.
My sister’s kids became teenagers and then young adults and honestly, they are and always have been the loveliest family I know - laughter, banter, love, open house. My friend’s child is younger - seven - and now she’s really appreciating life.
I hope you find a path through that is right for you and I’m really touched by your bravery in saying how you feel.

@LizzieSiddal

OP you’ve had tens of suggestions on this thread and not a single post has had a positive reaction from you.

You can change something to make your life better. You just need to decide what that thing is. If you can’t decide them go and get some counselling to help.

Not true. I'd love a nanny and think it would be the solution. But unfortunately it's not possible.

I've also said 50:50 childcare would also work well but I don't want to separate from DH.

"Saying I cook dinner is over egging it a bit. I reheat something or layout the plates for the take away!"

Okay.

So it sounds like you need someone to do the boring afternoon with the DC. You maybe need to advertise locally.

It sounds like guilt is stopping you but it's not quality time if you feel frazzled and resentful.

@GettingUntrapped I have a couple of friends who were very vocal about disliking motherhood, especially the early years, and do still wish if they had their time again that they wouldn't have bothered. Having had them though, and given being rejected by your parent is pretty terrible, they just had to crack on, as have the rest of us who have at times felt the drudgery and exhaustion was pretty awful.

Two concrete suggestions to spend less time with her children have been made: divorce and 50/50 or even less (supposing the dad stepped up which he may not) or boarding school. The children can't actually be undone though.

I would look at taking on the debt to have a nanny.

You both have decent career jobs. You would need a full time nanny for around 2 years and your mental health is probably worth it.

At least cost it out and see if you can borrow the money via remortgage or cheap loan.

No one really talks about parenting being unrelenting do they, it’s all ‘it’s hard but sooo worth it’

You say you’re in the NHS, medical or other wise? Reason for asking is can you and DH condense hours so you each get a lieu day in the week or do a 10 day fortnight to get a lieu day every other week? 10 day fortnight equals about 45 mins of extra work time a day, which you probably do anyway. Might give you some you time, no kids.

Do you have family around? Would sleepovers at family’s house on the weekend for the kids be an option? Drop them off Saturday morning and pick up again Sunday afternoon? Again for some more you time with no kids. If not baby sitter once a week and you and DH go out?

See you’ve got a cleaner, what about the laundry services? Using a weekly laundry service (laundry is the bane of my life so I really feel your frustration there).

Slow cooker dinners, minimal effort in terms of prep and actual hands on cooking time. I Chuck it in the night before and let it cook over night.

I’d suggest regular long weekends away too, one every couple of months, spa breaks etc with friends. Some time to mentally recharge.

Do you meditate? Are you open to it? I’ve recently discovered headspace after previously thinking that stuff was all a bit woo and it really does help!

But there are some careers where it isn't possible. It's not my employer, it's my career. I'd have to take an incredible career shift to change that. One I'm simply not prepared to do. Someone up thread my work is not my life, but it's career you really need to love!

I’m suggesting your DH could be the one to do this.

IT is not presenteeism in office. It can be handled with flex if the employer is willing to help the employee.

I appreciate NHS frontline is not… but you leave on time to get the kids from childcare, yes? So even your job I assume you’ve had to negotiate a fixed end time that can’t realistically run over?

@Sickit

But this would be a nice opening for a conversation. How would the DH cope if he was in that situation? If he could find a way to make it work, why can’t he do it now?

I know what you're saying, but he do shorter days when he had the kids and longer days when I did. We did it during covid, and there was limited childcare. It doesn't really help much though.

Why did it not help?

What happened on the days when he worked shorter hours and he did pick ups/cooked dinner/tidy up whilst you were still at work?

Anyone else think that if a man felt like this, he would just leave, rent a studio flat, find a child free GF and be a Disney dad every other weekend, with no guilt?

Yes but that’s a shitty thing to do to your kids and your partner. The best thing to do is to try to work something out as a couple, so the Dc don’t suffer, and that includes separating but doing it in a positive, fair way.

OP ignore the people who say work less. Worst advice ever. Sounds like work is the only thing getting you through right now. Leaving or reducing hours would not help you.

Agree, some jobs you can't just clock out ffs.

Hiya, I have also felt like this. When I went on mat leave for my second pregnancy, it spiralled so much into anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t even know what they were, I had “coped” so well with being with my toddler Mon-Fri. But losing that Saturday-Sunday “me time” at work, I realised I relied on it to cope and to do my best with the repetition, the endless slog of housework and entertainment and endless enriching activities.

Luckily have a really supportive husband so told him straight away. After a lot of unpicking, we decided, for me, it’s the mental strain that hits you every so often. The heavy realisation of the fact that you never come first, that your children must take priority, their feelings and needs, and it will be like that for years, and forever. Of course there is a lot more to it than that but that’s the gist

I don’t have the same fatalistic view that some others have had. I spoke to my husband, health visitor (luckily had an in person visit due to the impending newborn), my MIL, and midwives. I went from the kind of state where I’d be sobbing every bath time, my toddler seeing it and getting worried for her mummy, feeling guilty about that too… to now, taking her out two or three times a day to do the stuff I thought was totally killing my spirit a month ago (jumping in puddles, collecting leaves, going to play park). I’m planning and looking forward to making jam tarts with her on the weekend. Yet a month ago, I was struggling to get from 15:00 until 19:30 bedtime. Tight balls of tensions constantly in my throat and chest, shaking at the thought of the next meaningless task I had to do! I would certainly have thought some big life change might sort it all out! If not just to jolt myself out of the drudgery

I don’t have the answer for why its swapped over, maybe talking about it helped. I do know I will go back to that overwhelming mood/funk/anxiety, maybe even consider anti anxiety medication if it’s really bad with two young children. Your post has made a real impact on me, and I think I do still find some parts of motherhood really shit! I still don’t get more than a couple hours uninterrupted to myself. But I have made an effort to slow down around the house, to try to enjoy the little moments, to go with the flow.

I’m really sorry, that was all about me me me and my own experiences!! 🤦‍♀️😰 Yours are still really young, and the slog will ease up in time. Try to go easy on yourself xx 🌷

@RandomMess

DH could make sandwiches for the week and freeze them, he takes them out in the morning and their tea is plated up for when you get home.

A little things but relives you of the mental load etc.

When he gets up at 5.30 do you actually get back to sleep?

He needs to do at least 3 weekday mornings plus one weekend one seeing as you do 4 pick ups per week.

If you aren't actually sleeping past 5.30am you may as well get up and do some exercise and other "you" stuff.

How are you going to tackle the clock change and that being 4.30am. Is it worth you take some alternating annual leave to tackle the early wakings? If they went to bed later he could help with that and neither of you would be starting your day at 5.30am.

No, I don't get back to sleep. I usually read.

I like the making the weeks sandwiches idea.

The kids have almost always woken at 5.30, we've tried later bedtimes which make it worse. An earlier bedtime helped and moved DC1 from 5am to 5.30 but it didn't move beyond that. DC2 will often sleep later, 6 or so. DC1 can get up, make cereal and play on his tablet, but it still wakes me up.

I've also said 50:50 childcare would also work well but I don't want to separate from DH.

If you had 50-50 care how would your DH flex his inflexible job? How would you?