I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

Can you move house, closer to your husband's office?

Grief "3) You leave your family and your DH takes sole care of your DC (I know 2 people whose mothers did this. While it's still a taboo, it's a perfectly acceptable response if the alternative is irreparable damage to either you or your children from your misery)."

There's a variation option...i know two women who didn't feel at all happy with their decision. So they stayed but the DH is the main carer as they are more suited to it.

OP I know you feel like everything is insurmountable but it may be better to make a financial adjustment that gives DH the main childcare role. From what you say, you will need to advance your career to cover sime lost earnings and he might need to change jobs, but the couples I'm thinking of did manage that.

The other choice was for mum to leave and speaking honestly, they couldn't deal with the social stigma, even though men do it.

Then as DC got older, it got less of a problem anyway, this is a tough stage.

Would you leave op? If you could what would have to be the right requiremnts for it? If someone said tomorrow you could wish it all away would you? If you cant leave what is holding you back?

Just trying to dig deeper here to help you come up with some answers

Does your husband know how you feel?

I don't know if you're depressed or not. I've seen it mentioned a few times on the thread. But, lots of men leave their wives and kids, only to have 50/50 custody or every other weekend, and no one questions if they're depressed or not; it just seems normal.

Agree that the 5.30am waking must be a killer!! Please buy them a Gro Clock.
Things may look so much better when you've had a proper sleep...

Jesus, people. It’s okay to not like the company of your children, and all that they entail, while they’re small. To my mind, it’s perfectly natural, and the unnatural ones are those who manage to get any joy and fulfilment out of being constantly screamed at or cleaning up human effluent or of never even being able to just walk at a normal pace down the street for years.

I think time is going to be the biggest healer for you though, OP. As they get bigger they start to resemble normal human beings more and more.

I’m a single mum, but if I could, I think getting out of the house regularly in the evening is great for a bit of headspace. I like to go swimming when I can, for example. And I’m counting down the years until they’re old enough to leave at home while I just go and do something as simple as watering the allotment- that’ll be a game changer, I reckon.

OP, the constant demands from your children will become less constant. You are in the trenches still.
Mine are 5 and 7 and for a good year now we've had increasing chunks of peace while they are doing their own thing. You don't notice it because the periods of peace/independence from them increase in length by seconds, but it does improve.

In the immediate term - can your husband get up at 5.30 and let you have another hour or so to sleep? If he's not doing all the knackering tea time/bedtime gubbins he can get up earliest and do the first shift. I'm not surprised you are climbing the walls if you are up at 5.30 every day.

@Cakeofdoom

Given how you feel about your kids, Adoption ? Even if you packed them off to boarding school you'll still be stuck with them in the holidays

Please say this is a joke

Everyone is giving sensible options but none are appropriate for your situation so I'll give all the ridiculous ones that will never likely happen but you can laugh at.

1. Boarding school
2. Encourage your husband to find a second wife to help with the workload
3. Divorce your husband and give him full custody
4. Adoption agency and give them a cryptic note so they can decode it and find you when they're adults
5. Invent a time machine and go back to a life pre-kids

In all honesty, I felt similar to you. Not exactly the same, but similar.
I didn't enjoy motherhood and realised it may not be for me. In the end, it seems I was suffering with some lingering postpartum depression and was just going through a particularly tough stage with the kids.
I'm better now, they're behaviour is better now and I genuinely enjoy being with them.
Might it be worth speaking to your gp about how you're feeling?

Sorry but no sympathy at all OP.

You don't seem to do much housework (sandwiches and take away for tea? Bedding changed once a month? Cleaner?)

And you only spend 1.5 hrs with your kids in the evening before they go to bed.

The rest of the time you're working, which you say you love. You get lie ins, you get to read, your DH sounds like he pulls his weight.

Why so resentful then? Do you think life is meant to be solely about pleasing yourself? How depressing, your poor kids.

I don't think you really dislike being a Mum, you dislike the sheer drudgery of working FT, running a house and parenting two young children. That's totally different - you're basically overstretched and knackered!

Mine are 10 years older than yours and I can honestly say it does get better. There's no way they'll be waking up at 5:30 in a few years so that's more sleep for you. They'll also be able to wash, dress and have breakfast without your input- it's a huge relief when you don't need to micro-manage every morning!

As PP's have said, outsource whatever you can. One of my friends has hired a driver to take her DC to school - yes, it sounds like a huge luxury, but she's a single Mum and it makes her workday so much easier. I know you're very close to the school so perhaps just the pickups or something?

Also, don't feel bad about having a break with friends. I'm currently planning a weekend away with friends and I can't wait! You're entitled to the break and despite what you think, just being able to switch off for a couple of days will refresh you.

Hang in there, the hamster wheel will slow down.

Why would it be a joke ?
The OP has stated very clearly she doesn't want to be a mother, doesn't get pleasure from her children, doesn't want to be with them especially and want's to go to work and not come back ?

@AirsPairsandGraces

Sorry but no sympathy at all OP.

You don't seem to do much housework (sandwiches and take away for tea? Bedding changed once a month? Cleaner?)

And you only spend 1.5 hrs with your kids in the evening before they go to bed.

The rest of the time you're working, which you say you love. You get lie ins, you get to read, your DH sounds like he pulls his weight.

Why so resentful then? Do you think life is meant to be solely about pleasing yourself? How depressing, your poor kids.

I agree. I feel so sad for the children. Also if you're out the house for most of the day how messy can it get?

Oh OP

I am a single working mother who has had to do 100% of childcare and I really emphasise with you. I know what it is like trying to do childcare, childmin AND cooking, cleaning and washing AND a full time job AND never have any time for yourself (although tbf my cleaner does tidy up, so that’s something). It can easily add up to never enjoying your children, just experiencing them as a draining chore. I did not much enjoy my DC in the early years, if I am honest - it usually felt more about survival.

I don’t have a perfect solution for you. But I do think you need to have a serious sit down with your husband when you are both not too tired (maybe when kids are at GPs or have a sitter) and talk about how you feel. Maybe even at couples therapy, if you feel you might need a facilitator. If I were your husband I would rather know how serious things were and just how desperate you feel NOW, rather than after you serve him divorce papers because you have come to believe there’s no other option. You HAVE to get him to understand how serious your feelings are about this. If you want to stay together and you want to preserve your physical and mental health and happiness, it may come down to you both making some major life changes. Maybe he has to change job. Maybe you need to move house to somewhere with closer childcare/schools. The discussion needs to be had.

Do you think life is meant to be solely about pleasing yourself?

I certainly do - but that's exactly why I never want children. Threads like this make me so glad I don't have them. Sounds bloody awful and I don't really know what to say to OP other than to put them up for adoption/pack them off to boarding school.

what a depressing read. Everybody worries about how to
solve the " children
are hard work problem/ endless drudgery " for OP. No one worries about what it does to
the kids at that age ? They probably already know they're a " wish I
didn't have you issue " or "
I get no joy from
having kids ". I have two kids too, now older. DH worked abroad often, so had to
do
it all
alone but did not work FT. Yes, it was utterly exhausting. But not the DC fault. Do
you want to cause a life time of misery to them feeling unwanted ? Less fun than your career ? Own up that you hate having kids and figure out a a way to make yourself happy over them. I feel
so
sorry for your DC's , they did not pick being resented when they were born.

@QuickityQuackity

And how old are the children? This can be a big factor in the drain-element

3&6

I bet if you died your husbands employer works be more flexible.

Tell them you died.

He needs to tell them he needs to get out of work earlier. What's the use of being senior? Sometimes a man has to take a stand. But they never do.

Why the hell dont they?

Doesn't he get angry on his own behalf and on yours? Nah, as he's not taking up the slack.

They don't because a woman will always take up the slack. The tedious drudgery slack. 😕

I'm going to be brutal here...

Whilst you've been very honest and I completely remember feeling a bit like that during the Peppa Pig years, you do have far less drudgery to cope with than many. I don't think throwing nannies and housekeepers at this is the solution because your resentment is more deep rooted than anything an extra pair of hands can solve and you are already far more supported than most.

I am an only child and need solitude and quiet sometimes. DD never slept and was full on all the time and although DS was relatively easy, he was a clingy toddler. I was juggling part time job, caring for a mum with dementia and both the DC whilst DH was abroad a lot, so it was all on me. I remember feeling despair at times and like I'd do anything to get off the wheel. I hate mess and loathed the playground and I had DH in my ear telling me that all the other mums seemed to love it ( I know now this was bollocks and he was just regurgitating his own mother, but didn't at the time). I used to have fantasies about being in a minor traffic accident or something so I could just be in hospital and be left alone to read. I was that desperate. But I don't ever recall thinking that I got 'no joy' at all from the DC and that's what makes me think that you need more than a bit more childcare to fix this.

Can you think about what it is about being with the kids that you don't like? Is it the tedium of the playing? The inane chit chat? The lack of adult conversation? The neediness? The mess? The feeling of ultimate responsibility? Or simply resentment about the amount of time they take up? What?

If you can identify what it is, then you can focus your solution maybe. But I do think you need to talk to someone. Your situation is much better than many but your despair is deeper than most. It's not fair on you, your DH or your DC to continue like this.

I DO also think you need more sleep though.

OP many lovely people have offered some brilliant practical suggestions. These don’t seem to be resonating with you, which makes me think you need to do some emotional digging. Apologies if my response is a ‘fluffy’ in comparison but trying to offer you a different perspective. You say you get no pleasure from your children. Perhaps you forget what an astonishing feat is is to have them in the first place. Try to explore this - write your feelings down. Your children are your legacy. They each have their own unique purpose in this life. You may feel like you are going through the motions right now, but you are literally cultivating their future in every bath time, bedtime story, school drop off. The porridge pot of drudgery amounts to something much bigger even if you do not see that right now. You have no idea of who they may become, and the brilliant things they may go on achieve. Try to reframe your thoughts away from the granular details towards the bigger picture. Mindfulness, meditation, journaling may help you. I do not have children, but perhaps others on here who do can give you some ideas on how to connect with your children emotionally. I think that is what you need. Also, take time to eat better. You say your family has an awful diet of takeaways etc - you know that is not doing you any favours. You deserve good, nourishing food and meal times are a good time to connect. Best of luck to you.

I think you sound depressed…for your families sake and yours speak to your GP .

Mine are 7 and 4 and we both work full time.

Things that have helped us:

• doing the absolute minimum of housework during the week. We just do enough to keep things ticking over, then catch up at the weekend. So we’ll do washing through the week. Load the dishwasher every night. I’ll run the hoover across the floor if it’s particularly bad. Toys get chucked into the playroom and the door closed.

• iron as we go. No massive ironing piles here. Husband irons for the four of us every night in the kitchen with a podcast on. It takes him like 15 mins.

• Pizza Friday. Sandwiches/toasties for tea when they’ve had a hot lunch at school/nursery. Tuna pasta. Beans on toast.

• basic rules like, when you come in you take off your shoes and put them straight into the cupboard. Plates are taken back into the kitchen when you’re finished. Trying to get them into these habits. Eldest puts her own washing away. She quite enjoys it too.

I must admit though, I also changed jobs recently. Same sector but a huge gear shift. New job is not as exciting as my old one, but has almost none of the stress and no requirement to work in the evenings. My last job was so full on and heavy, and I ate, slept and breathed it. Maybe I’ll go back to it someday. But it got to the point that it was affecting my parenting (i.e. I wasn’t doing any…) and I had to put the girls first.

I have found that my whole mindset has changed because of it. I didn’t realise the fug of anxiety and stress I was living in because of my job, until I stopped doing it.

Another option on the nanny front is to realise it's just for a few years and go into debt for it. If you'd cover some of it with what you're currently paying in childcare anyway, work out what the extra is and see if it's feasible to borrow that until kids are old enough to go to school. Then maybe look at getting someone (an older teenager, maybe) to pick them up from after school club, walk them home and entertain them for an hour or two a few nights a week.

I think you have to sit down and work out what made you happy pre children and how to get it into your life - was it a hobby? having free time? having a clean house ? - or rather if the children vanished today what would you do? and then look at practical alternatives/answers.
It doesn't sounds to me that your life is that hard (sorry) - you and your husband don't work silly hours and he pulls his weight. Yes there are ways to help - can he work from home? what did you do during lockdown? you can get mothers help etc- cleaners can change bed linen... but i don't think its the problem.

I wouldn't call it drudgery like you stated. You have a nice house a cleaner. and childcare, and a job. And saying that you get no pleasure from your children, is odd, and very sad.

Maybe you are not organised in your home life, but could possibly make time during the week, to do things that you would really like to do on some days.