Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I want to go to work and never come back

461 replies

Sickit · 20/10/2021 20:49

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).
  • why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion
  • does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP posts:
Ifbutmaybe · 20/10/2021 23:37

And threads like this aren't the norm for most parents. I know a few older colleagues who never had kids, and all of them have said they regret not having them. Lonely life in the end. No children, no grandchildren.

ChristmasPlanning · 20/10/2021 23:37

I'm confused by why 50/50 sharing of the kids would help? Is it because you're focusing on the time away from them?

Have you always felt like this towards them or is it more recent?

WashableVelvet · 20/10/2021 23:38

I feel you. Things we’ve been considering for ourselves or trying out:
-after school nanny a few days a week (in our area there is a company called Koru, a neighbour is using them for this)
-cleaner does longer hours
-kids frozen microwave meals from Cook
-I leave the house the minute DH is home and go for a walk or bike ride
-kind of pretending we have 50/50 custody even though married, and alternating weeks of being in charge of childcare vs doing the long hours of work then socialising or gym afterwards.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Cakeofdoom · 20/10/2021 23:38

Given how you feel about your kids, Adoption ?

Even if you packed them off to boarding school you'll still be stuck with them in the holidays

Dancingonmoonlight · 20/10/2021 23:39

And if he DH spent MORE time there she could spend LESS time there and feel LESS overwhelmed and guilty and resentful. Then she’s enjoy it MORE when she was there…

She wants more free time than she would get from her DH doing a few extra school runs though! She doesn’t want to be with the children and wants/needs more childfree days. There isn’t a solution to this other than get a nanny/boarding school or plod on……

Animood · 20/10/2021 23:40

@Cakeofdoom

Given how you feel about your kids, Adoption ? Even if you packed them off to boarding school you'll still be stuck with them in the holidays
The kids have 2 parents. Surely this is too extreme?
Sleeplessem · 20/10/2021 23:40

@Ifbutmaybe

And threads like this aren't the norm for most parents. I know a few older colleagues who never had kids, and all of them have said they regret not having them. Lonely life in the end. No children, no grandchildren.
Oh Hush come on. Someone’s life can still be complete without children and someone can still very lonely with 4+ kids.

How OP feels is legitimate and a lot of women (and men I’m sure) feel the same way but don’t voice how they feel due to reactions like this

BlackSwan · 20/10/2021 23:42

Such a pity for your children to understand their mother doesn’t adore them. Because they do know.
You sound totally juvenile and undeserving.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/10/2021 23:43

Having read all of the advice and your responses I don't think anything practical is going to make you happy with your situation OP. You have 2 DC and can't change that fact so I think your mindset needs to change for your own sake and for your DCs. They'll soon pick up on your resentment and unhappiness. Counselling might be the way forward.

Griefmonster · 20/10/2021 23:43

You have 3 options as far as I can tell:

  1. Make changes to your current situation to make more time for yourself, away from your children (very common. I have done this at different times when I have found being a mother particularly hard)

  2. You split with your DH with both taking care of children 50/50 (very common although usually because spouses stop getting on rather than parent/child but I'm sure it's not that uncommon).

  3. You leave your family and your DH takes sole care of your DC (I know 2 people whose mothers did this. While it's still a taboo, it's a perfectly acceptable response if the alternative is irreparable damage to either you or your children from your misery).

Making no comment on your decisions OP as there are clearly limitations on your situation that I didn't have. But as an example of managing the number 1) approach -

My issue has always been needing time completely alone so I focussed on:
Solitary hobbies that get me out of the house (running, night classes that are not social, cinema etc)
Both DH and worked 4 days each throughout young child years. So each had a day when DC were in school to do what we wanted. Not chores but our interests.

All the stuff about low standards that you already do.

Don't be scared.to properly think through and plan for options 2 or 3 though. Sometimes seeing them as possible is enough to see new ways of managing.

I think this might be helpful too if it doesn't get better with DC getting older too. In my experience it really did ease as they got older.

I also wouldnt rush to assume that there isn't some mental health issue somewhere too. There was for me. I didn't miraculously enjoy my children more when I got help for that but I was able to see solutions or compromises more easilly.

I also don't really believe in what ifs. No point on wishing you hadn't had kids. You did so you have to deal in reality.

LaurenKelsey · 20/10/2021 23:44

OP, please get more outside help. I don’t think you’ve told us their ages, but can your DC be taught to help? If they’re too young, please make it a priority as they get older to get a good routine of chores in their schedule. Get someone to help with laundry and tidying up. Perhaps a local teenager? I have been in your shoes and had all the same feelings! Take all the help you’re able to get. This will pass, believe me!!

Cakeofdoom · 20/10/2021 23:44

Perhaps, but the OP isn't willing to try and change and derives no pleasure from being their mother - this is extreme

HaveringWavering · 20/10/2021 23:44

One thing that we do is that I have one evening a week which is completely mine to do with as I please. DH is responsible for collecting our son from after school club at 6 (we only have one child) and he does the entire evening and bed time routine. I sometimes have to use the evening to work late- as in till 10pm late- but it helps me immensely in my working week to know I have that evening to use as a buffer if needed, without having to ask him for it as-hoc. If I have no work to do I might meet a friend, go to the theatre or the gym or even just come home and do my own thing there. Obviously I do the same for him on another evening each week. Would that help do you think?

Animood · 20/10/2021 23:46

I don't think OP wants practical solutions here... maybe she just wants people to empathise with her!

oakleaffy · 20/10/2021 23:47

Of course it gets better when children are grown- but then there are other worries.
Washing- or rather the drying of it- is a pain.
Meals too.
Probably loads feel like it is a drudge - housework is a bore for most people.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 20/10/2021 23:47

Those 5:30 wake ups a massive problem. You must be permanently sleep deprived, which sucks the joy out of life. You need to insist that the children stay in bed and do not wake you up. They need to know that 5:30 is still night-time. Your husband needs a very quiet alarm which wakes only him, then he washes and dresses downstairs.

Make sure that everyone has low-iron or no iron clothes and get a washer-dryer. Hoovering 1 x a week only. Keep sink and bath wipes in toilet and bathroom to give a quick maintenance wipe and deep clean every fortnight. Dusting? Never. I cannot understand why your evening household chores are taking so long. Is it because you are exhausted?

How many hours sleep are you getting every night?

Kintsugi16 · 20/10/2021 23:48

Could you do housework early in the morning as you’re awake, to leave evenings free? Mine were taught to not wake us until 7am when they were quite young though.

Get the DC involved with helping and have fun with them! What irritates you most about them?

SmellyOldOwls · 20/10/2021 23:49

Being tired always makes things worse, do you have to get up at half 5 or can you chuck a tablet at them til a reasonable time?

It sounds like you just don't like being at home which makes sense if you can't get in control of tidying it up. A massive declutter and getting some extra storage will really help with that. Nothing worse than drowning in Lego and hot wheels and other plastic toys especially in the evening when the kids have gone to bed.

You also need an evening to yourself once a week for a hobby. When DS was 2 I started learning a language and oh my god it turned my life around. Just getting out of the house not for drudgework like work or grocery shopping made me feel like an actual human being rather than a cart horse.

user1471519931 · 20/10/2021 23:50

I salute you for being so honest. I could have written your post but you articulate it all way better than I could. Work is the only place I get to feel like myself and where my opinions are valued and where I am truly respected as a person in my own right.

Kintsugi16 · 20/10/2021 23:50

@Animood

I don't think OP wants practical solutions here... maybe she just wants people to empathise with her!
Yep.
noirchatsdeux · 20/10/2021 23:51

@Ifbutmaybe I'm 53, knew from age 9 I didn't want children, never changed my mind, had two abortions to make sure I didn't have children...and have never regretted either for a single second. I'm far from lonely.

My mother was a shit parent, none of her 3 children have had children of their own (and she doesn't understand why because she is clueless), so no grandchildren. Two of her children live as far away from her as it is possible to be. She's lonely. So yeah, having children guarantees fuck all.

SRS29 · 20/10/2021 23:52

OP honestly this sounds like me.....our daughters are now 20 & 16....we both worked full time...husband away all week...me in the office full time (working from home?!)...just deal with it...your choice...if not happy? then bail....I did it all and survived and loved it..and my daughters have a fabulous role model x

dottypencilcase · 20/10/2021 23:52

I. So. Fucking. Get. It. @Sickit it's like a never ending nightmare. I love the children but when I think back to my life prechildren/marriage, my heart sinks at how I wasted it worrying about the future and not loving/living it for what it was. Women are definitely sold a lie.

oakleaffy · 20/10/2021 23:53

Why in the name of sanity have more than one child if you can’t handle being parent?

girafferafferaffe · 20/10/2021 23:57

Out of interest, were you happy with one child? Did this feeling start after having dc2? Asking as I wonder if this is deep rooted resentment for dh insisting on the second pregnancy which has turned on the children.

Don't get me wrong, I have one child and it is absolute drudgery and there are days that I wish I could be at work because dealing with problems at work is easier. But she is just the best thing ever.

Do you think the children know you resent them? Are you outwardly annoyed at them?