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Original poster

I want to go to work and never come back

461 replies

Sickit · 20/10/2021 20:49

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).
  • why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion
  • does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP posts:
Amboseli · 20/10/2021 23:18

I felt like you did when mine were younger. Like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I was on the most unrewarding exhausting hamster wheel.

A few things helped me survive. Regular breaks away without DH or DCs. A regular babysitter every Saturday afternoon, DH and I would go out for lunch/movie etc. A cleaner who did everything, including changing bedsheets, laundry, putting away laundry, basically anything that needed doing. She was a godsend.

It got much much much easier and enjoyable when they were late primary/secondary. And they are now 15&18 and a joy.

I would say find a different cleaner. Mine would collect DC's from school and do their dinner sometimes too. She was more like a live out au pair I suppose. She was with us for 12 years and was really part of the family.

Animood · 20/10/2021 23:18

@LizzieSiddal

Anyone else think that if a man felt like this, he would just leave, rent a studio flat, find a child free GF and be a Disney dad every other weekend, with no guilt?

Yes but that’s a shitty thing to do to your kids and your partner. The best thing to do is to try to work something out as a couple, so the Dc don’t suffer, and that includes separating but doing it in a positive, fair way.

Never said it was good!

Just saying that's what would happen!!

LizzieSiddal · 20/10/2021 23:19

Not true. I'd love a nanny and think it would be the solution. But unfortunately it's not possible.

I've also said 50:50 childcare would also work well but I don't want to separate from DH.

So you know you’d like 50:50 childcare and possibly a nanny. Then sit down, talk to your H about how you are going to achieve one of these things. If he isn’t any help go to a counsellor and ask them to help you work it out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
crochetmonkey74 · 20/10/2021 23:19

What are your weekends like OP?

Lorddenning1 · 20/10/2021 23:19

Probably not very helpful but you need to suck it up, working full time with 2 young children is always going to be hard, if you work long hours and your job is important to you and you are not willing to reduce your hours, what do you expect. You can't have it all unfortunately, something has to give and you are directing your exhaustion and feeling of despair to your children. It's not their fault, they didn't ask to be born. If you are not willing to change anything you need to dig deep and put your big girl pants on and get on with it.

RandomMess · 20/10/2021 23:20

Seriously look into a nanny, how you could afford it, how long would it take to repay the loan for it.

Could you get a nanny 2 or 3 days per week and nursery the other days? You could even look at a nanny share.

Summerfun54321 · 20/10/2021 23:21

Move abroad somewhere where you can afford a maid?

LizzieSiddal · 20/10/2021 23:21

If you are not willing to change anything you need to dig deep and put your big girl pants on and get on with it.

This x 1000.

Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 23:22

@NoSquirrels

But there are some careers where it isn't possible. It's not my employer, it's my career. I'd have to take an incredible career shift to change that. One I'm simply not prepared to do. Someone up thread my work is not my life, but it's career you really need to love!

I’m suggesting your DH could be the one to do this.

IT is not presenteeism in office. It can be handled with flex if the employer is willing to help the employee.

I appreciate NHS frontline is not… but you leave on time to get the kids from childcare, yes? So even your job I assume you’ve had to negotiate a fixed end time that can’t realistically run over?

Not really, I 'finish' at 4.30, and have to get the kids by 6.30 it's very rare that I run over that (twice in 6 years) 1 time DH got an Uber and hung around outside with the kids till I could collect them and 2nd time a friend collected and met DH at home. I work 2 mins drive from school.

DH could, but he's got a very good (interesting, enjoyable) job and he'd either have to move jobs or move kids school.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 20/10/2021 23:23

@Luckingfovely

I do hear you, and have definitely had moments when just trying to raise two kids with two full time jobs has just felt impossible. We're a few years on now, and I promise you, life does get better.

If I may suggest something, it would be to take a step back and reassess calmly. You have had very good explanations for why you can't do any of the things mentioned on the thread, and I get that you are feeling totally stuck.

There are options though - there's a massive gap between your current situation and a full time nanny. The cleaner is the most obvious thing - you need to switch to a housekeeper role with more hours who will keep on top of the house and food for you. And, can you review childcare arrangements and swap to a childminder who would pick them up and take them home, for example?

There are ways to improve the situation, but you have to take a breath and be open to changing a few things and probably spending a bit more money in order to improve your quality of life.

And lastly - the phrases that have sustained me throughout a decade of parenting - everything is only a phase, and whatever is crap right now won't be crap next month. Something else probably will be, but hey, at least it changes. This Too Shall Pass.

I completely agree with this.

I was you but with a live in aupair, a 10 year arrangement I gritted my teeth and endured with a vengeance but it made the logistics bearable and I sucked it up until the youngest was 11 and then no need childcare. They could start to take themselves to school.

I cannot tell you how liberating that is. That is your future as the night follows the day. Just stick with it.

Now I am sad my older one is leaving for uni soon. The tables have turned.

Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 23:23

@RandomMess

Seriously look into a nanny, how you could afford it, how long would it take to repay the loan for it.

Could you get a nanny 2 or 3 days per week and nursery the other days? You could even look at a nanny share.

Yes, we could look at this
OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 20/10/2021 23:24

How big and fancy is your house? Do the children share a bedroom or could you downsize, let the kids share for a few years while you get some paid help.

Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 23:25

@crochetmonkey74

What are your weekends like OP?
One day I get a lie in. The other day DH does. One day we tend to go out as a family, the other we meet friends, catch up on work or have a lazy day.
OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 20/10/2021 23:26

Actually you do sound depressed and yes it can be situational! Also, if your children are waking you up at 5.30am, then keep them up a bit later.
Do you actually make time as a family to do fun things with the kids (family trips out/swimming etc). Because if you're trying to avoid them, then all you are experiencing is all the hassle of the chores and none of the joy of actually just having a bit of fun as a family. And if you do that, then maybe you'd feel less resentful. The good times are what keeps you going through all the bad and the daily grind. I think that you need to sort out your low mood first and work on building a nicer bond with your children rather than trying to carry on/lament your pre child life.

Babynameq21 · 20/10/2021 23:26

Have you always felt like this about your children @Sickit or is it more recent?

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2021 23:26

DH could, but he's got a very good (interesting, enjoyable) job and he'd either have to move jobs or move kids school.

This is what I’m driving at.

Your hours are 2 hours less than his every day, but you work extra (because you can’t leave on time) whilst not getting paid for those hours. You then do all the evening shitwork.

Your DH ‘cannot’ renegotiate his hours AT ALL apparently- even though absolutely loads of IT role stuff, particularly at senior management level, could be done flexibly (I assume they managed remotely during Covid?)

Tell he again why his life doesn’t need to change to help your family function better?

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 20/10/2021 23:27

Could you hire someone to help just in the afternoon/evening for a couple of hours - so like an au-pair but only v part time? Like a childcare student or something? Wouldn't be as expensive as a nanny as you'd be there but would take up the slack so you didn't feel so frazzled?

FancyPuffin · 20/10/2021 23:28

Why not sell your expensive house, buy somewhere cheaper and tell your DH that he has to give up work/work part time and take over the majority of the childcare.

You’re unhappy and therefore are shooting down all the reasonable suggestions you’ve been given. It sounds like you get a decent amount of support and the one issue is your kids. No extra cleaners will solve that. It sucks that you’re stuck with children you don’t want but you are, you sound so petulant when you speak about them. You could contact social services and say you want them taken but would you really do that? It’s not the children’s fault they exist, in particular the second one, you knew the score and still went ahead. They’re going to have a pretty shit life if they’re treated as an inconvenience so it’s up to your husband to pick the slack.

And don’t freeze sandwich’s for fucks sake, I don’t care how tired/annoyed/busy someone is they can take 5 minutes to butter and fill a couple of slices of bread. Defrosted sandwich’s are rank.

Dancingonmoonlight · 20/10/2021 23:29

Interesting how many posters offer solutions that try to shoehorn the op into enjoying being a mother, as if it's that tweak that would make it better. It doesn't for me, still have to go back to the damageingly boring and frustrating situation of low/no autonomy because the children suck it all up.

I agree.
Posters are telling the OP how to reduce the hours spent cooking and doing housework, to reduce the time she spends doing school drop offs and failing that seek counselling.
The OP finds being at home dull and boring so people suggest she reduces her hours so she can spend longer there.
She says her DH helps but people say he should help more.
None of this will magically help her to want to spend MORE time at home. She wants to spend LESS time there. She doesn’t enjoy it. She hates it.
Is it really so difficult to comprehend that not all women enjoy sitting on the floor playing with small children or putting them to bed.
It is such such a leap to say that she needs medication or counselling for realising this life is not for her.
How can she get out of it? Boarding school is a solution OP if you can afford it? Knowing that doing what you are doing has a timeline might help?

crochetmonkey74 · 20/10/2021 23:29

I think you may be getting more time than you think, yes your weekdays are manic and relentless no doubt but one day a week, you have the opportunity to go off and do your own thing?

simitra · 20/10/2021 23:30

Threads like this make me soooooo glad I chose never to have children.

NoSquirrels · 20/10/2021 23:31

She says her DH helps but people say he should help more.
None of this will magically help her to want to spend MORE time at home. She wants to spend LESS time there.

And if he DH spent MORE time there she could spend LESS time there and feel LESS overwhelmed and guilty and resentful. Then she’s enjoy it MORE when she was there…

Ifbutmaybe · 20/10/2021 23:33

You sound like you are unhappy with having no freedom between work and home life. I have a young child myself and even though it can get tedious I know it won't be forever. Once they start school and grow up thing obviously get less full on in a care sense. You need a hobby or time with friends more often. And you have considered seperating literally because you know it would give you more freedom. I think that is selfish.

namechangealerttt · 20/10/2021 23:36

If you think you can't afford additional home help, throwing money at the problem is a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Also, apologies have read about half the thread and seen noone mention it yet. You can't relax while there is mess so need to tidy first, your husband needs to rest then gets the energy to tidy. I am female but I am like your husband in this situation. After an extremely exhausting day, I needed to sit with a cup of tea and recuperate before I could get the energy to tidy up after the kids were in bed...my ex (who had been all day in an office job) would stomp around me giving me the evil eye that I wasn't 'helping'.

If you know your partner works differently to you, try and work on how you react to things...maybe just clean one small area you can relax in after you spend time tidying, then let him spend time tidying...resenting him for doing things differently will break you.

Also 50:50 care has transformed my life, I absolutely adore my kids when I see them only half the week, instead of resenting everything 7 days a week.

HaveringWavering · 20/10/2021 23:36

And don’t freeze sandwich’s for fucks sake, I don’t care how tired/annoyed/busy someone is they can take 5 minutes to butter and fill a couple of slices of bread. Defrosted sandwich’s are rank.

Agree 100%.

Pages and pages of really helpful practical advice on here and the only thing you say you are willing to try is freezing bloody sandwiches?!