Young babies in nursery

[MadameHomais]

I have been reading another thread about a six month old in nursery for around 12 hours a day.
I must admit that I am very uninformed and I didn’t realise young babies could be left at nursery for such long hours.
It made me wonder how do the nurseries manage such young babies?
I look after my ten month old grandson 5 days a week, 10 am until 5 pm and I think that is a long time for him to be away from his parents, but needs must.
I collect his cousins from school three days a week and on those days I am in bed by 8.30 pm! I am a light weight now I am in my late fifties.
I do enjoy childcare though.
I do realise how fortunate I was with my own four children. I had help from my mother in law and a sympathetic employer. I don’t recall any other friends having to use nurseries for such long hours 30 plus years ago.
I am so sorry that we live in a society where, sometimes, both parents have to return to work when their children are so young.

Or = Nor

Here we go

’Let me tell you, completely unsolicited, how terrible I think your choices are, those choices you've had to make that allow you to keep a roof over your head. I’m surprised you’re allowed really. I wouldn’t let you’

@Bumblethebee

**That is a very good point. My mother was a SAHM. She was also abusive. I've not spoken to her for 9 years now. She has never met my children and I am not the only sibling who is NC with her.

Not working while your children are small has zero correlation with whether you are a good parent. Neither does having local family who don't need to work themselves and are prepared to do free childcare for you. That is pure luck.**

Yep! My Mum wasn’t abusive as such, but she failed in a lot of ways and I want to be the complete opposite to her. I’d rather put my children with a nursery I trust, and have lovely quality time together. My daughter and I are very close. She’s my everything. I think if I stayed at home she would watch too much TV, she gets so much more out of nursery and our 2 days together in the week.

I have twins too and I know a lot of twin Mums give up work but I plan for them to do 30 hours from about age 1. It’s great for them and great for me. Plus my employer will let me do school hours when the time comes so I’d be stupid to leave my job.

That sounds really good, a great balance for all of your children. My friends who are SAHP find it very hard while their children are tiny. Mine loved nursery and got a lot from having their own friendships there. I also have a nanny who is another very positive extra adult in their lives who has worked with us since they were tiny.

There was a balance of family time, time with our nanny who is now a part of our family, and time with friends. I felt that I was a better and more patient, fun parent during my days with them than I would have been if I was with them every single day, and also then with no job I'd not have been able to take them anywhere like zoos, farms, holidays, cafés, Christmas trips, sports and music and arty classes they enjoyed, etc.

@FTEngineerM

Not working while your children are small has zero correlation with whether you are a good parent.

Fantastic point, my mother was a SAHP and she’s absolutely psychotic so me or my brother talk to her.

My father otoh worked, sometimes A LOT, and he’s an outstanding parent.

I’m sure in other peoples families it’s different but that was mine.

It literally makes zero difference.

Same here. My father always worked full time. We are very close and he is a brilliant parent.

@PainAuChocowhat

Here we go

’Let me tell you, completely unsolicited, how terrible I think your choices are, those choices you've had to make that allow you to keep a roof over your head. I’m surprised you’re allowed really. I wouldn’t let you’

😂😂😂

Yup, that's about the size of it!

Things to think about about OP.. Your DC would have to use childcare if :

1. You were dead or died, God forbid
2. You lived the other side of the country or world
3. You didn't get on
4. You worked to

They would also need 12 hrs if:

1. They had a long commute
2. Worked shifts (some are 10 hours long)

I'm sure if they had the choice they wouldn't be doing it.

Many people cannot afford to give up work .Many have trained and worked hard .Its unlikely that many people buying a home today will be able to manage without a second income .Your family are lucky that you are avaliable to help out .Most people are not as fortunate .Many DGP dont live nearby,or are still working/ unable/unwilling to babysit. You are looking after DGS 10 to 5pm which is 35 hours pw .Add on travel and its probably near on 40 hours.What would your daughter do if God Forbid you were unable to carry on with this arrangement.I have been a Nursery School Teacher and babies are well cared for by experienced staff! They are not put in playpens and left to themselves FFS! YABU here

@Franklyfrost

I think little babies at nursery is sad because they don’t get the love they would if they had the same primary care givers every day. It would be lovely if everyone had parents to do childcare or wages were high enough for just one partner to work. But life’s not like that and nurseries aren’t terrible places.

This also is not really true. The nursery that my children went to had the same 4 staff in the baby room for the entire time that they both attended. They had very close, personal relationships with these staff, who effectively became extended family for them (which we did not have locally). They used to babysit for me also. And we still see them now. Your assumptions about nurseries are misplaced: a good nursery can be a fantastic, stimulating and nurturing environment and I am so, so grateful for the people who provide it.

@Franklyfrost

I think little babies at nursery is sad because they don’t get the love they would if they had the same primary care givers every day. It would be lovely if everyone had parents to do childcare or wages were high enough for just one partner to work. But life’s not like that and nurseries aren’t terrible places.

Or if posts like this didn't assume that the only reason women work after having children is because they are forced to by the cost of living. Usually followed by a grumble about how 'feminism' did this.

@Clandestin agreed. This whole thing drips with misogyny. Despite the whole "one parent stay at home" rhetoric it's very clear who is presumed to be that parent in 99% of cases. I really hope these batshit attitudes are gone by the time my daughter is an adult but given the handwringing here about women having a life outside the home, things seem to be going backwards.

I don't so any threads full of angst on male dominated forums about the supposed damage done to children by childcare or how they have not become SAHDs.

Eyes really need to open, at some point. I live in hope.

Its unlikely that many people buying a home today will be able to manage without a second income .

That’s a very good point. You will never get a decent mortgage on one income unless that income is extremely high. I worked in mortgage advice and my heart would sink when I had appointments where one person was a SAHP because I knew it would probably be unaffordable for them which is always upsetting.

I meant don't see any threads.

I find your post a bit judgemental to be honest.

It's great for your children you are willing to do all that childcare, many people don't have that luxury and tbh I wouldn't have my parents watching my child full time, that seems very selfish. My parents have done their time raising children and I don't expect them to raise mine.

Not all parents need to return to work, often we want to and it's not something to feel sorry for us about.

My little one goes to nursery 9-5, four days per week. And she absolutely loves it, she can't wait to go and talks about it all the time. She has also progressed and developed hugely since she started at 9 months old. Personally I think children get a lot more from being a nursery or a child minder than being with a parent or grandparent all the time. My child certainly has.

Just because it isn't the way you'd do it, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it

Oh lovely....a thread judging working parents.
We've not had one for a few days.

Has anyone commented on how children wouldn't need to be left in childcare if their mothers didn't feel the need to work for handbags, shoes and holidays yet??? Those are always my favourite type of comments.

@Bumblethebee

*Its unlikely that many people buying a home today will be able to manage without a second income .*

That’s a very good point. You will never get a decent mortgage on one income unless that income is extremely high. I worked in mortgage advice and my heart would sink when I had appointments where one person was a SAHP because I knew it would probably be unaffordable for them which is always upsetting.

True in many cases, definitely. Probably most. But not always.

As one of the vilified parents who put their children into nursery at 6 months old because I was a lone parent by then, I have a mortgage on a very nice house for my children to live in. No equity/ assets from ex husband. Yes the mortgage is huge. It is a huge weight on me to be solely responsible for that and for all of the childcare etc. But even having done what you say is very unusual, apparently I'm a terrible parent because they went to nursery so that I could work to give them a nice and stable home.

Women cannot win. We are always in the wrong. My SAHM friends worry that they are setting a poor example to their children. They worry that they have lost financial independence. I have other friends who have to work even more than me and they feel guilty constantly. I worry because people tell me that I'm causing my children psychological damage by using childcare, even though I condensed my hours to 4 days, I work flexibly so I can do drop offs and pickups some days, attend parent's evenings and school plays etc.

Whatever we do we are told we are wrong. I never see posts from fathers - here or elsewhere - who are anxious about such things (I'm sure some such posts exist but it's not exactly common, whereas every single woman I know feels guilty no matter what they have decided to do with the work/ childcare balance). When will women stop attacking each other and fight for real equality?

Or if posts like this didn't assume that the only reason women work after having children is because they are forced to by the cost of living. Usually followed by a grumble about how 'feminism' did this.

Oh yes, another common comment.
Alongside 'why did you bother having children' which is so incredibly insulting.

I suspect that in a lot of cases, most women need to work so the family can pay for the kind of lifestyle people seem to expect nowadays. With many of the people around me, when I was of that age, there was no bedsit, terraced house or 1-bed flat starter home; it is straight to the big, 4-bed detached house on a new estate now. 2 or 3 holidays per year. 2 big cars on the driveway. Nursery bills. These lifestyle choices doesn't come cheap.

Yes, there are those who have careers they need/want to maintain and those who simply want to work, too. But in my experience, doing regular office jobs, most were working simply to fund their chosen lifestyle.

@SpinsForGin

Or if posts like this didn't assume that the only reason women work after having children is because they are forced to by the cost of living. Usually followed by a grumble about how 'feminism' did this.

Oh yes, another common comment.
Alongside 'why did you bother having children' which is so incredibly insulting.

Yep we had that earlier in the thread as well. 😒😡😤

@Westerman

I suspect that in a lot of cases, most women need to work so the family can pay for the kind of lifestyle people seem to expect nowadays. With many of the people around me, when I was of that age, there was no bedsit, terraced house or 1-bed flat starter home; it is straight to the big, 4-bed detached house on a new estate now. 2 or 3 holidays per year. 2 big cars on the driveway. Nursery bills. These lifestyle choices doesn't come cheap.

Yes, there are those who have careers they need/want to maintain and those who simply want to work, too. But in my experience, doing regular office jobs, most were working simply to fund their chosen lifestyle.

Oh here we go. I am struggling to tell if this is satire, about the absurd comments people have posted? Like when people say millenials can't afford houses because they eat avodaco on toast?

Either that or you need to go away and get some therapy until you are back in touch with reality.

I suspect that in a lot of cases, most women need to work so the family can pay for the kind of lifestyle people seem to expect nowadays. With many of the people around me, when I was of that age, there was no bedsit, terraced house or 1-bed flat starter home; it is straight to the big, 4-bed detached house on a new estate now. 2 or 3 holidays per year. 2 big cars on the driveway. Nursery bills. These lifestyle choices doesn't come cheap.

Yes, there are those who have careers they need/want to maintain and those who simply want to work, too. But in my experience, doing regular office jobs, most were working simply to fund their chosen lifestyle.

Oh yes, here we are! The old ' working for luxuries' bollocks. It never takes long...

@Westerman

I suspect that in a lot of cases, most women need to work so the family can pay for the kind of lifestyle people seem to expect nowadays. With many of the people around me, when I was of that age, there was no bedsit, terraced house or 1-bed flat starter home; it is straight to the big, 4-bed detached house on a new estate now. 2 or 3 holidays per year. 2 big cars on the driveway. Nursery bills. These lifestyle choices doesn't come cheap.

Yes, there are those who have careers they need/want to maintain and those who simply want to work, too. But in my experience, doing regular office jobs, most were working simply to fund their chosen lifestyle.

I don’t know anyone like that. Most young families I know are in one-bed flats, or at a push two, without a garden, no flash holidays, no car, or perhaps one. It’s not lifestyle choices. It’s that the cost of living is huge and salaries don’t match.

@TheEvilPea that’s great you were able to buy the house all by yourself. That’s something to be very proud of.

[quote Bumblethebee]@TheEvilPea that’s great you were able to buy the house all by yourself. That’s something to be very proud of. [/quote]
Thank you. But I also know that I am incredibly fortunate and many others are not.

My ex Dil worked in a nursery and often said how common this was and how she felt sorry for the children. I went back to work part time when my youngest was one and I struggled to leave him for 20 hours a week with a relative not even in nursery! I know that times have changed and people often need two salaries but theres a big difference between needing two wage packets to put food on the table and pay the mortgage and doing it so that you can maintain a certain lifestyle.