Young babies in nursery

[MadameHomais]

I have been reading another thread about a six month old in nursery for around 12 hours a day.
I must admit that I am very uninformed and I didn’t realise young babies could be left at nursery for such long hours.
It made me wonder how do the nurseries manage such young babies?
I look after my ten month old grandson 5 days a week, 10 am until 5 pm and I think that is a long time for him to be away from his parents, but needs must.
I collect his cousins from school three days a week and on those days I am in bed by 8.30 pm! I am a light weight now I am in my late fifties.
I do enjoy childcare though.
I do realise how fortunate I was with my own four children. I had help from my mother in law and a sympathetic employer. I don’t recall any other friends having to use nurseries for such long hours 30 plus years ago.
I am so sorry that we live in a society where, sometimes, both parents have to return to work when their children are so young.

[quote Bumblethebee]@TheEvilPea absolutely.

Everyone I know who does 3 days would need long days in childcare, once you factor in a commute. I personally find it the perfect balance. 4 days with me/ us, and 3 days in a fun, caring and nurturing environment with trained staff and other children.

The alternative is giving up work, and then you’d have to get a shit job when they go to school. I’d rather stick it out now, keep my career and be around for when they start school.

My mum stayed at home when I was a baby/ toddler. Don’t remember any of it.[/quote]
That is a very good point. My mother was a SAHM. She was also abusive. I've not spoken to her for 9 years now. She has never met my children and I am not the only sibling who is NC with her.

Not working while your children are small has zero correlation with whether you are a good parent. Neither does having local family who don't need to work themselves and are prepared to do free childcare for you. That is pure luck.

I don't think the OP was being judgy really. Everyone does what they think is best. I have to go back to work next month, and my DH will take over childcare (we both get 16w parental leave here), but DD will be in nursery from January at 7mo. No grandparents around to help, no other options. If I could be a SAHM I would, but not possible unfortunately if we want to pay the mortgage. Roll on Euromillions...

If the OP didn't intend to be judgey and is genuinely so completely oblivious to the cost of living in the UK these days that she had no idea that single parents exist or that most families cannot afford to have a SAHP, then perhaps she should have typed a couple of phrases into Google to inform herself prior to posting something so unpleasant on Mumsnet.

Nurseries manage young babies just fine.....one of my grandaughterS ( now 6 ) went from 7 months and developed lovely bonds with the staff ( she did 3 long days) ..... I’m 56 and have 3 grandaughters....I work...but even if I didn’t I wouldn’t commit to the childcare that you provide..... but I don’t judge you...if it works for you that’s great....So please do not judge others....you come across as very smug

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

What’s the point of your post?

Do nursery take young children? Yes. From about 6 weeks some of them

Do parents WANT to leave their child for 12 hours a day? Some of them yes

Do parents NEED to leave their child for 12 hours a day? Some of them yes

Is your child extremely lucky that they can leave their children with a family member and presumably not pay extortionate fees? Yes

Are you a mug for doing all that childcare when retired? Yes

Is this the goady-est thread I’ve read today? YES

That about sums it up.

Honestly, OP, drop the faux-naiveté.

**That is a very good point. My mother was a SAHM. She was also abusive. I've not spoken to her for 9 years now. She has never met my children and I am not the only sibling who is NC with her.

Not working while your children are small has zero correlation with whether you are a good parent. Neither does having local family who don't need to work themselves and are prepared to do free childcare for you. That is pure luck.**

Yep! My Mum wasn’t abusive as such, but she failed in a lot of ways and I want to be the complete opposite to her. I’d rather put my children with a nursery I trust, and have lovely quality time together. My daughter and I are very close. She’s my everything. I think if I stayed at home she would watch too much TV, she gets so much more out of nursery and our 2 days together in the week.

I have twins too and I know a lot of twin Mums give up work but I plan for them to do 30 hours from about age 1. It’s great for them and great for me. Plus my employer will let me do school hours when the time comes so I’d be stupid to leave my job.

@TheEvilPea

I agree. Personally I think it’s completely unacceptable to leave babies in nurseries for 12 hours a day. It’s shit for the babies, and as for those sticking up for the parents saying they shouldn’t even need to go to work to leave their babies in nursery all day, it’s fine just because they want a break from them, why the fuck have them then?? So they’re in nursery 12 hours a day and presumably asleep for at least 8 hours through the night when you actually have them at home? I know some people get stuck when circumstances change, but I don’t get people who have babies with the intention of putting them straight into childcare most of the time

Wow. So in your opinion people who cannot afford to give up their jobs should not have children? There wouldn't be many children around at all.

Yes because that’s exactly what I said 🙄

Leaving all the nursery and childcare comments aside, the OP must be aware that most people in their 50s will still be working full time and won’t have the luxury to regard 10-5 as being long hours and hard work.

@Winniemarysarah so just to clarify is 3 x 12 hour days at nursery completely unacceptable to you?

Ah, you are just a trouble maker ain’t ya.

@Jubilate the emotional needs of the mother, aka me, was one of the reasons DD started nursery 2 months earlier than my return to work, properly supported by my physiatrist.

I had severe PND and DD going to nursery and me going back to work was the best decision for all our emotional needs we could make.

Just because I am not being the sole carer for my daughter doesn’t mean I am a bad parent.

And, how many are questioning the dads’ working full time? They go to work 5 days a week on average and nobody thinks that this is a bad decision for the child. My DH is in some case the better parent than I am. And higher salaries are not always the reason.

@Winniemarysarah yes that is exactly what your post implies: if people who intend to put their young children into childcare for significant hours should not have children, then the majority of people these days would not be able to have children. Having a SAHP or family childcare is not the majority.

All of this mud slinging is incredibly depressing. If you look at countries like Sweden, very high quality and heavily state-subsidised childcare is available to all. The result: much higher equality between men and women as almost all women return to work, brilliant educational outcomes and well adjusted children and adults (very high scores on the national happiness index consistently, much lower rates of child and adult mental health issues, etc). Higher GDP per capita, better standard of living, less poverty, no child hunger because almost all children attend early years settings where they are fed balanced and nutritious food.

Perhaps it would be better to focus on the systemic issues in the UK, rather than slate parents who have to work to provide for their children and tell them that they should not have had any.

Goady thread....

It's none of your business. Do the parents of your grandchildren know how you feel about how long they are apart from their child.

If you are late fifties, I'm surprised that you are shocked by this. I am early fifties and my parents both worked full time, by choice and necessity.

At the start of covid my DH lost his job and there was 0 jobs in his industry for exactly 6 months. We had sold our flat and were in the process of buying a house and I had just had my second baby after finishing my degree and was taking a wee bit of time off unpaid. Due to our deposit for our house we qualified for £75pw job seekers. To pay rent, council tax, feed us etc. So I went out and got a job when the baby was 3 months old. Also I work 12 hour shifts so he was out of my care for about 14 hours a day in total. It was either that or use every penny of our deposit that we had saved for 10 years.

My eldest went to nursery at 9m and honestly if it were affordable the second would too...his speech was much more advanced and he was a very clingy baby that needed an adjustment from being with me all day and night. He thrived at nursery and loved every second, they were outside 90% of the time and he's a very social child so loved the interaction.

Personally i would rather do 2 x 12 hour shifts than 3 x 9-5 days as you get an extra full day off with them. I also would not use family care for full time hours, I use a day at most and while it's very much appreciated I can 100% see the benefits of paid for childcare with professionals.

I don't even have children and I think you are being goady

@LindyLou2020 I think you're right, I don't think the OP meant anything by it but was just surprised.

@Pythonista

I don't even have children and I think you are being goady

Yeah same. Goady and all wrapped up in faux naivety. Urgh.

This is a deeply unpleasent thread, did you not think before you posted?

You and your family having the priveledge to have family-based infant care doesn't mean the rest of society does.

I think a lot of people seem very sensitive on this subject. It’s naive to deny that young babies in particular benefit from being with their primary caregiver over being in nursery. That doesn’t make nursery harmful, just not as good as being with a parent.

However, being in nursery for the day is better than staying at home with a neglectful or abusive parent. Similarly, being with an engaged, creative, loving parent for the day is better than a day in nursery. I don’t think (apart from the neglectful/abusive options) any of childcare arrangements are inherently ‘bad’ but I think we are kidding ourselves if we can’t accept that there are ‘more ideal’ and ‘less ideal’ options for young babies and children.

I have to work but I do my best to achieve a balance that works for my DD, and I will prioritise what she needs over what I want in this respect. I think that the vast majority of parents are doing the same thing, whatever that looks like in their family.

However, in the (totally hypothetical, I would guess very unusual) situation that someone chooses to put a tiny baby in nursery for 12 hours a day when they have other, good options… well for me that is prioritising the parent’s wants over the child’s needs which is something I find hard to empathise with.

What an absolutely awful post, OP.

I am over 30 and my mother went back to work 60 hours a week when I was six weeks old (no maternity leave provision). I had a nanny, and soon siblings who shared the nanny. My mum is great and I generally think I'm happy and well adjusted. She didn't have any friends who were SAHMs though as she didn't go to coffee mornings.

I have a two year old now. He has gone to a childminder 5 days a week, usually about 8:00-5:45, since he was six months old. Sometimes he's there 7:30-7 so we can work (similar demanding career to my mum, but better maternity provision). My mum doesn't help much as she, in her late fifties, still works full time in the demanding career which right now we are very short of in the UK and will instead subsidise my crippling bill for a nanny when my second child is born next year.

My mum's mum wasn't able to work after her children were born. She was a fantastic granny and helped with us when we were small and large. She would have, however, much preferred a career and help with childcare and was always delighted that this was available to her daughter and granddaughters. All of us were married to men who worked full time.

I think the solution is much better state support for childcare in terms of training childcare providers, supporting women and men to take adequate leave after a baby is born, and paying for this care to a level that means that it doesn't beat the average mortgage cost to have two kids... not saying it's a societal problem that women can't share the childcare among their (female) family members.

This is a very thinly veiled judgy post. 2/10. Try harder to hide your distain next time.

@InTheNightWeWillWish my mum was the same, she was single and I don't think that helped. It was hard on both of us.

No I'm 30 and have just had my daughter who is 8 months now, my mum is going to help me with childcare by looking after her 2 days a week. But she can only do that because she worked her butt off and can financially afford to help me.

Even so, I would be upset if I had no choice but to send my daughter to a nursery 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. It is on the extreme end. I think she was upset with the arrangement as well if I'm honest, but she didn't financially have a choice, unless of course she went on social which she didn't want to do.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

What’s the point of your post?

Do nursery take young children? Yes. From about 6 weeks some of them

Do parents WANT to leave their child for 12 hours a day? Some of them yes

Do parents NEED to leave their child for 12 hours a day? Some of them yes

Is your child extremely lucky that they can leave their children with a family member and presumably not pay extortionate fees? Yes

Are you a mug for doing all that childcare when retired? Yes

Is this the goady-est thread I’ve read today? YES

The best summary on the thread so far. (And I’m a SAHM to two under 4s)

@Pythonista

I don't even have children and I think you are being goady

Right? I was home for 8 out of the 9 years since my kids were born and I also think she is being goady.

Not working while your children are small has zero correlation with whether you are a good parent.

Fantastic point, my mother was a SAHP and she’s absolutely psychotic so me or my brother talk to her.

My father otoh worked, sometimes A LOT, and he’s an outstanding parent.

I’m sure in other peoples families it’s different but that was mine.

It literally makes zero difference.